He doesn't want a relationship and apparently I was suppose to know

[skittles88]

Hi everyone, I made a post a few week ago about a guy that I was dating and he brought another girl to a Halloween party. Thank you for your responses, everyone said what I was thinking in the back of my mind that we needed to have the exclusivity talk.

 

I brought it up with him and he said that he wasn't interested in a relationship with anyone because he was still healing from him last. Now I knew he had a long term girlfriend but it wasn't till this conversation that I found out it was less than a year since the breakup. Also he said they dated for 12 years and bought a house together and are still sorting out stuff with their house. He said he really cared about me but he wasn't ready to commit to anyone and he was still struggling to move on.

 

I definitely understand this even though it hurt to hear. But the thing is, I really thought he was interested in me as something more. I was able to tell with previous guys when interest fizzled out but with him I never got the feeling that it was just something casual. He said he would like to still be friends because he would be upset to not have me in my his life. But I don't think I can do that. Also it's the same situation as the girl he brought to the Halloween party, she wanted more but he didn't so they became friends.

 

But the most hurtful part of this conversation was that he thought I already knew this. We met at a friends birthday party and he told our friend all this ( and then he assumed the friend told me). Apparently our friend told him that I was fine with casual and that I was just looking to "get it in." I'm so furious with my friend because I never said anything like that to her. In fact she told me she wanted him to date a nice girl because it's been awhile and is ready to date again. Ive been ignoring her but I don't know if I should confront her. And the guy continued to text me the night after we met and had this conversation, saying things like " you can always talk to me", " I do care about you," " if I'm ready to move on I know where to find you" until I finally asked him to leave me alone. I'm just so frustrated with myself for misreading this situation and my friend.

[bulletproof]

…but with him I never got the feeling that it was just something casual.

 

But you also never had a conversation saying otherwise. Here's the bottom line: you never discussed being exclusive, and your friend's words to you were that she wanted him to date a nice girl. Dating doesn't equal relationship, so I don't think she was misleading you there.

 

However, she shouldn't be telling any guy that you're fine with casual if you're not. You don't have to confront her angrily; just ask her if she said that and why. Maybe she actually thought you did want that, who knows?

 

Moral of the story is, never assume.

[mhowe]

His interest didn't fizzle out. He simply only wanted to date --- many people. Casual dating.

 

Your friend doesn't seem like much of a friend.

[DoF]

He is not your friend, and never will be.

 

Take it for what it is and next time be more clear about relationship status and also double check and make sure person is not still recovering......or as I like to say, trust NO ONE.

[skittles88]

Right that's why I'm so mad at myself. I assumed because I was really into him and things (on my end) were going well that he felt the same. I misread everything.

 

But my friend definitely knows I was looking for a casual hookup. And based on conversations we had while I was dating him she thought we were headed into a relationship. So I just don't know why if he told her he doesn't want to be in a relationship why she wouldn't tell me when she knew that's what I wanted

[bulletproof]

But my friend definitely knows I was looking for a casual hookup. And based on conversations we had while I was dating him she thought we were headed into a relationship. So I just don't know why if he told her he doesn't want to be in a relationship why she wouldn't tell me when she knew that's what I wanted

 

Then you need to ask her why. But if you're furious, as you stated in your post, you should really calm down before having the conversation with her.

Also, no point in being angry at yourself. Take it as a lesson, and think about what you can do better next time. Then forgive yourself. No point in continuing to be angry at yourself for something you learned from.

[mhowe]

In fact she told me she wanted him to date

 

In a nutshell.

[DoF]

Right that's why I'm so mad at myself. I assumed because I was really into him and things (on my end) were going well that he felt the same. I misread everything.

 

But my friend definitely knows I was looking for a casual hookup. And based on conversations we had while I was dating him she thought we were headed into a relationship. So I just don't know why if he told her he doesn't want to be in a relationship why she wouldn't tell me when she knew that's what I wanted

 

Sounds like she is not your friend either......

