Reconciliation after I cheated on my ex

[PostmanPat]

Hey everybody,

 

I've been a dormant reader of this forum for the past few months because I've gone through a really tough time and it has given me hope and I've almost felt like I've had somewhere to turn on those really crappy days.

 

I understand that there is not a lot of love for cheaters on places like these, I'm well aware and I totally agree that cheating is the cardinal sin, but I'd still appreciate some advice as I'm in a fortunate situation that my ex has reached out to me.

 

I am TOTALLY in love with my ex girlfriend and always was, I never had an issue of falling out of love, I evidently had other insecurity issues. I am 28 and she is 24. We'd been together for 3 years, traveled around, lived together and totally in love. Everyone said we would get married, and in my heart and head I was planning to marry her.

 

The incident

In July last year (2015), I kissed another girl while on an overseas trip, I didn't sleep with her, I couldn't physically do it, but I did end up messaging her (she added me on Facebook that night) after she had left saying it was a shame we didn't sleep together. There was a little bit of chatter afterward (not heaps, and not sexual apart from the messages straight after), but didn't last longer than a week I'd say.

 

Finding out

In December 2015 she messaged my girlfriend revealing all. My girlfriend took a week, came back and decided to break up with me. I was totally distraught. Crying, unable to eat, wracked with guilt, unable to socialise with friends, if people were with me, I'd want to be alone... if I was alone, I'd want people with me.

 

A week later

My ex girlfriend very briefly came back to my doorstep, to give me a big hug, I would say she was going through a phase where she just didn't think it was real. I was so happy and blindsided at the time...we slept together, but inevitably a few days later she rang again to say it had to end once and for all. Again, I was back to being distraught, and to be honest this might have even hurt more than the first time...

 

The next few months

Were the toughest of my life. I was distraught, so upset, I missed her so much, wondered why I had done this... went to every online forum... every thread on cheating was so much heavier than mine, all about affairs and marriage/divorces... whereas mine was a one night thing without sex (or anything beside kissing), but with emotional/internet cheating. There's NO WAY IN HELL I could ever go through this again. Here's a summary of what I did/found out:

 

• No contact was for the best. Nothing I could do or say was going to change anything... it was purely in the hands of god (or her) as to whether she'd ever want to talk to me again. This really helped me and I think it really helped her too.
  
• I did, however, write her a VERY lengthy and apologetic letter which included some secret letters I wrote her over our relationship which I had planned to give her one day when I proposed. I delivered this in early February - she mailed it back saying 'I read it, but please don't contact again'. We were TOTAL NC for the next 2 months.
  
• She kept in contact with my sister and also wrote my parents/family a message saying she was really going to miss them.
  
• I did make a video for her very close to the end of our relationship... it was on YouTube and I could see that she was watching it maybe once every few weeks.
  
• Most importantly though, I worked very hard on myself. Apart from doing stuff like getting fitter, focussing on myself more... the most important thing I did was go to a relationship/sex therapist. I had to know why I did this. Even if I never saw my ex gf again, I knew I had to fix this as it is not something I want to do ever again... to anyone!
  

 

Two weeks ago today, she emailed me out of the blue. She had deleted my number for obvious reasons, but emailed me, and I received it straight away.

 

Initially she told me she had a stalker appear at her house that morning (which is true) but I have later found out she had just started seeing this guy, I guess they slept together but she basically told him she can't do anything because she is too in love with me... so she ended it with him, and that sent him into a bit of a rage and she asked me to come over and protect her. I responded straight away, we ended up on the phone to each other for half an hour and met up later that night... we both were in tears and told each other how much we love and miss each other.

 

From there she has told me:

 

• She loves me so much, and misses me so much
  
• She still regards me as her best friend
  
• She wants me in her life and is totally miserable without me
  
• The letter that I wrote her was the most beautiful thing she has ever read, but it was so hard for her
  
• She tells me she wishes it all never happened, which I totally agree, I'm so in love with her
  
• She wants to remain in contact with me and be friends
  
• We've also slept together twice, both times she initiated.
  
• Her friends and family are 'ok' with us hanging out (to varying degrees), though obviously very cautious and disappointed we slept together.
  

 

So they are the grounds for a reconciliation right? That is all I could ever ask for... but she said she can never get back to being in a relationship with me.

 

Obviously I am heartbroken she has slept with another person BUT I know that she has her own life to live and ultimately this is what led her back to me (and basically told him she is too in love with me).

