Infidelity x2 - 13 years - Next Chapter?

[changeiscoming]

Hi everyone I am new to this forum and thought I would join since my life has been falling apart. There's no one I can really turn to anymore for good advice because all friends, family are strongly opinionated it would be nice to get an outside perspective. I've been together with my girlfriend for 13 years, yes girlfriend. I know I get it a lot why I have not proposed! I met her at 19 years old she was 20 as you can imagine we grew up learning a lot about relationships and ourselves. The common jealousies and habits for lust that guys make at 19 to 25, girls loved me and yes I cheated twice during 19 to 25. First time on a guys trip when one friend brought someone back to our hotel and she was interested in myself and another time in a similar situation at a friends house. I came clean basically the next day because I truly felt bad for my impulsive behavior and worked many years to repair the damages I had done. In a way I felt I got it out my system able to be a young guy and behave recklessly. Oh how I wish I could have used my mature brain now.

 

 

The damage was done I spent my 20's basically codependent with my girlfriend who stayed with me. The last time I've given her any reason to worry was early 20's I can only remember the last time I cheated being maybe at 24 or 25. I am now 32.... Basically I worked years to repair us she said she forgave me and I thought being honest was the best policy. I've never bent the truth about what I did in fact I came the next day as I said and came clean. Mind you because I was until 25 I hadn't moved out and she was living alone I wasn't ready for a full time girlfriend but at the same time didn't want to let her go and I was clear about this and she decided to stay.

 

 

Well at 28 she cheated on me with a random person she met on facebook. I was torn to pieces but gathered myself up quite quickly because that's what I get right? I did it twice what kind of person would I be if I left her after the chances I've received and the situations I put her through. So I told her I understand where she's coming from between me not making a commitment and cheating on her i'd probably have done the same thing. But why years later after she forgave me? And the thing that stung was she had no intentions of telling me EVER! I am more worried about disease, and the honesty part. Regardless like I said I manned up and let it go... her reasons for not telling me were fear of me leaving and just fear I would accept it. Heart broken and self esteem issues I kept on moving forward even brought her roses like some stupid idiot for cheating on me so she realizes I understand her pain as a result of what I had done. I apologized several times and told her again and again I was growing up and being an idiot immature kid. Well after this incident she stopped sleeping with me and said she didn't feel the same now to sleep with me after what she had done. I didn't make a big deal of it....

 

 

I thought it was time to show her how much I cared and in a bit of insecurity it was time to move in. My original reason for not moving in is the fact she isn't ambitious, she barely gets by and she was very clingy to me as a young guy I was hesitant what I wanted. I guess 5 or 6 years later of not making a serious commitment took it's toll so you can imagine why I quickly forgave her for cheating. So we moved in months after she cheated the first time, no sex, living life it seemed like it was going well. Today I realize it wasn't because we covered up the pain instead of knowing how to communicate and truly deal with infidelity on both ends. So remember this she cheated when she was 28! From there on in we moved together we've been fairly happy and I've made it know I wanted kids with her, family, marriage several times but never got a real response from her about these matters. It was always something like I'm not ready for kids, marriage would be nice one day etc etc...

 

 

I'm now 32 and she's 33 a few months ago she cheated again with someone off tinder. 1st off I was super upset because I've been helping her with all her statements and was oblivious to the fact she put a lock on her cell and also moved her statements to her email. Did I mention still no sex? I've gone almost 4 years without any physical touch of any sort in fact she pushed me away. I've worked so hard while being punished to rebuild our relationship, I've literally been someone's b#%th I did all the cooking almost, all the chores, I do it all imagine a house man wife lol ....

 

 

Again she wasn't planning on telling me she cheated after I busted her. She only got busted this time coming home with a dam hickhey on her neck and upon site she said it's a pimple like I was an idiot. Weeks she went on about this pimple until one day I broke her spirit and she confessed. Again the lies and mistrust if she had come clean maybe we can work on something right? Not only this she's been calling guys that I texted back or called back to find out who they were. All random guys off tinder sometimes she would go out with her friends and sleep over places but after checking her phone bill she's been calling guys at 1 am in the morning when I ask her who needs to call guys at 1 am she said just to chat? are you kidding me. She say's I have no idea what i'm talking about people can just talk at 1 am. She must think I'm stupid right.