 

And the reason why you feel the way you do is because chances are high you RUSHED in ......be patient next time, take your time....

[greta96]

But my friend definitely knows I was looking for a casual hookup.

 

Is this a typo, and you meant to say your friend "definitely knows I was not looking for a hookup", or she thought you did want a hookup?

If she thought you wanted a hookup, then why are you mad at her? She just thought you both wanted a hookup and you were both happy with it.

If you did make a typo, and she knew you weren't looking for a hookup, you still need to cool off first and don't jump to blaming her! How do you know what this guy told you is true, why would you take his word as the law??

He wanted NSA sex, you provided it, then you told him you were looking for something serious and he needed a scape goat, which happened to be your friend. Seriously, why do you expect a guy who only wanted hookups and used you for sex to tell you the truth? I bet you any money that he lied about thinking that you knew he didn't want a relationship, he just said it so that he didn't look like an a$$hole. I think he knew fully well that you wanted something more serious, but since you never had "the talk", he took advantage of the limbo and used you for sex on his terms.

So before jumping to conclusions, cool down, have a heart to heart calm conversation with your friend, tell her what the guy told you, and see what she says.

 

As for him - never, ever, assume. In this day and age, you can no longer assume that if you get along with someone and are having sex, it implies you two are in a relationship, or exclusive, or committed. You need to ask the right questions straight up, so he can't lie and blame his lack of willingness to commit on anything or anybody.

Next time, play it much smarter. Heed the red flags - in this case, it was clear he was seeing others besides you. As for this guy, leave him behind. He is not and will never be a friend, he will just continue using you for sex, in the name of "friendship".

[missmarple]

Where to start?

 

1. You dated this guy for 4 months and you never asked how long it had been since he broke up with his long-term gf? You didn't even know how long they had dated or that they had bought a house together. Unbelievable.

These are things you should have talked about. I know more about guys I've been on ONE date with than you did about this guy. How? I ASK. I really can't believe that in 4 months, not even once you didn't ask how long that relationship had been, why it had ended, when it had ended, if he's over it, etc, etc.

 

2. You start dating someone. You keep dating him for 4 months. You sleep with him. And it never crosses your mind to tell him 'so, what are we two doing? are we in a relationship? because that's what I want'?

 

3. About your friend. If you've known her for a while and you trust her, tell her what he said. Don't accuse her. Just tell her and see what she says. He could be lying but, then again, so could she if you confront her. It's a messy situation and it all comes down to how well you know your friend.

 

All this could have been avoided with a simple question when you started dating this guy. 'What-are-you-looking-for'? I don't know how old you are (I imagine very young) but, really, by not speaking up (about what you expect from a guy you date), you're not doing yourself any favours...you only give guys like this one a chance to use you and then turn around and say 'oh, I thought you knew I didn't want a relationship'.

 

Let this be a lesson to you and consider yourself lucky it had only been 4 months..and, of course, tell him you don't want a 'friendship'...you have enough friends.

[kathy679]

Never assume anything...if he hasn't sat down and told you he wants yo be exclusive then he is thinking in his mind you are both just casual. I know it can feel like a relationship but you need to hear him say he wants more

[Dottieflanogon]

I don't think your friend meant any harm, sounds like a case of mis- communication-please don't blame all this on your friend.However, I'm not sure why he assumed you knew the deal if you never discussed being exclusive. Unless he had specifically asked you to be exclusive then don't assume you are in relationship.I usually find that the best course of action is be direct and to the point ask where the relationship is going, or where you two stand with each other etc. just to clear up the confusion.

 

 

The bottom line is, he's just not that into you, but like spending time with you to fill the void until he meets someone who he's truly interested in. "I am not ready for a relationship" is universal code for "I'm Just Not That Into You." Cut him off out of your life or else you'll become nothing more than a booty call . if he's expressed the sentiment that he doesn't want a relationship, then believe him.Move on and find someone who is ready

[notalady]

Where to start?

