I'm falling for my FWB - what do I do?

[Quasi]

I'm in a difficult and unanticipated spot here and I feel like I could really use some advice, especially from a female perspective. Maybe I also just need to talk it out a bit. . .

 

I'm a 41 year old guy, and she's a 30 year old woman. Both of us with some past relationship problems; both of our last long-term relationships fizzled out due to lack of passion. We met online and then met up with the express purpose of finding a FWB. So that was the expectation at the outset for both of us, and we don't have a pre-existing friendship in this case. It was just important to me to have some level of personal connection and I was always hoping for something a little bit more than just a casual hook-up. After hanging out a few times and talking quite a bit, we did end up 'taking the plunge', so to speak. Even though were both a bit nervous, we had a great time. It's now been about 4 months and we get along really well, both in and out of bed, and I truly do consider her a friend too.

 

Now, at the beginning, we would sometimes talk about how hard dating is and the relationship difficulties we've had in the past. We were just enjoying each other's company and there wasn't any more to it. But over time that sort of talk has faded away and we would mainly talk about shared interests or whatever came to mind. It seemed like our communication was getting more personal and affectionate. From the beginning, she would tell me how much fun she was having in bed with me (and I told her the same thing, truthfully!). But then more recently, we've said things about missing each other when we're not there, or talking about doing things in the future together. She told me once she was having lunch with a work friend at the place we had gone to, and that she was thinking of me the whole time she was there. She texted me from the lingerie store and asked me what I liked, so she could wear it for me. It was a thrill for me, and really made me feel wanted and sort of special. I've been missing that feeling for a long time! She's the only woman in my whole life who ever asked me anything like that, believe it or not. She really lit up when I told her that getting a message from her during the day made me smile. There's more, but the point is, we were getting closer and I really started to feel something more between us than just a friendship. And it seemed like she was feeling that too.

 

Now, part of the reason she had decided to try this route rather than conventional dating is that she is planning to move cross-country later this year. So it was always in my head that this would be a time-limited thing. That didn't bother me at first, but it does now! And she told me a few weeks ago that I would make it hard for her to move away too. Even then, I didn't quite realize how much my feelings had developed. I guess I've just been in denial and sort-of suppressing things. But it finally came to a head for me a few days ago.

 

She was going to be leaving on a family trip for a couple of weeks, and due to the confluence of some work and personal stuff, I had realized that after she got back, I wouldn't be able to see her as often for a while. We'd been seeing each other at least once a week all along, and I wouldn't be available except for maybe once a month for a couple of months. Now, this made me sad, but I wanted to tell her before she left on her trip. She has some self-esteem issues too, so I wanted to make sure she didn't think I was 'retaliating' for her not being around for a couple of weeks, or that I was losing interest in seeing her. So I told her why I wouldn't be able to get together as much for a while, that I would miss her, and that I wanted to at least keep in touch as much as we could until we could be together again. She readily agreed! But then later on she said something about this guy she knows that likes her and that she might see him some too.

 

It was sort of a delayed reaction, but that devastated me. I don't think she said it to be cruel or anything, maybe just a bit careless. I know I have no claim to her and no reason to expect exclusivity or anything, give the parameters of our relationship. But it still bothered me greatly. I'm not normally a possessive type, in fact I would be fine with having a "monogam-ish" relationship even. But I still want to have someone special, and to be special to someone. To be sort of foremost in someone's mind when it comes to romance and sexual expression. So it took some introspection for me to realize that what was really bothering me was that she has given me this taste of feeling that way, and that if I knew she was with someone else too, I would feel that was no longer the case. I tried to tell myself that it would just be a pragmatic thing, she's just getting her needs met after all! But the truth is, I don't have any other prospects at all and I'm not even sure I want any. I want more with her, not less. . . Sure I want more of the great sex, but I also want to go for walks with her, put together furniture with her, just spend time with her.

 

It's not what either of us were signing up for and there are some obstacles in the way of longer-term potential, but I feel like I'm falling for her hard. But I'm confused too. I thought I was reading her signals the same way, but maybe not. So there's a bunch of emotions all mixed in together for me, including some jealousy. I'm really a wreck right now. I talking listening-to-80's-hair-band-power-ballads level of depression! I just don't know what to do and say. It'll be a couple of weeks before I can even have a face-to-face conversation with her, so I've got plenty of time to stew over this. . . I feel like I have to tell her how I feel about her. But if she doesn't feel that way about me, I think I will have to stop seeing her altogether. I would miss her terribly, but being with her while bottling up those feelings would get very painful.

