Running out of ideas to find someone???

[musicman777]

Hello all,

Well here I am again! I just recently had my 26th birthday and spent the day "alone" again (literally, I didn't celebrate my birthday with anyone, feels pretty crappy actually). And another year older makes me reflect on everything of the past year. Also, that dreaded holiday, "valentines day" is up. This holiday makes me filled with anger and resentment anymore. At the end of the day I admit to myself; I really want to find someone again, another nice woman for my life. It's been almost five years since I've had a serious relationship. But I keep failing MISERABLY at this. And I feel like, on these forums especially, I can solve everyone's problems except for my own.

This past year, I pursued a couple women I met just in daily life (both were taken), I tried online dating (which I am officially done with) and only went on one lowzy date with a strange girl that never called back and also gave me the mono virus, and I also tried the "meetup.com" routine. I tried co ed sports. And although I felt it was a big learning/growing experience for me, at the end of the day, it has completely failed to be a means for me to find a girlfriend. Most of the women are older and/or taken (married), or they are there just to play sports. I can't even say I made any friends doing this, and it has been several months now. It's actually quite depressing. I've been more social in general; try to get out of the house more, going out to eat more and going places. I've asked friends for help, no one seems to be able to do anything. I don't know what else to do.

 

I'm NOT desperate or trying to force this to happen. But I feel the time is right, I feel pretty pretty comfortable where I am in life. But I'm just officially out of options and nothing ever works out for me. And realistically I don't see myself ever finding someone "naturally"; I work from home, I don't get to go out much and mingle with people as others do. Does anybody have any advice/suggestions on what I am supposed to do at this point? I'm out of ideas. I get really depressed staying on this site sometimes. I read about some of you men, 30's, 40's, some of you never even had a girlfriend and have been trying for many many years. My case fortunately isn't that bad or hasn't been that long but I don't see the predicament much better come another 5-10 years.

I read online from a few legitimate websites, where I live is one of the top 10 worst cities in the United States for dating. I also have mild evidence that I am at a statistical disadvantage with my location. What am I supposed to do, though; move out of the city and change my entire way of life just in hopes of finding a girlfriend? Get real. I especially hate that advice "you'll find someone when you least expect it" or "you'll find someone when the time is right". When you are done with college, have a life, a career, and are settled down does the saying "when the the time is right" a bunch of horse crap? Some people say look, others say don't look. It's all VERY confusing. I'm just so sick of all of it.

[Willywagtail]

So, have a quick think about this. What exactly do YOU have to offer a woman, a potential GF?

 

I say this kindly, OK? You work from home, don't have friends and believe that a woman 'for your life' is going to solve all your problems. What's attractive about the life you lead? Nothing.

 

Sure, you're lonely and miss having a relationship, but you haven't bothered to work on any of the other relationships in your life.

 

It's not a matter of finding a GF, it's a matter of finding yourself, valuing yourself and then having something of value to offer another human being in a relationship. It's NOT what a GF can do for you to fill the desperate hole in your life (very unattractive), it's about what you can contribute .

 

So, get out of the house. Develop friendships around your interests. Cultivate an interest in people - there is no way you'll attract a women if you can't communicate, can't talk about shared interests, can't connect emotionally.

 

You don't have to move away from where you live to find someone, you need to find yourself and you'll find someone.

[Batya33]

; move out of the city and change my entire way of life just in hopes of finding a girlfriend?

 

Yes! I did. I didn't move far (less than 10 miles) but I moved to a very high rent district in the center of a city teeming with singles. I originally met my husband at work, within a month or so he lived 10 blocks away from me (ironically he moved from the same area I had) and it made our dating so much more fun and easier. Before I started dating him my social life improved dramatically by living within walking distance of work and all the city had to offer. And after we broke up my dating life was very active mostly because of where I lived. I did know single women who lived outside the city who dated a lot, of course, but for those of us with crazy working hours having to commute for a date really hampered a social life - or meeting people who worked those hours.

