So its been like 6 weeks since he left without a word

[bulletproof]

But I feel like I'm the one who can teach him how to be mature.

 

Your part in a relationship is not to be someone's "teacher." Why would you even want that? Don't you want to be on equal footing with someone?

[aryastark]

Your part in a relationship is not to be someone's "teacher." Why would you even want that? Don't you want to be on equal footing with someone?

 

I just wanted the best for him. To make him better. But I guess you guys and my family and friends are right, you can't really fix anyone.

[Hollyj]

Okay here's the story. When we were started dating, these were the girls he hid from me. He still talked and flirted with this girls when we were together the first time that led us breaking up the first time.

 

Almost a year have passed until we reconciled again and even the first few weeks I caught him texting these girls and carried on with my mistrust on him. But i gave him a chance again after a huge fight and him came begging he wouldn't do it again.

 

1 1/2 yrs our relationship was clean he stopped talking to these girls and we were projecting our future. I didn't distant him from his family. He was the one who didnt want to go back home and wants his life here. But when we had financial problems, when it started, i dont know maybe he came to the realization that he has to go back to his family for help. Thats his initial plan. But maybe the thing that its been over a year since he didnt visit them, came to the conclusion that his family thought that I'm the one making him stay away from them? When its not the truth! I wanted to meet his family, who doesnt want it? I'm in love with this guy and certainly wanted to meet his relatives. Its just too unfair that I'm in no position to defend myself on here (on his side). And even if I talk to them they just ignore me. His sister talked to me before though, and told me to just stay away from him because I'm too good for him, I was like what? What is with me and with him and us being together that they didn't want? I'm not a horrible person, I wouldn't be too mistrusting if not because of his past actions, but I'm the one who's like the bad guy here.

 

Yikes! If his sister said he was not good enough for you, THEN I WOULD LISTEN!!!!! This has nothing to do with you being together, it has to do with the type of person he is : cheating, lying and running out on you.

[Hollyj]

I just wanted the best for him. To make him better. But I guess you guys and my family and friends are right, you can't really fix anyone.

 

You do not make some better. He does. This is a very unhealthy way of thinking. You accept him for who he is, or you get out.

 

Please look into co dependency. You are choosing people you need to mother.

[Hollyj]

Will take sometime to get over with this feelings. To be fair he showed that he cared and invested too much on us, we started looking for houses and bought a car. Its just a huge shock for me because its just too easy for him to leave everything behind.

 

Probably what I feel right now is jus loneliness.. But if I'm being honest, if we wil ever go back again, the paranoia and mistrust will still be there, I'm just to blinded and like to justify everything because I love him too much.

 

Are you serious??? You would take back someone who did this to you? You need to value yourself!

[Wiseman2]

Try not to convince yourself that you wanted what was best for him, as tempting as that may be to rationalize. You wanted what was best for you and that meant trying to fix him to your standards and need and wants. He did not want to change so he left. Try to find a man who is not a project and wants the same things as you.

[bulletproof]

I just wanted the best for him. To make him better. But I guess you guys and my family and friends are right, you can't really fix anyone.

 

I think you need to get deeper than that. Why do you feel the need to better someone? Why do you feel the need to fix someone? What inside of you makes you think that's a healthy situation?

 

Maybe what you thought was best for him or what would make him better is not in fact true. Everyone has his or her own idea of what's best for themselves. It's a little presumptuous to assume any of us know otherwise.

[aryastark]

You do not make some better. He does. This is a very unhealthy way of thinking. You accept him for who he is, or you get out.

 

Please look into co dependency. You are choosing people you need to mother.

 

I wanted to break it off several times, but I believed in us and because of that stupid thinking and feeling I stayed. The trust is lost, but I dunno why I stayed.

 

You got it, I want the best for him thats why I chose to stay. Not really teaching him everything though, but I guess this was really a codependent relationship.

[aryastark]

I think you need to get deeper than that. Why do you feel the need to better someone? Why do you feel the need to fix someone? What inside of you makes you think that's a healthy situation?

 

Maybe what you thought was best for him or what would make him better is not in fact true. Everyone has his or her own idea of what's best for themselves. It's a little presumptuous to assume any of us know otherwise.

 

Because he agreed to everything I said. I supported him on his career. He had zero idea on how some situations should be handled because what he had before was brief relationships. We were happy, i admit sometimes maybe I was too controlling but thats because of his gamblings and whatnot.

 

I guess this relationship is really beyond repair. I just thought I could salvage it since I realized my faults too. I just want to talk to him and discuss our situations but I guess that wont happen anymore and would have to move on. What makes me really sad is the memories plus I know for a fact that we can fix this. But he's not willing to fix it anymore.

[bulletproof]

Because he agreed to everything I said. I supported him on his career. He had zero idea on how some situations should be handled because what he had before was brief relationships.

 

Again, you are talking about mothering him. He's a grown man. He needs to figure this stuff out for himself.

 

…plus I know for a fact that we can fix this. But he's not willing to fix it anymore.

 

You don't know anything for a fact. He doesn't feel you can fix it, and you have to respect that.

I know you're hurting, but you're not addressing the actual question that's been asked: Why do you want to mother/control/fix someone? I think it might help you heal a little bit if you actually reflected on why you feel this urge.

[aryastark]

Again, you are talking about mothering him. He's a grown man. He needs to figure this stuff out for himself.

 

 

 

You don't know anything for a fact. He doesn't feel you can fix it, and you have to respect that.

I know you're hurting, but you're not addressing the actual question that's been asked: Why do you want to mother/control/fix someone? I think it might help you heal a little bit if you actually reflected on why you feel this urge.

