I'm I being harsh by not wanting to date a man that favors spanking kids?

[MisUnderstood9]

I have used spanking as a last resort last summer with my son (he is 5 now, so 4 at the time). We were out in a park and he was throwing a tantrum because we ran out of bread to feed the ducks. I tried to get him to stop in the nicest ways possible that I could but, I ended up picking him up and leaving the animal farm to go back to our car to go home.

 

The whole way to my car he was slapping, kicking, pulling my hair because he didn't want to leave the animal farm and I completely kept my cool the entire time until we got back to our car. After struggled with him for 45mins to just GET him into the car (not even the damn car seat) I took him out of the car and smacked him once of the butt... guess what.. he stopped instantly and we went home and he was put straight to time out.

 

Was I proud of what I did? Hell no, I felt aweful! But, he got the point after he got the smack on the butt that "Enough was enough". I struggled and kept my cool for 2 hours fighting with him. Tried EVERYTHING I could think of to get him to calm down... the smack in the butt was the last resort and it seemed to be the only thing that finally worked. That was the only time I ever gave him a spanking and he has not thrown a tantrum like that since, he knows better now being a bit older but, if he starts acting up now I start the "count down to 3", by 2 he is doing what he was asked to do (even tho, I seriously have no idea what to do if I ever got to 3 lol) .

 

I think a smack on the butt is not abuse, 1 smack though not multiples. There is no reason to spank more than once and it should only be used as a last resort. I would NEVER EVER hit a child accross the face. My son doesn't cuss or back talk really so I have yet to really have to figure out what discipline to use when that starts, but I still doubt it would be smacking him.

[Fudgie]

Yeah can we just agree that it's just a different way to discipline and that a quick, single slap on the behind of a small child is not the same thing as smacking a child accross the face? Please?

 

And there's no real right or wrong. Spank or no spank. Pick one. It doesn't really matter in the end as long as you are consistent and teach good values to your child so he/she doesn't grow up to be a pr__k.

[yeawutever]

Every child processes things differently. There's no way to say who will 'turn out alright' or who will remember that and live with that fear. Like the OP, for example. Who I know has long-standing trust issues from various threads she has posted.

True and it's with men mainly. Basically anything to do with men using their greater physical strength to install fear or even use his voice to do it (even more towards a child) and the feeling of being overpowered and helpless. Or if a man even slightly suggested a comment that has to do with violence (even at the smallest measurement) or of slapping/hitting in retaliation, that's enough to not want him. It contradicts the very logic of seeing him as a protector.

 

But yeah, I'm trying to solve my issues. I agree. When some parents do that, they don't realize the way that specific child will react...or even relate to the opposite gender if that was the very parent that spanked him/her.

[Cheetarah]

Can't agree to what I don't believe.

 

All I see here(and not just here, but anywhere where this issue comes to light), is that if and how the person does it, it's rationalized as such that it's not an abusive action. Because it was for this reason, or it was X swats/taps/pops/slaps/whatever - End result, a hand connecting to some body part.

 

I have never in my life heard anyone say that they wish they would have been spanked. I have heard many say they wish they weren't.

 

I don't care about people's parenting choices, generally speaking. If they aren't harmful, then I don't really stick my nose in it. But this choice is, and has been studied extensively.

 

link removed

[j.man]

I like the arbitrary differentiation between smacking on the butt as opposed to the cheek.

 

In any case, my mother, a single mother of 5, did not strike any of us.

 

My grandmother, mother of *13,* did not once strike her children.

 

No shortage in interpersonal, professional, or academic success in our family.

 

But I do enjoy the excuses from parents who couldn't handle their *one child who was just TOO UNRULY.*

[jimthzz]

So a man can't even speak in a male-range voice anymore either?

[Cheetarah]

Mother of 13, you say?

 

*passes out*

[yeawutever]

Cheetarah, thank you for the article. I'm currently studying for exams but will read it when I get a chance to.

So a man can't even speak in a male-range voice anymore either?

Still working on my issue. Hard to when the very person you had to fear was the girl's own father. After all that's the very first male figure in our life.

Sure you can speak in your normal voice but anything relating to screaming or a violent streak will freak me out.

[j.man]

Mother of 13, you say?

 

*passes out*

A very remarkable, old school Spanish Catholic woman. It surprises many that she never hit any of my aunts and uncles as our women aren't known for being remarkably shy with the front of their hands!

 

But she wouldn't call herself remarkable. She considers herself a decent woman and holds other women to the same standard.

[Cheetarah]

The remarkable folks never do refer to themselves as such...And it's part of their charm.

