My mother has hit me AGAIN, tired of this

[Lovelavie]

Anyone who reads my past posts can see my mom is not a normal person. I have accepted that I don't and never will have a healthy relationship with her. She is the only person in my life I cannot absolutely get along with. I've had boyfriends, break ups and nothing ever made me suffer as much as my mom made me in all these years. I have told her she is the only person I cannot get along with and she simply can't accept that.

 

Today, my dad said they wanted to talk with us (my brother and I). We sat down at the living room, and she started talking to me first, saying how I was spending too much time on the phone (honestly it happened twice, I've had cell phone for years). That was the main subject and I couldn't believe it. First, I try to save up money anyway I can. I was working a few months ago and I quit because I'm in my last year of college and things were getting really crazy, so I talked to them and they said it was ok for me to quit. At the time, I thought it would be ok, because they KNOW I'm not earning any money at the moment. Second, I lead a healthy life style for 4 years now. I go to the gym everyday and I try to eat as healthy as I can. My mother never supported that, instead, she buys junk food for my brother and my dad, "normal" food for her, barely ever buys vegetables, grains and other healthy stuff I like to consume, so I go to the market every week and buy my own stuff. Now she just told me I'm prohibited of going to the market and I have to eat what's in the house and I told her I don't approve of junk food and I don't want to eat it, she then replied: well starve then.

 

Honestly! If I had known they would be like this I would never had quit my job. I would have a hell of a stressful life but I would keep my health in check. She laughs at me when I say I want to have a healthy life style. What the heck? What kind of parent does that? I can't buy clothes, I can't go out to eat every once in a while, and now I can't go to the market to buy FOOD? What's next? I can't take showers because it wastes water?

 

I don't want to mooch off them I just want the basics until I finish college and get a job, and even then I wouldn't be earning enough money to take care of all the expenses just yet. I'm investing on my studies because I want to get out of this house as fast as I can and never have to come back. Well, all I know is that our conversation escalated to another level. My mom doesn't have any self control and everything I would say she didn't agree she would threaten to hit me. And then she did, she punched me 4 or 5 times and pulled my hair and wouldn't let go. My dad got a hold of her and asked her to let go of me and she just wouldn't. She said she feels good hitting me, said I was going to be beaten by my boyfriend or whoever my future husband would be, said I would be very unhappy in life, she says I'm gonna get dumped my boyfriend like all the other relationships, she takes pride in saying that I've been in 3 other relationships and they didn't work out like it's going to affect me when I'm in fact the happiest I've ever been in a relationship. I have grown so much, I have learned so much and none of that came from her. I'm happy with my life and it's clear in her eyes that she wished I was unhappy, that something would go wrong, but it simply doesn't, and when it does, it's not the end of the world. I don't go around hitting people and yelling at them.

 

After she let go of me, I yelled and said she couldn't hit me. She said: call the police if that's what you want, I don't care. And I swear to God, this time I almost did it. This is not the first time it happens. In fact, it has happened a lot. And if it does happen again I will not hesitate to call the police. She's so emotionally unstable it's bizarre.

 

I'm 22 years old, this is such bull. I'm not a bad person and I don't deserve this. She does nothing the whole day. The maid comes 5 days a week and she complains about washing the dishes? I stay the whole day in college and at night I go to the gym. The maid cleans the house, cooks the food, does everything and she complains about doing a little dishes on the weekend when she doesn't even work, just stays at home the whole day doing nothing!! This gets me so mad. She makes it sound like she's such a victim when in fact my dad works his a** off and all she does is complain.

 

She adds nothing positive in my life. Absolutely nothing. After 12 years of constant fights and never getting along, I can say with no regrets that I would not miss her at all. For half of my life she has made hell of it. Every person that has been to my house, friends or boyfriend has said she gives off this bad vibe, that she's in a bad mood. Would they be saying that because they're rude? I don't think so. I hate bringing people to my house and I spend the weekends at my boyfriend's house because I want as much distance from her as I can get.

[Seraphim]

Call the police. Don't give her another chance just call today.

