Im suffering

[Maritsou]

Hi, I hope someone will read this and give me some advice or help.

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 9 months now. Up until a month now everything was really beautiful even though we had of course departed from the honeymoon phase. The feeling of how I fell in love with him and our relationship was enough for me. We even stayed together for a short time before he moved into his new flat and it was just effortlessly beautiful. I met his mum who fell in love with me it was quite cute. I should mention that her son is an ex pot head and ex drugie. It's been more than 10 years now but I felt that his mum was ecstatic that he met a nice girl. Anyway, he always made me feel precious and wanted. He never ever commented on anything on my appearance or put me down. When he introduced me to his friends it was so cute how he would hold my hand and everything about his body language was suggesting he was so proud that I was with him. In other words I always felt wanted and I never doubted how much he wanted to be with me. We went on holidays together after 2-3 months and then he went together to my home country for holidays recently and made plans for the future. I was over the moon because even though we are quite different we made it work and we were just on the same page. It meant a lot to me that he never made a problem out of the fact that I am an actor and I have to kiss or be physically close to other people.

 

Before I move on to what happened to shake us up so much that I am really suffering is that I am a very dominant and bossy person. I will push and push like my life depends on it in an argument. If you are in an argument with me I will make you go down. Not just an argument just about anything, I can be extremely manipulative and make him trip and fall on his own words. I know it is not good but I should mention it. Also because I grew up with a sociopathic father, I have a very heightened awareness of other people and what they say and think and I can sense them. This has caused him many times to feel suffocated because I can see right through him and he feels like I keep putting rings on him. He is a very relaxed and easy going person and rarely would hold a grudge. In other words generally in our relationship I had the upper hand.

 

What happened was that as we were in our lovey dovey phase I realized that he was texting with his ex!!! He never told me anything like that. The texts were pretty much pointless, she kept initiating conversation and he was going along. There was not any flirting of any sort. What killed me as that he lied to me about who that was and I found out myself who it was. I almost broke up with him for lying and insulting my intelligence. He was crying and no no no and you are the best thing in my life and bla bla bla. He said he didn't want to say because he knew I would flip out. True but honesty is still the best policy because actually lying just blew up in his face. She was asking him if he had a girlfriend and he kept insisting that he doesn't want to tell her. That made me feel like absolute crap. He said because he doesn't want to be giving her details of his life and where hes at etc etc. I get that as I didn't tell my ex I have moved on but if he asked I would tell him. They broke up 3.5 years ago after a very destructive 3 year relationship. After telling him that theres no way on earth I will stay with him if he doesn't tell her, he told her. Then I made him promise that he wont talk to her again. Of course, he lied again. I broke up with him and again he was crying and I'm sorry and I just like to choose for myself what I do and again the texts had nothing dodgy but it was obvious that she was pushing. She was telling him that she is planning to come to our city and to that he just said yes theres a lot of cheap tickets around. Anyway he kept saying he wants to be with me and anyway I never doubted that but I needed him to step up and fix my broken trust from the lies and get her out of the picture.

I was suffering for weeks waking up and feeling so unhappy like we were so happy and he did this and broke my trust. He promised he would never lie again and would show me any message she sent and that he would ignore her. I felt that he was serious I just did. So it happened, she kept pushing and texting and asking why he is ignoring her. He did a lot to gain my trust like sending me his location on whatsapp when I got insecure or not opening her messages until he met me to prove to me that he did not reply and delete the messages etc etc. Then she was too pushy so I told him to reply and tell her to stop it. After he did I kept fighting with him because I was not happy that he told her that I had a problem with them talking. He flipped and told me that no one in his life ever made him not talk to someone and that for him it was like a friend and that for me he did exactly everything that I told him and that I am still not happy. He was really mean and said that I only wanted him to do that to satisfy my ego which hurt to hear because it was not true. He completely denied breaking my trust and said that I am bossy and that was the reason he lied to begin with. He said he has done more than a lot to show me he wants me and that I shouldn't care if he was talking to his ex who is like a friend.