 

Has anyone been in a similar situation before? How should I approach "the conversation" with her?

[DoF]

I'm pretty sure almost every single person that has been in a FWB relationship dealt with this. Now you see why in my eyes, FWB is one of the most unappealing relationships one can have.

 

You start off with SEX ONLY. What do you think happens when you have 2 members of opposite sex, with attraction spending time being intimate? Of course feelings will grow, that's how nature works.

 

And then you end up with 2 people that:

a) were NEVER good long term relationship materials

b) never intended to be in a relationship

 

Trying to be IN a relationship.

 

This is a perfect set up for a complete train wreck.

 

I strongly recommend to stay away from these kinds of relationship. Mostly because no human is beyond the power of nature. I don't care how strong you are and how much will power you have.

 

So my advice to you is to disengage from her all together and NEVER engage in such relationship or people that engage in such behavior.

 

Besides, sex without feelings is probably one of the most unappealing things I can think of.....just me though.

[lilygirl]

FWB's can work, but they can change when someone develops feelings, life happens, things change, it is nothing to be ashamed of. I would straight up tell her how you feel when see her again face to face. Straight up, no games, just tell tell her. Now that you have these feelings you can't go back to being just fwb, and trying to convince yourself you can if she is not interested in anything more than your current arrangement will leave you heartbroken. You do not want to be her "friend" if she is interested in others, you do not need to stick around for that.

 

And who knows, maybe she feels the same, time to put your cards on the table.

[DoF]

FWB's can work, but they can change when someone develops feelings,

 

As if "people are in control of their feelings"? Or some won't develop feelings?

 

Of course you will develop feelings for someone you are intimate with......it's human nature.

 

Humans are NOT above nature. NOTHING is, was or ever will be.

 

And who knows, maybe she feels the same, time to put your cards on the table.

 

And what? Possibly begin a relationship with someone that engages into these sort of relationships?

 

Set up for failure. And of course chances are HIGH she is doing it with other people.

 

Step 1 is STD test

Step 2 is disengage ASAP

[bulletproof]

How should I approach "the conversation" with her?

 

I think you should definitely be honest about how you feel. It can't hurt. At least then you'll know where you stand.

Maybe just approach it by stating that you're interested in a committed relationship with her. Then ask how she feels about that.

 

However, you did say that there are some "obstacles" in the way of long-term potential. If you feel those can't be overcome, then don't waste your time. And also be sure that before you speak with her, you are clear with yourself about whether you really want her or you're just jealous that she might be with others. Separate your ego from this as best you can.

 

I know of people who started off as FWB and continued on to relationships. It may not be the conventional route, but that doesn't mean it's impossible.

[bulletproof]

And what? Possibly begin a relationship with someone that engages into these sort of relationships?

 

The OP himself engages in "these sort of relationships." Not sure he's in a position to judge her for it.

[Quasi]

As if "people are in control of their feelings"? Or some won't develop feelings?

 

Of course you will develop feelings for someone you are intimate with......it's human nature.

 

Humans are NOT above nature. NOTHING is, was or ever will be.

 

No, people are not in control of their feelings, but it's also not a given that everyone will develop romantic feelings for someone they have sex with. Sure FWB relationships are not for everyone, and it's clear you don't really approve. That's fine. I've had a couple of FWBs in the past and everything worked out well. One I've lost touch with over the years, but we parted on good terms. The other, I'm still friends with. She lives in a different city and is in a happy relationship, so there's nothing else going on with us. But we had a good time and I think it was actually good for both of us at that time in our lives.

 

 

And what? Possibly begin a relationship with someone that engages into these sort of relationships?

 

Set up for failure. And of course chances are HIGH she is doing it with other people.

 

Step 1 is STD test

Step 2 is disengage ASAP

 

Well, she would be beginning a relationship "with someone that engages into these sort of relationships" too, wouldn't she? I don't see that as an automatic deal-breaker in itself. That would be awfully hypocritical of me. And no, I don't believe she's been seeing anyone else while we've been together. I have no reason to doubt her in that regard, and it's the prospect of that changing that set this all off for me. We were sort exclusive by default, and now I would like to be exclusive by mutual agreement.

 

FWB's can work, but they can change when someone develops feelings, life happens, things change, it is nothing to be ashamed of. I would straight up tell her how you feel when see her again face to face. Straight up, no games, just tell tell her. Now that you have these feelings you can't go back to being just fwb, and trying to convince yourself you can if she is not interested in anything more than your current arrangement will leave you heartbroken. You do not want to be her "friend" if she is interested in others, you do not need to stick around for that.

