Ex keeps trying to remain friends, how do I deal with this?

[Johnny Anony]

I am about a month and a half past the day my ex common law wife and I split. She left based on lack of affection, and sex in the relationship. I have accepted responsibility with this as I was on heavy meds to control depression which I have accepted as being caused by myself not being happy with her. I have learned a lot about love addiction and believe that both if us entered into our relationship for coping with depression. Anyway she finally moved out of our family home a couple of weeks ago, emptied all the kids rooms of their Beds, cleaned all of her belongings. It was almost like I went through the shock of her leaving me all over again, as it solidified the reality that she really was leaving me. Now with all the recent realizations of me knowing that I was in a codependent, unhealthy relationship which was just hurting our kids I am focused on getting through this positively. But she does not seem to want to let our friendship go, which really was our relationship. We had a great companionship which really outlasted the romantic love we had for each other. She continues to speak about issues outside the kids, texts me in the morning to talk. When she drops on of the kids off she walks around the house making comments on items that need to be cleaned or fixed. I try to keep it brief, she'll make comments on my recent weight loss(I only lost 35lbs because I quit all drugs, and anti depressants) I have been very distant, but polite when speaking to her. I honestly have not been doing well at all. This loss has caused depression, but it's getting better. I'm working on me seeing a therapist, focusing on my lack of self esteem which put me Into a codependent relationship. However when she calls me, or comes into my house it just sets me back. Today again she called and this time she wanted to come over to kill time before work, and she discussed me getting a living arrangement with a mutual guy friend of ours which really is more of her friend. I simply politely let her know that her and I are no longer friends. I didn't want to hurt her but I never wanted just friendship with her despite knowing our relationship was wrong. It hurts me to look at her, I love her she's beautiful. This is hard for me because I haven't called my kids, I need to just focus on being a parent with her and just making this about the kids while I heal. Can anyone share any coping methods you may have used to get through an addiction to a Person, and any advice on how I am going to stay out of he friend zone with my ex and focus on just my kids. I have done well by telling her today that her and I weren't friends but she just said OK, buy then and we hung up the phone. I just need help preparing for the future with her.

[Wiseman2]

You have kids in common so an amicable relationship is a good thing, no? Not sure if I would label this an addiction to someone rather than a divorce-like split, which is painful for anyone.

 

Can you just keep it friendly and about the kids but push back from hanging out if that is too painful for now?

 

If you two were like pals/roommates this may be for the best.

I am about a month and a half past the day my ex common law wife and I split. She left based on lack of affection, and sex in the relationship.

 

Anyway she finally moved out of our family home a couple of weeks ago, emptied all the kids rooms of their Beds, cleaned all of her belongings.

 

But she does not seem to want to let our friendship go, which really was our relationship.

 

I simply politely let her know that her and I are no longer friends.

 

This is hard for me because I haven't called my kids, I need to just focus on being a parent with her and just making this about the kids while I heal.

[Johnny Anony]

You have kids in common so an amicable relationship is a good thing, no? Not sure if I would label this an addiction to someone rather than a divorce-like split, which is painful for anyone.

 

Can you just keep it friendly and about the kids but push back from hanging out if that is too painful for now?

 

If you two were like pals/roommates this may be for the best.

Yes that's really all I want, I don't wanna be friends with her at all. I am willing to become amicable parents, though she seems to want to keep me as a close friend and this friendship is gone. But I am all for keeping it about the kids that's all I want. She just needs to understand that I cannot be there for her when she needs someone to talk to.

[Wiseman2]

Totally agree. For some reason women like to turn their exes into male gal-pals.

Yes that's really all I want, I don't wanna be friends with her at all. I am willing to become amicable parents, though she seems to want to keep me as a close friend and this friendship is gone. But I am all for keeping it about the kids that's all I want. She just needs to understand that I cannot be there for her when she needs someone to talk to.

[SooSad33]

Totally agree. For some reason women like to turn their exes into male gal-pals.

 

Women do? I have never kept any of my ex's around for 'friends', although I have one presently who wants to keep me around as 'friends' and I have said No. I can't.

he was slightly more than just a 'friend' to me over this past year.

 

Cannot be 'friends' with an ex until those 'feelings' are gone. And usually by then we don't care anymore...

[dave_1966]

Jus tell her what you've said in this thread! Also, I'm puzzled as to why you refer to her as your ex common law wife? You were just cohabiting, yes?

[Hollyj]

I'm sorry for your pain.

 

You are absolutely right. Discuss only the kids. Period. Also, she needs to be off limits to the house - there is no reason for her to come in. She does not get to continue to get the benefit of a relationship without one.

 

You need to care for yourself, so that you can care for your kids. Have you considered going back on the mess, for a while?

[Hollyj]

Jus tell her what you've said in this thread! Also, I'm puzzled as to why you refer to her as your ex common law wife? You were just cohabiting, yes?

 

If a couple lives together for a certain period - depends on state - it is common law.

[reinventmyself]

You seem to let her dictate how much contact you two will have when it should be your call on how much you are willing to tolerate.

Morning chats and her telling how you should lead your life are inappropriate. Walking around a home she no longer lives in is not ok either.

Do you help yourself to her home?

Set some boundaries.

 

Tell her the only topic of discussion will be about the children. You will greet her at the door.

Get some distance and clarity and grieve the ending of this relationship. It's a painful time but her constant presence and easy access to you is inhibiting you from moving forward.

 

Don't worry that you will `hurt' her by setting limits. You two are no longer a couple. She doesn't get to have access to you like one.

 

You mention `working on seeing a therapist' ?

I think it's good idea to have an advocate for yourself while you are going through this. Make some phone calls today.

Hang in there. It won't always be like this.

[dave_1966]

If a couple lives together for a certain period - depends on state - it is common law.

 

Didn't know that, I'm in UK. Doesn't mean a thing here.

[Johnny Anony]

Thank you everyone who replied, I have had a talk with my ex, she does agree that we only need to talk about the kids and she does not need to be in the house. I guess it's hard when a companionship has to end but unfortunately this is what needs to happen for us to move on, thanks again.

[Silverbirch]

I think she probably still gas strong feelings for you.

[Johnny Anony]

I think she probably still gas strong feelings for you.

I don't doubt that, but she is certain she has made the correct decision with leaving me, I also did want the break up. I honestly believe we both had Co dependency issues, I love her, but I believe we went into the relationship as a crutch to fill our own personal problems. This is why I believe she kept calling me last week, and coming in. She can't look me I the eyes for more than 5 seconds which is weird. I just told her tonight that I can't be her friend, and don't want to know what's going on her life because I have to deal with all of this. Every time I look at her it brings me back ten steps. We have to have limited contact, just talk about the kids, and not see each other if I am to move on.

[Vastaux]

Didn't know that, I'm in UK. Doesn't mean a thing here.

It means exactly the same thing in the uk, it just doesn't have a legal basis. Have you never seen the option for common law on a relationship status option on things like insurance forms etc?

 

Just thought I'd point it out.