 

I have offered to take us both along to relationship therapy to help us on the journey... she hasn't said no but hasn't said yes either.

 

All the (non sexual) times we have spent together have been AMAZING. We click so well, we've had so much fun and we both have admitted we just want to spend every waking moment together. Both times she has initiated sex, have been really good, but then both times the day after she is having some kind of regret. Last night is the most recent, and she has said she will call me tonight to 'go through a few things'. I think she wants to be FWB's at this stage because she says she wants to keep having sex, but I did tell her at one point that I don't think I could do it because I love her too much and I don't think I can just be her friend, make love to her, but not be with her... Normally, this would be the right thing to do... avoid FWB's, but my problem is I need to build back trust, not a connection.. How do I do that best?

 

I'm so sorry for the long winded message but my questions are:

 

1) Do you think reconciliation is possible/likely (even though she says we can never go back to being together)?

2) What can I do to help the situation?

3) Do I role with FWB's even though there is a chance I might get hurt - for the sake of trying to build back that trusting connection?

4) If not, what is the right way to approach?

 

The way I read it is she wishes it never happened, wishes there was an easily solution, but there is not, and has pressure from her friends 'once a cheater, always a cheater etc', and is putting up a guard that is hard for me to break down.

 

We're both totally in love with each other and have said as much... countless times over the past two weeks.

 

I'm totally remorseful and the thought of anyone else repulses me - even when we were in NC and I was being encouraged to talk to other girls, I tried, but I just couldn't. I'm totally in love and messed up so bad

 

Cheating is the worst - don't EVER put someone else through this, it's not worth it.

[PostmanPat]

Oh also - I must state clearly, my aim is to become lovers again... not just friends. Understand if there has to be a friends stage to begin with but I don't think I could just be friends with her.

 

Do you think that, given from her point of view she can't just wake up one day and go 'yes I want to get back together', our friendship stage at the moment is helping or hindering?

[Cherrybomb3]

What you did was bad. The fact you're minimising it shows you haven't accepted full responsibility for ur actions.

I don't think your ex will ever fully trust you again. She's tormented because she does love you so she doesn't know which way to turn. Her heart wants to continue loving you but her head is telling her otherwise. I don't think reconciliation will be successful.

 

You messaging the girl after saying those things about it being a shame you didn't sleep with her and other sexual talk would have been ouch. Imagine if she did it to you.

Not judging, being realistic. Your relationship will never be the same again. She will never let down her guard completely. All this seeing you is her satisfying her heart. But soon she'll realise this isn't good for her and she'll stop.

[PostmanPat]

Sorry - I didn't mean to minimise, I actually have another thread elsewhere which covers the actual act so I tried to skim over it a little in this one for the sake of brevity but if it will help. I also was trying to specify that a lot of the advice out there was specifically for long term affairs which mine was not. Yes, cheating is cheating, but some of that advice (like having children) was not relevant to me. That's simply what I was trying to say, not that what I did isn't equally as bad.

 

I will post my thoughts on the actual incident right here because I don't want to make it seem like I am downplaying what I did...

 

I cheated on my girlfriend. I let her down, I let us down. What I did was cheating, plain and simple. I knew it at the time. I thought I could get away with it. I thought I could get away with it by conducting deceitful conversations on Facebook. What I did was emphatically wrong. I broke her heart, I totally misplaced her trust, I shattered her emotions, I lied** (by not telling her straight away what happened) to her. I have/had insecurities (I can delve into them if it really helps this thread and your opinions) that surfaced and I totally shattered her heart. I destroyed her trust. I was selfish beyond measure.

 

Relationships are built on trust, honesty and loyalty... and I did not uphold that. And I am well aware I don't deserve another chance, but I think I have been given one which I would give ANYTHING in the world to nurture and uphold. I took the initiative to see a therapist, I've been reading tonnes of books, I've been talking to her about my in/fidelity and we both agree that I never meant to hurt her... BUT...

 

She just can't go back to being in a relationship (at this point).

 

** To clarify, as soon as she raised it, I was always 100% honest and always have been BUT the fact that it took her raising the subject... I may as well have lied all along. I knew something she didn't and that is lying.

[Man with Dog]

If I judged you for it, I'd be judging my (former) self and over 50% of all married people. I think it is possible that someone can cheat once and never do it again. I'm living proof. OK, I'm not with the ex I cheated on but have never done it again.

