Ready but scared

[zebragirl]

This is my first post in this section I think. I have been in this weird confusing limbo for about 8 months, well the whole year. It's complicated in many ways, but aren't most of these things? First I was realizing something wasn't working with sex and my husband and I. I realized this a couple years ago now but it took quite a while for me to work out what was wrong. This was partly due to the fact, we just plain don't have sex much at all. What's that mean? Like once every 1-3 months. Or longer depending on the year. And when it did happen it literally doesn't work. I finally worked out that he's got a medical problem but he STILL won't admit that it's a problem. He blames the fact that he has to use up time concentrating on getting me turned on or that I'm looser since I had our child. I know for a fact I'm not looser, sure not the same but it's not loose or stretched out. Females don't work like that. And besides from my own observations things were tighter. So whatever. I digress. It's a problem for me that it doesn't work, let alone we don't have sex even once a month. I'd loveto once a week. It would be literal fantasy land if I was with someone that wanted to do it several times a week. I guess that exists. But it's not going to ever happen here. It's not all the medical stuff either. It's literally been like this with the lack of sex since we got married. But he didn't have the performance issues till the last 5 years.

 

I've talked so many times with him. Never blaming or judgmental. He has said sex just isn't a priority to him. He won't go to the Dr. Has no reason to really. Because he doesn't see a problem anyway. No matter I've said it's a problem and I can not go on like this forever.

 

Add to that some very definite control issues and ocd like things going on...

I've lost all attraction to him. I do care and love him. Not in love. I don't remember the last time if ever that I felt cchemistry or attraction to him.

 

I found myself in the position that I would have been able to cheat in him but didn't go through with it. I cried the whole next day. Realizing the truth and how hard this is. It finally made me realize I can NOT go on like this.

 

So many have suggested counseling. I've gone all summer for myself. I don't want to go with him. He could start to fix thugs if we go . But at this point I don't think it will change how I feel.

 

But the hard part is telling him. I had the idea of suggesting an open marriage but realize it would be a bandaid approach to something that isn't working anyway. But is so hard to admit how I feel to him. I feel like it's incredibly selfish of me to leave and not give him a chance to change. Oh yes I have given him so many chances. But I will still feel like an awful person when I tell him. I am literally terrified. It feels easier not to do anything. But I know I can't stay in limbo for long. I can't keep doing this and don't have it in me to keep pushing and fighting to make it better.

 

I just wonder, is there a way to make it easier, to admit the truth that I don't want to stay married? Will I regret it, I worry. Is that normal? I am so scared because it's so unknown. I am not scared of being alone. But of breaking his heart and losing what was good about the relationship and hurting him. But yet i know what I want.

[Ms Darcy]

I think the longer you wait, the harder it will be to act. It's going to be hard no matter what, but the sooner you rip off the bandaid, the sooner you both can heal.

 

If I were you, I would give yourself a deadline to do something.

[SophieGrace]

People make changes when the pain of staying the same outweighs the fear of the unknown. No one can make that decision for you. Personally I think broaching the subject of an open marriage is a cop-out. You gave him many chances to change and you are saying this is important to you. So how important is it?

 

I like Darcy's suggestion of giving yourself a deadline to make a decision to do something - at least you will get yourself out of limbo.

[toby17]

Forget the counselling.

 

Break his heart, it'll mend.

 

It's good you feel guilty, it means you're a nice person (or at least you're trying to tell yourself you are) but you need to care about you more than you care about him.

 

Do you want to spend another 5 years having no sex, with a man with control issues and ocd, who's selfish about sex? Then get it over with now.

 

He takes you for granted anyway, just tell him.

[Lester]

Everything in life Z is about effective communication and negotiation.

Your nature of love and nurture has undermined this process.

 

Because of this, you wait and wait and wait until you can't take it anymore.

Your perceived guess about your husband hardens your heart opening to door to thoughts of revenge. (Band-aids)

[catfeeder]

You don't need to view leaving as a final outcome. Lots of couples separate to learn and teach one another what life would be like living apart. Some decide that it's for the best, others decide to work on the marriage and pursue marriage counseling before moving back in together.

 

I'd seek legal advice to learn my options and the best steps to take for each option. For instance, in some locations filing for a legal separation can freeze your assets and protect you from any further debt incurred by a spouse.

 

I'd learn the legal details before deciding anything, then the emotional stuff can be worked out from the inside of a goal that's structure with concrete steps toward reaching that goal.

 

Allowing emotions to stagnate you will only buy you wasted time that you can never get back to live over again.

 

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[lostandhurt]

Zebra,

Let me ask you a simple question. Taking the lack of sex out of the equation would you still feel the need to end your marriage?

 

Sex isn't everything but what you are describing is a lack of intimacy. There is a big difference you know. You can have sex with no intimacy and you can have intimacy with no penetration. I see this as a lack of intimacy that has changed your feelings towards him and now you are so far gone (considering cheating) that you don't want him to improve and fix this. Is that true?

