ashley828

Day 35 A pretty good day today, better than the last two days. I was working today, so I was busy and it was a good day at work. That always helps, being busy. I still think about him though. I know that there is a conference right now in Chicago that he might be attending and I thought about this a lot - just wishing I knew what he was up to. I think that's one of the hardest things, just not being included in their day to day lives. It makes me feel farther and farther away from him and this makes me worry that at some point I will move so far away that it will be impossible for us to come back together (and it might be, but letting go of that thought hasn't quite happened yet). On the other hand, I got quite a surprise last night when I logged into Facebook and saw a friend request from a guy that I dated in college (over 15 years ago!). We had a bad breakup and the last time I spoke to him (also 15 years ago) I yelled at him, so I was shocked to see that he had tried to friend me. I would have thought for sure that he didn't remember me, as we only dated for about 4-5 months. Made me think that my thoughts that my most recent ex has forgotten about me are probably just me working myself up.

Starting Day 34 Yesterday was a rough day for part of it. I know my family gets frustrated because I feel sad sometimes. They feel like I should move on, he doesn't know what he's doing, etc, etc - but it is hard. I have been through a much worse break up before (the guy was an angry person with substance abuse issues), but in some ways that made it easier because I could focus on the awful things he had done and said to me. In this case, he is a good person and I don't think I'm seeing things through rose colored glasses. So that makes it suck worse, because I can't focus on the bad things. I worry he has found someone else who is somehow better than me. He hasn't had a lot of relationships (before his marriage I think he dated maybe a couple of people and I'm the first person he dated after his divorce) and isn't the type to be out hitting on every woman, but I think he's a catch and I worry that other women are looking at him and thinking so too. Yesterday, I told my brother that I wanted him to miss me and to wonder why he hadn't heard from me. My brother thought this was slightly nuts, but it's the only thing that keeps me going in NC sometimes - to hope that he will start to wonder what I am doing and who I am doing it with. He has gotten jealous in the past when I would get a text from someone or when I would mention guy friends - I know it's not a good thing to hope that someone is jealous, but I can't help it. Going to get going this morning and go exercise. That helps with my spirits. Hope everyone else is having a better day.

I'm new to this board (although I've been reading a lot of posts) but thought I'd throw a few stories that I know of out there: 1. A person very close to me was dating a man for about a year (maybe a little more or less, not sure) and it was exclusive and going pretty well. They had both been married before but were not recently divorced. One day, they went to a friend's wedding and she noticed he was acting weird and distant afterwards. A few days later, he wrote her a letter saying he wanted to break up. She handled very well (didn't yell or argue or beg) and just accepted it. He called once a few weeks later to see how she was and she talked to him, but otherwise they didn't speak or see each other for a year. He started dating someone else and dated her for at least several months. She dated a few people, but was devastated by the break up and didn't meet anyone special. After a year, she got tickets to a concert and thought that he was the only person she could see going with. She had heard that he had broken up with his new girlfriend so she called him. They got back together pretty quickly after that and were married soon after. They have been married now for over 20 years. 2. The second couple I know less well, they are the parents of a friend. They were married, got divorced, married other people and were both married for around 10 years. They both then got divorced from their new spouses and re-married each other!! 3. I read an article by the author Jennifer Weiner about her current husband. They dated for the first time around college-ish time, broke up for a while, and then dated again. She wanted to get married, he didn't, so they broke up. She wound up marrying another guy and had a few kids. She got divorced from that guy after 10 years or so and wanted to reconnect with her first love, so she sent him an email. He had never married and they got back together. They got married recently. She tells a funny story that when she reunited with her now husband after being apart for 10 years or so, she went to her now father-in law's house and he said "you again?". I try to think about these types of stories when I get sad about my relationship breaking up. From every story that I've heard about people reuniting and being successful (meaning not breaking up a few weeks later), some time has to pass (like many months to years). This helps me to be patient and to keep from running after my most recent ex.

Today is Day 33 I went through a very long NC period with my last boyfriend that was extremely difficult but ultimately led me to a better place. I acted so terribly in that situation, as we were back and forth for years and couldn't seem to let each other be. Finally, he hurt me badly enough that I decided that I had had enough. It was excruciating in the first few months, because it's like getting off drugs or something, it's a compulsion as much as a love. But after a few months (thank God he didn't try to contact me during that time) I stopped noticing how long it had been. I would get upset from time to time, especially when I heard about him from a friend (usually in passing, they all hated him), but if I sat still and did nothing, it went away. It took 3 years, but he came back. Timidly at first, with just a "Hi" by text. Then a longer text a few months later and a longer one still last year, saying how he regretted how he had treated me and that I still meant so much to him. I felt bad because I could tell he was sincere (as much as you can from a text), but doing NC made me feel so much more comfortable asking what I wanted instead of what he wanted or worrying about how he felt. I knew I wasn't ready to have him in my life again, so I have never answered. And I feel ok about it. But now I am trying to go NC from another, completely different situation. This guy is so different from my last boyfriend. He is sincere and has been very honest with me (as far as I can tell). He was relatively newly divorced (although they had been back and forth for years and separated for a year) with young children and after a few wonderful months, when I asked him where he saw things, he said he wasn't ready to be in a serious relationship, for several reasons. Like a , I stayed in contact with him and we got closer and closer, but he still wasn't ready to go forward after another several months. So I told him that I thought it would be best for me to try to just see him as a friend for a while, but that I wasn't closing any doors for the future. He accepted that, but stayed in contact over the past few months since then, mostly in friendly ways (every once in a while I get a flirty vibe). We had a bit of an issue a few weeks ago (too long to go into here) that upset me and I told him that it was obvious I wasn't seeing him as just a friend. We didn't communicate for a month. I felt awful about how that communication ended, so I texted him just to say hi and that I was thinking of him and he called. We had a good talk with lots of laughs and then he texted a few days later to ask about how a dinner party had gone (I had told him on the phone that I was going to one that week). But since then, we haven't spoken, and that was 33 days ago. I know I need to try to really let him go. He isn't ready to be what I want him to be and keeping in touch with him is hurting me. It's so hard though. I can't really be mad at him (this kept me going with the older ex) because he has always been honest with me and I know he cares about me. I worry that I've given him too much power (by saying that the door was open) and I want so much for him to miss me and to come back and say he wants to try to be more serious. Over the past few days, I've been reading this post (over 200 pages so far!!) and it's so helpful to see other people going through the same things (even thinking the same thoughts that I've had!!). So I think I will start posting here too, just to make myself stick to this.