My stages of healing after a break-up

[JackJackxD]

I just can't seem to be able to fall sleep tonight, so I guess I will visit this forum again. I started re-reading my own blogs/diaries, and it is interesting to see that there are distinct stages of moods for me after my break-up. The tones, the content are so different. I heard that different people have different stages, and it would be great to hear about your stages of break-up too! In general, the five stages of break up are as follows: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. I'm almost 95% over my Ex. This is quite a long read since it is basically a summary of what I've went through in the last 10 months, I will try to keep it as short as possible though! So here are my stages of healing after a break-up.

 

Stage 1: Bargaining

This is around mid-September 2014, and I just got dumped by my Ex. I was doing everything I could to get her back. I wrote a really long list of things that I've done wrong and what I will do to change. Then I linked her to those blogs, tried to convince her to give me another chance. I even filmed myself playing love songs on a guitar and sent her the videos! (Thinking back it was so embarrassing). I've never stooped so low in my life, I reasoned and begged, and basically threw away every last fragment of my self-respect. I guess this is why she trampled over me for the next 9 months. I was so lost at this stage of my life. Everything was about HER, and getting her back. I didn't care about education, family, or even friends. I just wanted her back. I was willing to do anything for that. I wanted to find out exactly what is going on in her mind, and how she felt about me. I kept showing my friends her Facebook statuses and our messages to ask them what they think she really meant. At the end of the day, she meant exactly what she told me. She just didn't want to be with me anymore. There is nothing behind those words. So my advice to everyone out there is, take things as literally as possible. Do not start guessing on what she thinks/what she meant, because it is a waste of time.

 

Stage 2: Self encouragement

I first dipped into this stage at around November, two months after my break-up. At this point, I pretty much realised that no matter how much hard I tried getting her back she won't come back. My blog/diary was filled with "Moving on" quotes and I wrote about how things are going to be better eventually. I wrote about how I've moved on already and life will be better without her, but that wasn't how I truly felt. Thinking back, perhaps the reason why I wrote all those self-motivation blogs was because I wasn't quite sure whether I would be alright or not.

 

Stage 3: Self pity and depression

I was stuck in this stage from December to the end of February. One of the main reason that this lasted so long was because of the fact that Christmas, her birthday, our anniversary, Valentine's day were all in those three months. Each of those served as a reminder that I no longer have her by my side, and that I was....alone. I blogged a lot of depressing posts, about the relationship, about her, about just generally about the negatives of life. I even skipped University for almost 2 weeks because I couldn't bear seeing her face. I was drinking a lot, and didn't want to do anything. Basically, I was an emotional mess.

 

Stage 4: False acceptance

From March till June, I kept telling myself that I was over her. I repeated the same things in my head over and over again to convince myself that, but I knew deep down that it wasn't the case. My blogs were mostly about work (exam season), and the false conclusions that I've reached. I had this one blog which basically said that she didn't love me at all, and that was the reason why she ended the relationship. I thought I knew exactly what happened between the two of us, but now I know that that wasn't the case. At this stage I still had some lingering false hope, but thankfully there were exams. I occupied myself with a heavy workload, and even most of the blogs were about my career and education. I don't know what other stupid things I would've done if not for those exams that I had to prepare for.

 

Stage 5: New Chapter

This is from mid-June to now, and has been exactly 10 months since our break-up. The reason why I didn't name this stage "Acceptance" is because I think a lot more happened than mere acceptance. It feels great to be where I am right now.

 

Let's talk about the relationship aspect first. I no longer have false hope in getting back together, because I don't wish for that right now. For me, if it happens then it happens, if it doesn't then I'm fine with it too. In mid-June, I decided to reconnect with her after my exams. I sent out a text asking how she feels about us talking again, and I told her that she doesn't need to reply if she does not feel the same. She did not reply. That, was the response that I expected. I reached out to her bearing in mind that she may never respond, or even worse - respond coldly. I was fine with whatever outcome. After that, I've finally the things that I should've done a long time ago. I cleared out old gifts, cards, deleted any pictures or messages. I no longer wondered about how her life was because it isn't relevant to me anymore. I started caring about my life. I no longer blamed myself for the break-up. Even till recently, my Ex seems to have been blaming me for the entire break-up. She kept telling our mutual friends that I wasted her time, and nothing good came out of it. Perhaps I should've stood more firmly at the beginning rather than accepting all the blames and acting like a puppy who wants a treat. Maybe then she wouldn't have trampled all over me. I recently wrote a blog named "The things I should've said to her", and it outlined her side of the problems in the relationship. I know now that a relationship is a two-way street. I wasn't the bad guy and she wasn't the victim. It appears that she read my blog post a few days ago, which is a huge relief for me. I don't feel like I've "won", because there is nothing to be won. Instead, I feel relieved because she knew how I truly felt about the relationship.

