No Christmas gift from live in bf- how best to handle?

[ParisPaulette]

Here's a tip. Take at least half of what you would spend on him for holidays and birthdays and buy things for yourself. Say nothing, just be lavish on your own gifts to yourself and the baby. If he says something explain to him you are no longer interested in the whole topic, so you will buy your own from now on and he will get what he gets.

 

Seriously, next Christmas get him a gift card for $25 to Starbucks and spend that money on yourself. He's being inconsiderate on purpose and likely gets a thrill out of it. So stop relying on him to do anything and just get your own gifts and give him next to nothing. More for you and the baby.

 

Remember you teach others how to treat you and so far what you've taught him is you'll keep buying him expensive goodies while you know he won't get you anything. Sorry, but no.

 

And I agree with others, stop giving him money for other people. Tell him to handle it himself. You're teaching this guy how to treat you. BTW I'm glad to hear you survived and are enjoying your new baby. Don't let this guy's actions overshadow that, but as someone else pointed out maybe it's time for a new life plan with a partner who will put some effort into the relationship.

[Lightattheend1]

Thank you all so much.

 

The gas. ..he was on the phone with his mom...and I hadn't brought any of "my" cash with me...so $10...

 

The notes money. ..he promises to repay at home...in front if his mom. Or sometimes others. But everyone is right...the answer is I just don't have any on me. (Because I hate to say in front of people...well remember you NEVER PAY ME BACK.)

 

Thank you for the gift card idea. I know I will never hear the end of it!

 

I was married before. I'm not sure it's simething I'd ever do afain...that's a long story. Not to worry as bf wouldn't ever get married. He only considered it for his taxes and called lawyers about a prenump. Like I said...very concerned about his money. Romantic... I thought if it myself for health issue reasons.

[metrogirl]

Thank you all so much.

 

The gas. ..he was on the phone with his mom...and I hadn't brought any of "my" cash with me...so $10...

 

The notes money. ..he promises to repay at home...in front if his mom. Or sometimes others. But everyone is right...the answer is I just don't have any on me. (Because I hate to say in front of people...well remember you NEVER PAY ME BACK.)

 

Thank you for the gift card idea. I know I will never hear the end of it!

 

I was married before. I'm not sure it's simething I'd ever do afain...that's a long story. Not to worry as bf wouldn't ever get married. He only considered it for his taxes and called lawyers about a prenump. Like I said...very concerned about his money. Romantic... I thought if it myself for health issue reasons.

 

Ohhhh.... I thought you two were married. So with his priorities everywhere else, it's doubtful he would ever marry you. I once was married, not exactly eager to do it again. My boyfriend/fiancé said to me when we started dating he never wanted to get married but then proposed to me after 10 years of dating. Men....such weird creatures. I do like the idea that one of the posters mentioned. Leave and make sure you get child support, he can't back out of that one. lol

[journeynow]

Thank you for the gift card idea. I know I will never hear the end of it!

 

 

You don't have to listen to it, let it roll of your back. You can tell him "I don't want to hear it" if he starts on it. But if the solutions offered don't seem to fit, and you want this relationship, why not sit down with him when you both are relaxed and happy and come up with a gifting tradition that works for both of you. Find out what his philosophy of gifting IS for a romantic partner. Does he see you and your interests as separate from himself, or maybe an extension of himself? What do you like about this relationship?

[IAmFCA]

1. He doesn't and never has bought you gifts on big days like Christmas and birthday. 2. Money and awareness is not the impediment. 3. The rest of the year is NOT characterized by kindness and unexpected acts of kindness. Some people get performance anxiety on the holidays with respect to gift giving, but give on random occasions all year long.

 

In isolation of other information, this guy sounds like he has an irrational response to others expectations of him. Rather, what he THINKS are others expectations, and that he thinks he HAD to meet others expectations. Feeling trapped to perform for others (which he isnt because all hr has to do is please himself) leads to a resentment of others. Spool that logic out: a passive aggressive man - because he is angry and doesn't express himself nor make other moves to change the situation or his view of it - who gives for the purpose of getting back accolades. His family relationships are easy: throw around some gift cards. It's an old pattern and nobody there expects more or less of him. With you its more complicated: he knows he will be judged, that gifts make you happy, he wants to be happy with him alone, and he has no upside because you expect gifts. Gift giving may feel like an obligation to him.

