Had my lightbulb moment...

[Heartbrok3n445]

Well I think one of the best things that could happen to me in this break up has happened. I have finally had my realisation.

 

Now I literally have spent my break up crying, begging, apologising to my ex, saying I would change, etc. Spending my time blaming myself and thinking 'maybe if I did this, maybe if I did that'. Omg was I stupid!

 

When me and my ex broke up before for two months (a year into our relationship) he started smoking weed a lot, drinking a lot and trying to talk to any girl he could. He then begged for me back and he changed.

 

Now, two and a half years later here we are again. I found out today he has been smoking weed again and doing other drugs as well. Just like before. He is also talking crap on me... just like before.

 

He said to a girl that he swears I am a she devil lol and also that he had broken up with me a month ago when it had only been a few days!

 

He also keeps saying to this girl who is also going through a break up (and also does drugs) that I'm a crazy and 'my ex used to take all my money and me over and I was the nice one'. ARE YOU SERIOUS. Like it was literally the other way around and he KNOWS that!

 

I KNOW he knows that I'm not like that. He knows everything I ever did was because I was trying to do the best for us and our future. He told people on multiple occasions that he appreciates that I do those things.

 

I also found out that he was probably doing drugs before we broke up, etc. He also told a friend he was moving out again cause 'he was mature for a bit but now he's bored' then a few days later said he knew he wanted me forever at a wedding, etc (and I know those comments were genuine).

 

Finding out these things has been a blessing.

 

I was so scared and worried that everything was my fault, that I wasnt good enough and he'd always remember the bad of me. That he was living a happier life and would be better off without me.

 

Sure, he may be happier, but I'm no longer worried or scared of what he may think because I know there will come a time again where he thinks of me and realises everything. Maybe not while he's doing drugs and stuff but he will once his head is clear.

 

I've probably made his ego grow so much with all my begging. He probably thinks I will be easy to get back when he calms down just like last time.

 

But now I don't care that he thinks that... he can go ahead and believe it.

 

I am not jelous of his life or worried about not being in it anymore because I know I'm better off and I'll come out on top regardless of whether he regrets it, comes crawling back or never says a word to me again. I know that I will still come out better.

 

Sure, I will probably still have bad days, cry sometimes and miss him, even sometimes want him back. But I could never have him back as who he is now, and I could never risk going back to that when clearly he does not have the capabilty to not give in to influences around him. I would never allow him back into my life after everything that's happened.

 

He thinks I know nothing. He has turned the blame on me for everything when in reality my instincts were correct all along. I now do not regret ANYTHING - before or after the break up - because at least I admitted my wrongs and never tried to turn it around.

 

I haven't made up lies about him, I havent jumped into talking to other guys. I've been mature about it. I did so much for him even after our break up and to talk about me to random girls (that isnt even true) is immature, cruel and pathetic.

 

I really feel like I have made the choice myself and I feel really good right now!

[chickadeedee]

Good for you! I'm glad you're not blaming yourself for his issues and lies.

 

Next time though raise your bar... if the guy dumps you once, and/or for cheating and/or drugs, you've learned more than you need to know about his character and need to have a zero tolerance rule for drugs or cheating and expunge the guy from your life the moment you discover either of those. Those are character defects and usually come with a lot of lying too, so this is a person who is comfortable lying and manipulating other people, and you're better off not hooking your wagon to someone with those kind of deep issues.

[lostandhurt]

Acceptance is a beautiful thing when it comes your way.

 

Since he has a pattern of doing this you need to be firm about not taking him back no matter how much he says he has changed. Go total NC on him no matter how many times he contacts you or begs to come back.

 

You have shown the type of person you are and so has he. You took the high road and he took the lying sleazy road. Now you see him for what he really is. Remember that always.

 

You will be just fine and when you are done healing and ready to date again you will be that much smarter when you pick a new guy.

 

Lost

[Heartbrok3n445]

Felt so good yesterday but now I'm feeling down again

 

As much as I know I'm better off, I still cant help but feel heartbroken that he has moved on so quickly though.

 

I was good to him and helped him. When we were together he was a great person and had goals and wanted a future and then it all went downhill when he started hanging out with these friends.

 

It just feels like he see's me as this horrible person. And talking bad about me has really hurt me.

 

Why do they do that even though we were good girlfriends/boyfriends to them?

 

I just want him to regret hurting me and realise what a mistake he made. I know its only been a few weeks but he seem to not have an ounce of regret or anything.

 

Why did that good feeling have to go away

[Heartbrok3n445]

And I'm also heartbroken that he prefers this new life over his life with me.

[rich46]

Yeah the euphoric days are often followed by anticlimactic days, something I have experienced during the last 7 weeks of NC. I do think the low days are getting rarer though, probably one in every five at the moment, whereas they used to be one in every two. It is ok to have those low days though, and I believe that is when a lot of the healing take place, so don't be down on yourself, and take care.

[chickadeedee]

>>I just want him to regret hurting me and realise what a mistake he made. I know its only been a few weeks but he seem to not have an ounce of regret or anything.

 

He probably doesn't care about anyone but himself at this point. But that just goes back to who HE is and not who YOU are. You can be the most perfect GF in the world, but if he is a lying, cheating dog, he's eventually going to go sniffing around other girls because of who he is. She'll be his new toy for a while (and everyone really loves and is excited about a new toy so it looks like he wants her more than you), until he gets the least bit bored or spots a shiny new toy to chase, then off he'll go again.