 

Yes you have to be proactive so that, like me, you can be up at 6am on Valentine's Day with a 6 year old who says "Happy Valentine's Day. I will never ever replace you". (whew).

[maker]

To reiterate the advice that you gave me in another thread, there's no magic formula or guarantee of finding someone. Without trying to be snarky, this is a valuable bit of advice:

 

I'm sure when you REALLY think about it, there is some part of your life you can improve or something you can change if you want to to try to put yourself in a place to meet women. I disagree on dating coaches, dating sites, and things. But what I do think you should do is start saying "yes" to new things like different hobbies/activities out there. Because I think in areas like that is where you may meet someone naturally. Good luck.

 

After contracting mono and feeling burned out, why don't you step back and really focus on the things that make you happy and more importantly keep you occupied? As long as you're busy with something, you won't have time to feel lonely, I can guarantee that. And if this site makes you feel even worse, I'd suggest staying away from ENA or at the very least limiting your exposure. With what women can offer you in a relationship, is it really worth being depressed about being single? Enjoy having free time without having to ask for it, spending your money as you want instead of being on an allowance or having to justify every purchase. My point isn't that you'll find someone eventually and everything will be okay from that point on, I don't believe those platitudes either, those are just empty phrases that others dispense so you don't feel as bad. Take a break, reevaluate your priorities so that getting a girlfriend is lower on the list than catching mononucleosis and you'll be much better off in the long run.

[TMifune]

Yes you have to be proactive so that, like me, you can be up at 6am on Valentine's Day with a 6 year old who says "Happy Valentine's Day. I will never ever replace you". (whew).

 

That sounds a whole lot better than catering to the vanity that is Valentine's day!!

[Batya33]

That sounds a whole lot better than catering to the vanity that is Valentine's day!!

 

I think it depends how/why you celebrate. My husband is not with us this V-day because he is caring for a sick family member. We are not totally invested in it but sure we celebrate. I do think it's a shame when people who are single feel badly on Valentine's Day. I just sent a valentine's day wish to my newest friend - she is married - but I figured why not let her know today I was thinking of her?

[Sportster2005]

I'd feel pretty crappy too if I was convinced the next 5 to 10 years wouldn't see any improvement. That's a pretty dark cloud to put yourself under.

 

Here's what I think. Care less about it. Don't become apathetic. Just continue to find satisfaction in other areas of your life. Sure it would be nice to meet someone. But don't make your happiness dependent on it. As far as looking or not looking. Do whatever feels right at the time. I go months without even entertaining the idea. And then I'll take a swing at it. But I guess I don't have the same pressure as someone your age. I could go through the rest of life alone and not be too upset.

 

If you're in such a bad city you might want to consider moving. Not just because it's good for dating. Because life is meant to be experienced and lived. I have kids keeping me anchored here. If not I would try working and living in other cities, or even countries.

[Ms Darcy]

If your city is the main issue, I see no problem leaving it.

 

For me having a great career as well as marriage where top priorities for me so I moved to a bigger city where there would be more opportunities for both. You just have to decide what your priorities are.

[musicman777]

So, have a quick think about this. What exactly do YOU have to offer a woman, a potential GF?

 

I say this kindly, OK? You work from home, don't have friends and believe that a woman 'for your life' is going to solve all your problems. What's attractive about the life you lead? Nothing.

 

Sure, you're lonely and miss having a relationship, but you haven't bothered to work on any of the other relationships in your life.

 

It's not a matter of finding a GF, it's a matter of finding yourself, valuing yourself and then having something of value to offer another human being in a relationship. It's NOT what a GF can do for you to fill the desperate hole in your life (very unattractive), it's about what you can contribute .

 

So, get out of the house. Develop friendships around your interests. Cultivate an interest in people - there is no way you'll attract a women if you can't communicate, can't talk about shared interests, can't connect emotionally.

