Can't stand to see dear friend hurting herself

[boltnrun]

So, this has the potential to be a long post. I've decided to use bullet points so it doesn't get out of control.

 

Some background: Dear Friend and I have been friends for 30 plus years, since we were preteens. I love her like a sister. She is a wonderful person...beautiful inside and out, sweet, loving, funny, fun, intelligent, great sense of humor, loyal, generous, honest, and wouldn't hurt a fly. She's been married for about 15 years. I am a content divorcee who has had some long term relationships since my divorce, but haven't dated in a couple of years. We are both parents. Our friendship is long distance (several states separate us) but we keep in contact at least several times a week.

 

I am taking a chance she will see this thread (I believe she reads relationship forums), but even knowing this I am going to proceed anyway because I don't know any other way to try to help.

 

So, on to the problem...her husband. Here are the bullet points:

 

-he moved several hundred miles away (for the second time in about 5 years) for work even though he could have found a job nearby, leaving my friend and their child behind.

-he told my friend that even though he originally planned for his family to join him, he no longer wants them to.

-he removed his wedding ring.

-he seldom communicates with my friend or their child, saying he's too busy.

-he told my friend he wants her and their child to move into an apartment (in their city, not the one he's living in) so he can sell their house because he can't afford to make the mortgage payments (Dear Friend doesn't work, they agreed she would be a stay at home mom)

-despite agreeing for her to stay at home, husband is now pushing her to get a job.

-he had racked up a several thousand dollar (over $10k) credit card bill with no explanation from him what these charges were for (he blocked her from the account)

-he recently dropped several thousand dollars at a strip club

-she has found inappropriate texts on his phone (declarations of love from another woman, texts setting up dates with this other woman, etc.)

-he has told her he does not think he is in love with her anymore

-on his rare visits, he spends all his time away from her and their child, choosing instead to go out with work colleagues to bars, becoming extremely intoxicated

-he has a female "constant companion" in the city where he works.

 

Despite all of these things, Dear Friend refuses to do anything about it. She will not ask him any questions about these activities because she is afraid of making him mad. She will not consider divorce even though she admits to crying daily. Their child has expressed feelings of not wanting to spend time with Dad because the child feels he has not behaved in a trustworthy manner. The child even becomes physically ill after each one of the husband's (rare) visits. It seems to me that Dear Friend would rather stay in this hell of a marriage than be a divorced woman.

 

Each time she tells me about yet another horrible thing her husband has done, I ask "so, what are you going to DO about it?" She refuses to answer, or she says "oh, I just don't know what to do!!" Then she goes back to posting love quotes on Facebook (I guess hoping he'll see them and change his mind?)

 

I've tried changing my tactics by suggesting staying in the marriage is damaging to the child...more damaging than being a child of divorce would be. I've suggested Dear Friend is being irreparably damaged by staying. I've tried propping Dear Friend up with compliments and assurances that she is strong and can handle anything life throws her way...even divorce. But she just plain will not take any action, even though this is the second time her husband has done this, and even though this instance has been going on for at least six months.

 

I'm at the point where I'm ready to tell her that it's too hurtful to see her damaging herself this way, that I can't take it anymore. That I love her too much to witness how much she doesn't love herself. But she really doesn't seem to have anyone else to talk to...she is estranged from her parents and her only sibling lives as far away from her as I do. However, it's so frustrating to see this lovely woman hurting herself by insisting on staying in this awful marriage.

 

I don't know if I'm asking for advice or if I'm just venting. I care so much for this wonderful person and I want to help, but she doesn't seem to want the kind of help I offer. I cannot be dishonest and tell her that everything will be fine, because I don't think it will be. I don't agree with her decision to keep quiet about what she knows in the hopes it will blow over and he'll come home. I can't lie to her because I love her too much.

 

What do I do???

[Hermes]

This is a difficult one, BoltnRun.

 

She does not want to hear what you are telling her. Also, she is terrified, even if she doesn't exactly know what it is she is terrified of.

You know what. You can only hope that he will eventually bail out on her, whereby he will be doing her a big favour.

As I am sure you know, it is vital that she stays in her home, no matter what. She is entitled to the family home as she has children. It would be catastrophic for her to move.

 

You are right. So many like her. They do not love themselves.

 

I'd also feel helpless, Bolt.

[Seraphim]

Unfortunately; we can only do so much for people who won't help themselves. I would continue to be her friend but if she brings up anything about her marriage tell her you absolutely won't discuss it unless she decides she wants to help herself . That you can't bear to see her hurt herself and her child this much so you are no longer willing to discuss it. But you will discuss anything else.