 

Despite the tone of my explanation, you are the one who is logical here, to a degee. He has the internal aggression/anger of someone who thinks he has to behave in a way that pleases others, and lacks the maturity to understand what pleases himself.

 

Group of women yesterday were discussing how this is the most difficult personality to make work, in a relationship.

 

My advice is:

 

Accept him the way he is. He will not change. Whether normal expectations suggest he is wrong is 100% irrelevant. Then decide if you will continue to accept him in the role as your significant other.

[boltnrun]

My ex husband asked me when Mother's Day was coming up..."I don't have to buy you anything, right? You're not MY mother!" No, I'm not his mother, but I AM the mother of his children! A card would have been nice.

 

On my birthday he took me to a cheap chain restaurant that provides free meals to people on their birthdays. Then, while I was eating my free meal, he expressed annoyance because the birthday decoration that the restaurant was supposed to place on our table was not there. True story. Again, I don't need a $200 meal, but something a bit more than a free meal from a 24 hour glorified fast food place would have been nice.

 

See, his dad taught him that women are foolish with money, and that he would need to keep a tight rein on me or I'd go nuts and spend all "his" money on dumb stuff. He also told him that girlfriends and wives are expensive and that he needed to beware.

 

So, your BF (baby daddy?) probably was taught by someone that women always want you to spend money on them for foolish reasons, or that all women are gold diggers.

 

My ex husband never got out of that mindset.

 

Notice I said "EX" husband...

[Ms Darcy]

I was married before. I'm not sure it's simething I'd ever do afain...that's a long story. Not to worry as bf wouldn't ever get married. He only considered it for his taxes and called lawyers about a prenump. Like I said...very concerned about his money. Romantic... I thought if it myself for health issue reasons.

 

I don't mean to make it sound like marriage is the end all be all. But I think the reasoning you have laid out for NOT being married (his concern about money) does a few things:

 

1. It highlights how, even though you have a child together and are living together, you two are not a family.

2. It shows how you are more invested in this relationship than he is.

3. It demonstrates that if this relationship ends, you have virtually no guaranteed financial support from and with him - especially if you can't work - unless you get child support from a court.

 

I would strongly suggest that you make a plan to get out of this situation.

[Snny]

He always has an excuse....

 

I didn't get you anything because...

 

-you weren't nice to me that day (probably because you forgot my birthday)

That's a D**k answer. That's not an excuse- that's just him being an arrogant ass. Just, wow.

You deserve so much better. For something like that I would of said:

 

"You're going to "PUNISH" me by resorting to THAT?! Are you kidding me bro? That's the most disgusting thing I ever heard someone say to me."

 

Why stay with him?

[IAmFCA]

Sometimes I think "there's a lid for every pot" and then I think, "Yes, but that doesn't mean I have to be the lid for THIS pot."

 

If you enjoy giving him gifts, do it. If you don't, then don't. Have no expectations of getting material gifts from him. You've said that it hurts you. Well, so what. He feels hurt, too. The conversations you're having with him and with us are all about whose emotions are legitimate and who is supposed to change.

 

 

So what?

 

You've both made it clear that you feel hurt and that gifting is a danger zone of hurting each other. So stop giving stuff. Stop expecting stuff. On the next holiday, give the gift of a special breakfast and a handmade card.

[Lightattheend1]

Thanks all. I appreciate it so much.

 

I never expect much...but like for birthdays an acknowledgementioned would be nice.

 

UPDATE: Yesterday he handed me 50 bucks and told me to go buy myself something for Christmas (baby was in for a bap) and I could do it alone. I went out for about an hour and a half. Put fas in car...got some nice coffee got myself...and brought home dinner (he asked.)

 

Last night, he asked what I had gotten myself and if I wanted anything else. I just told him I had everything ...and what a nice Christmas it was with the baby.

 

Its a week after Christmas...next year a gift card and spend the money on myself and baby.

[Lightattheend1]

That's a D**k answer. That's not an excuse- that's just him being an arrogant ass. Just, wow.

You deserve so much better. For something like that I would of said:

 

"You're going to "PUNISH" me by resorting to THAT?! Are you kidding me bro? That's the most disgusting thing I ever heard someone say to me."