 

I also understand the pressures of working away.

 

I would hang on in there with your girlfriend and accept whatever role she lets you play in her life. Yes, it will be painful if you never get back together properly but it will hurt a lot more if you give up. I would give it a couple of years to see how things go. Even if it doesn't work out, you are still young enough to find a life partner afterwards.

 

The one thing you and I can never do is un-cheat.

 

"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone".

[SooSad33]

I agree with the others...

Sadly, I dont think things will ever be the same between you two.

TRUST is a HUGE thing within a relationship and it has been affected now.

 

What YOU chose to do.. with another woman, has affected the woman you 'love'.

 

I was never able to just be 'friends' with an Ex.. because when involved you've gone beyond the 'friendship' barrier. Is very difficult to go back to that. ( unless over time.. when you no longer have any more 'feelings' for them...).

 

I feel, the only thing that might help you two is time.

Time for the damage to be dealt with. ( for her/you to accept and let go.. or not).

 

And if or when things would be... you pretty much have to see it as starting brand new. Like you're just starting to date again. Therefore take it slowly.

 

It is sad.. that this ended up happening. Especially if you really do 'love' her.

 

If things should not pan out.. let this be a hard lesson for YOU. LIFE is an experience, I say.

We live and we learn. (most).

[Clinton]

People can and do reconcile after infidelity. It is not that uncommon. But it is a lot of work and it's only possible if both people truly want it and commit to doing the hard work. That takes time.

 

No one on here can tell you what your chances are. The one thing I will say is FWB won't work. It allows her to slowly wean herself off you. She gets intimacy and support with no commitment.

 

Even though it was you that cheated, unless she can commit to trying to reconnect, it's best to tell her it's over.

[Wiseman2]

It would take this as the truth.

she said she can never get back to being in a relationship with me.

[PostmanPat]

People can and do reconcile after infidelity. It is not that uncommon. But it is a lot of work and it's only possible if both people truly want it and commit to doing the hard work. That takes time.

 

No one on here can tell you what your chances are. The one thing I will say is FWB won't work. It allows her to slowly wean herself off you. She gets intimacy and support with no commitment.

 

Even though it was you that cheated, unless she can commit to trying to reconnect, it's best to tell her it's over.

 

Thanks, the advice is good.

 

So we had a stern discussion last night and she told me that she doesn't think it's a good idea we sleep together, or go out drinking together because it all comes up (as mentioned, she initiated both times, and the second basically demanded it). Just to catch up in a platonic way.

 

I guess the question I have is - do I attempt to cling onto this friendship (even though it isn't ultimately what I want) for now so that she can realign her feelings and hope maybe we can generate something more in future... or do I just completely cut her off right now and give that 0 chance in order to protect myself getting hurt??

[Cherrybomb3]

She has feelings (obviously. I mean you guys weren't just in a 2 month long relationship so of course she can't just cut her emotions off), it's just that you chose to break her heart, so she can't forget that. And she won't get passed it. I think it's better to cut her off. Friendship doesn't work for long term relationships, it's too hard. Esp since when there's infidelity.

[Raindrop22]

My uncle cheated on my aunt.

She found out while she was driving.

Needless to say she got into an accident out of shock and nearly lost her life.

They worked it out and are still together 5 years since the incident.

They moved past it I think because they had been together for just soooo long and he assured her it'd never happen again.

Chances occur and it takes time to build trust.

If she's willing to go slow with you, I'd go at her pace and make sure to assure her as well.

[PostmanPat]

My uncle cheated on my aunt.

She found out while she was driving.

Needless to say she got into an accident out of shock and nearly lost her life.

They worked it out and are still together 5 years since the incident.

They moved past it I think because they had been together for just soooo long and he assured her it'd never happen again.

Chances occur and it takes time to build trust.

If she's willing to go slow with you, I'd go at her pace and make sure to assure her as well.

Thanks for your reply!

 

A question though, when her head talks she will say 'I can't get back together with you', but when her heart talks, although she never says she will get back to me, I think she definitely secretly wants that - because she definitely says some pretty heavy things about missing, loving, wanting our past back etc.

 

How do I, as a 'friend' (that she wants to be), go about transitioning her to the next stage (even if it takes months, years)?? Is it better for me to NC and hope she wakes up and realizes one day, or alternatively potentially risk friend zoning myself by going at her pace (which may lead to absolutely nothing)?

