Today is Day 33
I went through a very long NC period with my last boyfriend that was extremely difficult but ultimately led me to a better place. I acted so terribly in that situation, as we were back and forth for years and couldn't seem to let each other be. Finally, he hurt me badly enough that I decided that I had had enough. It was excruciating in the first few months, because it's like getting off drugs or something, it's a compulsion as much as a love. But after a few months (thank God he didn't try to contact me during that time) I stopped noticing how long it had been. I would get upset from time to time, especially when I heard about him from a friend (usually in passing, they all hated him), but if I sat still and did nothing, it went away. It took 3 years, but he came back. Timidly at first, with just a "Hi" by text. Then a longer text a few months later and a longer one still last year, saying how he regretted how he had treated me and that I still meant so much to him. I felt bad because I could tell he was sincere (as much as you can from a text), but doing NC made me feel so much more comfortable asking what I wanted instead of what he wanted or worrying about how he felt. I knew I wasn't ready to have him in my life again, so I have never answered. And I feel ok about it.
But now I am trying to go NC from another, completely different situation. This guy is so different from my last boyfriend. He is sincere and has been very honest with me (as far as I can tell). He was relatively newly divorced (although they had been back and forth for years and separated for a year) with young children and after a few wonderful months, when I asked him where he saw things, he said he wasn't ready to be in a serious relationship, for several reasons. Like a , I stayed in contact with him and we got closer and closer, but he still wasn't ready to go forward after another several months. So I told him that I thought it would be best for me to try to just see him as a friend for a while, but that I wasn't closing any doors for the future. He accepted that, but stayed in contact over the past few months since then, mostly in friendly ways (every once in a while I get a flirty vibe). We had a bit of an issue a few weeks ago (too long to go into here) that upset me and I told him that it was obvious I wasn't seeing him as just a friend. We didn't communicate for a month. I felt awful about how that communication ended, so I texted him just to say hi and that I was thinking of him and he called. We had a good talk with lots of laughs and then he texted a few days later to ask about how a dinner party had gone (I had told him on the phone that I was going to one that week). But since then, we haven't spoken, and that was 33 days ago.
I know I need to try to really let him go. He isn't ready to be what I want him to be and keeping in touch with him is hurting me. It's so hard though. I can't really be mad at him (this kept me going with the older ex) because he has always been honest with me and I know he cares about me. I worry that I've given him too much power (by saying that the door was open) and I want so much for him to miss me and to come back and say he wants to try to be more serious.
Over the past few days, I've been reading this post (over 200 pages so far!!) and it's so helpful to see other people going through the same things (even thinking the same thoughts that I've had!!). So I think I will start posting here too, just to make myself stick to this.