 

Why stay with him?

 

Yes. Pretty sick. I need to just plan dinner and a gift for myself ...and he can do the same.

[Lightattheend1]

That's a D**k answer. That's not an excuse- that's just him being an arrogant ass. Just, wow.

You deserve so much better. For something like that I would of said:

 

"You're going to "PUNISH" me by resorting to THAT?! Are you kidding me bro? That's the most disgusting thing I ever heard someone say to me."

 

Why stay with him?

 

My ex husband asked me when Mother's Day was coming up..."I don't have to buy you anything, right? You're not MY mother!" No, I'm not his mother, but I AM the mother of his children! A card would have been nice.

 

On my birthday he took me to a cheap chain restaurant that provides free meals to people on their birthdays. Then, while I was eating my free meal, he expressed annoyance because the birthday decoration that the restaurant was supposed to place on our table was not there. True story. Again, I don't need a $200 meal, but something a bit more than a free meal from a 24 hour glorified fast food place would have been nice.

 

See, his dad taught him that women are foolish with money, and that he would need to keep a tight rein on me or I'd go nuts and spend all "his" money on dumb stuff. He also told him that girlfriends and wives are expensive and that he needed to beware.

 

So, your BF (baby daddy?) probably was taught by someone that women always want you to spend money on them for foolish reasons, or that all women are gold diggers.

 

My ex husband never got out of that mindset.

 

Notice I said "EX" husband...

 

I suppose that is the case...but I'm not materialistic at all. If I need something I make it...buy it at a thrift shop or go without...didnt need it that much.

 

He's definitely different. Has a thousand dollar car payment on a car he never drives. Wiw...

[IAmFCA]

I suppose that is the case...but I'm not materialistic at all. If I need something I make it...buy it at a thrift shop or go without...didnt need it that much.

 

He's definitely different. Has a thousand dollar car payment on a car he never drives. Wiw...

 

You keep bringing up how much he has, and also that you're not materialistic. I'm not challenging either point, rather making a new one: he has money he chooses not to spend, or to spend his way. That's his choice, and he does not choose to spend it on you. You don't need or value material things. So... why would he spend it on you?

 

It's time you stop making value judgments about how much he has and how he chooses to use it. He makes a $1000 payment on a car ... ok, so we know what he values. The way the car looks and feels when he drives it, or when sitting in its parking space . And if he didn t pay, the car would be gone.

 

Ironically, what you value is what he isn't good at providing, which is gifts of sentiment rather than monetary worth.

 

This is a difference in values. It is time you accept that he IS materialistic and has learned to express himself by passing money around. He knows that isn't good enough for you and so you get nothing. Logical: he's a failure in your eyes either way: by demonstrating his materialism and by having no sentimental value to his gifts.

 

Stop judging him, you'll be happier.

[IAmFCA]

OP, I happen to agree with others that your bf as portrayed in this thread sounds like a clod. Other dynamics are at work here though, which is (1) there is a dramatic difference between your disposable income/wealth, and (2) you'd like for that gap to be narrowed a wee bit, and (3) he could help with that by gift giving more generously, (4) you've told him so couching it as an emotional issue which is fair, and yet (5) he still chooses to give too little too late in terms of material goods.

 

Its a nuance, but my earlier posts have gotten at the sense that, underneath it all, your bf feels giving is what is expected of him, which makes it feel no longer like a gift and more like an obligation.

 

My advice is therefore enhanced:

 

Not only do I recommend the earlier bit about giving him whatever it is that makes you happy to give, whether zero or the moon, ALSO, get comfortable with your limited means.

 

The structure of your paragraphs creates a comparison between how much he has and how little you have. I applaud you for living within your means. Spend as you are comfortable. If he complains, let it roll off your back. When he is miserly as judged from your perspective, remind yourself that you are in this for him and not his balance sheet, and accept his limited gift giving skills as among his breadth of character traits. You be you, and don't make his gift giving about you or how he feels about you. His actions are a reflection only of him. This is simply who he is.

[boltnrun]

I agree that it's not necessarily a jerky move to not buy you anything if you're "not materialistic", it's the things he uses as excuses that are jerky.

 

What he SHOULD say is "You say you don't value material things, so I didn't buy you anything material. What would you like instead of a gift?"