 

1. You dated this guy for 4 months and you never asked how long it had been since he broke up with his long-term gf? You didn't even know how long they had dated or that they had bought a house together. Unbelievable.

These are things you should have talked about. I know more about guys I've been on ONE date with than you did about this guy. How? I ASK. I really can't believe that in 4 months, not even once you didn't ask how long that relationship had been, why it had ended, when it had ended, if he's over it, etc, etc.

 

2. You start dating someone. You keep dating him for 4 months. You sleep with him. And it never crosses your mind to tell him 'so, what are we two doing? are we in a relationship? because that's what I want'?

 

3. About your friend. If you've known her for a while and you trust her, tell her what he said. Don't accuse her. Just tell her and see what she says. He could be lying but, then again, so could she if you confront her. It's a messy situation and it all comes down to how well you know your friend.

 

All this could have been avoided with a simple question when you started dating this guy. 'What-are-you-looking-for'? I don't know how old you are (I imagine very young) but, really, by not speaking up (about what you expect from a guy you date), you're not doing yourself any favours...you only give guys like this one a chance to use you and then turn around and say 'oh, I thought you knew I didn't want a relationship'.

 

Let this be a lesson to you and consider yourself lucky it had only been 4 months..and, of course, tell him you don't want a 'friendship'...you have enough friends.

 

Couldn't have said it better myself. Agree with this 100%.

[Sportster2005]

The whole thing sounds like a big stinking pile of drama poo. Drop it and move on.

[Ms Darcy]

Just remember to clarify the situation before sex. Make sure you speak your needs and truth sooner rather than later.

[SoulTaker]

Where to start?

 

1. You dated this guy for 4 months and you never asked how long it had been since he broke up with his long-term gf? You didn't even know how long they had dated or that they had bought a house together. Unbelievable.

These are things you should have talked about. I know more about guys I've been on ONE date with than you did about this guy. How? I ASK. I really can't believe that in 4 months, not even once you didn't ask how long that relationship had been, why it had ended, when it had ended, if he's over it, etc, etc.

 

2. You start dating someone. You keep dating him for 4 months. You sleep with him. And it never crosses your mind to tell him 'so, what are we two doing? are we in a relationship? because that's what I want'?

 

3. About your friend. If you've known her for a while and you trust her, tell her what he said. Don't accuse her. Just tell her and see what she says. He could be lying but, then again, so could she if you confront her. It's a messy situation and it all comes down to how well you know your friend.

 

All this could have been avoided with a simple question when you started dating this guy. 'What-are-you-looking-for'? I don't know how old you are (I imagine very young) but, really, by not speaking up (about what you expect from a guy you date), you're not doing yourself any favours...you only give guys like this one a chance to use you and then turn around and say 'oh, I thought you knew I didn't want a relationship'.

 

Let this be a lesson to you and consider yourself lucky it had only been 4 months..and, of course, tell him you don't want a 'friendship'...you have enough friends.

 

+2. Couldn't have said it any better.

[dsi2121]

In the same situation. Dated a guy for five months. Made it known from the beginning I wanted something serious. Said he didn't want anything yet "but wanted to see where things went". 5 months later we sleep together and then I find out hes with other girls. You wouuld think 5 months would be enough time to determine. Especially since we were holding hands in public and talking about personal stuff.

[SoulTaker]

In the same situation. Dated a guy for five months. Made it known from the beginning I wanted something serious. Said he didn't want anything yet "but wanted to see where things went". 5 months later we sleep together and then I find out hes with other girls. You wouuld think 5 months would be enough time to determine. Especially since we were holding hands in public and talking about personal stuff.

 

I don't get your line of reasoning. His response is a classic (non-committal) reply that he needed to state in order to keep you in the loop. I know men who use that line all the time, and women still fall for it. Amazing.

[dsi2121]

He only the 3rd person I've been "serious" with or dated for a substantial amount of time. Maybe I was just naive.

[SoulTaker]

He only the 3rd person I've been "serious" with or dated for a substantial amount of time. Maybe I was just naive.

 

I agree, lack of experience.