I Lose Interest Rapidly. Every Time. It's Making Me Miserable

[misestopieces]

No matter how intensely I want to be with someone, my interest in them lasts no longer than three weeks.

 

I have been through a few dozen relationships at this point. So I've had plenty of chances to test this time limit. It starts right after the first sexual encounter. Even if I am almost as excited about a partner after that, without fail my interest will still degrade so that well before the month is over I am looking for new pastures.

 

You may be thinking that I go into these things full of lies about devotion in order to get to the sex. There has been a little of that. But seriously, even when I meant it at the time, my interest still faded.

 

I didn't have much (any!) success dating till my mid-30s when I went through some drastic physical and emotional changes. I bulked up, got a "cool" career, and my confidence and outlook drastically improved. (In fact, my first post here was at the beginning of that period about five years ago when I had a shot with a beautiful woman and screwed it up by being too needy).

 

I wonder if I have been subconsciously been looking to rack up numbers. So even though I don't mean to be a jerk, I still ending up hurting women, most of whom have been looking for something lasting. Hell, I've even gone crawling back to a couple of my former partners and still wanted back out just a few weeks later!

 

Maybe my earlier, lonely and luckless period in life has primed me to be this way. Maybe I'm damaged and now wired to seek new experiences to compensate for how poorly I used to do in the realms of sex and relationships.

 

I'd like it to stop now. I've actually slowed my roll on the dating front because I'm sick of letting people down. It helps that I'm getting older and not so driven by my dwindling testosterone levels to procure sex.

 

While I don't want to hurt anyone, I would also love it if I could rewire myself to stay excited about a partner and be devoted. Is there any way to do that?

[mhowe]

It isn't subconscious at all. You are very conscious of it and k ow you are doing it.

 

Slow your role even further and don't have sex for the first 2 months. Get to know the person. Build interest and rapport. The dance of love is about the mystery...not bumping uglies in three weeks.

 

Read about seduction and learn how to actually date. Be interesting and interested.

[misestopieces]

It isn't subconscious at all. You are very conscious of it and k ow you are doing it.

 

Slow your role even further and don't have sex for the first 2 months. Get to know the person. Build interest and rapport. The dance of love is about the mystery...not bumping uglies in three weeks.

 

Read about seduction and learn how to actually date. Be interesting and interested.

 

The interest is gone after three weeks. The uglies get bumped no later than the third date. Any longer than that and the odds or their being mutual attraction seem pretty small.

 

I appreciate getting responses. But this advice comes off as a little curt and anachronistic.

 

More honesty: I suspect that I may be incapable of changing. And I think part of it is a discomfort with myself and with the idea of being the object of someone's deep affections. In fact, it's usually around the time that women start showing signs of deeper connection that I want to skedaddle. If they keep it shallow and fun, then I have no problem sticking around. But that never lasts.

[mhowe]

If you incapable of changing...then there's nothing to be done.

 

The advice isn't anachronistic. You will never make it into a woman's heart in 3 weeks just because you've gotten in her pants.

 

If you like it fun and casual...then simply keep at it. Relationships take effort.

[Krankor]

There may be some deep-seated reason why this keeps happening, as you say. If you really don't like this about yourself, maybe trying some therapy to get to the bottom of it or to help change your thinking and patterns would be helpful.

 

Otherwise, maybe just accept that this is who you are and go find like-minded women who want hook ups but don't want to date or get into relationships, because you and I both know that it's not fair or nice to play with people's emotions when you know you aren't looking for anything serious.

[Sportster2005]

It's probably sex. You get infatuated and horny, mistake that for attraction and interest and then budda boom budda bing, your'e out of there.

 

I just don't have sex with someone until I'm absolutely sure. Even if it takes a few weeks or months. There's no rush. And if they rush just tell them you want to be sure. If they insist, tell them they've been warned, and make happy.

 

I don't think you're situation is complex or unique. You have to learn to think better with your big head instead of your little head.

[RainyCoast]

Captain Askhole speaking:

 

who were the people in your life who hurt, disappointed, criticized and abandoned you? what statements about you or themselves did they make to justify that and how did these losses affect what you think and feel about yourself and others?

 

how were you as a child? impulsive, spiteful, silently compliant?

before you chicken out what is it that you hope to get out of the connection with a woman that seems absent after three weeks?

what were the factors that undermined your self-esteem to the point you had to compensate by bulking up and springing up the career ladder? had you not "manned up", how do you think you would have been perceived and treated by others?

 

 

forgive the MissInTherapyForLife style questions but i agree you're conscious of the problem and already probing into the underlying causes so why not examine them, right.

[RainyCoast]

It's probably sex

or maybe it's that simple. i have this incredible urge to match everything to the DSM guide

[heartnsoul]

All relationships have phases..... the honey moon phase.... can last days , weeks even months but it will end. Yes these hormones are strong , give you that high/in love feeling and then crash, leaving you without the rose coloured glasses. Get to know the PERSON then when the hormones go youve still got an attraction/connection to build on.

[greta96]

You may be addicted to the chase, to the rush of the conquest, in which case you can either get thee to a professional to explore the roots of this behavior, or you keep doing what you've been doing, although a fair warning to the women you meet, that you are just looking for casual sex, would be much appreciated.

[annie24]

I agree that maybe it's better to table the physical side until you really get to know her and like who she is as a person and enjoy spending time with her. That way you know it's her you like and not just the pursuit of sex.

[Sportster2005]

or maybe it's that simple. i have this incredible urge to match everything to the DSM guide

 

Every time I read the DSM I come away with a different self diagnoses. I gave it up for ENA.

[Ms Darcy]

I agree with Sportster. At the very least, trying a different behavior can either prove or disprove that theory.

[James516]

Typically a pattern of leaving after a short time is the sign of a person who runs before they feel they will be shown as a fraud. In other words, you may have changed your outward appearance and show outward confidence, but inside you are still feeling that you are that awkward person who was "luckless" with women for most of your life.

 

Right now you have learned how to outwardly attract women which probably is nearly a formula by now. Formulas are easy to maintain and don't require feeling. And with the first few weeks of success, you can maintain the story of many women liking you but then you leave from a lack of interest. I would guess it would be devastating to you if you stuck around long enough for them instead to grow tired of you and leave. That would reinforce that despite any outward changes, you are still that awkward person who fails with women. It doesn't appear you can face that possibility at this point.

 

One month of dating is not a "relationship." These women are not damaged by a month of dating. If anything, it may help them learn to take their time to see if the person they are dating actually has it together.

 

Your posts doesn't show any strong indication that you will change. This is probably how your life will be for a while - instead of the solo loneliness of your 20's, you now have dating loneliness.

[Ms Darcy]

or maybe it's that simple. i have this incredible urge to match everything to the DSM guide

 

Resist the urge!