My mother has hit me AGAIN, tired of this

[Lovelavie]

I always offer to cook for everyone. Well not anymore because of the constant fights. I have cooked for my father and I, and he encourages me to, and it's a nice bonding moment for us. But my mother never wants it and says to make only a portion for myself. My brother only eats junk food and doesn't eat a lot during lunch or dinner. He's really skinny somehow but he doesn't have a healthy diet at all.

 

Also, I don't think I really explained it right... I understand things have to be kept clean and organised, I have no problem with that, but I'm not a robot, sometimes I forget, sometimes I'm busy doing something more important. It just happens once in a while, not a reason to get uber upset about. But that doesn't really hurt me or anything, just makes our relationship hard when it could be peaceful you know? She chooses to make it hard. But it's the things she says. The way she laughed while hitting me saying it made her feel better. Her saying I'll die alone and never find anyone to love me. She just seems jealous that I have nice friends, a nice boyfriend, I'm working as hard as I can and doing what I love and she just doesn't get how it's all working out for me while her life is still miserable. I don't know, it's just the vibe I get from all of this.

[journeynow]

I don't understand what it is with her, if she has a mental health issue, or what the cause is of her cruel behavior. Has she always been that way, or has it gotten worse?

[Lovelavie]

She had a VERY strict father. She hasn't spoken to him for the past 5 years and she even said she just wants for him to die already. She's a really insensitive person. Her mother died of cancer when I was 1 year old and it was really hard on her as she was very close to her mother. Six months after she died, my mother claims my father was already with another woman and that really hurt her and made her relationship with him fall apart to the point where they don't speak to each other to this day.

 

They were the only family she had, except for her uncles who live in Portugal and visit every once in a while. HOWEVER, my parents have been married for 26 years and my dad's family is huge and they're really loving and they treat her like gold. She is closer to my dad's sister than he is. She visits them a lot, and honestly, that is her family also. So it's not like she's alone in this world or anything. She has a couple of friends who go out every once in a while also and now with her volunteering to help animals she's socialising with a lot of people.

 

I mean, I know I had an awful relationship with my mother but I would never blame it on my children and take it out on them.

[Lovelavie]

She has always been like this. After my brother was born things started to change. This has been happening since I was 11. Things were so bad that when I was 14 all I could think of was suicide because she made my life really miserable. I had depression for years and it was a tough battle. She had depression also but she shut down from the world. She locked herself in her room all day and wouldn't come out. She's taking medicine now for it, but I feel like she has some sort of undiagnosed disorder because I cannot comprehend how one treats another human being like that. I have had depression, I've been in an abusive relationship with an ex boyfriend and never have I treated anyone anywhere close to the way she treats me, simply because I can't hurt anyone that much.

[boltnrun]

My mother told me I was a selfish POS who no one could stand to be around. She told me that when I was 17.

 

She was jealous of me (because my dad adored me and showered me with affection and attention [at least, when I was little]but didn't give her much of either) and resented me for being young and having my life and the world before me.

 

She passed away over 20 years ago. I have conflicting feelings about her and, to be honest, my relationship with her did a lot of damage. I felt unworthy of love and had low self esteem because, if your own mother doesn't even like you, why would anyone else?

 

Fortunately, I didn't pass this along to my kids. My kids are fantastic and I couldn't be prouder of them. They are really neat young people. I wouldn't dream of saying to them the things my mother said to me.

 

Anyway...your mother will not, apparently, be loving and supportive. It may be time to work on accepting this about her. And to save up for your own place. Don't expect her to congratulate you on your accomplishment, but instead look inside yourself for encouragement.

 

It sounds like your father is a nice man. Be grateful for that (my dad ended up being a deadbeat, so...)

[ThatwasThen]

As you've elaborated, you've shown that there are a lot of deep seated issues that family counselling might help all of you over come. I remember you saying you quit going to therapy with your mom... Maybe it would help you to process how she treats you if you started personal therapy? Your mother was abused and now it seems the cycle continues, as unfortunately, it often does. In the meantime, do your best to be able to be out on your own as soon as possible.

[Lovelavie]

Yes, I guess that is the hardest part for me: accepting. Accepting I'll never have a loving mother. Accepting we'll never have deep conversations, laugh together, gossip and be actual friends. Every Mother's Day is a burden to me and I just want the day to be over. I see everyone posting pictures and long loving texts about their moms every year and not one single year I felt the urge to do that. On the contrary, I just simply couldn't with her anything, it was something bigger than me.

 

So imagine all your friends, acquaintances posting those pictures and knowing that every single one of those relationships are slightly better than mine. At some point, it feels a bit lonely. In consequence of that, I've also had low self esteem and I worked very hard but I'm still no fully confident. In fact, I used to so paranoid about everything, I though every single thing I was doing was wrong and I would ponder about it instead of just living and letting it go.

 

She has done so much damage to me. She doesn't act like a mom at all. On the weekends she never cooks, never takes us out to eat, never even buys food for us and now, isn't allowing me to buy my own food. So we're stuck with what's in the fridge which is usually just junk food. She simply doesn't move a finger for us and she expects us to do all of this for her when it's clear that she wanted us all out of her life.