[Lovelavie]

Oh and may I add, she has never apologised for anything. EVER. She has never said she was sorry or that she regretted what she did. Whether it's because she's being proud or because she actually believes in her mind that she is right, even though I believe it's better to be at peace than being right. I see other people (friends or from posts here) that their parents sometimes apologise for doing wrong. My dad has apologised numerous times when he was indeed wrong and so have I. But my mother, never. I wonder, how in 12 years of fighting does a parent never make a mistake towards their child?

[Seraphim]

What you have to do is call her bluff and actually call the police.

[Lovelavie]

The reason I didn't call is because I didn't want another chaos. Now it's too late but if it happens again it will be the only way out. Enough is enough.

[Seraphim]

You may have to leave there in fact it is probably best for you to just get a job right now and leave. College is not worth being abused for. You can pick up college again once you are stable financially.

[Seraphim]

The reason I didn't call is because I didn't want another chaos. Now it's too late but if it happens again it will be the only way out. Enough is enough.

 

And that's what she's counting on you're just going to maintain the status quo and not call.

[agent1607307371]

How much longer do you have left in school?

[Lovelavie]

Only 3 months and then it's over! I can't quit right now and finish later, I've already spent a lot of money on my final project to just leave it.

She makes everything so hard when things could be simple... I have so much going on in my life right now and it seems like she just wants to give me more things to worry about.

[agent1607307371]

Definitely stay in school. Start looking for jobs now though, that way you have a running jump for when you graduate.

[Seraphim]

Then finish and leave. Most likely your mother is never going to be any different than how she is today. Most likely she was treated the exact same way that she treats you. Maybe see counseling at the student center at your college as it might be helpful to you to after being treated so horribly.

[Lovelavie]

It's just so hard, I pictured myself leaving the house when I was in a good financial situation, buy a nice apartment instead of rushing things just because of her.

There are so many wrong things going on at this house I don't even know where to start.

[Seraphim]

You are going to have to make your own way. You're being treated horribly and that is God awful. But the thing is we can't stay with our parents until we are financially well-off enough to have everything we want that's not really the point. Most of us never get that opportunity. I realize that is very hard to have dreams squashed but your mother is never going to be a normal parent.

[boltnrun]

It's a bad idea to stay in an abusive household just so you can save up to buy a nice apartment.

[Lovelavie]

You're right. I'm determined to leave as soon as I can, I'll make it work somehow. I absolutely hate depending on my parents for their money.

It's actually my dad's because he's the one that works, my mom is here just to stress me out but she's still my mom and I hate it that I have to "suck it up" for now

[boltnrun]

I get it, I'm currently extremely unhappy with my living situation (living with family in a city/state I hate). Lucky for me, I have been able to save up for my own place and will be moving by the end of the month.

 

If you can have an end date set, it really helps your mindset. Maybe set a goal to get a part-time job and save up $200 per month for the next few months. Depending on where you live, $800-$1000 could be enough to get your own place. Then, when you're done with school, you can get a full time job to pay for your new place.

 

Doesn't it sound great? Your OWN place!

[Lovelavie]

I know, I want it so bad. Every time my parents throw in my face that I'm spending THEIR money just makes me want my own money as soon as possible.

I live in Brazil and things are quite expensive here in relation to the salary, but still no excuse, I'll save up some money per month like you said.

Ironically, my boyfriend helps me out financially sometimes, but if I ask my mom... it's always a no.

[journeynow]

If you are determined to stay until you are done with your studies, then you have to behave like a guest in their house, contribute how you can, and eat what you are served. If you have your own money to spend, that's different. While she is still your mother, the mother-child role is different when you are an adult yet dependent upon your parents financially.

 

She DOES contribute positively to your life by making it possible to go to school and have a roof over your head. Not all people have that. You two have a combative relationship, have had for a long time it sounds. Lay low, contribute, and be an adult. Don't be offended if they do not pay for your clothes or going out, those are on you. (They were for me from the time I was 13.) You can wait a few months until you have a job and you'll be ok.

