18 year GAP, Older guy, younger girl

[colbey]

First of all, I'm not for one who casually posts anything on the internet. Specially anything about my life. But I feel my issue warrants such attention that I've come to realize the need for advice. I'll get right donw to it: Around 4 months ago, I was going through a "dating site". While I was browsing thru the pictures, one caught my attention of a really nice looking lady. I read her profile, She seemed "mature" enough but....it also stated that she was only 19. I figured I'd send her an email message anyway. I commented on her accomplishments and also stated that it was really too bad that she was only 19. I thought that was the end of that.

 

The next day, much to my surprise...the replied. She said that "it's too bad that I felt that way, and that on her profile, did indicated that age didnt' matter to her". Well I'm 38....and when someone sez something like that, specially a 19 year old...I figure it wouldnt matter yah....if its like maybe 3 - 5 years apart...but not 18. So I replied back and apoligized, stating that I didnt' mean to offend. Anyway, to make a long story short, it's been 4 months now. We gone beyond apologies and into more personal issues. We have NOT met in person. At least not yet. But she claims that she is in love with me. Because of her level of maturity and the things we have in common, I have allowed myself to fall for her as well. I know what your thinking! No..I'm not going through a midlife crisis, No, i'm not into teenagers (frankly speaking), and No...this is NOT a cyber sex thing as well. I mean, if it was, I wouldn't be spilling it out here in the forum.

 

The age does gap does not bother her. She claims she is more than will to "grow old" with me, etc,etc,etc.

 

She is so much into me, that she's even introduced me to her mom, brother, aunts, etc as well. I've talked to them over the phone and some have stated a huge change in her. A better change.

 

As stated, though the age gab is not an issue with her...and it seems with her family as well, it IS an issue with me. I have a 15 year old daughter from a previous marriage. I have continually "encouraged" her to go out with guys her own age or close to it. and for her to think really hard on this matter. Suprisingly, she feels insulted everytime I bring up the issue. She feels i'm giving her away everytime I "encourage" her and wants nothing to do with that.

 

Anyway, is it right for me to feel this way? Am I the only one with an issue here? I'm willing to give it my very best. I'm just afraid that one day, she'll wake up and realize what she's been missing. Should I end this before it goes too far? Since we have not met yet, I should I consider terminating this "affair". I'm doing this not just for me...but for her.

[DragonGirl724]

whoa,

 

ok man first of all, you dont know what yore getting into when you go thru dating services. the person can lie about themselves, you dont know any of her firneds, you dont know what this person is like in person to say the least. she sounds like shes very impulsive. to say love & want to grow old with you at the age of 18 im sorry but she sounds very clingy on such an intimate level & has potential to become obsessed due to the short amount of time & her feeling this way. she may be one of those people suffering from a lack of a father figure & attaches herself to an older man for that reason.

 

if i were you i wouldnt go any further with this just b/c it makes you feel uncomfortable & having a daughter like 3 yrs younger is not only weirding you out but will def weird out your daughter. id be pissed if my mom & dad split & one of them dated someone around my age. think about this thoughly. her parents arent going to allow this. & having parents that dont approve w/ the person youre dating is hell! so id just stop communicating with her. the more youre around the more shell contact you & the more she'll get attached...then thats when stuff starts getting scary......

 

goodluck.

 

-DG724

[melrich]

An 18 year age gap, particularly 20 to 38 I think would be difficult (not impossible) to make work.

 

You say she is mature etc but I think in your post you also say she says she's in love with you despite not having met you? I think that probably says something about her maturity to me.

 

I guess you could arrange to meet her and see if things click but I think you are right to be concerned about the age gap and I would be cautious. My partner is 11 years younger than I am and we do have lots of issues because of it. Her "growing up" culture was completely different to mine and we have had to really work at things. In your case your are in a whole other generation.

[DN]

where do you live and where does she live? Not exact addresses of course, but approx.

[DragonGirl724]

i was always a mature teen & most tell me im very mature on some things as a 21 yr old. BUT despite that an 18 yr old is an 18 yr old. they lack experience they have a diff mind set as does a 21 yr old girl w/ a 38 yr old man. an 18 yr old is going to proms, 38 yr olds are going to parent teacher conferences. its just too much of a gap.

 

-DG724

[HajiMaji]

To sorta expand on what dragon girl said, id like to bring up this "clingy" issue.

 

Just because someone says they love you and want to grow old with you doesnt really mean they want to. All it means is they wanted to say those words. Maybe some people really mean it, but some people definitely say it to feel secure because deep down they are insecure.

 

I reall dont mean to judge, but after such small contact she has already prepared to dedicate her life to you. Thats an extreme i think.

 

I am 20. If i went to a dating site and saw a really cool 38 year old i wanted to get involved with, id be down to see her in person. I wouldnt be down for saying i love her or i would grow old with her.. I mean, maybe ya know, but she seems like she is carelessly throwing this idea around, when its the most important thing to take care of.

 

Thats the problem. Regardless of the age, the situation seems a little shakey due to the whole clingy issue.

 

I know this isnt stuff ya wanted advice about, im just speakin my mind man. And as always - much support.

[colbey]

where do you live and where does she live? Not exact addresses of course, but approx.

 

first of all..thank you all for the VERY QUICK response.

 

i'm in michigan, she's in southern california.

 

to correct things..sorry if was not clear. She is 19 and I'm 38. will be 20 in April

 

tho we have not met, we have seen each other on "cam".

[DragonGirl724]

i still think its kinda crazy & not to mention itll piss off your daughter & the distance is rediculous. id just let it go. you dont have to even say anything. just erase her from your online messengers. personally i dont see this going anywhere but downhill if you keep in contact with her. she sounds very impulsive & may get all weird on you. "what you dont love me???" "you dont want to spend forever with me??" bla bla bla...dude, id let it go if i were you. what good can come out of this, really...?

