To Ticklish to Touch?

[SlipperySammy]

You guys probably know my gf doesn't want any thing to do with me, her excuse last night was she was to tickilish...I coulnd't touch her any where with out her pulling away gigling saying she was to tickilish. It wasn't like she was just tickilish it was like she was soooo tickilish there was no chance of me touching her any more.

 

Then I roll over and go to sleep and she say, " are you mad?"

[Softmoonlight]

sounds like she's nervous to me. how long have you been dating? stop pressuring her!

[SlipperySammy]

If I don't initiate...(pressure) we will not have sex, foreplay or even make out. When I mean never I mean NEVER. I tried it one time to see what would happen and we made 5 weeks with no sexual contact, then I exploded out of sexual frustration. I can count on one hand the times she has initated with me, and they have all come imiadatly have we have a 'talk' about our sex life, and how it makes me feel so horrible that she wont initiate, but usaully she agrees and tells me she understands and then still doesn't initiate.

 

I don't want to pressure any one...My fantasy is to have sex with the girl I love...and have her want to have sex with me.

 

We have been dating for 2 year, and living together for 10 months.

[DN]

Softmoonlight: it might alter your advice if you checked his previous posts on this subject - he has actually been very sensitive and caring.

 

SlipperySammy: perhaps you should ask yourself "how long would I be prepared to tolerate this situation if I knew it was never going to change"

 

The answer would give you some insight into how you should deal wih it or what you should do.

[mermayd]

Tickling and being tickled are usually signs of affection. If you were just touching her and she was tickled, it might be her approach to being affectionate with you and you should consider it a compliment. On the other hand, she could be using being ticklish as an excuse to not have you touch her, in which case, it is offensive to you.

I would ask her if it bothers her when you try to touch her and see what she says. Maybe let her make the physical contact first the next few times you see her.

[SlipperySammy]

She doesn't touch me...so I can't wait for her to initiate.

 

imagine living in a relationship were you find your partner very attractive and you love them very much, and they are very good to you in some ways like...making you breakfest sometimes or getting up early to start your car, or doing your laundry. They also swear thier love to you, and are very sweet and carring. BUT you don't get to have sexaul contact with them. Maybe back rubs or back scratches but NEVER sexual contact. They act like every thing is ok and great. They are being VERY nice to you but you start to get frustrated and they can not understand why even when you spell it out to them for months.

 

For you couples out there just imagine your partner NEVER touching you sexually. No matter what.

[DN]

Sammy - according to your previous posts, you have tried numerous times to fix this problem, I think you have been amazingly tolerant and kind.

 

But there comes a time when you have to realise that the other person involved has either no motivation or no intention of changing anything.

 

You have tried your best. She will not change and nobody on this site can come up with a plan to get her to. Can you live with that. Apparently not, judging from your posts. It seems to me that you have come to decision making time.

[mermayd]

You need tot alk to her and express your concerns.

[mermayd]

And there may be something she is closeting from her past that is preventing her from being close to you physically. Try to be sensitive to that and just see where she is coming from. If you are going to make this the basis of your relationship and not put the emotional connection you share with her as the top priority and she isnt going to change, then it doesnt seem that you are compatible. You really need to tell her how you feel and see where she is coming from and take it from there.

 

Please dont think I am being harsh, I have been in your shoes with my bf and I know it sux. You feel repulsive, dont you? Its not you though, its coming from within her and even if she pushes her hesitance aside and gives into you, the relationship will not amount to what it could be so be patient ok?

[Beec]

Sammy,

 

Unless you find a way to make her want to do what you want to do, then you seem to have little chance of having the sex life you desire. The only ways you will ever do that is if you make her want to help and fix the problem. I think you can do a lot of things, but, I think with her she needs some help. But maybe, just maybe, you could make her want to get that help. But in order to do that you will have to be ready to walk out on her and not jsut say you will but do it and mean it. Now, if you are, then you could and should probabyl set her up for the walk out. You do things that make her feel special for a short while, and act like you expect nothing in return, cook her dinner, buy her a gift, etc. Make her feel loved, then get ready to walk out. But you need to realize you need to honestly want to try to make her feel special to do it, and be ready to be firm in that she seeks help or you are gone. If you leave and mean it, then maybe she'll realize this is something she needs to do a few days or weeks after you are gone. But you askign her to go and her not going without consequences is never going to lead to a solution. It will only lead to you leaving. So try to make it effective.

[DN]

good advice Beec, it's what I meant about decision time.

[7CardStud]

myself being a extremely ticlish person, must defend your g/f...

 

It could just be that she is very ticklish...

 

my g/f thought she was ticklish, then she met me... hahah

 

I can even tickle myself! HAHA

 

now thats bad!