 

When I was in college and choosing healthier eating habits it annoyed my mother also when I was at home and wanted to continue my way, and she hauled off and smacked me when I had my tea instead of hers. Yeah, I felt it was unprovoked and unreasonable, and still do not get it. When my son was in college and home for a break, he had similar change in diet, similar in that he felt he had a better way than mine, everything I bought was wrong for some reason that was new to me. When you budget a certain amount for food it is frustrating when you can't please everyone. (But I don't advocate hitting people over it!)

 

You don't get to dictate how your mom runs the household or budgets her time or what she wants to spend her time or money on. That's her choice.

 

You can focus on how bad you have it, or focus on how lucky you are for things you do have, or something in between those attitudes. We all get to choose how we handle situations we find ourselves in that we don't particularly like.

[ThatwasThen]

^^^^^ What she said!

 

If you are determined to stay until you are done with your studies, then you have to behave like a guest in their house, contribute how you can, and eat what you are served. If you have your own money to spend, that's different. While she is still your mother, the mother-child role is different when you are an adult yet dependent upon your parents financially.

Especially ^^^ this part.

 

... and of course the part about hitting. I don't condone hitting to get one's point accross either. I find that most teens learn to appreciate what they have far better when it is withheld... like cell phone privi's for a few days for instance.

 

Personally, I was thinking how good you have it, Op after you told us about the maid and how you didn't have to do chores for the necessities that you've been given. I had to earn my keep. Did I argue with my mother? Sure, but she's gone now and I'd give my last cell phone minute to be able to hear her tell me how to do it right. I hope you learn to have a good and rewarding relationship with her like I learned to be blessed with my mom.

 

Count your blessings and let go of the rest.

[Lovelavie]

Yea, that's how I've been coping with it for all these years. I live in a really nice house, in a nice neighbourhood, I have my own car, just finishing college. Honestly, there are a lot of things for me to be thankful for. However, all of this was accomplished by my father. He works the whole week and I only get to see him every few weekends. He used to have a hot temper but he does not approve of violent behaviour.

 

However, everything I do in this house seems to bother them. And I mean EVERYTHING. If there isn't something to complain about, my mom will find one. I used to be really messy when I was younger (which is normal for a teen) and that would bring up a lot of fights between us, but I've become an organised person who can't stand being in a messy room. Guess what she complains about? Me leaving my earrings and bracelets on the table after I get home from college because that way the maid "can't clean the table". Honestly?? And while it may seem like a small thing that it is, she'll make a HUGE deal out of it, she'll talk about it for days, she'll throw it in my face like I committed some kind of crime. This is just one out of many examples she finds to put me down and make me feel bad.

 

I really enjoy cooking and she hates it. So I cook my own dinner. I can never be at peace though, I'll leave a spoon aside because I'm working on another part of the food and she'll invade the space and ask if she can put the spoon in the sink. Why can't she just let me finish doing everything? Why does she have to have the final word on everything even it's a thing that should be relaxing as cooking is to me.

 

When I grew out of my teenage years our relationship got slightly better and I started thinking I was just a "rebel", but as I started working and meeting new people and learning a little bit of what it's like to be an adult, I realised how unfair she had been this whole time and still is. It's weird to think that there are so many few people who can relate to this. None of my friends, relatives or boyfriends could ever understand what I go through. I even quit going to therapy with her because I quit on her.

[ThatwasThen]

You, like your mother, benefit from your father's hard work. You, like your mother (according to you) have not contributed to the household finances either so I'm not understanding why you resent your mother for doing what you yourself find acceptable when it's you that's benefiting. Your father, who earns the money that pays your tuition and buys your cars and pays for the maid that cleans your home and clothes etc. does not resent your mother not working so you shouldn't either.

 

You sound hyper-sensitive to anything she says or does. Why do you resent her so? How does your brother and her get along?

 

Anyway: Hopefully you'll get to exercise some TRUE independence when you no longer are under their roof and you're responsible for your own bills. You'll be able to put your bracelets where you want them and one day you'll marry and have kids of your own. Just hope that you and any daughter(s) you have don't sweat the small stuff.