 

It's kind of like those people who say "Oh, I don't want a big fuss for my birthday, you don't have to do anything!" Then they get hurt when no one does anything.

 

I DO like a big fuss, so I say so! I say "I like people to fuss over me on my birthday!" Much easier to ask for what you want, it makes it more likely you'll get it.

[Lightattheend1]

I would think it's normal for me to expect a gift from my live in bf of 5 yrs.

 

Especially when he points out gifts he'd like...has me make a list of what I'd like if need.. and even tells me he has hidden it between our mattress. Why? I guess to be mean or hurtful.

 

They say it's the thought that counts and hes thoughtless...imo.

 

Thanks all.

[journeynow]

Why? I guess to be mean or hurtful.

 

They say it's the thought that counts and hes thoughtless...imo.

 

Why are you with him? Do you want a different relationship?

[Ms Darcy]

I would think it's normal for me to expect a gift from my live in bf of 5 yrs.

 

Especially when he points out gifts he'd like...has me make a list of what I'd like if need.. and even tells me he has hidden it between our mattress. Why? I guess to be mean or hurtful.

 

They say it's the thought that counts and hes thoughtless...imo.

 

Thanks all.

 

Well, obviously you are ok with what he's doing because you've been with him for 5 years.

[ParisPaulette]

Especially when he points out gifts he'd like...has me make a list of what I'd like if need.. and even tells me he has hidden it between our mattress. Why? I guess to be mean or hurtful.

 

THIS is a big problem. So you're saying he goes out of his way to make you think he's bought you a gift then doesn't? That's just deliberately being mean if I'm understanding you right.

 

Seriously, either tell this guy there will be no more gift-giving between the two of you period, because of all the weird games he plays on it and such OR do what I said, buy him a cheap gift card, spend money on yourself and get yourself gifts at Xmas. But tell him he better get his child gifts or there will be H to pay. And mean it and if he starts involving your child in such twisted games that's the time to dump him and take him to court for child support and supervised visitation only.

 

That is beyond elfed up. I'm sorry, is this guy trying to get you to dump him on purpose do you think? I would have taken all of his gifts back to the shop when he left for work and told him if that's the way he wants to play it all gifts go to the baby from now on. I'm not even sure why you'd stay with someone so passively aggressively hostile in the first place. That goes beyond gift giving and reveals a malicious nature. And I would've asked him for $500 like you spent on him when he asked if there was anything else he could get you.

 

Seriously, why are you putting up with that????

[Lightattheend1]

THIS is a big problem. So you're saying he goes out of his way to make you think he's bought you a gift then doesn't? That's just deliberately being mean if I'm understanding you right.

 

Seriously, either tell this guy there will be no more gift-giving between the two of you period, because of all the weird games he plays on it and such OR do what I said, buy him a cheap gift card, spend money on yourself and get yourself gifts at Xmas. But tell him he better get his child gifts or there will be H to pay. And mean it and if he starts involving your child in such twisted games that's the time to dump him and take him to court for child support and supervised visitation only.

 

That is beyond elfed up. I'm sorry, is this guy trying to get you to dump him on purpose do you think? I would have taken all of his gifts back to the shop when he left for work and told him if that's the way he wants to play it all gifts go to the baby from now on. I'm not even sure why you'd stay with someone so passively aggressively hostile in the first place. That goes beyond gift giving and reveals a malicious nature. And I would've asked him for $500 like you spent on him when he asked if there was anything else he could get you.

 

Seriously, why are you putting up with that????

 

Yes. Seems ge did it on purpose. That's why I was expecting a gift...even something small.

 

Yes, he did buy the baby a gift...I mostly provided for him. He complained about spending money on the baby.

 

I thought about taking his gifts...but that seems childish.

 

Bbtw...the thousand a month car...he doesn't drive.

[catfeeder]

Yes. Seems ge did it on purpose. That's why I was expecting a gift...even something small.

 

Yes, he did buy the baby a gift...I mostly provided for him. He complained about spending money on the baby.

 

I thought about taking his gifts...but that seems childish.

 

Bbtw...the thousand a month car...he doesn't drive.

 

So the question about whether you're 'right' to feel lousy is really irrelevant while the important question to answer becomes, "Do I really want to stay with this guy?"