 

You don't have to move away from where you live to find someone, you need to find yourself and you'll find someone.

 

Hello, thanks for the replies. Look, this is not the problem I have, this is one of the things I want to make very clear. Fist of all, I work from home because I love working from home. I actually work for a couple different companies and both are great job opportunities. I am very lucky to do what I do and not many other people get to do it. I work for major film studios, actors, I sometimes get to boss them around, too. Secondly, I DO have friends, some of which I talk to almost every day.

 

Look, I never said finding a girlfriend is going to "solve all my problems". I don't think I have any problems going on in my life. Furthermore I think I have a lot to offer in someone and I think I have already demonstrated that in my past relationships. You know why I hate online dating? Not just because of the lack of success, because I value myself as a person. I personally don't feel I should have to chase women and messages dozens of them for a single date, I think they should be chasing me on those stupid websites. I think I have a LOT to offer someone. I think I am a great person and in the past I have been very kind, patient, caring, and generous to the women I have dated in the past. I think anyone would be lucky to have me. Does that sound like the talk of as guy who isn't ready to find someone?

 

I'm more so getting frustrated because this is just a very confusing part of life. You know, part of me would like to say "***k it, I give up". You know, I don't NEED someone to go on in my life and make me happy. But I feel like I would by lying to myself to say I didn't want anyone either, and I don't want to look back years from now and say "why didn't I do more?". Sporterster, I actually like your advice and that is kind of what I do already. I don't really make it a main priority in my life, but as you said, once in a while I take a swing at it. I don't see a problem with me trying things like the meetup, at least going out ONCE a week even for a few hours to see if I can make new friends and find someone along the way.

[maker]

It was the frustration stemming from wasted time, money and effort that led me to taking a year long break from trying. You're unlikely to achieve anything once you go on a tilt, tryharding through a string of failures is bound to keep that string going. You already know that you don't need anyone so female companionship and intimacy is really a bonus, not something you can't live without. Get busy with hobbies and/or work, make the most out of every day and you'll be better off in the long run.

[Ms Darcy]

I'm more so getting frustrated because this is just a very confusing part of life. You know, part of me would like to say "***k it, I give up". You know, I don't NEED someone to go on in my life and make me happy. But I feel like I would by lying to myself to say I didn't want anyone either, and I don't want to look back years from now and say "why didn't I do more?"

 

I just wish you had perspective. Finding the kind of love people want has been hard for many centuries. Many books and poems written about it. People who have been looking well into their 30s and 40s.

 

In my opinion, the best way to find it is to really cherish it/don't take it for granted when you do have it and, when possible, don't let it go.

[Ms Darcy]

You know why I hate online dating? Not just because of the lack of success, because I value myself as a person. I personally don't feel I should have to chase women and messages dozens of them for a single date, I think they should be chasing me on those stupid websites. I think I have a LOT to offer someone. I think I am a great person and in the past I have been very kind, patient, caring, and generous to the women I have dated in the past. I think anyone would be lucky to have me. Does that sound like the talk of as guy who isn't ready to find someone?

 

I did have to laugh at this a little dude. There is confidence and then there is cockiness. Humility may not get you a date, but it is a good thing to try to have.

 

For what it's worth, I think anybody complaining about "chasing" on online is a bit silly. It takes five minutes (if that) to send a message to someone. Either they respond or they don't. I sent messages all the time. It wasn't a big deal. It takes a lot more courage and effort to do it in person.

 

Don't online date if you don't like it. But unless you are the super "hot" kind of guy that gets girls chasing you in real life, that's not going to happen online either. By the way, I never had a ton of men going after me either, so I get it.

 

Just stop online dating. Really. It's better not to do it than to complain bitterly about something that is essentially a business that is outside of your control.

[Batya33]

No one should chase anyone and people should date in real life -not on line - great if the first contact is on line - but then meet and date in person. I never wanted to meet anyone who would think he needed to "chase" -let alone chase a stranger.