 

I'm happy to do the latter, I will do anything for her... for us.... but I guess I'm after the better solution to the situation.

[PostmanPat]

Also - regarding your story... what was the process to reconciliation for them? NC? Time apart? Did she at any point refuse to go back to being in a relationship? A transition phase? A relationship rebuild? Or did she just forgive and it went away?

[Beestly]

I'm new to this group. I just dumped my ex bc of betrayal. He also did not sleep with anyone, but he got on an online dating site for a few days and messaged a few people, one of whom happened to be my best friend. He was going to tell me (I believe him), but I was so shattered. I had been cheated on pretty badly a year earlier and just can't do it again. It undid the connection we had built and nurtured in an instant.

 

That said, I am in therapy, reading a lot, and learning about different types of forgiveness. My therapist read a passage to me from a great book on forgiveness today, something about a contract between the violator and violated in negotiating forgiveness.

 

You seem truly remorseful and truly in love. You sound like someone who used the situation to become a better person. My sense is you learned your lesson and will not do this again.

 

Trust is a difficult thing to repair, but it's possible. I hope your ex comes around.

 

As for me, I have gone NC and plan to stay this way until I no longer have feelings for him. Which could mean being NC forever, we'll see. I just don't have the constitution or tolerance for betrayal. He has it in his history and he's very insecure, so he's not a good bet. I figure if you cheat on someone it simply means you don't care enough about them, which means either they are not the right person or you are not capable of caring for yourself. Either way it's not gonna work. I think my ex is beyond evolution, as much as he'd like to think otherwise. But that is not the sense I get from you. I would say be respectful but gently persistent, but also check in and make sure you really, truly love her and not just the idea of a relationship.

[PostmanPat]

I'm new to this group. I just dumped my ex bc of betrayal. He also did not sleep with anyone, but he got on an online dating site for a few days and messaged a few people, one of whom happened to be my best friend. He was going to tell me (I believe him), but I was so shattered. I had been cheated on pretty badly a year earlier and just can't do it again. It undid the connection we had built and nurtured in an instant.

 

That said, I am in therapy, reading a lot, and learning about different types of forgiveness. My therapist read a passage to me from a great book on forgiveness today, something about a contract between the violator and violated in negotiating forgiveness.

 

You seem truly remorseful and truly in love. You sound like someone who used the situation to become a better person. My sense is you learned your lesson and will not do this again.

 

Trust is a difficult thing to repair, but it's possible. I hope your ex comes around.

 

As for me, I have gone NC and plan to stay this way until I no longer have feelings for him. Which could mean being NC forever, we'll see. I just don't have the constitution or tolerance for betrayal. He has it in his history and he's very insecure, so he's not a good bet. I figure if you cheat on someone it simply means you don't care enough about them, which means either they are not the right person or you are not capable of caring for yourself. Either way it's not gonna work. I think my ex is beyond evolution, as much as he'd like to think otherwise. But that is not the sense I get from you. I would say be respectful but gently persistent, but also check in and make sure you really, truly love her and not just the idea of a relationship.

 

Thanks for the post. I'm sorry you've gone through that, I wouldn't wish it upon anyone (even though I was one who did it!). It just sucks.

 

I have resolved that I will remain (strictly) friends with her for the next 1-2 months, see where it goes and reassess after this period. After much thinking, no matter if she agrees to properly reconcile now or sometime later, we will need some time to just get used to each other and for her to particularly trust me at a friendship level. I will be able to gauge how things are going in that period. If she continuously starts sleeping with other guys I will immediately call it off because I would be seriously hurt, but if she is really committed to our friendship and us hanging out (even if she says no for now about reconciliation) I will keep things going... sloooowly. I've got to suck it up because I messed up in the first place - and, what's a few months when you really, really want to be with her for a long time to come.

 

I wrote her a letter and left it at her house as I knew she was out basically saying 'I'm really grateful for the chance to be back in her life again, I'm so sorry for the pain I caused and I will never put anything between us again'. She wrote me a message saying the letter made her day!

 

She then sent me a message saying she'd 'love to catch up soon' and I specifically organised it for quite late next week so we're not just jumping straight back into things (even though we already did with sleeping together - which was a mistake, but does show that we still have strong feelings).

 

I'd rather be with her in five years time than sleep with her for two weeks and both be hurt that it went way too fast.

