Dealing with work trips

[rocko123]

I've got a blended family with both my wife and I bringing our kids from practice marriages. We have a great relationship based on mutual respect and many lessons learned the hard way through our previous marriages. Her daughter is 11 and my son is 7. I share 50-50 custody with my ex while my wife has almost complete custody (her ex lives in another state and makes a very minimal effort to parent). As a result, we have our daughter pretty much all of the time and our son about 50% of the time.

 

My wife works from home as her company is in another state but she is expected to travel and visit the home office around once a month for 3-4 days. I rarely travel for work anymore as my company has moved most people to our city.

 

She is always very considerate in consulting me when scheduling her upcoming trips because she knows it puts a lot of stress on my working schedule to have to pull full parenting on at least one but likely both kids in her absence.

 

I should also mention that this is our daughter's last year at her current school and that she'll be going to a much closer school next year. I probably only have 1-2 more of her work trips that will be as hectic for me as described above and I anticipate these trips being much easier for me to manage after that.

 

So that's the scenario.

 

All of that being said, I've grown to dread these tripsfor a few reasons:

 

1. On the days that she's gone, I have to drop kids off and pick them up from school, take them to extracurriculars, cook, clean, care for pets, AND work a full day, which generally is 8-10 hours depending on how busy I am. It basically means that I'll be on the road for 3 hours, in the office for 6 hours, and then have to fit the other stuff around it. I'm generally going non-stop from 5:30am to 10:30pm and I STILL feel like I'm falling behind at work.

 

In contrast, her boss takes her and coworkers out to extravagant dinners and she sends me pictures of all of the great food and drink. She gets a full hotel suite to herself and will call me and tell me how nice and quiet it is. Then, when she gets home from her trip, she tells me how tired she is from her trip and how much she's fallen behind. Although I know she doesn't mean anything by it, her complaints just feels a bit tone-deaf in contrast to what I've had to deal with so that she could go out and get wined and dined and pampered (that's what my internal dialog tells me even though I know she's out there working).

 

2. Recently, her boss has started travelling to our city the week after my wife travels. Of course, she's expected to go out and do client visits and have fancy dinners with him when he's here. I am asked to cover anything she can't while he's out here

 

3. Since it's become a standard, monthly thing, she really doesn't express gratitude for all of the extra time I put in while she's away. While I know that she is appreciative, it's nice to hear it.

 

4. Based on her comments, she obviously enjoys being able to take a few days break from our normal routine. While I'm happy that she gets that, it sounds nice enough that I would like a periodic break as well but, since I don't travel for work very often, I don't get one.

 

I don't want to come off as petty or selfish about this. I understand very well that work trips are work, no matter what. I understand that traveling is exhausting, no matter where you travel to and from. I know that, if I were to ask her, she would line up people to help out with the kid pickup/dropoff thing while she's gone. And most importantly, I am really excited that things are changing and that future trips won't be quite so hectic on me. Maybe this is all just venting on my part.

 

I REALLY don't want to make a bigger deal out of this than it is and I don't want to make her feel guilty for what is basically a requirement of her job, a job that she truly seems to enjoy. Does anybody else have a similar arrangement and, if so, how do you manage it so that both parties feel like their needs are being considered and their efforts are being appreciated? Is there a way I can approach my concerns with her that shows that I don't mind being supportive but letting her know how it impacts me?

[Gloworm]

Practice marriages?? Never heard that before.

[melancholy123]

It's good that the hectic stuff will be coming to an end for you before too long. However, what you are doing when you have both kids to take care of on your own is what most single parents have to deal with every day of the year. So, not to be rude, but you are not hard done by in comparison. See if you can recruit help with the kids and their activities those days when she is away. If you dont want to hear how wonderful her hotel room is, how the great the food is, then ask her not to tell you about it. If she asks why, then tell her. I'd feel down too if I was you! But if you keep it all to yourself, she won't know and nothing will change.

[jjkk]

I would just ask her (or do it yourself) to line up help (friends/neighbors picking up and taking kids to school, activities, have meals prepared in advance, get take out for meals, hire someone to come and clean those days, etc.) for all of these things while she's gone.