 

-DG724

[melrich]

I must admit I did not know why DN asked for your approximate locations but I get his point now. If you were to try and have a relationship with this girl it would mean one of you making a major move.

 

Given all the odds I think would be against this relationship working longterm it may be difficult for you to make that commitment. I don't otally agree with Dragongirls stridency about the potential of this relationship but on balance (and remember we only know what you tell us) I get the feeling that you should probably cut your losses on this one before it goes too far and people get hurt.

[colbey]

Once again, thank you all for the quick response.

 

I have given you all information as accurately and "securely" as I can. As it looks, it turns out..(correct me if I'm wrong), but the AGE is not the major issue here, but the level of maturity then. The "clingy" thing IS kind of intimidating, even for me, I admit that. The distance can be accommodated. One reason why I considered going through a dating sight with women in California is because I will be moving there eventually sometime this year. As for my daughter, well, she lives in Texas with her Mom and Step dad. We are not that close. The only reason why I mentioned her was to elaborate the significance of the "age gap" to me. That...this girl IS young enough to be my daughter. While going through this whole forum (age gap), it would seem that some relationships do work and some do not. Frankly speaking, I was hoping to get some encouragement. Ironically, I did not. But you are all correct in the assumption that lives will get hurt if this does not work out properly. My life, career, everything is planned, hers...well...I guess (for now) she's planning it around mine.

 

I appreciate all your efforts, and your advice(s) will not go down to waste.

[DragonGirl724]

colbey,

 

its good youre taking in what we're all saying. its just that my friend who is 24 is dating errr...dated...a 'mature' 17 going on 18 yr old. & i told him the girl may be mature & smart etc but shes gonna want to breakup. shes gonna want to experience life & be with her friends. she is going to lose interest & fast b/c she is young & this is what young people go through. we all as humans need experience in life. that only comes with time. we live & we learn. he denied it...and he IMed me today & said 'you were right, she told me today she needs to live it up more & needs to spend her time with her friends & figuring out what she wants. & wants to be able to date other people.'

 

mature or not. we all learn about what we want by experience. she hasnt experienced 1/2 the things in life as you have. its important to let her find herself & grow as a person. love at 18 is more than likely going to differ from love at 28. what i wanted at 18 is sure as hell not what i want now. and what i thought i wanted at 20 isnt what i want at 21. and the same goes for about 95%, if not more, of all people i know.

 

....something to think about.

 

-DG724

[San123]

Ok well being in a relationship with someone who is 15 years older it is VERY hard. She may feel like the age issue is not a big deal now, but that could very well change in a year or so... when she finally realizes the fact that when she's 30 you will be 50 etc. She also may want to go through a partying stage and have fun, while you are probably not into that. Also, the clingy thing is pretty right, she also may be attracted to you as in a fatherly figure way (no offense) but that was partially my attraction to my b/f. I just think concerning your situation, I would be cautious and don't rush into things or get too attached, because as she matures even more, her perspective could very well change and you could be left heart broken. One other thing, if my father were to be with someone just a few years older than me, I don't think I would be very happy. You are right in worrying about what your 15 year old daughter will think, because I doubt she will have a great reaction to it. But every situation is different, so who knows!

[amtheredoingthat]

OK, this one sets me off a bit (struck a chord, I guess)... because I've heard the same line from my stand-offish older man. The "I know what's best for you" attitude, as if the younger woman cannot decide for herself whether or not she wants to be in this relationship.

 

Honestly? I think that's a cop-out phrase for the fears the older man feels regarding insecurity. Because the REAL issue here is YOU are afraid that she will leave you (NOT her well-being). Saying you are concerned about her just makes you a step closer to being righteous (as well as fearful).

 

The truth is she IS capable of making her own decisions (and her own mistakes) just as YOU are. She's not leaving YOU because it would be for YOUR own good, is she? No... because she's confident you won't leave her, and she's also not about to tell you what to do.

 

I almost can't believe I'm going to say this (because it's like asking my boyfriend to leave me... again...), but if you are truly THAT uncomfortable about the age difference, and you are going to be constantly anxious about the situation, I'd cut if off now. She needs you to be IN this relationship, and if you have that much insecurity about it now, you won't be there for her. And you'll be in constant agony. It'll be a bad scene. And trust... nothing will make you feel more "confident" in the situation... except you changing your way of thinking big time... not an easy thing to do.

 

If you decide, on the other hand, that you love her and you do want to give it a go, then you MUST let go of the distrust and accept that she loves you and wants to be with you... otherwise neither of you will be completely happy.

 

I'd say there's the further issue of her age... 19 is young... not very experienced, and she MAY be missing out later and regret her actions... it all depends on her personal maturity level (and only YOU know what that is).

 

I'm not called "i'mtheredoingthat" for nothing. Now, if I could only take my own advice...

[peanut15]

Age and level of maturity does go hand in hand usually. Our priorities and feeling about life change at a certain age and I'm beginning to see it now when I hit my 30s. I know a lot of people in their teens and 20s would argue with me on and on about it and tell me "I'm a mature 19 or 20-some year old"...whatever, the point is to all of this....there are things that you have experienced that she is years and years from. The "clingy" comments she has made to you have also really shown her level of maturity when it comes to relationships. You have never met but she said she's in love with you and she can see herself grow old with you. Maybe she's just in love with the idea of you but not really you. I think that it would really hit home for her if she were to ever meet your daughter and realize, "OMG she's like the people I hang out with".

 

I dont think it would really work for you as I think you need someone a bit older. For me, if I were single (I'm not but if I were) I think an 8 year gap would be the limit for me. Think about it this way...when your daughter was born, she was 3-4 years old.