 

And who knows, maybe she feels the same, time to put your cards on the table.

 

Yes, I intend to just say it straight out. I've never been in a position where I was telling someone that I love them and wasn't already very sure they felt the same! It's a little scary. . . I see two possible outcomes: 1-She feels the same and all will be good (at least for now!) 2-She doesn't feel the same, or doesn't want more for us for some other reason. In the second case, I will definitely have to break off the FWB arrangement. Hopefully she will understand my reasoning.

 

Wish we could just have this conversation now, so that whatever the outcome, I can start moving forward and try to stop wallowing. It's gonna be a hard couple of weeks.

 

Ladies, what do you think about the few examples of the way we've been communicating? I've definitely said things to her that I never said, and wouldn't have said, to my past FWBs. It was always more lighthearted and casual with them. But I don't know, I could be misinterpreting. Would you say things like that to a FWB that you didn't have more feelings for?

[lilygirl]

Well DOF as someone who has been involved in a situation such as this, I was in control of my feelings because my friend was not the type of person that I usually get involved with. He was different then anyone I had ever dated or had been in a relationship with so I took a chance and it worked out just fine. We were good, good friends and it was a mutually beneficial and respectful arrangement. We were both adults and were both at a point in our lives where this arrangement worked for both of us. All good, no regrets!

 

So the op has enjoyed a nice arrangement and now he shouldn't pursue something more serious because she is someone who gets "...into these sort of relationships?" So does the op! Seems like a massive double standard there. And just because someone is involved in an fwb does not mean that they are sleeping around and not practicing safe sex.

[Quasi]

The OP himself engages in "these sort of relationships." Not sure he's in a position to judge her for it.

 

So the op has enjoyed a nice arrangement and now he shouldn't pursue something more serious because she is someone who gets "...into these sort of relationships?" So does the op! Seems like a bit of a double standard here, and just because someone is involved in an fwb does not mean that they are sleeping around and not practicing safe sex.

 

Seems like we were all making that point at about the same time!

[Blue Spiral]

Of course you will develop feelings for someone you are intimate with......it's human nature.

 

This must be further proof that I'm a velociraptor...

[lilygirl]

I would take baby steps here and not go in with the big "L" word when you do talk to your friend. I would tell her that your feelings have moved beyond your FWB situation, then check her reaction, see what she says and go from there. Good Luck! I really hope it goes the way you want it to.

[Ms Darcy]

I would let her know the next time you talk to her how you feel. Tell her the truth and be clear about what you want from her.

 

It will be up to her to say yay or nay.

 

No matter what, I think this signals that you are ready for a relationship at this point in your life so you might want to be mindful of that.

[Quasi]

 

Interesting. . . Let's call my friend Betty. My previous FWBs were also not my normal 'type', and I would have said Betty wasn't either. So I didn't really expect this, but nonetheless it has happened. I think it's a wake-up call for me though, that maybe I need to break away from my normal 'type' anyway because I haven't been as happy with my relationships as I would hope. Maybe part of my problem all long has been that I've been seeking out the wrong type for me! I think that seems to be pretty common in general; people think they know what they want, but what they want isn't whats actually good for them. Thus the long-standing trope of people who constantly choose partners who treat them badly.

 

And also be sure that before you speak with her, you are clear with yourself about whether you really want her or you're just jealous that she might be with others. Separate your ego from this as best you can.

 

Yes, absolutely true and critical. I've been thinking about that a lot the last couple of days, and I think I'm clear on it. Something that helped make this clear for me was her recently telling me about a serious illness she had suffered years ago. She's fine now, but it is an illness that can be terminal in some cases. My feelings on hearing about that were. . . deeper than I think it would be for a more casual friend.

 

I would tell her that your feelings have moved beyond your FWB situation, then check her reaction, see what she says and go from there. Good Luck! I really hope it goes the way you want it to.

 

Sounds like a plan!

 

No matter what, I think this signals that you are ready for a relationship at this point in your life so you might want to be mindful of that.

 

I think you're right. If this current situation does not go in that direction, I'll be taking some time away from any form of relationship for a while. Then moving forward with the goal of finding the right person for a more serious relationship.

 

Good points all, thank you.

[lilygirl]

Interesting. . . Let's call my friend Betty. My previous FWBs were also not my normal 'type', and I would have said Betty wasn't either. So I didn't really expect this, but nonetheless it has happened. I think it's a wake-up call for me though, that maybe I need to break away from my normal 'type' anyway because I haven't been as happy with my relationships as I would hope. Maybe part of my problem all long has been that I've been seeking out the wrong type for me! I think that seems to be pretty common in general; people think they know what they want, but what they want isn't whats actually good for them. Thus the long-standing trope of people who constantly choose partners who treat them badly.

