sammy1592 Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 So my boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year now, and we have definitely talked about the fact that we both want a future together. I am 23 and he is 26 (almost 27), and we both still live at home with our parents, because at this moment, it is the smartest thing financially for us to do, and we are both in homes where it is possible for us to do that. We both have steady jobs making decent money, but we also want to save up some more before we tackle going out on our own. He has been driving the same car since he was 16, and he has been planning for a while to save up and buy a new one. He had mentioned that he might try to do that at some point this year, and try to move out (with me) maybe next summer, and I was perfectly supportive of that plan. Today, we were discussing it, and he mentioned that it probably wouldn't be until the end of this year or beginning of next year until he buys his car. I asked if he would still be able to move out next summer if he waited that long to get the car, and he said moving out was sort of on the back burner, but yes hopefully he would move out at some point next year. He could tell that I was a little bit upset after he said that, and he said just because he said it was on the back burner didn't mean that he wasn't thinking about it. I told him that thinking about it and planning for it were two totally different things, and all he said was "this is true." It just upsets me that he seems to be so nonchalant about it, when I'm constantly thinking about when we can start our own lives together, and he just doesn't seem to be in any particular hurry. I'm just not sure how I should feel about it. Any constructive input or ideas would be really helpful on this one, because I'm just a tad bit frustrated. Link to comment
j.man Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Easy there, tiger. It's been only a year. Why are you waiting on him to get out on your own? Yeah, 26 is worse than 23 as far as living with your parents, but 23 ain't a whole lot better, especially considering I see no mention of school. Link to comment
sammy1592 Posted July 16, 2015 Author Share Posted July 16, 2015 We both already have bachelor's degrees, and I really could not afford to be out on my own literally by myself. I make ok money, but really not enough for that, not without a roommate, which I really don't have any options for. Link to comment
j.man Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Really? Because I live in NYC and see people working at McDonalds but supporting themselves without public aid. How much do you make and where do you live? Bottom line is you're both out of school, you're both working, you're both mooching off the 'rents and neither of you are willing to be self-sufficient. And hey, that's fine if it works for you and your families. I just don't think either of you would be in a position to criticize the other's financial priorities. Link to comment
sammy1592 Posted July 16, 2015 Author Share Posted July 16, 2015 I don't think I'll be telling you how much I make as that is none of your business, and I am not criticizing his financial priorities, I just want to know that having a life with me is a priority. And you really are being rude at this point, so I'm done having a conversation with you but I appreciate your input. Link to comment
melancholy123 Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Well you both have different priorities and I can see where you'd be upset that he's taking too long to get around to moving out. But if he's busy working and trying to save money for that new car and eventually an apt. or house with you, then maybe you need to be a bit more patient. If you really want to move out, then look for a friend to be a roommate for a while. Link to comment
Helpexpressme Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Well living at home has it's perks. Dinner cooked for you, washing done, all the creature comforts. And the bonus, not paying too much in rent/bills as he probably gives a small amount to contribute financially? He's got a sweet deal, and I think he knows it. Link to comment
j.man Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Given that you've got complete anonymity here, I'll take that as "enough to get by but not willing to." You wanna crucify this guy because he wants to do the same as you're doing, mooching off the 'rents to save up money, while you, merely a year in, are pushing to start a life jointly with him while never having known what it means to be independent. You're green and your relationship is still very young. He's doing you both a favor by holding off. Instead of making excuses and holding it against him for you not being able to move out because you seemingly can't fathom a living situation where you have to cut a rent check on your own, sit down and make a real plan for yourself. I find it hard to believe that people who have been working since 16 and devoting their paycheck to supporting the home, never having gone to university, and now living on their own earning minimum wage can make it work, but someone propped through college and financially supported afterward cannot. Again, I've never held it against anyone for taking advantage of the opportunities they have available to them. But when those people start throwing stones, that's when the humor sets in. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Moving in together is not starting your lives together as far as strengthening your commitment to each other. Getting engaged with a wedding date is a strengthening of your commitment. What I would do is save $ for your eventual marriage (in separate accounts) -not for a big wedding reception -for married life. I would not move in together just because you can't afford to live on your own. I did find living on my own extremely helpful for my maturing and being independent. My husband and I married in our 40s and did not live together before marriage. It would not have helped the adjustment to marriage since we had a baby shortly after getting married -whole different ball game living with a newborn! Link to comment
jennylove Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Personally, I'd get myself a studio without him WHEN the tine is right for you. If you are comfortable staying with your folks, and your folks are good with it, I say stay there and sock it away. It's not s bad thing to live with family into late adulthood as long as everyone is on board with it, it's very common in many cultures. Link to comment