 

Divorce sucks no matter what anyone tells you. It is a terrible thing but there are times when it is a very necessary thing that must be done.

 

I think there is more to this than just no sex. If your husband was in a terrible accident and couldn't perform any longer would you divorce him? I don't think so.

 

You are frustrated, lonely, rejected and unhappy. No wonder you want out. If you feel like you have exhausted all your options then divorce is the only thing left to do.

 

Have you decided that you do want to divorce him and are here asking how to break it to him?

 

Lost

[zebragirl]

it is lack of intimacy AND sex. He's OK with cuddling and kissing. But sex is something nearly non existent. He's told me it's not a priority. It's always been this way. Once a month at best. More like three months lately.

 

Without the sex issues I'd have less motivation to leave but still lack of common connection and intimacy is a big deal. There is a lot of issues that are just personality based. It's not wrong, we are just different in a lot of ways.

 

I do care about him but the fact that he disregards so many times when I've told him. What I need and want makes me feel disconnected.

 

I dont know what I'm looking for here. Support I guess. I don't want to be told to keep trying harder. It just feels like the worst decision of my life in terms of how hard it is. I know I'll be fine on my own. I worry more about the fallout, with him and his family. He has indicated he'd be pretty lost and life wouldn't be worth it if I left. So even though I know that's not my responsibility it does make it harder for me. I care too much about how others feel. But I can't keep being the good little wife who carries on when my heart isn't in it.

[Helpexpressme]

I don't think it's right for you to be denied a good root. Sex is important in a relationship and I think you every right to go and want that for yourself.

 

Life is tough, but we have to make choices that are tough.

[catfeeder]

He has indicated he'd be pretty lost and life wouldn't be worth it if I left. So even though I know that's not my responsibility it does make it harder for me.

 

It's designed to. Look, husband indicates zero interest in working on the sex that rightfully does matter to you. If chomping off the divorce thing feels like too much, just visit with an attorney with no other goal in mind beyond learning. Seek advisement on the basic matrimonial laws of your location, learn what your options are, and ask for advice on a 'trial' separation that will give you the distance and the breathing room to decide what you'll want to do next.

 

No creative thinking can happen in a vacuum. Husband is great at manipulating you into feeling guilty about considering out, so get yourself away from him for long enough to 'see' more clearly what you will want.

 

Also ditch the idea of imagining impacts on others, along with the imaginary judge and jury of your own creation. Most of us learned early how to form a set of critics in our own mind that are far harsher than anyone else cares enough to be. Nobody has taught us the art of letting go of that critical voice. The big secret is that we can operate more effectively without it, and the idea of anticipating "what people think" can be seen as a wasted exercise that does nothing but squelch growth and resiliency.

 

There is nothing that you cannot deal with as it occurs, so why put yourself through the torture of anticipating what has NOT occurred? That only doubles the pain, and for zero payoff.

 

Seek advice, let it marinate, and THEN you can decide what steps you'll want to take. By then you'll feel more focused and confident.

[lostandhurt]

It would seem that the relationship is over as far as a giving loving marriage goes. I agree with Catfeeder in that it might be a good idea to legally separate. But if you are sure you do not want to be married to him any longer then it is time to get some legal advice about divorce.

 

Catfeeder is also correct that we all to often imagine things worse than they will be or are really are. He was fine before he met you so he will be just fine once you are gone.

 

How long have you two been together?

 

Lost

[zebragirl]

Married 11 years. Dated 3 years on top of that. We met when I was 19 and he was 28

[catfeeder]

Married 11 years. Dated 3 years on top of that. We met when I was 19 and he was 28

 

I don't believe that anyone has the right to doom another to a sexless existence, no matter how loyal we may be. You will never get any lost time back again for do-overs. If husband was at all concerned about the sexuality that most people value, it might be a different story. But he has expressed the opposite of concern for you in this regard, and you are well within your rights to pursue a healthy relationship with a healthy sex life, most especially if you ever intend to have children.

 

Nobody else is living your love life for you, so nobody else gets a vote. The reactions of others may be interesting, but not relevant.

 

I'd focus on the future I want to create, and I wouldn't budge from my goal of obtaining it--especially to please someone who has no interest or investment in pleasing me.

[lostandhurt]

What bothers me the most about all this is that he blamed you for HIS issues. The lack of compassion and willingness to address the problem is really the nails in the coffin isn't it?

 

It seems that he doesn't even care about your feelings or desires.

 

Do you think your next move should be talking to someone about getting a divorce? What is it that you want and what is stopping you from making that move?

 

Lost

[zebragirl]

I think talking to a lawyer would be good. Fear of the fallout and losing a companion I guess holds me back. I felt like he was my best friend who was there for me through a lot but it doesn't make me want to stay and be unhappy either

[lostandhurt]

You were pretty young when you met and you have grown a lot since then. I know it can be scary and losing someone that has been in your life for a 1/3 of it seems like a drastic change but he has been slowly edging away with his lack of empathy.