[ThatwasThen]

Where is your father who you speak so fondly of when she is treating you and your brother this way? If he's allowing this, then he is just as abusive as she is by being indifferent to her behaviour.

[Lovelavie]

During the week he's not at home, he works 1 hour away so he stays in an apartment with his sister and comes back during the weekend. And on weekends I'm usually at my boyfriend's house, but before I was in a relationship, none of us interact on the weekend. My mom changes her mood to: sometimes happy, sometimes angry to always angry and pissed off when my dad comes home for some weird reason. It's so annoying, she gives off such a bad vibe it's bizarre. So like this weekend, my boyfriend went on a trip and I stayed home locked in my room because it is the only place that feels nice. Every time I leave it, something bad happens.

 

And this conversation happened on Saturday and my dad grabbed her when she started hitting me, but you're right, he doesn't do anything about it. He has gotten in fights with her because of this, he's missed business trips to stay with us because my mom was out of herself, but there's only just so much I can do and he should take the role here and it all just stays the same. He just watches me suffer and tells me I need to be better in order for the family to be better but I refuse to because I know there are people who love me for who I am, I know there are people who treat me nicely. Hell, one time I had a boyfriend who had such a nice mom I would come to her for advice, she "took care of me" while my mother always mocked me for being sad or crying. I have a mom, a dad and a brother but we are not a family. They're the closest to me physically but their the furthest away emotionally.

[ThatwasThen]

I think you should seriously consider going back to that therapist. You need help with processing your mother's extremes and your father's apathy.

[Lovelavie]

I went to therapy for many years ever since I was 8. Last year we had family therapy, sometimes it would be my mom and I, my dad and I, my brother and I, or all of us, or just by myself etc...

We went for a year. I would come out crying all the time, it felt great because I could say all the things I couldn't say to her at home because if I did, she would hit me, so it was a relief. It was also a relief when I would hear the therapist saying she was wrong and she just had to listen without saying anything. But after a year, I realised that not one single thing had changed, I was just feeding myself with false hope only to get disappointed every time. I was always the one to be blamed until one day I came up to my mother and I said that I was quitting on her because she wanted me to go so I could be a "better person" and I simply said that I would go when I saw HER change. That was more than a year ago and absolutely nothing had changed.

 

I made a decision after that to give up on my family, I no longer care about going out with them, I no longer care about what happens in their lives and I no longer feel the need to please them, I do what I have to do and I just want distance. Relationships are hard, but this is beyond anything. This is a whole 'nother lever of "hard".

[ThatwasThen]

Well, if you're going to stay and endure so you can get your tuition then you'll just have to carry on as you have been. Personally, if it was that hard for me, I would get myself out of there and room with others until I got my degree while working to pay my own way.

 

You have to figure out what you priorities are and then do what you have to do to cope. You're not coping well where you are.

[Lovelavie]

The thing is, I don't have a job to move out and my final work requires me to stay many days of the week from morning to 4,5 p.m. I study fashion design and there's a lot of manual work to do.

I have however, put up with this for 11 years now, but this is just so uncalled for and every time it happens a part of me dies inside.

 

All I know is I can feel nothing but hate towards my mother, as much as I wish it wasn't like this, I just can't help it. I guess for that reason I was to have a family so bad, I want to know what it's like to have a happy one.

[ThatwasThen]

You are choosing to stay in the environment because it benefits you somehow. I suspect when you have reached your emotional limit, you will change your circumstances no matter what it takes.

 

Yes... we get it, we understand what you go through. Time now to do something about it. Being in victim mode isn't going to help you process any of it. Staying for financial reasons is a choice. Have you ever asked your father if you move out would he continue to pay your tuition? If so, what was the reply... if not, why haven't you?

 

You are not a child who cannot fend for herself. You are a young adult so do something adult like and see what alternate choice you have at your disposal... which includes seeing your school counselor(s) for guidance.

 

I moved out when I was 18, Got a job and off I went. Maybe you should see what you can do to facilitate that as well?

[agent1607307371]

Honstly, it's three months. You are literally coutning down the days now until you are graduated. The time will go faster than you think it will. Work hard, plan.

 

And then...

[lukeb]

I am not a big fan of group therapy, especially in this case, because really the only reason why you were going is to get your mom to change. That doesn't leave for any room for personal growth change and how you deal with conflict. There are many areas where I can see where you are in the wrong and that is generally how things are, relationship conflict comes from two directions. Respect is a two way street, and you have zero respect for you mom, but you do expect respect in return. You are choosing to stay in your parent's home. Very often that is what choice is, the lesser of two evils, most of the time you can't have it both ways. This was your home growing up, but as a young adult unless you are financially contributing to the household, you are really just a guest there. You are a guest there, but your mom isn't, she is married to your dad and that is how marriage works. It is great that your dad AND your mom are allowing you to stay home as a way for you to get ahead career wise. That is really the perspective you need to have, unless you are paying rent you are really just staying there as a guest.

 

Best thing to do is to be grateful to your mom for allowing you to stay at home rent free and work on an exit strategy which you seem to be doing and to avoid conflict with your mom as much as you can. Instead of paying rent this is the price you need to pay to get ahead in life.