Helpexpressme Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Moving in together is not starting your lives together as far as strengthening your commitment to each other. Getting engaged with a wedding date is a strengthening of your commitment. What I would do is save $ for your eventual marriage (in separate accounts) -not for a big wedding reception -for married life. I would not move in together just because you can't afford to live on your own. I did find living on my own extremely helpful for my maturing and being independent. My husband and I married in our 40s and did not live together before marriage. It would not have helped the adjustment to marriage since we had a baby shortly after getting married -whole different ball game living with a newborn! LoL your way ahead Batya. He can't committ to a car, let alone a wedding. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 I think you need to slow down. I have noticed a lot of women are in a hurry to "start their lives with their boyfriends" whereas a lot of guys are just enjoying having a girlfriend. He brought up the moving in together, in my opinion, to just throw the idea out there. He's not actually planning for it. So you are on two different wavelengths. There is no real rush. I would say be more like your bf and enjoy the moment. Even encourage him not to bring it up until he's ready to plan for it so you don't start expecting it at a certain time. You have a long time to get to know each other. On a personal level, if you want to be a good future prospect as a wife, move out on your own and get a roommate. If you are dependent on HIM to move out on your own, he's going to feel more burdened by you than anything. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Personally, I'd get myself a studio without him WHEN the tine is right for you. If you are comfortable staying with your folks, and your folks are good with it, I say stay there and sock it away. It's not s bad thing to live with family into late adulthood as long as everyone is on board with it, it's very common in many cultures. I thought that too and stayed through grad school. Huge surprise when I moved out at 28 as far as what a significant difference it made in my maturity, outlook, etc. Link to comment
jennylove Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 I've never understood ppl who claim that moving out early makes you more sufficient, responsible, etc. Horse Poo. It's a waste of $$ in my opinion. I'm sure I've told this story on here before be its my favorite story for posts like this. My younger cousin took a lot of grief from her friends and some family for staying with her folks until she was 29. Her parents loved having here there, she is very close to them. She stayed bc she was always working long hours and she didn't want to waste her money on rent when she wound rarely be there anyway. And, rent in her area was very expensive. So, she was socking her money away. By 29, she had 50k in the bank and she put that money down on a house. Her mortgage payment turned out to be lower than what her rent wound have been. But the best part, she sold her first house four year later and made a MINT off the appreciation. A MINT!! Meanwhile, her "friends" we're still living in the same apartment that they were pushing her to move into when she wasn't ready. Guess who had the last laugh? Link to comment
j.man Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Again, I have never been one to criticize those who take advantage of the opportunities available to them. Nobody here is suggesting that, either. It's when those very people start casting stones that I think a reality check is in order. Your friend apparently made a *~_=-MINT-=_~* mooching off the 'rents and she obviously played very well with the stacked hand she was given. I've got nothin' but love for her. It was none of her friends' business how she chose to prepare for independent adulthood or how long she chose to prepare for it. I was raised by a single mother with a high school diploma. I worked from 15 to help the house. I moved out at 17, have been on my own since, haven't asked for nor received a cent from my mother since. I learned very early on that if I was going to be jealous or upset with everyone who had more opportunities than me, I'd lead a very, very bitter life. It sounds like her friends chose jealousy. I'm 29 and just bought my own condo in NYC, so the same age as your friend when she bought her place. I've got nothing but happiness for her success. But I wouldn't credit her accomplishment to self-sufficiency any more than I would someone putting a down payment on a home with a trust fund they inherited. The point Batya is making is that you grow exponentially when you're on your own and independent. It's why I would feel a lot more secure dating a 20 year-old who has been out of the home and on her own since 18 than I would a 26-year old graduate living at home, who has never cut a rent check in her life. I don't think there should be a set age on when to make that move into independent living. You can be 18 or you can be 29, but it's not until you do that you grow in that way. I think you can step forward much more strongly into living with a partner after you've learned how to live on your own. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 I could not disagree more and am surprised you would express this opinion in the general way you did when each individual case is most likely different. For me, it made a huge difference and probably made me a far better spouse too with all that independence/independent living under my belt. Bigger waste of money to live with your parents and then have to spend $ later on things like therapy to find out why you cannot live well independently, be comfortable being on your own, make responsible decisions - all that is a risk of living at home as an adult -maybe not a large risk but certainly a risk and certainly a large risk for some. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 I think your perspective and how you feel about this will likely change if/when you do move out on your own. You will see things differently, and your priorities would be different too. If you do not have serious plans to move out on your own - with or without him - then this is all moot. If the worry is that he will fall behind, well, the only way to tell that is to go ahead and do what it is you need to do and let him do what he needs to do. You just have to let it play out naturally. Link to comment
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