 

 

Some guys I've texted back joke around that she owes them sexual favors and when I confronted her she say's that's how they talk and it was just a joke. And about the calls at 1 am she said it's just harmless calls, I don't think I will never know the truth. Everything I've found out now has been through my detective work and spying and interrogation. When I ask her why she didn't tell me, " I don't know " i'm scared, I was bored, I didn't recover from the times you cheated on me.

 

 

I'm devastated and believe it or not I was willing to try again! I only had a few conditions honesty about everything, phone passwords gone, no more sleeping over at anyone's house no matter what, and going to get checked for STDS. The phone password thing worked for a while but honesty I don't think ever really came, STD tests never came, not like we are sleeping together anyways after 4 years not sleeping with her she runs off to another man devastated me because I've been working like Cinderella man to prove I was wrong and understood her pain.

 

 

So I've decided to leave my world is torn, I've gone counselling, I've spoken to friends everyone tells me to leave. I'm blinded by my attachment and love for her and she's worthless. I can't get over what I did but I realize it's not a score board here. Even when I try to stay i'm dying inside from images and torn to pieces about our future. I want to leave and another part of me cannot let go.... I'm still living with her this cheating occurred in may 2015 and now it's Jan 2016 each moment between then I feel like my life is miserable. Everyone tells me i'm 32 and young and can find better loving relationships to cut my losses and move on. Should I move on or am I wrong for not giving the same chances? I believe I am not wrong because I came the next day from cheating and confessed and apologized and begged. She on the other hand had no intention of ever telling me both times I caught her were from my own intuition besides the dam marks on her body the 2nd time!!!!!! I don't think I can ever touch her especially after 4 years of not touching and now she decides to touch someone else. What a waste of time I feel like...

 

 

Thanks to anyone who read this entire novel. I know my grammar and spelling must be terrible because i'm boiling I wish I could narrate the entire life story. Even my counsellor is tired of me whining and told me sooner or later somethings going to give if you cannot decide so he's basically told me to stop whining that's how I feel lol... I think I've just been so attached to her I've lost my self esteem and confidence to move on, I've given up on myself I know the right thing is to walk and my core is telling me and I am planning on that but something is also telling me to stay. However if she's willing to not tell me what could happen if I am married to this women, have kids and she does this an I never know? Am I risking disease am I risking my life? I know that's the most extreme but what am I doing. Take me away from my hell!

[Andrina]

The human brain is fully formed by about age 25. She's an adult now, so what you see is what you get. A woman who freely cheats. At this point, what you did in the past is irrelevant and it doesn't even things out. You will not get closure from this toxic relationship until you go no contact. Move away from this woman. She has no interest in building a beautiful life with you. Delete all photos. Tell her not to contact you for your own emotional health. Yes, you will mourn the relationship for quite some time, which is an important step in healing. Only with time and distance will you be able to heal and move on.

 

Continue with therapy. Read books on getting emotionally healthy after a break-up. Work on yourself and self esteem so that in the future, you'll be choosing a healthy partner and be able to recognize what that is. Take care.

[starlight89]

She is not in love with you, never forgave you and is punishing you now.

 

What a waste of 13 years! Get out now and stop wasting your life on something that was never working

[HeartGoesOn]

Infidelity x2 - 13 years - Next Chapter?

 

Same as the first...

[Hollyj]

What a toxic, mixed up situation. Get more counseling.

 

End this and move on with your life.

[changeiscoming]

Thank you - Andrina, starlight89, heartgoeson & hollyj.... I hope one day I'll be posting back on this forum good news! Appreciate your viewpoints...

 

Seems like everyone's telling me the same.... good thing is I still have hope some where inside of me.

[changeiscoming]

still working on leaving it's been a difficult situation. I think i'm codependent yikes!

[confusedlover1]

maybe couples therapy? sit down and seriously ask yourselves if you can both CHANGE. My boyfrined has cheated on me three times and i have still not given up hope that he will change (pathetic i know) but 13 years is a long time. Fresh start? might be a good idea! go ut on dates maybe a trip and def couples therapy. Then maybe down the road marriage. if you both spend enough time making sure one can change.

[changeiscoming]

She refuses to go to counselling because she doesn't believe in it. I've attempted to give her the benefit of the doubt but my world is poisoned now. All the love is slowly infested with thoughts and resentment... I'm basically working on letting go now.

 

1 year is almost coming up since I was cheated (may 18) and emotions are all over. The only good is that I've awaken to my own self I was so absorbed by this relationship. Love does make one blind for sure.

[overthemoon86]

Dude, this story is so sad...like I am having a hard time comprehending it...there is so much mistrust and animosity, that is not being in a happy healthy relationship is about. I would never want this.

