Boyfriend vs Husband Material

[treesandbees]

Off your original post. I have dated men who I knew were not life partners just casual and date potentials and two who I felt honest to God deep heart connections to.. that I wanted to go further with and one that I wanted to actual have children with. For me it was character based, and how they were with their families, if they liked children, had patience and were thoughtful and obviously loving, not just to me but to my family and my pets.

[Fudgie]

I think FWB to describe a sex partner is a rather silly euphemism and tells me that the people involved most likely are not all that comfortable with it if they have to refer to it in that way. Not just semantics to me so I can't go along with using it in that way. There are people who are close friends and decide to be intimate when they're both in the mood and they also have a true friendship.

 

Fair enough. Maybe "NSA arrangement" would be the best way to describe it. I agree that it's not really a true friendship if 2 people are just meeting up to screw and then leave. There's no element of emotional connection or companionship in that. But if that's what he wants, that's what it is. I'm sure he can find it in the right avenues, with the right expectations.

[DoF]

I thought FWB was a sexual arrangement.

 

It's a pretend arrangement. Silly kids playing silly games.

 

Whenever it comes to intimacy, or human connection in sexual manner, feelings and connections deeper than "just sex" will be made.

 

Essentially what you have is 2 parties lying to each other and acting as if they are in control of their feelings......or can defeat/are beyond HUMAN NATURE.

 

 

[Batya33]

It's a pretend arrangement. Silly kids playing silly games.

 

Whenever it comes to intimacy, or human connection in sexual manner, feelings and connections deeper than "just sex" will be made.

 

Essentially what you have is 2 parties lying to each other and acting as if they are in control of their feelings......or can defeat/are beyond HUMAN NATURE.

 

 

 

I would never presume to judge what people are capable of sexually -it's a whole spectrum -some people can compartmentalize, others, like me, cannot and/or choose not to, and yes I do believe that good friends can choose to be intimate and both will be happy with the arrangement -one reason being that if you are already good friends then you have a real hope of communicating any issues that might arise. I never did that in any major way -maybe some kissing/making out with certain friends - and it did not affect the friendship when we stopped doing that.

[Blue Spiral]

It's a pretend arrangement. Silly kids playing silly games.

 

With divorce, marriage is like a loaded gun, while FWBs is just fooling around with water pistols. I know which I'd choose. Kind of funny how us "silly kids" aren't the ones engaging in incredibly dangerous behavior.

 

Essentially what you have is 2 parties lying to each other and acting as if they are in control of their feelings......or can defeat/are beyond HUMAN NATURE.

 

Once upon a time, people thought that women working/being equals with men went against human nature, and that certain "racial truths" were embedded in human nature, and that being gay went against human nature. As it turns out...! There's a ton of variety and diversity in the human species; you shouldn't apply a one-size-fits-all definition to it.

 

Dougie, if I were you, I wouldn't be worrying about this distinction just yet. That's like worrying about climbing Mt. Everest when you've yet to make it to the top of the local hill.

 

For the record, being FWB material is much easier than either of the other two. I've been able to get with women that I'd never have a chance with in a "normal" relationship. And sex is all I wanted in the first place...

[abitbroken]

Dougie, what's the real question, man? Are you trying to figure out what boyfriend vs husband material is and then are you are going to try to change yourself into it? There is never a Dougie thread that involves asking a question for simple human interest - I know there is a subtext here that boils down to proving to us why you are not attracting women. So - is this an honest question with no strings, or is this going to run down the rabbit hole once again?

[Batya33]

"With divorce, marriage is like a loaded gun, while FWBs is just fooling around with water pistols. I know which I'd choose. Kind of funny how us "silly kids" aren't the ones engaging in incredibly dangerous behavior."

 

Obviously casual sex is far riskier than choosing a spouse in a careful way -casual sex has a higher risk of disease, unwanted pregnancies (and potentially a lifetime of child support for the resulting child). I don't find it funny -and I'm not sure why a "silly kid" should risk being a parent.

 

Divorce can be awful but, OP, if you choose wisely IMO marriage or a similar long term relationship -nothing like it - in the best way possible. Not for everyone but certainly better than having intercourse with near strangers who can give you lifelong or fatal diseases -or make you a parent when you don't want to be.