 

The reason why I said I'm 95% over her is that there are still things that gets to me. Things such as her pictures, our old messages...etc. Seeing those still makes my heart tingle, but I'm not ashamed of that. It just shows me that what we had was real, and we really did care for each other. I don't think any normal person can completely disregard and forget everything about someone that they had a serious relationship with. I know that I still care for her, but just not the same way. If anything bad was to happen to her, it would make me feel upset too. But I've learnt to care for myself, so I would prioritize myself over her any day.

 

Now I'm going to talk about the rest. Since the breakup, I've grown a lot. I've became more mature, more hard-working, much more sensitive about other people's feelings..etc. Looking back, it does give me a really good sense of accomplishment. The effort that I put into changing myself really did pay off, even though they were for the wrong reasons (mainly to get her back). Although my grades were lower than I expected, they were still decent I guess, so I'm happy. Now, I'm even starting to look for a new relationship, but I'm taking things slow, one baby-step at a time. I'm started flirting with a girl that I knew for 6 years, and it feels great to be back in the game again. All the texts, phone calls...the guessing, the flirting...etc. Although I don't expect anything serious to come out of this, it is refreshing!

 

 

So that's everything I wanted to share with you guys. I am interested in hearing about what you guys went through! Feel free to ask any questions, I would be happy to reply. Thanks for reading, and good day/night I guess!

[Clinton]

Stage 1: sadness and alcohol.

 

Stage 2: drunk dialing because of alcohol.

 

Stage 3: drunken revenge sex. Thank you alcohol!!!!

 

Stage 4: the realization that I've really loved alcohol all along.

 

Stage 5: try relationship with alcohol

 

Stage 6: rehab

[chino106]

Stage one - fake acceptance. Agreed with the break up.

 

Stage two- felt lonely and regretful and started pleading for a second chance.

 

Stage three- just pure pathetic begging and pleading. Social media stalking. Read some stuff that destroyed hope.

 

Stage four - realizing defeat, alcohol abuse, gambling addiction

 

Stage five - realizing the relationship is over and she's never coming back.

 

Stage six - slowly but surely moving on. Attempting to talk to other females. she still pops in my head, but a lot less than before.

 

It's been almost 5 monthes since BU and 3 and a half months NC. Things are looking good. Our would have been 2 year anniversary is coming up soon. Don't know how I feel about it. One day perhaps memories of her will become blurry. It's been a long journey. At first it seems like there's no end. There is, it just takes the right mindset to see it.

[rich46]

Thanks for posting, I find the stages we go through quite fascinating actually.

 

I think a lot depends on how it ended, how long the relationship had lasted, whether you'd been living together, whether you had shared future plans, whether it was your first break up, etc etc.

 

My break up occurred very suddenly and with no form of closure whatsoever, but we were kind of long distance and only saw each other on weekends, which has kind of softened the blow, although weekends were hard initially. But anyway:

 

1st stage - probably the first couple of weeks, and characterised by broken sleep, racing heart, occasional bouts of panicky feelings, and hiding away, but with an underlying feeling of refusal/shock.

 

2nd stage - first and only time I have cried came a couple of weeks afterwards, when the realisation began to dawn, and the few weeks after this were up and down from day to day. Extremes. Feeling amazing one day, and so low the next.

 

3rd stage - maybe started about a month-6 weeks after. Forced myself to get out and about on weekends, went on a small trip to Korea, then got motivated to do my studies, and ongoing exercise.

 

4th stage - lots of self-help books, less fretting over the end of the relationship, and starting to accept that I did nothing wrong. From a couple of months after the break up until now (3.5 months), feeling a lot more consistent in terms of my feelings and emotions. No really low days any more, and thinking about the future rather than the past for the most part. Confidence increased from exercise results, thesis almost finished, and a trip back to my home country in a couple of weeks. Planning for a new start post-graduation on 1st September, and making exciting plans for then.

 

It feels good to experience the growth that comes as the recovery process takes place, and to know that my inner strength has been there to get me through. I got lost in the relationship, and the break up has provided a great opportunity to learn and better myself, and I am looking forward to an extended period of time for enjoying my own company and growing.

 

Good luck to all whichever stage you are currently at!

[captcha45]

Stage 1: Shock.

Stage 2: physical pain and lots of crying.

Stage 3: lots of partying.

Stage 4: in depth analysis of the situation.

Stage 5: Anger.

Stage 6: Realising I dodged a bullet.

Stage 7: living the good life.