 

If you value yourself as a person and value your goal of eventual marriage (or an LTR) then do all you can to meet compatible people. That is not meant as "be desperate" or "settle" -the opposite - invest your precious free time into activities and events where you meet people -whether they are people who you have things in common with and who might be able to introduce you to potentially good matches or single women who you might be compatible with.

 

11 years ago today a friend of mine in her 30s went to do her laundry in her building's laundromat on a rainy Valentine's night. She ended up marrying the cute guy who had the same idea that night. She'd been engaged to a guy she met online and he had ended things a year or so earlier - so imagine that kind of heartbreak.

 

That same Valentine's night I was on a fourth date with a guy I'd met online (and about 2 blocks from my friend's building, ironically) - it was very romantic (although not sexual) and sweet of him and he never called again despite the lovely evening. I started dating my future husband 6 months later, at age 39. You never know - unless you go with this negative comfort zone, these excuses, the cop-out - then you will definitely know that you're most likely not going to meet anyone. No guarantees but throwing in the towel is a sad guarantee.

[musicman777]

Hello everyone,

Thanks for all the replies. Just to be absolutely clear, I quit the online dating several months ago, never went back. Never liked it to begin with, only tried it because my sister said it was a "good idea" now that I was older. Moving on; you know some of you may laugh, but last year Matthew McConaughey did this commencement speech at a college (you guys can google it). He's obviously not a scientist, a genius, nor he hasn't done anything great other than acting. The speech was a bit "out there". But honestly, I took part of it to heart. Let's face it; he's a rich and successful celebrity worth tens of millions of dollars now with a nice Lincoln endorsement as well. Before he was "famous", he wasn't anyone. He even said his first movie gig paid him $375 a day, not exactly retirement money. He had a past with drugs and was becoming quickly typecast as a romantic comedy actor. He's had a really versatile career.

 

He told the college grads in his speech to "lose their sense of entitlement" and "life owes you nothing". You know what? He's got a point. Life doesn't owe us anything, and we aren't entitled to have anything in life. I think that would very much include love/romances as well. I shouldn't feel entitled to have a girlfriend and I shouldn't expect life to EVER send me one. In relation to the entitlement thing, well, I'm used to working hard and ultimately getting what I want in life. You know my work, my career, my ability to work from home; I worked hard for that. I actually failed classes in high school (I don't even know how I graduated) because I was spending all my time teaching myself computer programming. But it paid off. Eventually I got into college doing things I like to do and the work came along with it. People knew how serious I was and if I worked hard enough at it, I would get somewhere.

 

I feel like I can't do the same with finding love, which is very frustrating. It's like, the harder you try, the more you fail. You don't know what to do. And you know, WHY do I want someone? Well Batya33, you worded it well. I would like a LTR or eventual marriage. That's actually exactly what I want. Honestly, my friends would confine to this, I'm just an extremely romantic guy. I was always a firm believer that "love conquers all". I always loved women and wanted to be with one, I always pictured myself getting married and having kids some day. Is that such a bad dream to have and goal to work towards? And you know what else? My home growing up, even to this day, my dad treats my mother like ****, he's an alcoholic for life. I always said to myself that, one day, I want to find someone and do everything my dad never did for my mother, and raise a family without violence/alcohol/constant arguing/screaming.

 

But that is that. As for "throwing in the towel", well, it's definitely feeling like it's coming to that. I just don't know or feel this is worth pursuing anymore.

[Batya33]

" Life doesn't owe us anything, and we aren't entitled to have anything in life. I think that would very much include love/romances as well. I shouldn't feel entitled to have a girlfriend and I shouldn't expect life to EVER send me one. In relation to the entitlement thing, well, I'm used to working hard and ultimately getting what I want in life. You know my work, my career, my ability to work from home; I worked hard for that. I actually failed classes in high school (I don't even know how I graduated) because I was spending all my time teaching myself computer programming. But it paid off. Eventually I got into college doing things I like to do and the work came along with it. People knew how serious I was and if I worked hard enough at it, I would get somewhere.

