Reconciliation after I cheated on my ex

[nihongo]

I think those are all positive steps on her part, but it doesn't make me think she'll reach out to you. I don't know what the next move is honestly but I think the ball is in your court. Two months is a while for her to meet someone new and get into a new relationship and then your chance is lost.

 

You keep mentioning that you only want to be friends because you don't want to get hurt. The focus is on you. What about her? She's the one that has been hurt. If I were you, I'd be the one to take the risk of being hurt again and accept her friendship because she's been hurt enough already.

[PostmanPat]

I'm not too worried about 'if she meets someone'. I don't want to do this just to 'prevent her meeting someone'. If I'm doing it for those reasons, I'm doing it for the wrong reasons. It's more that I love her, I feel she loves me too but doesn't know how to handle it.

 

I believe we jumped into things too soon. Her contacting me came all of a sudden, and she basically broke down and told me how much she loved and missed me. She basically wanted everything we had in our relationships... except the tag... because she was scared of the repercussions from friends (but defended our friendship status).

 

Me going NC on her has helped me deal with a few things at my own end but I think I'd like to re-open the lines of communication and see what happens. I think I'm ready. I can't see how she will have gotten into a new relationship just now, she's travelling solo to Japan, she's just moved out of our old house because she is moving interstate for a few months...

 

My plan is basically to email her knowing she is in Japan, no doubt thinking about me (cannot POSSIBLY imagine she wouldn't be given she has elected to visit the only country in the world with those memories... a country she was actually hesitant to go to before we first went together). That way there is NO chance that either of us can jump into anything too quick, because she's not in the same city as me.

 

I really just want to reach out and see what happens, with absolutely NO pressure or expectation of anything.

 

Do you think that's okay?

[PostmanPat]

Thanks Nihongo for your words. I read the 'Dark Side of NC' thread that's on this board and took some tips.

 

I reached out to her a few nights ago with a carefully worded email. She's OS as I knew (didn't snoop, my mate bloody decided to tell me!).

 

She received my email, emailed me back and told me she had lots to tell me. We spoke on the phone for an hour or two.. it was really good but she did want to know what's changed and why I'd reached out after saying what I did (that I can't just be friends). I told her why I said that and what's changed. She accepted it.

 

She also told me she thinks about me everyday, is struggling to get over me, it comes in waves but she is thinking about getting professional help for it. She writes me letters that she never sends. No words at all about our relationship itself nor getting back, no way... not going down that path again. I'm feeling quite comfortable just chatting to her knowing that the fact she is OS for a few months will help us just chat at a very friendly level with no pressure.

 

Since that chat she's been messaging me without prompt, sending me pics of her trip and listening to an album I recommended.

 

Will devise myself a plan of how I want to approach this... I don't want to be chatting to her all day everyday (as tempting as it is) because I don't want her to wake up one day and feel like we're talking too much and I'm suddenly a threat again. Baby steps.

[nihongo]

Sounds like your approach is going smoothly. There is a nice balance and little pressure. She's OS for a few months? Sorry but what's OS? Out of State? If she's away, those few months will give you both valuable time to think things through.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like she is willing to chat as friends.

[*]She still regards me as her best friend[*]She wants to remain in contact with me and be friends

[ThatwasThen]

•She wants to remain in contact with me and be friends

 

but she said she can never get back to being in a relationship with me.

I think those statements are pretty clear as to where she stands and as long as she still has you hanging off of her like a lost puppy she is completely confident that she can have you in her life while not committing. In other words, you are helping her to get over you and if she meets someone else, you will be the "good friend" that she gets to have sex with but now it's over because she has a new boyfriend.

 

I think you would do well to take back your personal power and let her know that if she's not interested in being your girlfriend again, if she can't trust you even though you've done everything to understand your behaviour and to learn how to not do it again with the help of a therapist, then you need to stop having her in your life so that you can heal and eventually find a good woman that will trust you and will want to be your girlfriend.

 

Then, if she doesn't want that, you go back to ZERO contact (which includes no social media stalking or friendship(s)) and you start to process of healing ONCE AGAIN. You owe it to yourself to be with someone that wants you the same way you want them. End this quasi-union that keeps you both stagnated in some kind of love limbo.

 

Since that chat she's been messaging me without prompt, sending me pics of her trip and listening to an album I recommended.

Yes... you're helping her to get over you. Zero contact unless it's a message from her saying: "Lets get back together and forget what caused us to break up in the first place" (or some such reconciliation email.)

 

The more you keep in touch, the more you give her zero reason to reconcile.

I really just want to reach out and see what happens, with absolutely NO pressure or expectation of anything.

No... that's not okay. Either you're back together as a couple our you are broken up which means you go zero contact so you can heal and be open enough in heart and mind to find someone new.

[PostmanPat]

So, it's been over a month now... and I wanted to give an update as I believe we're slowly moving to the next stage.

 

We talk almost every day. She's on the other side of the world and she will be for a few more months, so it is not possible for us to catch up. That is very hard BUT I know it is exactly the medicine we need to get to know each other again. I'm really proud of her and she's proud of me.

 

She's said some really nice things, how great it is to talk shop again, she's always using the love heart emoji... she's in a part of the world where internet is spotty, but as soon as she gets internet she'll send me a message with photos, messages and funny stuff. The way we've been talking it feels like I am her 'go to' person again for all her chat. She's travelling alone.

 

Importantly, there's been no talk about getting back together. There's been a few chats about some good times in our relationship (no bad like the last time we caught up), but mostly everything is about the now and into the future. Also importantly, I think she has forgiven me for what happened. There has been no chat about it, no alluding to it, none of that. She seems genuinely happy to talk to me each time.

 

She half invited me to come join her but I can't get the time to do it so will have to wait until the end of the year. That bit is killing me a little bit. It wasn't initially, but now we are starting to talk almost everyday again, I just really would like to see her.

 

On the flip side, I deliberately contacted her while she was away for this reason as I think it'll just help us grow stronger and stronger without any pressure from us or friends/family, and when we do eventually see each other again, that foundation will already be very strong. I just didn't know she was away for so long!!

 

I know I did a bad thing, but I'm proud of myself for the way I handled it. I gave her the space, love and respect she deserved because I love her very much. I was prepared to let her go, to do anything to help her move on with her life as she didn't deserve it and it seems that now that I've given her a lot of space to discover herself, she's out doing that on her own and she's realised that I can still be an important part of her life.

 

Will we get back together? I don't know... but all I know is we're both very happy talking to each other, and to be honest, it's not the be all and end all anymore. For me it's about being happy and grateful she's in my life still. If that happens, great. If not, I've worked hard to put myself in a great spot on my own. Great new friends, new female friends, new adventures on the horizon and I'm comfortable with that.