 

Assuming you are in the states: go to your local counties web site and read some of the stuff they have there about divorce and the process it entails. Then search for lawyers that give a free consult in your area. If you have a friend that can keep a secret that has been divorced perhaps pick their brains a little on what they did, who they used and what they would have done differently.

 

For now all this will help you get used to the idea of what you feel is your only option.

 

I am sorry it has come to this. I know when you married you didn't envision this as the way it would go but it takes two people working on a marriage to keep it healthy and happy and he sounds like he quit his portion.

 

Lost

[catfeeder]

I think talking to a lawyer would be good. Fear of the fallout and losing a companion I guess holds me back. I felt like he was my best friend who was there for me through a lot but it doesn't make me want to stay and be unhappy either

 

You can make all the companions you want. Your choice to isolate yourself has embedded you in a non-marriage that's only harmed your self esteem and keeps you fearful of 'fallout' that doesn't need to involve anyone but you, your lawyer and your husband.

 

I'd consider seeking counselling through your local women's shelter or domestic violence organization. You don't need to be 'beaten' to hold fear of outcomes when you assert your need for independence, and these groups can help you to form a plan for a safe and efficient exit.

 

These groups can also help you through the psycho-social process of connecting with others in your community and feeling a part of a group. You can form friendships from this that can help you to feel less alone.

[Lester]

"But I know I can't stay in limbo for long."

"But I can't keep being the good little wife who carries on when my heart isn't in it."

 

You say you talked and talked and talked but did you tell him the above and then make him sleep on the couch?

Did you ask him to start making other living arrangement plans?

Did you lightly discuss some of the mop-up details like who will get the dog, visitation, etc.

 

 

Effective, one on one communication clears the confusion about which path to take.

Action can be and most times should be included when dealing with a hapless husband.

[Baily]

As a guy I can tell you intimacy and sex are VERY important. Without them in a relationship it's not going to work. Open marriage will not work. Divorce sucks, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Especially in today's world with tinder and all the other online items....dating is simple compared to 20 years ago

[sky09]

As a guy I can tell you intimacy and sex are VERY important. Without them in a relationship it's not going to work. Open marriage will not work. Divorce sucks, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Especially in today's world with tinder and all the other online items....dating is simple compared to 20 years ago

 

Simple, you really think so? Sex part, maybe. I'll give you that. Finding real people? Fogget about it.

[zebragirl]

I spoke to an attorney yesterday . I am ready to do this. I am waiting a bit because his grandma just died. No reason to beat a horse whole it's down. It's really quite amazing what a difference a few weeks make. I don't look forward to telling him but I'm focused and I know I've made the right decision. I had a ton of anxiety this week thinking about the telling him but knew I had to speak to an attorney first and get things ready. Now that I've done some of that I am feeling better. I worried how he's going to take the news. Hoping he will cooperate with a divorce agreement. I know his reaction isn't my responsibility to assume but I care about him alot even though I know this is what I want.

[catfeeder]

I worried how he's going to take the news. Hoping he will cooperate with a divorce agreement.

 

You can opt to spare both of you the 'd' word until you're separated.

 

Write more if it helps, and I hope you'll let us know how it goes.

[zebragirl]

That's a good idea, I guess. I was planning initially to say separation but I want divorce. So I wasn't sure if it was better to just tell him and spare him from false hope. But maybe it would be safer. Since I worry how he will react. It may get me out and then I can file.

 

I'm having ALOT of anxiety lately. Im not getting enough sleep and I'm feeling overwhelmed today with all I have to do. I unloaded all his guns except his rifles because I am worried he will do something stupid when I leave. I'm going to take all the ammo and give it to his dad to hide. I think I started feeling that feeling of overwhelm after doing that this afternoon. I know this is the right decision but it's still hard to start separating out the stuff and preparing. I am trying to just keep moving forward little by little. I can taste my freedom. Honestly the first thing I want to do is freaking SLEEEP in a bed with out him. And maybe sleep all night

[catfeeder]

If you're afraid of his reaction, don't be alone when you tell him. Have his father or someone else he respects present or at least right outside, waiting to take you away.

 

You can put together an exit plan by contacting a domestic violence hotline on the web or local to you. They will put you in touch with a counselor who can give you steps to protect yourself as you get out safely.

[Lester]

I asked you:

You say you talked and talked and talked but did you tell him the above and then make him sleep on the couch?

Did you ask him to start making other living arrangement plans?

Did you lightly discuss some of the mop-up details like who will get the dog, visitation, etc.

- You didn't because you're afraid?

 

Domestic violence was hinted in some posts here and you mentioned hiding bullets.

 

I'm confused. You said you like your husband but it's the lack of sex.

 

What is really going on here?