I got really offended and hurt because she made it obvious that she was not happy that he has a girlfriend and he kept ignoring that. He is not willing to accept that she wanted something more and that he broke my trust. I am not willing to accept that I should have not forced him to stop talking to her the way I did. I do not know how we can move forward. We are both suffering and it is really pointless. I know how much he wants to be with me but I have so much resentment towards him and he does towards me for bossing him around. I don't know what to do

I actually keep thinking of ways to emotionally bully him and hurt him. It is becoming like a chain reaction. I know I shouldn't have been so tight to the point of having him show me all the messages and tell me everything and tell him what to do step by step he said I am like his mum!! I know I can be over powering and very dominant. It is just very sad. Somehow with all my boyfriend I have this twisted ability to make them really fall for me because I can be extremely charming and then once I know I have them I really cross the line and make them resent me by being bossy etc.

He keeps saying that I should have let him deal with it himself and that he would have stopped talking the way he chose to and tell her when he felt it was right. It hurt me that he felt bad over telling her to stop talking even though I know that it doesn't mean he wants her, it just means he has a good heart. Also I should mention that I become very crude once I break up with someone I cute them out of my life and I literally don't care. So I would have no problem to tell an ex to back off but I guess he is more soft hearted. He also said that even if we broke up and he had a new girlfriend he wouldn't want me to know because he would still want to keep me in his life and talk to me like with his ex. And he would know that if he told me that he has a new girlfriend it would be weird and maybe I would stop talking to him.

I am really scared that he is so pissed and resentful that he will break up with me and even if he doesn't I will drive him to that by feeling so insecure and resentful towards him.

Am I overreacting??? Can someone see his side too? Can someone who does help me see his side too?

Thank you so much for reading all this xx

[blanco]

You threw in this part as if it were just an irrelevant aside, but I think this is much more important than anything else you talk about in your post. Being in a relationship with someone who MUST be right about EVERYTHING is unbearable for most people. At best, the other person can gut it out for a while, but the best case scenario for that person is being an emasculated yes-man who lives in perpetual fear of upsetting The Boss.

 

I would suggest you take some steps to altering this deeply-rooted trait of yours. You may feel it's just part of who you are, but I can assure you that it will make having a genuinely healthy relationship a challenge.

[surfdiva]

"I actually keep thinking of ways to emotionally bully him and hurt him"

 

What in the world? Why would you do this if you want to have a relationship with this man?

[blanco]

Let's look at some of the facts here:

 

He said he didn't want to say because he knew I would flip out. True but honesty is still the best policy because actually lying just blew up in his face.

 

So basically, he was damned either way.

 

Then I made him promise that he wont talk to her again.

 

A very slippery slope. Unless this girl has made passes at your boyfriend, it's not your place to give your boyfriend an ultimatum that makes him choose between you and cutting off communication with someone.

 

Then she was too pushy so I told him to reply and tell her to stop it. After he did I kept fighting with him because I was not happy that he told her that I had a problem with them talking.

 

This right here makes me think this is about more than your boyfriend talking to his ex. To this point, he was doing what you asked, no wait, TOLD HIM, to do. And even then, you admit that you kept fighting with him!

 

He did a lot to gain my trust like sending me his location on whatsapp when I got insecure or not opening her messages until he met me to prove to me that he did not reply and delete the messages etc etc.

 

Oh_my_gawd. If this was expected of me by my girlfriend, she would not be my girlfriend. Who wants to be with someone who makes them feel like they are wearing an electronic monitoring device?

 

He flipped and told me that no one in his life ever made him not talk to someone and that for him it was like a friend and that for me he did exactly everything that I told him and that I am still not happy. He was really mean and said that I only wanted him to do that to satisfy my ego which hurt to hear because it was not true.

 

He wasn't mean. He was stating facts. He did exactly what you asked him to do and it still wasn't good enough!

 

He completely denied breaking my trust and said that I am bossy and that was the reason he lied to begin with.

 

I can relate to this. I had a girlfriend who I eventually wound up telling white lies to occasionally because I knew the alternative was her demeaning me and holding onto it as leverage in future arguments. I never felt this way in the beginning, but when it was clear that she had to always be right and that she had trouble letting anything go, I felt almost forced to be a bit dishonest about small things just to keep the peace.

 

Somehow with all my boyfriend I have this twisted ability to make them really fall for me because I can be extremely charming and then once I know I have them I really cross the line and make them resent me by being bossy etc.

 

Again, I think this is more about you than your boyfriend. You have some serious control issues. Relationships to you sound like they're about keeping score and a constant power struggle. You are more concerned with "winning" and having the upper hand than you are having a healthy, fulfilling relationship.