 

 

I definitely agree, we cannot plan who we fall for and it is a great idea to spend time with different types of people as opposed to sticking to one particular type. When I met my fwb, I was fond of him to be sure, but his lifestyle was not something that I could live with in a long term relationship, work was his number one priority above and beyond all else, so at the beginning I was pretty confident that I would be fine going forward. We also had some pretty strict "rules" in place in the hopes that the lines would not get blurred. It was definitely still a risk as anything can happen but I am glad I took it. The whole arrangement suited me very well for the place that I was at in my life.

[Sportster2005]

If she's leaving the country, now might be a good time to bail. Kind of reminds me of spending thousands to save a 100.

[WithLove]

However, you did say that there are some "obstacles" in the way of long-term potential. If you feel those can't be overcome, then don't waste your time. And also be sure that before you speak with her, you are clear with yourself about whether you really want her or you're just jealous that she might be with others. Separate your ego from this as best you can.

 

I agree with Bulletproof's advice here. Think about those obstacles you mentioned as they pertain to dating her long term. If these aren't one you feel you'll be able to overcome, then having 'the talk' with her really isn't necessary. You can just say that it's been fun, but you'd like to move on. Or, you can go the 'I really only want to be exclusive sexual partners and I'm not into sharing'.

[Quasi]

I agree with Bulletproof's advice here. Think about those obstacles you mentioned as they pertain to dating her long term. If these aren't one you feel you'll be able to overcome, then having 'the talk' with her really isn't necessary. You can just say that it's been fun, but you'd like to move on. Or, you can go the 'I really only want to be exclusive sexual partners and I'm not into sharing'.

 

Lots of good thoughts from everyone here, and I appreciate it. By "obstacles" I was basically meaning:

1-Does she have any romantic feelings toward me as well?

2-Would she want to move toward more of a regular relationship, given how we started out?

3-She has been planning to move across the country (not out of the country!) later in the year.

 

I'm clear about my own feelings and, as I said earlier in the thread, the fact that we started as FWBs doesn't rule out a romantic relationship for me. She may or may not think differently, I know people have various viewpoints on that sort of thing. Even demonstrated in this thread. I don't think that would be an issue for her if she were interested in me, but I'm not positive.

 

So even if 1 & 2 are good, that leaves the move. She actually has a pretty good job here, plus ties to family and friends. This is where she grew up, actually. She doesn't have a job or housing or anything in the other state, but she wants to live there and has been casually planning to do so. I can only speak for myself here, but if the roles were reversed, I would consider staying put if there were someone special to stay for. To me, that's a much easier thing than moving to be with someone. . . But I don't know exactly how strongly she feels about moving, so that's where our discussion will have to come in (if it even gets that far). It could be that it's more of a light "maybe a change will do me good" type of thing, but maybe it's a serious "I have to get out of this place" type of thing too. If staying here would make her seriously unhappy, then I wouldn't want that even if she offered.

 

Anyway, we see each other tomorrow at last. We've been texting and talking, but I haven't said anything substantive about this whole thing. I really feel like it needs to be face-to-face. So we're meeting up tomorrow around lunchtime and we'll see what happens. . .

[gingervixen]

OP, are you sure you're really falling for her or this obsession with her is just because she's emotionally unavailable?

[Quasi]

Just on the off chance that anyone is curious how this turned out. . .

 

It's didn't go perfectly, but it did go way better than I expected. First off, out of the blue, she mentioned that she was putting her plans to move on hold for a while. I felt like that gave me a perfect opening to start the conversation, so I told her that I was sorry that that wasn't working out, but I was also happy that she wasn't moving away so soon. That led into me explaining why I felt that way and telling her that my feelings for her were more than just FWB-based. I would have thought she had already figured that out, but she seemed to be surprised! She said she wasn't sure what she was feeling exactly, but that she also felt like we were moving past FWB-status.

 

So I think she's a little more cautious than I am about it at the moment, but we mutually decided to try it out. We're now starting to spend time with each other (and only each other) in a more traditionally dating-type of way and we'll see how that goes. It's an interesting transition because we already know each other quite well, so we're already past the sometimes awkward 'getting to know you' stuff. But we've also intentionally slowed down on the physical intimacy side. Definitely not the normal relationship trajectory for me! But it feels good so far and I feel like we've been pretty straightforward with each other now. So wish us luck!