How can I help my gf?

[wondering731]

We were friends first for a while (over a yr). We could just hang out during this time, or sleep together, or make fun of each other and just enjoy life when we wanted to and everything was great. I just felt like I always want to be there for her and asked her out about 2 months ago.

 

A few things happened recently that make me worry about her and the relationship. She asked me if she could be a model and I hesitated but responded and she didn't believe me. She constantly reminds me of this now. I try to tell her she looks great (she's slightly over weight but not that much and lost weight over the past yr and looks good) and shes doing great but it keeps coming up. I also have had a couple of times were I wasn't in the mood and just went to sleep and she thinks it's because of her weight. I've had to stay up late with her many times reassuring her. I end up feeling frustrated that I'm hurting her and I feel.tired at work coming in late and lethargic and don't think I could keep that up for long.

 

We used to never fight as friends and now it seems like that's all we do. I want to know how I could help her but feel lost. Please help

[limichelle]

Weight loss is tricky, I know because I am overweight and lost fifty pounds. I still need more to go. It sounds like she is feeling overwhelmed now that she has taken things with you to a romantic level. Her expectations are higher for herself to look and feel her best.

 

I would keep telling her she is beautiful the way she is also congratulate her on losing the weight. Talk to her more about the weight and keep bringing up positives about her body that you think are sexy features.

 

As for losing sleep and work, that's a problem. You need to be functioning at your best to also help her. Let her gently know you need your sleep because you have to work.

 

Lisa

[Ms Darcy]

I would just be honest with her and let her know you have observed that she seems pretty unsure about her weight and that while you are happy to occasionally reassure her that she is beautiful, that she needs to do some inner work to feel better about herself as well.

[Robin2904]

You seem like you're being very supportive which is good and really all you can do. It comes down to her insecurities and you can't really do much to change that, that's something she has to work on on her own, body issues are really difficult to overcome for a lot of people. Just keep being supportive as much as you can, maybe address it to her as Ms Darcy said, tread lightly though, its a sensitive subject.

[Billie28]

Tread lightly!!!

When weight is such an issue it is a reflection of self esteem and no matter what you say it won't make a difference.

Self esteem comes from within and won't improve by external compliments.

Just a btw, does her weight bother you at all?? Honestly?

[Wolfshook]

What I did when my ex was unsecure with herself, I would often out of the blue tell her she is hot and almost worship her body during sex. She got over it eventually,but it didnt help during breakup lol.

[wondering731]

Tread lightly!!!

When weight is such an issue it is a reflection of self esteem and no matter what you say it won't make a difference.

Self esteem comes from within and won't improve by external compliments.

Just a btw, does her weight bother you at all?? Honestly?

 

I didn't think I did. The more she points it out though the more it starts to.

[Wiseman2]

She sounds terribly insecure about her appearance and seems to need excessive reassurances. Even fishing for compliments and putting you in a no-win situation if you don't do say exactly the right thing at the right moment. You are not hurting her...she is obsessed with her appearance. The more you feed this the more she will insist on reassurances and blame everything on her weight, and project this onto you, making you the ogre.

I just felt like I always want to be there for her and asked her out about 2 months ago. She asked me if she could be a model and I hesitated but responded and she didn't believe me. I also have had a couple of times were I wasn't in the mood and just went to sleep and she thinks it's because of her weight.

[j.man]

Oh dear God. Look, like any other half intelligent man, I'll throw out the routine unsolicited compliment to keep morale high, but I don't bull**** to appease fragile egos. My girlfriend knows that I'm pretty shallow guy and that she can trust she looks objectively amazing and that I have no desire for any other face or body, but if she asks me a question, I'll give her an honest answer. I think it was last year she asked if I thought she could be a swimsuit model. I said, "Babe, you've got a really good ass, but you don't have a swimsuit model good ass. That's an ass that comes with a 135 pound squat, and you don't squat."

[Billie28]

I didn't think I did. The more she points it out though the more it starts to.

 

I would say it doesn't bother you but her talking about it does.

Tell her that her weight issue is hers and not yours, if she complains about it and doesn't do anything about it then she needs to accept it as is.

Tell her you accept it as is but will support her in her attempts to improve.

She could lose 10kg and still moan about it though, since the real issue isn't weight but self esteem.

[Billie28]

Oh dear God. Look, like any other half intelligent man, I'll throw out the routine unsolicited compliment to keep morale high, but I don't bull**** to appease fragile egos. My girlfriend knows that I'm pretty shallow guy and that she can trust she looks objectively amazing and that I have no desire for any other face or body, but if she asks me a question, I'll give her an honest answer. I think it was last year she asked if I thought she could be a swimsuit model. I said, "Babe, you've got a really good ass, but you don't have a swimsuit model good ass. That's an ass that comes with a 135 pound squat, and you don't squat."

 

Haha! But, your gf has good self esteem.

I agree that you shouldn't have to bs to appease someone, but your gf has good self esteem to even ask that question and therefore you can be so blunt with your honest answers.

She might have a very similar body to the op's gf, your gf likely put her bikini on and strutted off to the beach.

The op's gf would likely refuse to go to the beach and ruin the day.

So, what do you do?

[Wiseman2]

That lack of confidence and chronic insecurity can get unattractive. Have you ever heard of Body dysmorphic disorder? Here's the description: "a mental disorder characterized by an obsessive preoccupation that some aspect of one's own appearance is severely flawed and warrants exceptional measures to hide or fix it". So she may need to work all this out with a counselor.

I didn't think I did. The more she points it out though the more it starts to.

[SoulTaker]

She asked me if she could be a model and I hesitated but responded and she didn't believe me. She constantly reminds me of this now.

 

"He who hesitates is lost" (or in this case, loses the girl). This is what it is all about. As soon as she said it, you should have immediately responded "yes". Because you didn't, now you have a problem, and it is taking its toll on you.

 

You need to tell her in a polite way to knock it off, by telling her that you wouldn't be with her if you didn't like how she looks. If this doesn't work, and she persists in lowering her "self-esteem", then tell her that things were better when the two of you were friends, and you'd like to go back to it being a friendship (something needs to change).