 

I actually keep thinking of ways to emotionally bully him and hurt him. It is becoming like a chain reaction.

 

Wow. Just let this poor guy go. That's my advice to you. You sound manipulative and like you prey on the doting, laid-back sort of guy.

 

Also I should mention that I become very crude once I break up with someone I cute them out of my life and I literally don't care. So I would have no problem to tell an ex to back off but I guess he is more soft hearted.

 

You sound emotionally unavailable. I would read about attachment theory. You sound like you're an avoidant type. You want that human connection that comes with a relationship, but you're guarded because of your past (most likely your upbringing with your father), and so you find ways to sabotage all of your relationships.

[origami]

Do you have friends in healthy relationships? start by looking at them and ask specific questions to one of them.

[j.man]

I think it's safe to say no man should be in a relationship with you.

[Capricorn3]

I can only strongly advise professional counseling/therapy to help you overcome all your issues.

[JustWishing]

Besides that I think you are a little on the pushy side I also have to say that if he really loved you, he would have stopped talking to his ex a long time ago. There is no reason for him to have his ex around when he is in a relationship with you...unless he has small kids with her. But apparently this is not the case. My advice to you is to move on and find someone you are more compatible with.

[bulletproof]

For his part, if he truly just wanted a friendship with his ex, he'd be honest with her and tell her about you from the beginning.

For your part, if you are in a relationship and looking in someone's phone, checking up on him, etc., then it's already over.

There's no trust, and he's resentful. Not sure you can or should get over those things.

 

I do think that overall, you probably should learn not to "flip out" over things like this, with anyone. You make a choice when you decide to be in a relationship. That means dealing with the bad parts like a grownup. Nobody's life was at stake, and I think flipping out, along with all the other drama from both parties, is a bit over the top.

[ParisPaulette]

I'm just gonna cut to the chase here, this whole thing was a toxic mess. You both did wrong in so many ways, you are both so bad for each other it's time to simply walk away. You both bring out the worst in each other, he can't stop talking to his ex and you can't stop obsessing about him doing so and on and on and on it goes.

 

And all this drama in under a year of being together? No way man, just no way that's even close to worth it. Sometimes we think we love someone and they just turn out to bring the very worst out in us and vice versa. And those relationships need to be ended, and fast.

 

And the reason I say this is he has no boundaries and was staying in touch with an ex who was clearly, clearly not interested in just being a friend. And you have been reduced to being his mom and jailer all rolled into one. I'm a mom and a kind of paranoid one at that about predators on the Internet, and I don't even and never did make my kids jump through the hoops you've had this guy jumping. And you feeling you want to emotionally bully him and your own issues with control is a red flag-a massive one.

[benjaza]

Your ego bigger than the sun!

 

Your post is full of selfishness, hurt and lack of self realisation.

 

Life's gonna give you some good lessons. It's already started.

 

You probably won't even hear this.

 

Be nicer, stop controlling, stop manipulating, stop talking about him like he's a dog! Ring?

 

"If you are in an argument with me I will make you go down?" Apparently not!!!!

 

Are you serious?

 

People who think like you suffer and either learn the hard way or end up fighting with their ego and can't ever let go of themselves!

 

Anyways, good luck with life.

[Maritsou]

Blanco, you are awesome!! You completely dissected me and you are right in everything you say.. Actually I am insecurely attached not unavailable. It makes me happy that you say that unless she made passes at him that I shouldn't be giving an ultimatum. I know most has to do with being brought up by a sociopathic father. Something very similar happened in my old relationship where I would actually make him cry. Haha, it is not like I prey on the laid back guy, I did not know he was laid back until I met him but yes I guess you can say I do that by sensing if the other person is a nice guy. You are absolutely right that everything is a power struggle for me I am always on guard that the other person is out to destroy me and maybe I end up destroying them before they get a chance to. You are really awesome though in your observations!!

[Maritsou]

I think it's safe to say no man should be in a relationship with you.

 

haha you made me laugh because that is what my mum says

[Maritsou]

Do you have friends in healthy relationships? start by looking at them and ask specific questions to one of them.

 

Actually I do and when I talk to them they try and help me put things in perspective but the thing is they never really know how horrible I can be in my relationships because they are not there to see it.. and because they are my friends and with my friends I am really loving and understanding, they can't really grasp how horrible I can get in relationships..