 

A question I have is... everything she suggests we do is basically stuff that we always used to do. Same restaurants, same parks, same activities... Should I be looking to rehash those memories or should I be steering clear of those places and trying to find new memories!?!?

[ScottM]

Change it up. Do activities the both of you have not done together.

[PostmanPat]

So, an update on this. We've been hanging out a fair bit (relatively speaking... maybe twice a week?).

 

Mixing it up between just catching up for coffee, but we have also been spending nights with each other. I've mostly been over to her place (which is actually our old place that we rented together but obviously since kicked out of) but last night she came over to my place.

 

We were having a really good night. We talked about some more serious stuff but also mostly just joked around. We had a few beers and was really nice, lots of cuddles and happy times.... until...

 

Unfortunately... and you will all say to me WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? But she was showing me some new lip moisturizer she had bought, and applied some on my lips, and I said 'ooo this is great, now I'm gonna go out and kiss some girls'.

 

As soon as I said it, I was like oh my god, what have I said. I didn't say it to be patronizing obviously, or anything related to what happened... it's a joke I'd probably make to any friend... but it just totally came out.

 

Immediately she went back into her shell, she was trying her hardest to put on a brave face but she was naturally super cold to me after that. I have a two bedroom apartment so she opted to sleep in the second bedroom (I have a feeling she may have gone home if it was an option, but having drinks and no way to get home made that hard). I apologised countless times. I don't really have an explanation for it as it was a 'joke' but a very poor taste joke purely because of our circumstances - and was totally not saying it to refer to my indiscretion.

 

She did, though, give me a hug just before bed and said 'don't beat yourself up over it', but it still didn't make me feel any less guilty or better than the situation. I hardly slept a wink.

 

In the morning, I woke up earlier to make sure she had a coffee before she woke up to go to work. She appreciated it. We had a chat but it was VERY casual and she was sort of dodging things. She did put on a brave face.

 

We were going to meet this afternoon after she finishes work but we shall see whether she still opts to do that or not...

 

I'm just really paranoid, WHY did I do that

 

I was even informed last night before it all went down that her friends are very slowly coming around to accept that she is hanging out with me and even embracing it. Why did I sabotage myself

 

What should I do?

[mustlovedogs]

This slip up happened so effortlessly. Do you really think you would never cheat again?

[PostmanPat]

I see why you say that.

 

I know that I wouldn't cheat. Let's for a second pretend that the cheating didn't happen in the first place, no one would bat an eye lid at that joke. If she said it to me I honestly wouldn't mind. I don't think making that joke is an indication I am going to cheat - it simply alludes to the fact that I did.

 

I think partly why it sort of came out, is when I am not with her, I am CONSTANTLY thinking about how to make things work. Do I just stay friends, do I tell her I actually want to get back with her, do we try and grow things organically. The latter is what has been happening.

 

She admits that she has slept with someone else since we broke up. I have not. I was really hurt by that BUT I know that I need to play it cool and give off 0 jealous vibes, because she has a right to do that. I guess I don't want to be a 'doormat' for her in that I pander down to her every move, because reconciliation can't work like that, she will walk all over me. So my head space is like 'I need to just make sure things are in check' because I'm very scared of being hurt, knowing that she has actively seeked other people. Something I haven't done.

 

We have NOT committed to a reconciliation at this point, and as she said herself 'I shouldn't be getting angry at this'.

 

Regardless, it was an ill timed joke and I'm sorry for it but I guess I need to go back to giving her space...

[mustlovedogs]

I know that I wouldn't cheat. Let's for a second pretend that the cheating didn't happen in the first place, no one would bat an eye lid at that joke. If she said it to me I honestly wouldn't mind. I don't think making that joke is an indication I am going to cheat - it simply alludes to the fact that I did.

 

 

Let's pretend you didn't cheat? See, I don't think you've changed enough to justify reconciliation. You're trying to take this big event and say "well, if we ignore it, then I'm totally ok"

 

You CHEATED. You broke her trust. It is on YOU to fix this. And that includes watching what you say.

 

Little jokes about cheating can be jokes when it hasn't happened. So I suggest you stop trying to minimize this.

[PostmanPat]

I 100% agree, it is on me to fix it. Hence why I am here on this board posting about it, owning up to it, and not pretending it didn't happen!