[Blue Spiral]

"With divorce, marriage is like a loaded gun, while FWBs is just fooling around with water pistols. I know which I'd choose. Kind of funny how us "silly kids" aren't the ones engaging in incredibly dangerous behavior."

 

Obviously casual sex is far riskier than choosing a spouse in a careful way -casual sex has a higher risk of disease, unwanted pregnancies (and potentially a lifetime of child support for the resulting child). I don't find it funny -and I'm not sure why a "silly kid" should risk being a parent.

 

That isn't obvious at all, at least not to me. Granted, I'm more worried about financial issues than health issues, and I'm not worried at all about getting a woman pregnant.

[thejigsup]

It's a pretend arrangement. Silly kids playing silly games.

 

Whenever it comes to intimacy, or human connection in sexual manner, feelings and connections deeper than "just sex" will be made.

 

Essentially what you have is 2 parties lying to each other and acting as if they are in control of their feelings......or can defeat/are beyond HUMAN NATURE.

 

 

 

Nah. I've done this a few times and I do not get attached at all. One of them asked me what I wanted from the arrangement and I told him, "orgasms". That was it. With my late fiance, I wanted a life partner and there were true feelings attached to the relationship. I sure as heck knew the difference. Some of us women can have sex without any kind of attachment. Like I said, I've done it several times.

[Dougie_D]

Dougie, what's the real question, man? Are you trying to figure out what boyfriend vs husband material is and then are you are going to try to change yourself into it? There is never a Dougie thread that involves asking a question for simple human interest - I know there is a subtext here that boils down to proving to us why you are not attracting women. So - is this an honest question with no strings, or is this going to run down the rabbit hole once again?

 

Yes, I think. I personally feel like I can be both, but I'm further away from being "husband" material. I feel like "husband" material is a guy who is ready to settle down and have kids with after having a career, house, stability, etc...

I guess I'm asking of how I can weed out women that prefer a boyfriend type than a husband type.

I'm almost 35. I need a woman who's more in the same boat then me, but all those women are in their 20's... And I feel like they would think I'm more experienced in things because of my age, but I'm not.

Basically I want to find a woman close to my age who doesn't care that I have less life experience than someone "should" at my age. I'm not immature, I'm just not experienced.

[abitbroken]

Yes, I think. I personally feel like I can be both, but I'm further away from being "husband" material. I feel like "husband" material is a guy who is ready to settle down and have kids with after having a career, house, stability, etc...

I guess I'm asking of how I can weed out women that prefer a boyfriend type than a husband type.

I'm almost 35. I need a woman who's more in the same boat then me, but all those women are in their 20's... And I feel like they would think I'm more experienced in things because of my age, but I'm not.

Basically I want to find a woman close to my age who doesn't care that I have less life experience than someone "should" at my age. I'm not immature, I'm just not experienced.

 

You shouldn't worry about weeding out women who prefer boyfriends vs husbands. I would focus on simply getting to second and third and forth dates if you are not there yet.

 

I have found the best way to 'weed' anyone in or out is to be clear in your words and actions about what you want. If you want to meet a woman who is looking for a serious relationship possibly leading to commitment, you don't try to meet women at bars. If you want to meet a woman who might like to have a drink with you, go pick her up at a bar. Even if a woman is looking for a relationship, she is most likely not in the mindset to consider anyone at the bar and will consider that just playing/dating for fun or flirting. Unless your common interest is drinking and that's what you base your relationship on. In your early 20s, okay, but women who are in late 20s and 30s and have a career are probably not out at the bar at 1 am on a wednesday. If you want to find a wife, when you are in the beginning stages of meeting someone, you are clear about what you are looking for - when you start to talk about what you are looking for and where you see yourself you say that you are looking to date in order to find someone to have a relationship with, you tell them that you aren't interested in having kids, that you are, where you see yourself down the road. That way they know ultimately what your goal is when the time is right to say it. And if she doesn't have similar goals or if she doesn't gel with you, you can break things off or she can - and its nothing personal.

[Batya33]

It's not about where you "should" be in life but about compatibility. Most people want someone with compatible goals and values as well as someone who is on their wavelength about financial stability and values if they are interested in something long term. It's not about someone thinking you "should" be at a certain point - that might be some people, of course -but you're thinking it's a judgy attitude -most of the time it's wanting compatibility on those essential points.