[annie24]

Eeek - sorry to hear this! I'm a SUPER tickilish person! When I am with a new boyfriend, I start laughing in hysterics whenever they touch my ribs or my back or my stomach. But, that wears off as I get to know them better and spend more physical time with them.

 

So, after 2 years... wow. I don't know... it sounds like she has some issues with sex. Did something traumatic happen to her? Have you tried going slow, like rubbing her belly in a non-sexual way? If she just doesn't like having sex, then maybe you two aren't compatible as a long-term couple. It sounds like if you stay with her and get married, you might have sex once a decade.

 

Have you two considered going to a sex therapist?

 

Good luck with whatever your course of action is!

[DN]

so how ticklish are you now Annie?

[RayKay]

Well, I am one of those posters who has followed your situation here for a while...and knowing it, I doubt your girlfriend is suddenly SOOOOOO ticklish she cannot be touched at all. I mean, I get in tickle fights and I get cramps from laughing so hard...but for me, I want it to keep going to something more! I would never tell my partner or indicate to them that they had to stop touching me (maybe to stop tickling, but not to stop touching!)

 

I honestly think you have been far more patient than most people would of been to this point. I actually did some more reading about your situation the other day, or like ones. For couples who have sex less than 10 times a year they are actually considered to be in a sexless relationship/marriage..whatever. So Sammy going by what you have said before you are on the brink of a sexless relationship and if nothing changes, a sexless lifetime! Hard enough at any age, but you are still so young!

 

You have talked to her, tried to get her to go to counselling....I think it is time you do show her how serious you are, and as Beec said, be ready to walk out. And do it if she calls your bluff. It may spark a change in her, or it may not - either way it seems like it is the only way things will improve one way or another so that things can be more positive in the future.

 

You need to decide how important this is to you, but by your posts, I think it is very much important (as it should be). You have already tried many times, all with her rejecting or refusing to do anything or see a problem...so time to show her how big the problem is. I am crossing my fingers she will realize she does want to do something

[sonjam]

The family dynamics of our childhood can affect our adult relations in any number of ways. Sometimes the connections are fairly obvious: For instance, someone who experienced inappropriate sexual conduct as a child, such as sexual touch from a parent or relative, or grew up receiving negative messages about sex may develop into an adult who is sexually inhibited or has other problems with intimacy

 

I got that from an aricle on sexual dysfunction. Read it here link removed

 

The only alternative I can see for you sammy, is to read about this and see if you can help her, without her realising it. Yes try and talk to her, but I think educate yourself first.

 

This sounds like a case of sexual dysfuntion while growing up, and now she has problems with intimacy. The pills, pains and tickles are all a smokescreen in my opinion.

 

Does she love you? Oh I definitely think she does, and Im sure she feels bad about this situation too, but she does not know what to do, and refusing to go for counciling I think stems from being imbarrased about it. Im going to read up on it a bit, and see if I can come up with anything usefull.

 

This is just another possibility we can try out.

[Amethyst]

If I don't initiate...(pressure) we will not have sex, foreplay or even make out.

 

That should tell you there is a problem. You should NEVER pressure someone into being intimate -- no one should. The fact that you have to pressure her says that she isn't comfortable with it. Stop trying to push her into doing things she doesn't want to do and start trying to figure out WHY she doesn't want to do them.

 

If you truly care about her, then take a few minutes to actually *communicate* with her about the issues that are bothering her and try to get to the root of the problem. Pressuring her will only foster more pain and resentment.

 

Edit: I'm writing this in response to a pm, but I thought I'd post it so all will know where I'm coming from.

 

Yes, I read the past threads. I know he has talked to her before. I also know that he said he's talked about how it makes *him* feel and has said nothing about asking her why *she* feels this way or trying to get to the actual *root cause*. It sounds to me like something happened to her recently and she is having difficulty dealing with it. Someone who truly cares for her would want to help her cope and certainly would not be so selfish as to push her to have sex when he KNOWS she doesn't want it.

[SlipperySammy]

Amethyst: I agree 100%. About a year ago this problem just randomly appeared. I waited because I was scared to say any thing. After 2 weeks I carefully asked her what was up, and why we were having this problem. I have been trying to get her 'open up' ever since then. My biggest question is what is going through her head, and how does she feel about sex?

 

you wrote, "If you truly care about her, then take a few minutes to actually *communicate* with her about the issues that are bothering her and try to get to the root of the problem. Pressuring her will only foster more pain and resentment."

 

The last three weeks I have used these words with her about every other day, "we need to work on our communication, I feel like we have trouble connecting." I am all up for communication...I try and try and try, when ever I bring the issue up she getrs VERY distrought and nothing ever comes of it but her crying and the sex issues just culminates with more pressure on her. At this point you are probably thinking I am to harsh.

 

The first 6 months I was VERY suttle and sensitive... and she was still reacting like this. Recently I have gotton more blunt but I am just grabbing at straws.