 

I agree with everything you say. It literally came out. Totally innocent. I 100% was not thinking about the actual act of kissing girls, was thinking about the lip stuff she had just put on my lips, how good it was, and what else do you do with lips? That doesn't denote that I am going to cheat again.

 

Anyway, I appreciate you wish to scold me for my actions, I understand that, but I'm very committed to making things better, I love her endlessly and I'm blessed she has given me an opportunity.

 

She has since messaged to say that she 'needs time to herself' instead of hanging out later today so I respect that. I replied to say basically that I respect that, I'm really sorry, I'm trying my best but I'm not perfect and that I'm always there for her (but in much nicer words).

 

I'm also going to speak to my therapist later today as I hope they will help me more than 'you're a cheater, so stop trying'.

[PostmanPat]

An update because I like to think of this as a bit of a journal for myself to look back on - even though it seems no one really wants to get involved because it involves infidelity!

 

We did end up meeting that afternoon because she didn't want to leave things 'weird' - she asked to meet quickly for 10 minutes, we spoke for 2 hours.

 

She basically started by saying there's nothing to worry about, she just reacted the wrong way and has no right to react that way as we are 'friends'.

 

We then spoke about all the stuff in our relationship (outside of the infidelity) that wasn't quite right. Mostly some communication issues. We were both very surprised at some of the stuff we shared... stuff we didn't really know the other felt. It was a good, strong conversation.

 

Not long after she got home after that meet up she messaged me with a somewhat cryptic message, paraphrase: 'I feel a lot. Today was great but it makes me question everything. I don't know what I think but I love you a lot and I'm really happy with the changes you've made'.

 

I didn't reply, but I did read the message a lot of times wondering exactly what it meant.

 

She then messaged late that night saying 'I will call you in the morning to discuss things'.

 

She called me in the morning and basically said she is scared where things are heading. She's scared that we are going on 'dates', scared that we are having heavy discussions... she's basically scared that we're getting too involved with each other. She basically wanted to be friends and to stop having those deep discussions about our relationship.

 

I'd had this planned in my head for a while, but if it ever got to the point where she didn't want to work on our issues (whether she agreed to reconcile or not), then I would return to NC.

 

I told her I can't be friends with her as it is not fair on me - as I am too in love and need to heal.

 

She was quite upset about it, trying to guilt me back into staying friends but I stood firm.

 

She messaged me a few hours later saying 'This is the last time I'll message, I respect your feelings and your decision. I will miss you but I know it's for the good. Good luck. You're doing so well and I'm sending my love... thanks for the great times'.

 

I then wrote her a lengthy email because there were some things I needed to say that I didn't say in the phone call, things I had planned to say incase this came up but didn't get to say because it kind of happened out of no where (rather than planned) - but it basically said I am unable to accept a friendship where I am forced to hide my feelings, told her I'd suggested professional help previously but she hadn't agreed etc etc

 

Anyway - as mentioned, I just wanted to post this here because it's a journal of sorts for me and I'd like to look back and see how things end up.

 

Back to NC for me (though I will probably reach out for her birthday which is soon, I kinda organised some gifts) - I know it's the right thing at this time. Maybe things just need more time, because there is clearly love there on both sides.

[AnastasiaB]

I really hope it works out for you as you truly sound remorseful and really love her. I totally would have forgiven you by now, it was just a kiss and some messages after all. I think she'll come round just give her time.

[PostmanPat]

I really hope so. I'm trying so hard to block things out, I can go a while without it bothering me then it comes back... just gotta hang in there and keep working on myself I suppose!

[PostmanPat]

Hey guys,

 

Looking for some further advice.

 

I’ve had a good few months, to be honest the time has flown since I last properly spoke to my ex (just doesn’t feel like it was 2 months ago that we last properly spoke).

 

I’ve travelled a bit, I get a lot of attention from girls and have dated a few, but nothing serious at all as I know my head's not in the right space, I’ve just been doing me. I enjoy the attention and I’m always comfortable holding down a chat with them but I just don’t feel anything there.