 

Please do yourself a favor, this is your life and you deserve to be happy. This woman is no good, no good at all. She lies to your face, deceitful, and is SEEKING out men. Like that is disgusting behavior in a committed relationship. Therefore, she is not committed to you, does not respect you, and I hate to say it, she does not love you. This is not love. I refuse to believe that there is any love left in this relationship. So you need to end this.

 

Really you need to end this for both of your sakes. She is cheating on, probably still cheating on you, with who knows how many men that she is finding on tinder...and there is zero intimacy in your relationship. She is choosing them over you. Come on, you deserve better than that.

 

I really hope you post an update that you have ended the relationship soon.

[changeiscoming]

She said she was scared that I wanted kids so she cheated? I just stood there wondering what kind of relationship someone cheats instead of just stating they fear kids and don't want it. Maybe I was to pushy, she has me questioning my behavior. I still want to leave but she makes me feel terrible. So I come back to this site hoping to see others pain and remember what I went through twice.

 

I did find an apartment that's when she broke down and told me the above. When I originally found out she was bored with us, then it turned into I was confused about what I wanted in life. It's always something. The good news is that i'm rebuilding my confidence slowly however the grip of our history is strong. I want to leave and another half of me tells me to stay.... I should have left when I was enraged it would have been so much easier. I hate watching someone beg, once in a while I come read the posts and replies here and they give me the motivation to continue.

 

Thank you all for your support... I hope to reply back one day that I have left and be an example for others. There's a lot I post for others that I haven't done for myself yet in some strange way I guess i'm speaking to myself. I hope to god I never have to go through this experience again

 

 

Dude, this story is so sad...like I am having a hard time comprehending it...there is so much mistrust and animosity, that is not being in a happy healthy relationship is about. I would never want this.

 

Please do yourself a favor, this is your life and you deserve to be happy. This woman is no good, no good at all. She lies to your face, deceitful, and is SEEKING out men. Like that is disgusting behavior in a committed relationship. Therefore, she is not committed to you, does not respect you, and I hate to say it, she does not love you. This is not love. I refuse to believe that there is any love left in this relationship. So you need to end this.

 

Really you need to end this for both of your sakes. She is cheating on, probably still cheating on you, with who knows how many men that she is finding on tinder...and there is zero intimacy in your relationship. She is choosing them over you. Come on, you deserve better than that.

 

I really hope you post an update that you have ended the relationship soon.

[ThatwasThen]

still working on leaving it's been a difficult situation. I think i'm codependent yikes!

You think?

 

Dude, Google for a codependents anonymous meeting near you and get yourself to it and find a therapist that is proficient in the subject or you will become codependent with your therapist as well.

[overthemoon86]

This woman is so manipulative, she is blaming you for her cheating???! I wish you could see how destructive her behavior is and she is still making you take the blame. You need to be strong and not tolerate this treatment. You need to break up with her and be done. That is the only option I see at this point.

[ThatwasThen]

Its he who is allowing her manipulation. They are not in love they are in a codependent addiction to one another and I doubt no matter what we say about leaving her, he'll be able to actually do it until he gets a therapist that knows about codependency and just doesn't give him lip service.

 

Op: DO read up on codependency. In particular, read anything you can get your hands on by Melody Beatie who writes the bibles(s) on codependency. If you're not going to leave one another the least you can do for yourself is learn how to cope and accept without trying to control or allow yourself to be controlled. You sorely lack personal boundaries which has ended you up with each other. Even if you leave her, if you don't work on the codependency, you will end up in something very similar with the next woman that peaks your interest.

 

Did you have alcoholic parents or did you suffer neglect or abuse of any kind during your upbringing? If you did, it would explain why you allow this for yourself.

[Itsme2033]

There is no possibility of fixing this relationship. She is a broken person, but you are a broken person too. No person who is not broken would have stayed with her the last four years with no sex, then after she cheated still stayed. The thing about life is, you can only fix yourself, you can't fix other people. So let's talk about fixing you. First I want to strongly recommend that you continue counseling, and perhaps even find another counselor. I don't think the one you are seeing is very good.

 

You need to move out of that house and move on with your life. You should avoid any dating relationship for at least a few years. You should work on improving yourself by going to the gym, becoming involved with activities and hobbies, and either spend time with your current friends or make new friends.