 

When I was referring to pressure I really meant just initaiting physical contact like kissing and gentle touching. (It wont escalate because she wont reciprocate.)

 

I hear what you are saying, and I would kill for communication, I am left with the overwhelming feeling she is keeping somthing from me, but who knows.

[Beec]

Sammy from what you describe, first let's make sure I have this straight: you had an active sex life with her until about a year ago; then she began to withdraw from sex; when you have brought it up, she sees the problem; she seems to understand it is a problem; but when brought up, all she does is become distraught and cry; and while she promises to see a doctor, she never gets around to doing it.

 

Now, I am no mental health professional, but she reacts like someone who has a big psychological issue that she does not want to face. If you had an active sex life with her more than a year ago and this happened, something had to change in her head. What and why? Did she go through something traumatic? When? I am not goign to tell you I have any experience with diagnosing these kinds of problem, but she should like she reacts as if she was abused or raped.

 

However, if she won't tell you the problem or deal with it, I still don't see how you stay, unless you accept that you don't have a sex life. Maybe you should try to see if that is the issue. Possibly raise the topic by telling her, I don't care what the problem is, but I want us to work on it. I know that with other women I have known telling them that you accept them as is goes a long way. That does not mean not working with them to help them and yourself improve, you should try to both improve togehter. But if she won't tell you, what can you do.

[Amethyst]

I am not goign to tell you I have any experience with diagnosing these kinds of problem, but she should like she reacts as if she was abused or raped.

 

That's what I'm banking on.

 

Maybe I'm expecting too much, but I still think it's selfish to end it just because she won't have sex.

 

It's not like things will be like this forever -- she just has to have time to come to terms with whatever has happened. Yes, I know she's already "had time", but these things don't work on a schedule. If a woman is raped or abused, it *is* difficult to deal with; and, it's *not* something you can expect her to freely talk about before she's ready to do so. Some rape survivors need years before they are able to discuss what happened with others. (It's a very shaming and humiliating thing, and many feel that no one would love them or want to be around them if they knew it happened.)

 

Whereas most seem to see her refusal to go to the doctor as "immature", I see it as a sign that she just isn't ready to deal with that yet. (If she was, in fact, raped; then, she would have to deal with the physical experience of being examined PLUS the emotional experience of reliving that trauma.) The same is true for the counseling...going for help involves admitting that it happened and reliving it through discussion.

 

Sammy, the way I see it, you have two choices. You can do your best to be there for her and help her work through it; or, you can leave and let her deal with things on her own. It really depends on what's in your heart. In other words, if you decide to stay, then you need to realize it's for the long-haul. If you don't think you can last that long, don't even try.

 

It sounds like she's really going to need the people who really love her and will be willing to work through all of this according to *her* timetable (not someone else's). If you fit that description, that's wonderful -- just let her know you love her, your feelings *won't* change no matter WHAT happened, and you'll be there when she's ready to speak with you about it. If you *don't* fit that description, then go ahead and get out now so that she may find someone who *does*. Staying with her when your heart isn't in it will only make things worse for both of you.

[DN]

Let's not assume she has been raped or abused; It is fashionable but inaccurate to ascribe rape or sexual abuse as the cause of sexual dysfunction. In fact, there are any number of reasons why she might be behaving in this way; to couch advice based on any one of them without knowing the true reason is futile and probably misleading. We are not qualified to make such a diagnosis and she should be seeing someone who is.

 

The problem with Amethysts' post is that Sammy is in limbo – he has no knowledge of why she is acting as she is, or that she acknowledges the problem in real terms, or that she is willing now, or ever, to seek help to solve it. To attempt to make him feel guilty for having to ignore his own sexual needs with no hope in sight of ever solving the problem is to lay a burden on him that is grossly unfair. To demand that he wait until she comes to recognise the need to seek help for her problems in her own time assumes that at some time in the nebulous future she will. But there is no evidence of that, all signs so far point to the contrary, so again that is unfair.

 

If she had a physical problem that was incurable or only curable over a long period of time and would mean there could be little or no sexual activity, then love and compassion would demand that he be strong enough to sacrifice his own needs for the good of his partner. Similarly, if there is a psychological diagnosis that also demands the same sacrifice the same thing applies. But there is no such diagnosis, there may never be any diagnosis, and thereforeeee no prognosis or resolution. thereforeeee Sammy is entitled to question whether the sacrifice he is being asked to make is reasonable. After all, it is not unreasonable that he consider his own needs as well as hers.

[Beec]

Here's the big question, for Amethyst. How long does Sammy wait? How long does he wait for here even to beging to take steps to address the problem? How long does he wait for her to begin the process she needs to go through?