 

I tip my invisible hat to her for raising 13 children!

[Seraphim]

My mom was hit almost on a daily basis as a kid by her mom. She resolved to not use corporal punishment because she knew how horrible it felt to be hit. How horrible it felt physically and emotionally.

 

My dad he was knocked senseless and often beat until he was bloody as a kid. My dad left home at 15 because he couldn't take it anymore. He learned a deep and primal hatred of women since his mother did most of the beating. My father hit a few times but nothing nothing nothing near what his parents did.

 

Even a few smacks can devistate someone. Everyone is born with different emotional strengths and vulnerabilities.

 

But I have to wonder why it's okay to smack little people but not okay to smack big people? And people say oh because little people don't know any better. There are lots of big people that don't know somethings either. Why not smack them too? Because they are big they have more rights? This comes down to basic human rights.

[j.man]

But I have to wonder why it's okay to smack little people but not okay to smack big people? And people say oh because little people don't know any better. There are lots of big people that don't know somethings either. Why not smack them too? Because they are big they have more rights? This comes down to basic human rights.

Exactly. I'll remember this next time I'm ever yelled at by a woman and my words just won't quiet her down. Maybe a little thwap will do the trick.

[Fudgie]

Can't agree to what I don't believe.

 

All I see here(and not just here, but anywhere where this issue comes to light), is that if and how the person does it, it's rationalized as such that it's not an abusive action. Because it was for this reason, or it was X swats/taps/pops/slaps/whatever - End result, a hand connecting to some body part.

 

I have never in my life heard anyone say that they wish they would have been spanked. I have heard many say they wish they weren't.

 

I don't care about people's parenting choices, generally speaking. If they aren't harmful, then I don't really stick my nose in it. But this choice is, and has been studied extensively.

 

link removed

I was spanked and I think I'm better off for it, personally. It was all before the age of 5. I remember being spanked, vaguely. It really stopped me from doing serious harm to myself before I was at age to understand why I shouldn't do something, or why I should listen. I'm not a violent person and haven't been.

 

To compare a swat on the butt of a 4 y/o to senseless beating, slaps accross the face, bruising, whipping, etc. is, frankly, hyperbolic. Sorry, thats how I feel.

 

I'm not asking that anyone takes up spanking if they don't want to. If you're against it for your child, cool, that's fine. But I see it as pointless to argue against it for others when many people do not feel the same and their children are fine and laws prohibiting spanking are nearly impossible to enforce. You can continue this argument ad nauseum but no side is really right. It's just a different way to parent.

 

Of course you shouldn't beat your kids. That goes without saying. I just don't think a light swat constitutes as that and many would agree. Just different ways to parent. That's all.

[jimthzz]

The experience in bold is a far cry from what some of us are suggesting about a swat on the butt to prevent dangerous behavior in a toddler.

 

If I were talking about a birthday candle flame, and someone saw that as the same as a flame thrower.

[Seraphim]

The experience in bold is a far cry from what some of us are suggesting about a swat on the butt to prevent dangerous behavior in a toddler.

 

If I were talking about a birthday candle flame, and someone saw that as the same as a flame thrower.

 

But there is no need to even swat a toddler. You take their hand and lead them away from the danger. All that is needed at the toddler level.

[Cheetarah]

You want me(us) to agree that it's simply a "different style" when I DON'T see it that way. I can accept different parenting decisions even if I'd never practice them myself. That is the difference, in that I don't view this as such. I view it like Vic does - A human rights issue. And I'll argue ad nauseam for kids. They can't do it for themselves. Do you not advocate that for which you believe in?

 

There's other ways that are proven as effective. I actually learned something new in that article - About having kids "practice" tantrums. Kind of mind boggling in theory, but really interesting.

[Seraphim]

When I see my son and how he is I know I did the right thing. Even today I had to stop into the centre to print off my pay sheet and I brought my son. I stopped in the toddler room to say hello. A little guy made his escape as we came in the door. My son gently picked him up and smiled and brought him back into the room and gently set him down and smiled and said , " stay in here and be safe little man. " and he fluffed the boy's hair.

 

It was beautiful. The boy was safe and my son did it kindly .

[Fudgie]

I just don't see swats as a human rights issue, but to each their own. I believe there are much more pressing things, horrific things, that I'll advocate against, personally. There are many things that people do that I actually really dislike but I don't always advocate against them. We have to pick our battles. If you feel it is worth the fight, have at it.

 

Just be aware, it's nearly impossible to stop legally, since a proper spank does not leave a mark and many small children forget about it.

[kamurj]

The thread has run its course, closed.