 

You should also try to imagine that you are on this forum and you see someone post a story like this. Think about how you would respond. Would you tell that person to leave the girl? If you would then you know it's what you need to do, and you need to ultimately understand why it has been so hard for you to leave her. But you don't need to understand why you've stayed just in order to be able to leave, you can figure that out later.

 

Please keep posting on this board to get the support and encouragement that you need, but please move out on your own. As soon as you can.

 

She is manipulating you. That BS about she cheated because she thought you wanted to have a child is truly unbelievable.

 

You can't go back and change anything in your past. You can't keep yourself from having cheated, and you can't change the fact that you cheated, or the fact that you let her treat you like dirt. But you have total control of the rest of your life from this moment forward. If you choose to stay with her, then the reason that you will be in this situation tomorrow is because you want to be in this situation, not because anyone cheated on anyone. Why would you want to be in this situation?

 

Please put an end to letting her manipulate you. Move out and move on with your life.

[changeiscoming]

The good thing is I've learned that I am codependent through this terrible experience. As I read more about codependency I realize a lot more and gain more confidence resolving my issues. I'm not swaying back and forth between my intentions of staying or leaving I know the right thing to do is to leave.

 

I also learned where this all stems from and you are right I've had a tough upbringing; my parents despised each other its normal to see physical fights; police and dad was often working all day long and mom was the only one home but when they were together it was toxic. My sister and I were always told to choose which parent we wanted to leave or live with and neither of them would leave each other. Many times my mother would attempt suicide and it was very scary to be in my house hold it never really improved the dynamics kind of changed when I met my girlfriend as I left the house and my parents became older and physically they just don't have it in them.

 

I plan to further work on my issues as soon as I can resolve this relationship and find a place to move. Unfortunately I live in one of the most expensive places; Vancouver, BC and rent for a 1 bedroom - 600 SQ FT is about 1200$. Long story short I am still working on my situation but everyday i'm searching for rentals and going to view them.

 

 

Its he who is allowing her manipulation. They are not in love they are in a codependent addiction to one another and I doubt no matter what we say about leaving her, he'll be able to actually do it until he gets a therapist that knows about codependency and just doesn't give him lip service.

 

Op: DO read up on codependency. In particular, read anything you can get your hands on by Melody Beatie who writes the bibles(s) on codependency. If you're not going to leave one another the least you can do for yourself is learn how to cope and accept without trying to control or allow yourself to be controlled. You sorely lack personal boundaries which has ended you up with each other. Even if you leave her, if you don't work on the codependency, you will end up in something very similar with the next woman that peaks your interest.

 

Did you have alcoholic parents or did you suffer neglect or abuse of any kind during your upbringing? If you did, it would explain why you allow this for yourself.

[changeiscoming]

Thank you! All these posts help me more then anyone realizes.

 

There is no possibility of fixing this relationship. She is a broken person, but you are a broken person too. No person who is not broken would have stayed with her the last four years with no sex, then after she cheated still stayed. The thing about life is, you can only fix yourself, you can't fix other people. So let's talk about fixing you. First I want to strongly recommend that you continue counseling, and perhaps even find another counselor. I don't think the one you are seeing is very good.

 

You need to move out of that house and move on with your life. You should avoid any dating relationship for at least a few years. You should work on improving yourself by going to the gym, becoming involved with activities and hobbies, and either spend time with your current friends or make new friends.

 

You should also try to imagine that you are on this forum and you see someone post a story like this. Think about how you would respond. Would you tell that person to leave the girl? If you would then you know it's what you need to do, and you need to ultimately understand why it has been so hard for you to leave her. But you don't need to understand why you've stayed just in order to be able to leave, you can figure that out later.

 

Please keep posting on this board to get the support and encouragement that you need, but please move out on your own. As soon as you can.

 

She is manipulating you. That BS about she cheated because she thought you wanted to have a child is truly unbelievable.

 

You can't go back and change anything in your past. You can't keep yourself from having cheated, and you can't change the fact that you cheated, or the fact that you let her treat you like dirt. But you have total control of the rest of your life from this moment forward. If you choose to stay with her, then the reason that you will be in this situation tomorrow is because you want to be in this situation, not because anyone cheated on anyone. Why would you want to be in this situation?

 

Please put an end to letting her manipulate you. Move out and move on with your life.

[Lester]

Money is nothing compared to lost time.

Once you get your head out this maze make a pledge to yourself not to repeat the same mistakes.

 

How to do it:

1. Think about why you wasted so much time and then face it. Was it because it was easy to live day to day, without plans/goals for a the future?

