Please help!

[RedBirds]

Hi there. I'm not sure if I'm in the right section of this forum but I need some advice about what to do, and if we made the right choices. I'm sorry in advance for the long post! My husband (26) and I (25) have been married almost two years - our anniversary is coming up in a couple days. We have been together for 6 years. Before last year, we were on and off again long distance. We met online (video games) and chatted for about 7 months before I flew out (I'm Canadian he's American) to meet him and stayed for a week. We hit it off, even though I was hesitant that he was still talking to his ex (she drunk called him while I was there crying since he was ignoring her even though he said he wouldn't), but I got over it. The week went really well and we decided to continue long distance. We did that for about 2 1/2 more years, and we'd visit for a month or two a couple times a year. In 2011 he moved up closer to me, near the border in the US and I'd visit him every weekend, and we got engaged. In 2012 I moved there for 9 months to go to school and we lived together. We had our fair share of fights back then, and I remember being very frustrated with his lack of desire to clean the house and do the chores, but we were still happy together. I was nervous about marrying him, but we decided we needed to get married in order to start the immigration process.

 

Flash forward to now. We got married two years ago, but we couldn't live together right away. We didn't have a ton of money, so we didn't have a huge wedding or a honeymoon (which didn't matter to me) and it was just my family at the wedding. He stayed for a couple days after, then went back home. It took 8 months after our marriage in order to get his residency, and during that time he worked in the states and I finished up my teaching degree. In August, he came up here and lived with me and my parents for a couple months. They were never thrilled with my choices, as they thought he was unmotivated and lazy - which I didn't agree with, I loved him and was happy with him. He didn't have any money saved from his time in the States, so I was supporting him. I got onto the supply list as a teacher, and I had a second job that I worked evenings and saturdays so I was doing okay for myself, and I had a decent amount saved from before. We moved out in September, and he found two jobs, and we were doing great. Then, a month later, he decided he wanted to get into school as he had never finished University, and wanted a degree, so he enrolled in some online courses. He got pretty stressed with the courses and the two jobs so he quit one of the jobs (the part time one) to focus on his courses.

 

Then, in the winter, everything started going downhill. He started playing video games more and more often (he always played, but not too much), we fought because he never proactively did anything around the house. He would wake up 5 minutes before he had to leave for work, leave the house a mess, come home, play video games for a couple hours then go to sleep. He constantly complained about how stressful his job was, and how much he hated it - he would only talk to me about that, or about his video games. We stopped sleeping together, and he later told me he didn't even know how to pleasure me in bed and didn't think it mattered in the end - he thought I was enjoying it. I would just lie there and let him fumble around like a teenage boy. I asked him multiple times to talk to me, or do some research, and I tried to explain what I liked but he would always clam up and get embarrassed. He was so depressed and stressed about his job that in June I said I was okay if he quit the retail job and he could just focus on his online courses and housework over the summer, while I worked full time to support us. He agreed that he liked that idea.

 

During the summer he would cook dinner for us, but he hardly did any of the housework. If I asked him in the morning "would you scoop the cat litter"? I'd either come home to two things: it wouldn't be scooped, nothing would be done, and he'd have been playing video games all day. or, it would be scooped, but the bag would be on the floor or outside right by the door, and the litter all over the floor wouldn't be swept up. That would have been all he did, and he'd be playing video games. I would get so angry at him I would yell and do a stress clean of the whole house as it was a huge mess with rotting food in the fridge and garbage everywhere. I found out in August he never even finished one unit of his online course - he was depressed and anxious so he would just play video games. He started taking meds for his anxiety in May and I thought it was working, as he told me it was, but apparently he was also supposed to see a therapist which he wasn't doing.

 

By this point I felt like I had had enough - I was tired of his excuses and his desire to only play video games. He kept promising me things but never following through with them. Like cleaning, or making me feel like he cared about me at all or contribute at all to the relationship. I paid all the bills, his credit card - he didn't even know when it was due and would never tell me the amount on it, even after asking him 3 times, because he was too lazy to log in and check. I had to do it for him. He wouldn't make friends, and would get mad at me if I went out with friends. He said he really wanted to go to the gym and get fit, so I bought him a gym membership. He would go once every two weeks then get mad if I mentioned that he wasn't going enough to validate the membership. I didn't care if he was fit, but if you say you're going to do something, then do it!

