Relationship Issues Post-Marrage

[JamToast]

I'm completely new here and have come for some advice.

 

I am 36, male, I've been married before and have had a number of relationships over the years. I also have two perfect little boys aged 5 and 7.

 

After my marriage failed and I found a place to live and settle (I left her the house, the kids, everything) I started dating after a little while and found the process pretty easy overall. When I'd had a bunch of dates, I found someone that I really fancied and she seemed really 'interesting'. I tend to go for people that haven't had a perfect past, possibly because I didn't, or because I like to look after people.

 

Anyway, she told me after a few months that she has borderline personality disorder and had quite a difficult past. I wanted to push though all that stuff with the idea that I can make things better for her (I've a pretty good job / salary). And besides, I really liked her!

 

Loads and loads of things have happened over the past 14 months - nothing too horrendous, just differences in how with deal with intimacy. I don't want to go into details since this is the internet and very public.

 

We're at the point now where she seems pissed off at almost everything I do. It's exacerbated when my kids are visiting. When they're here she sometimes joins us on days out and is delightful, but most of the time she locks herself in our bedroom and is constantly moody.

 

It's hard because she tells me that I'm the "love of her life" and in the same breath can be quite mean. I don't really know what to do to be honest. When she's happy, she's really fun and I like spending time with her. When she's moody, I find it really, really hard.

 

Can people get better from BPD? Do you think things will always be like this?

 

I really don't want to have another failed relationship. I want to be happy with someone that's cheerful.

[mhowe]

You picked the wrong woman.

 

Why on earth is she around your children?

[Fudgie]

No, they don't get better. You're in for a long, long road. I've known a few diagnosed BPDers and I've always been burned by them. You think they are reformed, and maybe they are for a bit, but then they just get manipulative, backstabby and crazy again. Nope, nope, nope. Been there, done that. Hindsight is 20/20: next time someone tells you that they have BPD, you turn your butt around, politely excuse yourself, and get out of there before they can hurt you.

 

It's not about being cheerful, it's about being with someone who isn't hard wired to ruin your life.

 

Which is worse, having another failed relationship (and maybe a better one in the future?) or to stay with someone who makes you miserable?

[JamToast]

She's never been mean to my kids.

[mhowe]

She is pissed off around them, isolates herself to demand attention and they see her moods.

[JamToast]

Thing is, she doesn't want attention when she shuts herself away. If I try and talk to her she says it's a bad time because the kids are around. So I just leave her to it.

[mhowe]

Thing is, she doesn't want attention when she shuts herself away. If I try and talk to her she says it's a bad time because the kids are around. So I just leave her to it.

 

Then I ask again, why is her moody little self around your kids. If you have them, them deserve your undivided attention, especially at their ages.

 

By shutting herself away, she is causing you to cater to her.

[Fudgie]

Then I ask again, why is her moody little self around your kids. If you have them, them deserve your undivided attention, especially at their ages.

 

By shutting herself away, she is causing you to cater to her.

 

Exactly. You get upset when she gets moody and you fuss over her and she loves it.

 

Interesting how it happens when your kids are around. I think she doesn't like not being the center of attention, so she throws a hissy fit and gets all moody. She may not be mean to your kids directly but this is inappropriate behavior on her part.

 

Don't tolerate her BPD s__t. Next time she does that, ignore her completely. Let her sit and sulk in her room. Don't go in and ask her how she is, don't ask her to come out, don't do ANYTHING. You'll probably get some crap later ("I feel abandoned") but tell her "Sorry, you were being moody so I left you alone and focused on my kids. My kids come first."

[JamToast]

Exactly. You get upset when she gets moody and you fuss over her and she loves it.

 

Interesting how it happens when your kids are around. I think she doesn't like not being the center of attention, so she throws a hissy fit and gets all moody. She may not be mean to your kids directly but this is inappropriate behavior on her part.

 

Don't tolerate her BPD s__t. Next time she does that, ignore her completely. Let her sit and sulk in her room. Don't go in and ask her how she is, don't ask her to come out, don't do ANYTHING. You'll probably get some crap later ("I feel abandoned") but tell her "Sorry, you were being moody so I left you alone and focused on my kids. My kids come first."

That's exactly what I'm doing this weekend. Just leaving her to it.

[Fudgie]

See what happens. Don't cater her, offer her things, etc. Just leave her alone, be polite but distant.

 

I really think you will get some reaction later, either in the form of her saying that you're being mean/distant/abandoning, or maybe she will "snap out of it" and come out and either cheer up OR will sulk publicly to get attention. If the latter happens, ignore ignore ignore.

[JamToast]

So you feel it's an attention thing? She's like it sometimes when the kids aren't around too, so not just relating to them

[Fudgie]

I think it's an attention thing, yes.

[James516]

Borderline Personality Disorder does not change, does not respond to therapy, there are no medications for it and people with it are highly manipulative. Also, the person can be amazingly sweet one moment and lash out the next usually whenever something doesn't go their way, no matter how slight. This will never change. It is clear from your post that you will never change either - that you go for this sort of thing and are very naive in wanting to magically rescue her from this and will continue making excuses for her or her behavior. That's your choice.

However, mhowe states the most important point - she should not be around your kids. Period. Kids are receptive of everything, even when a parent wants to pretend all is hidden. Do you understand that? The kids should not have to suffer due to the situation you have put them in just so you "don't have another failed relationship."

[SooSad33]

Yes, things will most likely remain this way. Sure, there's med's to 'help' but it doesn't make it go away. Have you done research on BPD?

 

I'm curious as to WHY she is now living with you only after 14 months? You've been thru 'many' relationships, including a Divorce?

Maybe you should mention to back up some and you two remain on your own turf, where you're not always in each other's space & face?

 

I dated a guy for 5 yrs. he never moved in with me. dont understand why people have to 'rush' into a relationship so fast, to the point they have to have their partner 'live' with them so quickly... without getting to know them more, first.

[notalady]

I tend to go for people that haven't had a perfect past, possibly because I didn't, or because I like to look after people.

 

I really don't want to have another failed relationship. I want to be happy with someone that's cheerful.

 

Then you need to start dating people who are well balanced, happy and compatible with you. They either are or aren't, there's no changing that. You can't save them or look after them or change them if they have issues, mentally or emotionally or personality wise.

 

 

As others stated, she won't change. You're looking at another rocky marriage if you go down that path.