[Lovelavie]

I don't resent her, I just find that she complains and cares about such little stuff. Life is too short to be always upset about everything.

My brother and her don't get along either. I wake up at 8 to go to college, but sometimes I wake up with my mom yelling at my brother at 6:30 in the morning! Saying all kinds of things you can think of. That he has to change, that he has to be a better person, etc etc all of this yelling REALLY loud. (Trust me, I'm a heavy sleeper, for me to wake up with her downstairs yelling with my door closed she is indeed yelling.) They fight everyday all the time. From morning to night. She yells at him, she never talks to him in a calm voice.

 

Yeah he doesn't like to study, yeah he's not the best student, and yes he could do better for a 13 year old kid, but she's just so hard on him about everything. She's harder on him than she was on me when I was his age, so I wonder how it'll be when he's my age...

 

I don't care that she doesn't work, it's her choice. But only a year from now she has discovered that she loves to help animals. We've always had cats we picked up from the streets, I'm an animal lover also but I don't have as much time so I only go to shelter homes every once in a while, but she had even a more miserable life when she stayed at home doing nothing. I mean, when I'm on summer break or something I go crazy if I don't find anything to do, let alone not doing anything everyday of your life. I mean, it was time already to get a hobby. But that didn't change her personality, it just took her focus somewhere else.

 

My dad on the other hand, is a super nice guy, he asks about my college, asks about my life, my boyfriend... he really takes interest in my life. We had a rough patch for about 3 years but things are getting better now and before that we got along really great.

 

She has humiliated me and hit me in front of my relatives. She made me cry one time on Christmas' Eve when everyone was just laughing and having fun. Ever since my pre-teen years I have never hugged her and she has never hugged me. We never say we love each other and yes, I have tried, and I always got pushed away or got a sarcastic laugh as if I didn't mean what I said. It took me years to realise my mother emotionally abused me. I did a lot of research and wasn't surprised to find that she fits in all the characteristics of an abusive parent. If anything, I've learned how NOT to raise a family and my children.

[journeynow]

I really enjoy cooking and she hates it. So I cook my own dinner.

 

Does she want you cooking? Why not you cook for everyone?

 

Earrings and bracelets? That's simple, take them off in your room. They don't belong on the table, right? And yes, clutter and personal items are expected to be put away before the cleaning person cleans.

 

It's awful that your mother hit you, I don't at all condone that. But the other things, I think it sounds like it is time for you to have a place of your own, find room mates who can join you in leaving stuff around as you all wish. For your mother, her home is her territory, her rules. The 20's are hard, establishing independence from family, and it can't really begin until you move out (in my experience, anyway).

 

Good for you for working on your college degree. You said things were getting crazy, which I take to mean school got hectic, so I image you've been under stress there as well. It is always tough to take a notch down in independence (for you, by quitting your job), so I understand if that may be part of your frustration. Hang in there. Deep breath. Count to 10, as much as you need to. (One thing you have learned from your mother, hopefully, is to not adopt her behavior.)

[Lovelavie]

It's weird because my boyfriend has a dysfunctional family but a loving aunt who does everything for him and is a really sweet person and I have a loving family but a dysfunctional mother. He says he doesn't want his family at our wedding if we get married and I wonder if my mom would ever even go to it. I can totally imagine her being negative about it and saying I'll get divorced or something. I mean, what kind of mother tells her daughter she deserves to be beaten by men?

[journeynow]

She has humiliated me and hit me in front of my relatives. She made me cry one time on Christmas' Eve when everyone was just laughing and having fun. Ever since my pre-teen years I have never hugged her and she has never hugged me. We never say we love each other and yes, I have tried, and I always got pushed away or got a sarcastic laugh as if I didn't mean what I said. It took me years to realise my mother emotionally abused me. I did a lot of research and wasn't surprised to find that she fits in all the characteristics of an abusive parent. If anything, I've learned how NOT to raise a family and my children.

 

I didn't see this post while writing my last one. She IS abusive, I am very sorry to hear that. Was she abused growing up, do you think? And I see you say what I was thinking in my last post, you are learning how not to raise a family.