[j.man]

It's really inconsequential what she's doing for work while she's gone, even if it's fancy dinners. I can understand how it's easy to be resentful of that kind of thing, but you gotta put in your mind that it's still her work. So let's just count that bit as a gripe on your end and move on.

 

That out of the way, it's very important to keep your levels of contribution on par with each other. If you look at the time she is home, do you notice her maybe picking up some extra slack to offset her absences?

 

I would focus less on asking her to show more gratitude and more on thinking of things that would help you out. Maybe you could hire someone to clean the house during the weekend she's gone. Maybe ask if she'd be OK prepping a couple meals for you to simply stick in the oven-- or just do takeout. You'd know better than me what options there are, but I'm sure if you put your mind to work, you can think of some things to ask to make your job easier when she's gone.

[rocko123]

That's a really great point. She was basically that single mother for 4 years before we met because of her ex and she didn't get to do these kinds of work trips at all. I am glad that my presence makes it possible and that life is easier for her in the process.

[rocko123]

Thanks for that, j.man. I'm mature enough to know when I'm being sort of immature about something like the dinners. She has expressed concern in the past that maybe it's not fair to send me stuff like that

 

I'd say that we are on pretty equal footing in terms of what we do around the house. I'll have to noodle it over on things she can do in preparation for her trips to make life easier on me

[ParisPaulette]

I would tell her that you both need to revisit divvying up the housework and kids, point out to her that she has essentially started to drop things. OR you tell her you're hiring a housekeeper and nanny to help since you also hold a full-time job AND doing that plus everything else is just becoming too much. Barring that when she gets home tell her thank heavens she's here, you have to run, hand her the keys and the schedule, a peck on the lips and bolt out the door. She'll get the message soon enough.

 

I'm sorry, but you need to speak up and not complain to us, but to sit her down and tell her how this is feeling and looking. Yes, she's your partner and no, you shouldn't be doing everything now. There's a fine line between supporting partner and doormat and if she's taking you for granted and you're now finding out that this is not an equal marriage you need to speak up.

 

Personally, I'd just hire a young healthy housekeeper/nanny, explain to my spouse that I'm burned out from handling it all, and that each of us will split the bill. And be done with it. You're suffering from what women kind of call "The Superwoman Syndrome" and it's just not a healthy thing to do. I was a single mom, I did it all, I ended up on my back in the hospital from it.

 

It's probably time for some outside help, honestly.

[Ms Darcy]

I can't help but notice that you were a 50/50 parent while she was 100 percent. I get the feeling like a lot of men, who for whatever reason, aren't full time fathers are pretty overwhelmed with just a few days of full time parental responsibility.

 

My parents were/are married but my mother always did more ... worked full time, fed the kids, etc.

 

I'm sorry but it is a couple of days a month and she's working. I just travelled for work today so I am biased because I felt like throwing up on the plane but traveling really is exhausting ... which is part of the reason some employers take employees out to decompress.

 

I think it's nice to be happy for her and use those days where you are working harder fir you to think of strategies to lighten your load a bit such as prepping meals in advance.

[rocko123]

Thank you guys so much for your help! I really appreciate your input and took it to heart. You helped add some perspective:

 

- It's only a few days a month and, without having to do the extra 2 hours a day of kid driving, it will be much more manageable and less stressful after the end of this school year

- In the week since she's been back, my wife has mentioned a few tweaks to make in preparation for her next trip. She clearly gets that it's hard on me and wants to mitigate it as much as possible

- I was venting here first because I didn't know if any of my concerns were valid. After sleeping on it and considering the feedback, most of them were just me having a pity party. The few that can be addressed seem easy enough to do with some constructive communication between us and maybe some outside help if I should need it

- In truth, I don't consider myself a 50/50 parent because her daughter is 100% my daughter. The stress mostly came from all of the starts and stops at work and the damned driving! But I do acknowledge your point(s) that many people have it way worse and that's something constructive to focus on

 

Thanks again for helping me through it, guys!

[Ms Darcy]

Good for you! Glad you feel better.