 

I have a good friend who has been married for close to 15 years, has a 14 year old and an 11 year old, but has never seen his wife naked, EVER. When they have sex, the few times it happens, she undresses in the bathroom, and they copulate in the dark. Sex during the marriage has been at best once a month. I think my friend could try to do things to make his wife more inclined to have sex, instead he jsut complains about no sex, which of course makes her less inclined to have sex. But I think she has some issues, few who know her question that she does. How long should my friend wait before finding a mate with whom he can have a sex life?

 

How long should Sammy wait?

 

I think your suggestions are good, but I also think she would need to demonstrate some progress soon, or I would think Sammy should leave. If she is not willing to face the issues, then obviously her fear of facing them outweighs her love for him. He should try to get her to a place where she can make some progress, but he also needs to make her choose, or just accept a sexless relationship. Knowing she ahd a fear that overrode her love for him, I'd recommend him not waiting too long. Help her get around her fear soon, or end it.

[Amethyst]

Let's not assume she has been raped or abused; It is fashionable but inaccurate to ascribe rape or sexual abuse as the cause of sexual dysfunction.

 

I am not assuming. Check back over my posts and you'll find that I state things like I "thought" that might be the case or other phrases like "if she was, in fact, raped". As I said in my first post, SOMETHING caused the change in behavior. That is not an assumption; that is fact.

 

To attempt to make him feel guilty for having to ignore his own sexual needs with no hope in sight of ever solving the problem is to lay a burden on him that is grossly unfair.

 

I am not trying to make him feel guilty. I am saying that, when we love someone, we place *their* needs over our own. If he is unable to do that, I have to question the true depth of his feelings. That's all I'm saying.

 

To demand that he wait until she comes to recognise the need to seek help for her problems in her own time assumes that at some time in the nebulous future she will. But there is no evidence of that, all signs so far point to the contrary, so again that is unfair.

 

Again, you are reading into my post. I made no demand. In fact, I said he needed to determine if this was something he could stay with her inspite of or if he needed to get out now. I made no judgement or demand and even said that it was "fine" if he didn't want to stay. I simply said (as most everyone else has agreed) it's decision time for him -- either he stays or goes, period.

 

thereforeeee Sammy is entitled to question whether the sacrifice he is being asked to make is reasonable. After all, it is not unreasonable that he consider his own needs as well as hers.

 

Again, show me where I stated otherwise. I never said he was not entitled to "decide whether the sacrifice is reasonable". In fact, I stated that very thing (though, not in so many words). I said he had two choices -- stay or go. I left the decision up to him.

 

You're debating that my advice is invalid, but I'm agreeing with your position.

[DN]

Amethyst:

 

I would never state, nor intentionally imply, that anyone's advice is invalid, that would be hubris indeed.

 

However, I did infer from your post and you confirm it, that you question the depth of his feelings if he walks away, and that is what I think is unfair. You seem to place the entire burden of this situation on him and his feelings for her, than at least recognising the possibility that it should be shared and perhaps questioning the depth of her feelings for him.

 

I get the strong impression that if he does decide to walk away that you feel he is somehow a lesser person or has a shallow love. If that is the case, I think it unfair. If it is not then I drew an incorrect inference and apologise.

 

The fact is that in the final analysis Sammy has to sift through all this advice and make his own decision. Perhaps you and I and the others will have helped illuminate something for him

[Amethyst]

I get the strong impression that if he does decide to walk away that you feel he is somehow a lesser person or has a shallow love. If that is the case, I think it unfair. If it is not then I drew an incorrect inference and apologise.

 

While I do think it would prove his love to be slightly more "shallow" (your wording, not mine), I never once meant to imply it would make him a "lesser person".

 

Love is not selfish -- an example of that is marriage vows which state "for better or for worse". Yes, I know they are not married and I'm not trying to say he is under such a vow. I'm simply saying that true love can overcome any barrier. If something lessens or nullifies "love" (as would be the case if this situation causes him to leave her), then I don't see how it was ever true. Time does not determine love.

 

I mean no ill reflection on Sammy. I think most of us (myself included) could probably say that we once thought we were truly in love, but we later realized that wasn't the case. That's the only thing I would see happening in this case -- he has the best of intentions but that doesn't necessarily make his feelings as strong as he thinks (or even wants).

 

Beec, as for your question of how long should he wait, I can't answer that. Again, that's *his* decision and I can't make it for him. I do believe that true love is long-suffering and without time limits; but, again, I do not think it makes him a bad person if his love is not so true and he finds he doesn't want to stay.

 

However, I will agree with this:

 

If she is not willing to face the issues, then obviously her fear of facing them outweighs her love for him.

 

It does work both ways. If she loves him enough, she'll want to work through this. But, at the same time, that doesn't mean anyone should expect her to rush into it. It will *still* take time, and I can't really say that a year is enough or too much -- that's between the two of them.