 

I feel like I can't do the same with finding love, which is very frustrating. It's like, the harder you try, the more you fail. "

 

Agree with the first part but not with the second since you seem to have a negative attitude and that will permeate/infect your "trying".

 

Don't date online -use dating sites as one of several ways to make connections with people you are getting to know in real life.

 

Being an extremely romantic guy -nothing wrong with that. Be an extremely positive and proactive guy too. Negativity kills romance.

[musicman777]

" Life doesn't owe us anything, and we aren't entitled to have anything in life. I think that would very much include love/romances as well. I shouldn't feel entitled to have a girlfriend and I shouldn't expect life to EVER send me one. In relation to the entitlement thing, well, I'm used to working hard and ultimately getting what I want in life. You know my work, my career, my ability to work from home; I worked hard for that. I actually failed classes in high school (I don't even know how I graduated) because I was spending all my time teaching myself computer programming. But it paid off. Eventually I got into college doing things I like to do and the work came along with it. People knew how serious I was and if I worked hard enough at it, I would get somewhere.

 

I feel like I can't do the same with finding love, which is very frustrating. It's like, the harder you try, the more you fail. "

 

Agree with the first part but not with the second since you seem to have a negative attitude and that will permeate/infect your "trying".

 

Don't date online -use dating sites as one of several ways to make connections with people you are getting to know in real life.

 

Being an extremely romantic guy -nothing wrong with that. Be an extremely positive and proactive guy too. Negativity kills romance.

 

Hi Batya,

I appreciate your advice in both your replies as everyone else. I think you have some really practical dating advice. I really like that story how your friend met a guy on valentines day evening, that is really nice.

 

I try not to be negative, it's not so bad in person. One thing on these forums especially is it is an easy place to "vent". I'd rather take my frustration/anger on here than keep it bottled up inside for the wrong time/person. I think I am feeling a lot better today to say the least. Valentines day always brings out unfortunately the worst in me. Even trying to avoid it, you see it all over the television and internet. Every time that holiday comes up it's just a massive slap in the face to me; it's like this annoying spirit that follows you around all day, "hey loser! It's me again, Valentines day! Just here to remind YOU that you're still single!!! Hahahaha suck it! See you again next year b***h!" I know I know, some people make it to to show appreciate for others, eg. family, even pets. But let's face it; it's ultimately a holiday geared towards showing appreciate towards romantic partners.

[Sportster2005]

No one should chase anyone and people should date in real life -not on line - great if the first contact is on line - but then meet and date in person. I never wanted to meet anyone who would think he needed to "chase" -let alone chase a stranger.

 

If you value yourself as a person and value your goal of eventual marriage (or an LTR) then do all you can to meet compatible people. That is not meant as "be desperate" or "settle" -the opposite - invest your precious free time into activities and events where you meet people -whether they are people who you have things in common with and who might be able to introduce you to potentially good matches or single women who you might be compatible with.

 

11 years ago today a friend of mine in her 30s went to do her laundry in her building's laundromat on a rainy Valentine's night. She ended up marrying the cute guy who had the same idea that night. She'd been engaged to a guy she met online and he had ended things a year or so earlier - so imagine that kind of heartbreak.

 

That same Valentine's night I was on a fourth date with a guy I'd met online (and about 2 blocks from my friend's building, ironically) - it was very romantic (although not sexual) and sweet of him and he never called again despite the lovely evening. I started dating my future husband 6 months later, at age 39. You never know - unless you go with this negative comfort zone, these excuses, the cop-out - then you will definitely know that you're most likely not going to meet anyone. No guarantees but throwing in the towel is a sad guarantee.

 

+1

 

Awesome post.