[Dottieflanogon]

I am sorry to say you can't make her realize the mess she is in. Unfortunately she needs to do it herself. If you pressure her too much on leaving this guy you may inadvertently push her away from you.

 

However, it is unfortunate that she has to go through this. You can try to sit down and in a calm, slow, objective manner say something among the lines of " I really feel that you are no longer happy. You are constantly stressed and worried. I am worried about you. Is there anything I can do to help? I also feel that our friendship suffers when you are so down all the time. What changed?" Then listen.

 

If she starts talking about how her man causes her all the pain try saying " It sounds like your husband is causing you more pain than happiness these days. How do you suggest we fix this problem together? What can I do to help?" Then listen. She may actually realize on her own that "her husband " is bad for her. If she resorts to self blame try reassure her that she is a wonderful friend, give examples of her good behavior and tell her how much she means to you.

 

From a calm mood and conversation you can suggest going to see a counselor or talking to a relationship expert. Assure her that it can be benefitial and that many people go and are very satisfied with the results. Tell her you feel it can make the home climate better for everybody. Tell her you will come with her.

 

 

One more suggestion: try taking our friend out to do fun things like bowling, movies, pool, museums, art galleries, go-karts, girls-night out type of deals. Invite other friends and this way she will be exposed to other people and healthier relationships. When she realizes the confidence and acceptance she feels from other women and men she might slowly on her own deattach herself from her current unhealthy relationship. But remember not to bring it up. It will most likely in result in her feeling guilty or worse. Try to change topic and keep them positive for both your well beings!

 

Good luck, I really hoped some of this helped.

[itsallgrand]

Wow. She needs to get her head out of her ass and get a job. ASAP.

 

She may be a wonderful person but there is no excuse for doing that to a kid. And there is no excuse for a grown woman to be relying on a man to provide for basic things for her. Agreement or not to be a stay at home; she has a responsibility as a mother to take care of her child!

 

She's a grown up...the kid isn't....kid comes first. I'd tell her that too. Sorry, dear friend, til you get your s/t together, I'm going to advocate for this kid.

 

I'd rather the wrath of a friend than knowing a kid went through hell because I as a grown up didn't do anything.

[boltnrun]

Just for clarification, we live several hundred miles apart. I'd love to be able to spend time with her in person, but we're too far away from each other.

 

I also would love for one of us to visit the other, but finances are tight on both our ends. So our only communication is via phone or via electronic means.

[itsallgrand]

I just want to know what her excuse for not working is?

[boltnrun]

I just want to know what her excuse for not working is?

 

She and her husband years ago agreed that she would stay at home to raise their child. They both felt it was best.

 

He seems to be pushing her to get a job now because (I believe) he doesn't want to have to pay spousal support in the event of a divorce. I also believe he is waiting to file until the child is 18 so he won't have to pay child support. He's willing to keep Dear Friend and their child parked several hundred miles away in the meantime while he lives the single life, because it will save him having to pay a set, court-ordered amount to them each month. This way, he can dole out money as he sees fit.

 

I actually recommended she not work because of this reason.

 

For the record, she and the child are not starving or doing without adequate clothing or anything. Their home is lovely and well-maintained. Their basic physical needs are being met. It's just all the other garbage.

 

Also for the record, when I was married I too was a stay at home mom. My husband and I agreed to it.

[itsallgrand]

That makes perfect sense.

 

When it all collapses on her, you can offer practical advice.

 

My thoughts about her working now were that if she felt confident she could support herself, who cares if he doesn't have to pay for spousal support?! It only matters if it's about the money for her. He would have to pay child support until the child is 18 or until she is done uni regardless.

[Birdie]

This is a tough situation...I think next time she brings it up you're well within your means to explain that you love her and want to help her, but this s becoming a bit too much seeing her constantly hurt/not helping herself. I would encourage her to try to find a therapist to talk to, gently, but maybe having some professional advice would be beneficial.

 

Other than that I would still try to be there as a support as much as you can be! It's hard watching friends go down these paths

[boltnrun]

She does see a therapist.

 

Interestingly, when this happened a few years ago she told me her therapist gave her the exact same advice I'd been giving her.

 

Her current therapist seems to be supportive of her without trying to tell her what to do. She is the one who seems to be deciding the "head in the sand" approach is best. Hopefully her therapist points out the futility of that approach.