 

My head is in a better space than where it was a few months ago though… I think. I’m a lot more realistic about the whole thing and I think desensitized to some of the raw emotion I was feeling. I look back to that time, and even though we both decided it wasn’t a great idea to do what we were doing because we both had different intentions, she did do the following:

 

• Tell me many times how much she loves me and cares for me
  
• Defended me to her friends
  
• Kept bringing up past memories
  
• Wrote me letters almost all the time that she never sent to me
  
• Initiated sex with me (4 times)
  
• Tried to emulate me with some of the things I was doing (getting back into jogging)
  
• Told me how proud she was of me of the changes I was making
  

 

But in the end, we had that long chat that day that I talked about… it was SUCH a good chat about our relationship, she literally kept begging me to tell her more things I thought about her and how she could have improved during our relationship. But then when she got home it scared her, she sat on it that night, we talked about it in the morning and she told me basically we had started to date again, and that scared her etc etc. I told her if she didn’t want to work on the issues with me, I don’t want to just be friends with her (which is true), but I also FULLY understand that we do actually need time as ‘friends’ before anything meaningful can happen. I’m basically wondering if I pulled the trigger too early.

 

Since then, she has:

 

• Messaged me two weeks later telling me how happy she was that she had just got a job that I’d been encouraging her to go for both before we broke up and during that month we hung out. She was excited to tell me.
  
• I wrote back telling her how proud I was of her.
  
• I wrote another message two days later for her birthday, and delivered her a card which she didn’t reply to (but didn’t mail back to me like the last one!). The card had NO pressure in it whatsoever, just saying that I was proud of her no matter what she does, and to believe in herself because she’s a very special person.
  
• Three weeks ago she walked down a very inconvenient laneway (basically not the fastest route) to get to her destination. That laneway was where we had that long chat I spoke of just before + is right next to my work. I just happened to be getting a coffee, saw her, we waved at each other and we both smiled but she kept walking.
  
• Two weeks ago I had two views on a hidden YouTube video I made for her that only she has the link for - late on a Sunday night.
  
• That week she took her friend camping at a place her and I always used to go camping (and she’d never been before we were together).
  
• Delivered some mail to my house (put it on the doorstep). Means nothing on its own, but it does mean she didn’t throw it out.
  
• At the time we were talking two months ago, she told me she had plans to go to New Zealand to hike a mountain she’d been wanting to do for ages. I’ve since discovered she’s gone to Japan (there currently), alone, instead. A place we went twice over the past two years. The place I took her for a surprise birthday present. The place two months ago she was telling me she missed us spending time there so much...
  

 

Now, maybe I am reading too much into things, sure, but seriously, why on earth would all of the above happen if she was not thinking about me.. Or if she was angry at me? Personally (and maybe others are the same, I’d like to know?) if I was seriously trying to get over someone, I would never rehash an old holiday or something like that…

 

My question is… Did I cut off contact too early? By me ‘forcing’ her to basically make a firm decision to try things again with me, did that scare her away? What I really want to know is… what is my best chance of success further down the track. Now, I DON’T necessarily want to reconcile right now. Sure, that would be great, but I know that won’t happen. I just want to know what is the best route for me to take if we were to get back together further down the track… whenever that may be.

 

I’m wondering if I should reach out as friends and take things super slow. Just take things REALLY light, no pressure, deal with the fact she has probably slept with people while gritting my teeth etc etc.

 

Reach Out And Contact Now

PROS

• Strike while I think she is thinking about me (though I’d like some further opinion on those signs that I listed above - to ensure I’m not reading too much into it!)
  
• I’m in a better position now to refuse stuff like sex which she initiated. I also wouldn’t catch up with her anywhere near as often (infact I would delay the first meeting as long as possible) and I’d be way more light hearted.
  
• I think she has now seen how much I’ve changed (and told me so)
  
• Might break down that barrier of her being scared to contact me due to the pressure I may have put on?
  

 

CONS:

• She might say no, hence backfire and delay any healing process
  
• Even though she might agree to chat, it may in the end just delay our reconciliation process because she still hasn’t fully recovered from what happened
  

 

Wait For Her To Initiate

PROS

• If she does initiate, I’m in the box seat. Doesn’t mean we will reconcile but it does mean I am in a lot more powerful position.
  
• She is doing so, knowing full well that I want to be with her...
  

 

CONS:

• I’ll sit here wondering stuff until it actually happens…
  
• And it might never actually happen!
  

 

Maybe there are more Pros and Cons you can list?

 

And for those wondering. Yes I have worked very hard to change. I’m not just ‘hitting and hoping’. I’ve made SO many different improvements in my life, and I have some big goals I am working towards at the moment. She is aware of these and, again, has told me how proud she is. If you’d like me to elaborate further on this, I can, but just know that I have worked bloody hard.

 

PP