 

You're not some old lady locked into a bad marriage, you're just allowing yourself to be treated like one. So the question becomes, "Is this really good enough for me?"

 

Nobody else can answer these questions for you, because nobody else is living your love life FOR you, so nobody else gets a vote.

 

None of this is being inflicted upon you. It's a decision.

[ParisPaulette]

I would drive the dang car, take the keys, and seriously I agree with catefeeder. You aren't married to this guy, you have your own money, why stay? I'd have been out that door the minute someone pulled that crap on me. I get all sorts of problems in a relationship, but whenever someone did something deliberately mean to me I was gone.

 

Life is too short to deal with the sort of hostility one already finds in line at the damn Starbucks, grocery store, or driving in the city. And complaining about buying things for his baby?? SMH seriously just go and consult an attorney on getting child support, make plans, take the baby and go or kick him out if you own the house.

 

I'm sorry, this relationship is one with someone who clearly has issues and the longer you stay the more those issues will rub off on you. All I can tell you at this point is the whole gift thing is a symptom of an unhealthy toxic relationship, but it's not the problem==the guy himself is and you staying is. Sorry I can't be more positive, but yikes. I think sooner or later you're going to blow up and storm out and personally I think that'd be far worse than coldly calculating how to get yourself free now and just doing it.

 

You can only do so much with anything when you're doing with a total d**khead and that's what this guy is if what you say is true. Those don't get better just because you stay, quite the opposite.

[IAmFCA]

I agree that it's not necessarily a jerky move to not buy you anything if you're "not materialistic", it's the things he uses as excuses that are jerky.

 

What he SHOULD say is "You say you don't value material things, so I didn't buy you anything material. What would you like instead of a gift?"

 

It's kind of like those people who say "Oh, I don't want a big fuss for my birthday, you don't have to do anything!" Then they get hurt when no one does anything.

 

I DO like a big fuss, so I say so! I say "I like people to fuss over me on my birthday!" Much easier to ask for what you want, it makes it more likely you'll get it.

 

I agree, but OP has a new.child and 5 years and an apparent commitment to stay put. So, it would seeM necessary to accept his jerk behavior in this regard andmove on.

[Ms Darcy]

So the question about whether you're 'right' to feel lousy is really irrelevant while the important question to answer becomes, "Do I really want to stay with this guy?"

 

You're not some old lady locked into a bad marriage, you're just allowing yourself to be treated like one. So the question becomes, "Is this really good enough for me?"

 

Nobody else can answer these questions for you, because nobody else is living your love life FOR you, so nobody else gets a vote.

 

None of this is being inflicted upon you. It's a decision.

 

I agree. It's not like you have to stay with this guy. You are complaining yet you are staying, so you are getting something out of the relationship.

 

I mean, if you are here to vent about presents, fine. But at some point, you either accept him or you leave.

 

I have also found that sometimes people treat you like a jerk because they are hoping (whether consciously or subconsciously) to push you away so that you leave. The person who takes it is pretty foolish (for lack of a better term) in not realizing that they are not truly loved.

[journeynow]

To summarize:

 

Your boyfriend is materialistic, makes big bucks, is a big spender on himself. You bought him expensive gifts for Christmas. (I can't remember if you said these were things he wanted or if he appreciated them. Were they, and does he? Are they things he would buy for himself?)

 

You are not materialistic. You did not get many gifts as a child, and have baggage from your past in that regard. You take care of financial obligations for your bf using your gift money. (Do you buy things for yourself? I can't remember this either.) He did not buy you a gift this year.

 

(You each feed into the other's style.)

 

Do you love this guy? Does he love you? Again, I can't remember the details or if you've mentioned. (I'm sorry if I've missed important details.) Do you value this relationship? Is it good in other ways?

 

This MAY BE an area you two differ on: what is gift giving about between you?; does he feel he provides in other ways (that count more, or mean more)?

 

If this is a relationship you want, this MAY BE an area you decide that you two move in parallel but not the same. So, you, Lightattheend1, come up with a solution that works for you and let him come up with a solution that works for him. (You can buy yourself gifts, and delight in them and yourself, and for you baby also, and buy him a token gift. and acknowledge that this is how you do it and it doesn't have to be otherwise; love can be shown in OTHER ways; that is, if it is the case that the rest of your relationship outshines this gifting issue.)