2. Do not date for at least six months. Live alone and learn to rely on yourself. (A rebound for you will be your own death knell.)

3. Once self-reliant and you think you want to date, ask yourself why? Answer this question truthfully.

 

Good luck!

[changeiscoming]

Today I am going to sign a lease to move out. I had to notify my ' GF ' that i'm finally leaving. She knew it was coming but probably didn't expect me to go through with it... I'm nervous and have so much doubt but I realize it's the best thing for both of us. She's heart broken and is very upset with me... She said she will never speak to me as a friend no matter how much time goes by. I'm not expecting anything but after 14 years together this April 22nd I figured maybe we can salvage a friendship if our relationship didn't work but she refuses. So I said that's fine I don't want to push on anything considering what i'm going through myself.

 

I'm having anxienty today and wondering all sorts of things if the place I choose was good, is it to far as I decided to move 75 miles away from where I currently live and away from work because I wanted to be near no one and restart my life. Maybe i'm over thinking...

 

Thanks again for all the support who's gotten me here let's hope I can muster the strength to pass on that void chq today at 6 pm.

[shessofly]

Today I am going to sign a lease to move out. I had to notify my ' GF ' that i'm finally leaving. She knew it was coming but probably didn't expect me to go through with it... I'm nervous and have so much doubt but I realize it's the best thing for both of us. She's heart broken and is very upset with me... She said she will never speak to me as a friend no matter how much time goes by. I'm not expecting anything but after 14 years together this April 22nd I figured maybe we can salvage a friendship if our relationship didn't work but she refuses. So I said that's fine I don't want to push on anything considering what i'm going through myself.

 

I'm having anxienty today and wondering all sorts of things if the place I choose was good, is it to far as I decided to move 75 miles away from where I currently live and away from work because I wanted to be near no one and restart my life. Maybe i'm over thinking...

 

Thanks again for all the support who's gotten me here let's hope I can muster the strength to pass on that void chq today at 6 pm.

 

Ignore her, it's just another attempt to manipulate you so she gets her way. You are doing the right thing. Stay strong. You will get through this. A new start - how exciting for you!

[changeiscoming]

Yesterday was a terrible day! At 4:30 after work I came home to change and go give the deposit. You may imagine what occurred next she begged, pleaded; the snot the tears... It enraged me and at the same time my empathy kicked into high gear. In-between this argument I left but at the same time I came back.

 

I didn't go through with it because I felt terrible for her and pleaded she would do anything that I had previously requested her to do in order for us to try to move on. I know I will look like a fool many people today are going to say the same thing because I told many people that evening was the night I would finally have the strength to move. I guess it wasn't my time... The realtor is pissed off with my indecisiveness.

 

I feel low today that I didn't not go through with it. I don't feel hopeful and now I see what others have said about codependency.

I know I should be going but why can't I get passed her tears. I am heavily thinking today to beg the realtor but have guilt either way i'm messed up.

 

trapped in my own mind.

[Lester]

From time to time hard decisions have to be made.

Many times I answer the hard ones by asking myself every possible question I can think of.

 

The exercise is done in your favorite thinking place, by yourself.

 

Some examples as they pertain to you.

- Was it meant to be?

- Would I propose to her today?

- If not, then when?

- If never, then why?

etc.

 

Even seemly ridiculous questions can uncover a serious questions you are overlooking.

[changeiscoming]

So hard people! So hard... !!!!!!! Everyone has great advice it's just hard getting off the path I've been travelling. Now my girlfriend realizes how much I want to leave and feels that I don't love her and admits I should leave. I'm torn to pieces; now I have the chance to leave the door is open. Why am I hesitating to put my foot through the door!

 

Billions of people on this planet and I feel like if I leave this one person the world is over.

 

 

[shessofly]

She is a master manipulator. I hope you find your strength...

[changeiscoming]

Still working on this ... There was a reason I was going to move out, there was a reason I had my foot out the door. I'm moving slowly but my feelings to do what's right for me are stronger then ever. I choose my user name for the feeling I had within me; " Changeiscoming"

 

I'm currently in counselling to deal with codependency meanwhile I am still at the residents with her. Things are somber, she thinks she can change how I feel but meanwhile I'm doing my thing; saving up, planning counselling and being honest with her my intentions to leave once again. I think in due time she will see my heart is not in this anymore.

 

Toxic for sure sitting here and wasting my life away but I need to deal with codependency it seems to be strong and confident to not be dragged back into this by her tears.

 

This forum has been very helpful...