Healing - Positive Reinforcement or NC

[Lavacake]

This is my first post. I just made an account and quickly realized the "NC" popping up everywhere was "No Contact" - what I'm currently going through.

I've been seeing that a lot of people are doing battle with it too.

Reading those stories it seems to be that it is overwhelmingly the way to go.

 

In that way, and with my own intuition, my questions have been answered (or at least demoted to unease/guilt), but I still felt the desire to hear thoughts about this situation.

*There is a question or two in here, but it is mainly about confessing something for myself...and for curiosity*

 

I finally came out of a two year relationship that had followed a four year period of being best friends. This was my first relationship at 24y. During this time we had roomed together in college and I became very close to the family.

She had a fairly dark past and battled parts of herself (depression/anxiety/OCD/abandonment). When friends I felt like I was a subtle protector - vowing to never get romantically involved and screw it up. I screwed up, and then I found it very difficult hurting her afterwards.

 

I had tried breaking up with her a year ago. During most of the relationship, especially after the (three day) breakup I backtracked on a lot of statements of how I felt about the relationship when things would get intense and drawn out (i.e., that we just didn't match and that I wasn't comfortable talking about marriage).

 

...well I just lost the second half of this thread after getting logged out grrr ...I'll get to the point.

 

We've been broken up six weeks now. After four weeks of NC she just sent me a text saying how she has met with a therapist and identified the sources for why she had treated me in certain ways and apologizing for them. The "hope we can fix this and get back together" portion was downplayed. This time she was mainly telling me things she learned about herself with respect to relationships.

 

I have the urge to text her that I'm proud of her (in that she is introspecting in a positive way and learning new things etc). Is this ok?

 

But at the same time I don't know if that little text would go against the NC and her getting over me.

 

I also started second-guessing whether I'd really given her a strong enough statement of closure on break-up day or if I'd given it less conviction to soften the blow. But I also don't think such a statement would ever be convincing for her.

 

Lastly, I wonder when I'll be able to text as friends again.

 

Thanks internet peoples!

[mustlovedogs]

Not to be a downer, but I can't imagine you'll ever really be friends again. sorry about that.

 

My ex has said he was proud of me and I clung to it for reconciliation hope for far too long. If you don't tell her you're proud of her, she will think you're a jerk but she'll heal faster. If you do, she will continue to long for you (I suspect).

 

Is there any chance you would want to reconcile if she actually did fix her issues?

[Clinton]

You dumped her so best not to reply. It will just give false hope.

[dave_1966]

You dumped her, I doubt you'll ever be friends again.

[Wiseman2]

Never. She tends to blur the lines, get clingy and that can creep back into a relationship in her mind.

I wonder when I'll be able to text as friends again.

[Elouise]

I am a woman with a dark past and am well into my 40's. In a similar circumstance I had an ex try to remain friends with me. We managed it eventually but it messed with me, not being able to distinguish between the boundaries of the friendship and the longing of the heart. I drug my recovery out for much longer than it should have been and lost, literally, years of my life. Here was the core deductive reasoning of my thought process during that time: "How could he be so nice to me if he doesn't love me?" "He must still love me".

 

In my opinion, if you have no intention of getting back together the kindest thing you can do for her is close the door.

[ashley828]

THIS....

I had a similar crappy situation with an ex, although in my case I think he didn't want to lose a hold on me. When we had a final blow up and didn't speak for 3 years was when I was finally able to get over him. The most important part of this? He didn't contact me at all for those 3 years. It hurt at the time, but it kept me from backsliding and wanting to talk to him again.

Ask yourself why you want to text her? Do you feel guilty? Are you having a hard time letting go? You are going to hurt her worse by keeping in touch with her if you don't want a relationship with her.

It's great that she's working on herself and maybe someday, after a lot of time has passed (much more than 6 weeks), you guys can be friends again.