 

So I gave him an ultimatum: quit the video games and start being an equal partner to me and show me that our marriage is more important than your games. Get a job if you aren't going to work on your courses, show me you're responsible. He didn't get a job. My mom had to kick his butt into gear to finally start looking for jobs. I'd come home and he'd have played video games all day, not cleaned or done anything. We fought every night and I cried and cried and he cried and then he'd claim I don't support him enough and that I'm just a huge nag. I felt like his mother, and like he was my child. But still I wanted it to work because I loved him, this wasn't who he was before and I knew he had more potential. So I kept fighting, and he kept refusing. I guess he didn't see my fighting was my support for him, that if I didn't care I would have given up. Two weeks ago he decided that he should start new with me, and was tired of the fighting, so he quit his job that he had just gotten (before going in at all), and flew back home to live with his brother and work on fixing himself. So we're back to long distance, and we're still just fighting over texts. I see online that he's just playing video games all day, and he says it's because what else can he do? He has no money, and he's still trying to find a job - he says he has one pretty much "in the bag" and has one last interview to go to.

 

So, what should I do? Continue the relationship and hope he'll change? He says he doesn't feel like he can change because I don't give him any affection and support. That I'm not interested in him anymore, which is kind of true because I've been met time and time again with him failing and giving up and not trying enough. He never showed me any affection, and now he's saying he won't change until I forgive the last 8 months and start showing him the affection he wants.

Or should I just cut my losses and make a clean break, and end it now. Part of me wants to say this was his last chance, and just move on and be free and by myself, but another part of me wants to run away with him and just try again, hoping it got through to him this time.

 

Thanks in advance, and sorry for the wall of text.

[mhowe]

File for divorce. He is a boy, not a man. He isn't anxious, depressed or anything else but lazy.

 

Nothing has gotten through to him. He came to Canada with no money --- barely contributed....opted for school but never took the courses. He was a gamer when you met him, and now he is mooching off his brother.

 

He hasn't changed one bit. This is him. He has no potential.

[RedBirds]

File for divorce. He is a boy, not a man. He isn't anxious, depressed or anything else but lazy.

 

Nothing has gotten through to him. He came to Canada with no money --- barely contributed....opted for school but never took the courses. He was a gamer when you met him, and now he is mooching off his brother.

 

He hasn't changed one bit. This is him. He has no potential.

 

Thank you mhowe. I guess I've been holding on because I am nervous about being alone, and I was worried that maybe I could have been more supportive of his issues, and I don't want to hurt him too much. He does have a history of that in his family. What makes me so angry is that he is still believing that it is either half and half his fault and mine, or mostly my fault. He never sees his own issues.

[sleepingdonut]

I don't really believe there's such a thing as lazy. It's always a symptom of an underlying fear. The real problem is he's afraid (of one thing, many things, hard to say), and either he doesn't want to face those fears or he isn't fully aware that they're what's controlling the negative path his life is on. One way or another, he's going to have to face them if he wants to change. Unfortunately, you can't make him have courage in those things.

 

Only you can decide if it's time to throw in the towel. But chances are he won't fix himself until he hits rock bottom, which means you'll probably have to leave him first.

[WithLove]

I feel like I'm reading about my first relationship.

 

I broke up with him after 3 years of this exact thing. It's the best thing I ever did.

[mhowe]

You are already alone --- you were alone when he came up to Canada!

 

What issues --- he is lazy and unmotivated. He hasn't matured past 14 yrs old.

 

You aren't going to change him --- this is who he is and he sees nothing wrong with it.

[RedBirds]

Thanks everyone. I think maybe I've been feeling like holding on simply because of the amount of time we've been together. Maybe the serious break and no-contact will help him move on with his life and get himself straightened out. At least he's with his brother now and not alone.

[melancholy123]

Looks like your parents were right! Lazy and unmotivated. Big mistake marrying him, but you can undo that by getting a much needed divorce.

 

This guy is a big immature kid. Gaming all day long, feeding you BS about online classes and how everything that's wrong is your fault.. Be glad he's gone back to the States. Dont worry so much about him it's time to think about YOU. Cut your losses and get free of him and move on.

[92151794]

Totally agree with Sleepingdonut I don't think he's gonna change you have to decide if your gonna wait and see if he does. Or divorce him and find someone more motivated. Best of luck.

[shellyf62]

How much longer are you willing to put up with his excuses? You have supported him, listened to his whining, seen the messy house cos he cant be bothered to clean it.

 

Divorce him, he is a child!!!

[catfeeder]

You're nervous about being alone, but have you ever been more alone than when he's ignoring you to play his games? You're concerned about the time you've invested, but you won't get any wasted time back again for do-overs, so why waste more of it?

 

You don't want to hurt him, but what has he done, exactly, to turn this ship around?

 

You don't need to initiate divorce unless and until you're ready, but at least see a lawyer about whether a legal separation will protect you from any further debt incurred by this guy. He's not paying his bills, and you don't need your credit harmed just because you don't want to hurt his feelings.

 

Head high, and move forward.