 

That is not like "someone" not generalization. But its just him. Because he would continue to hurt me if I dont tell him whats bothering me with his behaviour? And even if i tell him that, im still in no position because if he wants to do it he will do it. Isnt it what relationship is all about? Be open to each other?

 

Did he leave me because he felt like he has no freedom if he's with me?

[Wiseman2]

Most likely.

Did he leave me because he felt like he has no freedom if he's with me?

[bulletproof]

That is not like "someone" not generalization. But its just him. Because he would continue to hurt me if I dont tell him whats bothering me with his behaviour? And even if i tell him that, im still in no position because if he wants to do it he will do it. Isnt it what relationship is all about? Be open to each other?

 

Did he leave me because he felt like he has no freedom if he's with me?

 

We don't know why he left.

I used the word "someone" (because my guess is that this pattern will continue with future partners), but we can just apply it to him only if you wish.

Of course we should be open about issues that are bothering us. But that isn't what you're describing. You're describing someone who was, from the start, in need of guidance and fixing, that you thought only you could provide. And even it it wasn't from the very start, the minute you started taking that role, you might have wanted to step back.

 

Open communication is reserved for bumps in the road, not the entirety of the road. You talk about making him better, teaching him, knowing what's best. If you don't see how that's different than occasional communicating about regular issues that come up, I'm not sure what anyone here can say.

 

And this is not to say it's *why* he left you. Again, we don't know why. What it is meant to do is to make you think about why this might not have been the healthiest situation for you or him to be in.

[aryastark]

Most likely.

 

Such bs. Like i told you whenever i asked him not to go he would sulk til i finally gave in. So at the end of the day he still did get what he wanted.

[aryastark]

Oh well... I guess i will just throw myself out there and better myself and just leave him be.

 

I just feel sad/regret/anger all at the same time right now.

[Hollyj]

That is not like "someone" not generalization. But its just him. Because he would continue to hurt me if I dont tell him whats bothering me with his behaviour? And even if i tell him that, im still in no position because if he wants to do it he will do it. Isnt it what relationship is all about? Be open to each other?

 

Did he leave me because he felt like he has no freedom if he's with me?

 

He is not capable of a relationship. With anyone.

 

He ran out on you. Remember that, when you start to romanticize him. You really can't get much lower than that. PLUS, you cannot trust him, due to his cheating ways.

 

Focus on why you stayed with someone like this. You cannot chance him, but you can change you.

[aryastark]

We don't know why he left.

I used the word "someone" (because my guess is that this pattern will continue with future partners), but we can just apply it to him only if you wish.

Of course we should be open about issues that are bothering us. But that isn't what you're describing. You're describing someone who was, from the start, in need of guidance and fixing, that you thought only you could provide. And even it it wasn't from the very start, the minute you started taking that role, you might have wanted to step back.

 

Open communication is reserved for bumps in the road, not the entirety of the road. You talk about making him better, teaching him, knowing what's best. If you don't see how that's different than occasional communicating about regular issues that come up, I'm not sure what anyone here can say.

 

And this is not to say it's *why* he left you. Again, we don't know why. What it is meant to do is to make you think about why this might not have been the healthiest situation for you or him to be in.

 

This is the most difficult relationship i had thus far. And i didnt even know why i stayed maybe because I love him too much eventhough I should have started running long time ago because of the lies and cheating.

[Hollyj]

As long as you make yourself responsible for his behavior, the longer it will take you to move on. You need to see who he is: a poor choice for a partner

[aryastark]

He is not capable of a relationship. With anyone.

 

He ran out on you. Remember that, when you start to romanticize him. You really can't get much lower than that. PLUS, you cannot trust him, due to his cheating ways.

 

Focus on why you stayed with someone like this. You cannot chance him, but you can change you.

 

I'll just take it as a lesson. And stay away from men like this. I'll start complete NC right now until I'm healed.

[Hollyj]

I'll just take it as a lesson. And stay away from men like this. I'll start complete NC right now until I'm healed.

 

I hope that you are not going to contact him, after you are "healed?"

[aryastark]

I hope that you are not going to contact him, after you are "healed?"

 

It will take a lot of time for me to be fully recovered. And i dont think i will have the urge to contact him then. I have a plan for myself right now and that is to get rid of all the memories that still hurt me.

 

To be honest i dont think he will open the line of communicating with me though. Its not like the first time that we broke up that our relationship was still ~shallow. This time was really serious and it will take time for us to be civil at least. The families are involved now. My mom doesnt even like him anymore. I cant hold hope for us seeing each other again. I need to erase that idea anymore. I'm in too much shame because of him.

[Hollyj]

You need to erase any temptation: delete and block all forms of contact. You also need to stop any talk about this guy with friends.

[bulletproof]

I'll just take it as a lesson. And stay away from men like this. I'll start complete NC right now until I'm healed.

 

I think that's an excellent idea. Focus on you. Do things you love, surround yourself with positive people, and don't waste time analyzing him and his motivations. Think about yourself only.

[greta96]

Greta,

Glad you got past your experience but to call the mentally ill spineless is hardly helpful. They are suffering more than you are. I am not suggesting you didn't feel hurt but the fact that you have been in relationships with more than one mentally ill person , to me suggests you need to wonder why you are attracting them?

 

Who is mentally ill? Am I missing something?

[aryastark]

You need to erase any temptation: delete and block all forms of contact. You also need to stop any talk about this guy with friends.

 

I got this one friend of mine that whenever I put a smile on or talk about something she will bring up my ex. I kind of confronted her to stop bullying me because its not helping. She thought she's helping me move on but shes doing the exact opposite. Im surrounding myself with old and new friends and if I can I will move out this week so I can somehow have a new life. Isolated from the things that will remind me of him for awhile.