 

Remember, a liar and a cheat is not about loving another person deeply and building a fabulous relationship, they are about chasing the latest high, the latest new thing, excitement and stimulation and especially their latest whim. People to them are interchangeable parts, and they jump from person to person without a second thought based on their whim of the moment.

 

So you need to stop thinking about him and start thinking your own needs and working on healing, letting go, and finding a GOOD guy who does have the same values and goals that you do. This guy just wasn't it as you discovered, but it takes time to really uncover what a person is about. Because you are a normal and honest person when you fall in love you will get attached and will of course feel pain when you lose the person, but you also will eventually find a guy who is worthy of your love. This guy just wasn't worthy of it, as he has openly proved!

 

So this falls into the category of you have to kiss a lot of toads before you find your Prince. This guy was one of the toads. So keep moving, keep busy, be kind to yourself, and when some time has passed and the connection fades, you will be ready to go out and find someone more worthy of your time and attention.

[Heartbrok3n445]

Thanks everyone! He never cheated while we were together that I know of, but literally started adding and talking to whoever he could as soon as we broke up (just like last time).

 

It sucks because he does have a good side (hard to believe I know). He really did change at a point and when he was around me, my friends or his other friends, he was a good person who didnt give in to influences to have a good time.

 

It's just he seems the only people who he becomes super close friends with are people who arent the best influences on him.

 

I dont want to make excuses for him or anything but its hard when I know what a good person he can be. He is VERY selfish, especially now, and when he gets in these ways he really doesnt give a crap about anyone else.

 

I have treated him better than anyone else has in his life. I supported and loved him for who he was and I really believe he will realise that.

 

Now I know these things and have a much clearer head space than before, I know there was nothing I could do to save this relationship. This break up had to happen.

 

He probably needs this so that he can open his eyes and realise things for the future (omg I said the same thing the last time lol!). He treats the people who care about him the most the worst.

 

Part of me feels like he will realise soon that this life he is living really isnt the best and that he threw away a future and a good girl. Unfortunately even if he comes back I dont think I could ever forgive him for how he's treated me and I hope one day he see's that he ruined something good for him!

[rich46]

Sounds like you are progressing in your healing process. Still ups and downs ahead, sometimes even within the same day as I am currently experiencing, but it is all part of the road to recovery. Keep at it, and slowly try to move the emphasis away from him, and onto YOU, and YOUR future.

[lostandhurt]

Do you see anything telling in your words about him?

 

I see that he hangs around others like himself. The guy he is deep down when the "good guy" you describe isn't covering it up. He likes these people because they are cut from the same cloth and don't judge him or think he needs to improve himself. This group thought allows all of them to deceive themselves into thinking there is absolutely nothing wrong with the way they live their lives.

 

This is who he is at his core.

 

Don't let your imagined idea of how happy he is or that he is with some new great girl already detour you from your path of healing. He is using some poor girl like he used you. If he finds happiness in that lifestyle then be happy for him but also know his way of life is to different than yours for you two to ever work things out.

 

Healing takes time and a lot of honest reflection, not just seeing the good times but also remembering the reality of all the conflicts.

 

You are doing great

 

Lost

[AmelieM]

Lost - this isn't my thread, but your words ring so, so true for me. I always had a problem with my ex's friends because they were a group of, well, frat boy d-bags They were the type who would make crude jokes and put down others with little thought, including making racist, sexist, and homophobic jokes with no care as to how they might hurt others, and propagate stereotypes. I hated them, and had no idea what my ex saw in them. I convinced myself they were just baggage from the past, and he wrote a few of them off when we were together. Told me he didn't have much in common with them anymore, and used to be like them himself but isn't any longer. Well, I see now that he did it only to appease me, and in reality did not change, because he went right back to those people after we broke up. It hurts me to know that I had been fooling myself, but I keep reminding myself of what you say. If he finds happiness with those sorts of people, then we were far too different at our cores to ever work things out. And I was just in denial about it all along. That part stings, and makes me feel foolish for seeing someone who wasn't really there.

[blanco]

Please understand that it is perfectly normal to feel like you've made a significant breakthrough, only to feel glum not long after. It's normal. It's almost like you're teetering back and forth between anguish and true healing.

 

The most important thing to do is stop focusing on his life. I'm kind of a hypocrite, because this has been my biggest hurdle in breakup recoveries. Too much analysis, especially about what THEY are thinking or about THEIR new life. When really, the most sensible thing is to analyze my part in the breakup and what my new life is going to look like. It's really hard, especially early on, but I think you'll find yourself having more good days if you try to curb extended thoughts about how happy you THINK he is in his new life.

[Heartbrok3n445]

Thanks everyone. I am trying not to focus on it but its hard. I felt so good that day, really though I would start moving on and felt confident that I would come out on top and be able to move on.

 

Yesterday and today I just feel empty again. I keep trying to think the way I was thinking that day but it isnt working.

 

I am missing him. And I'm so sad. He hasnt even contacted me at all which makes me even more sad.

 

I thought this would really be my breakthrough and it was for a night but now I feel like I'm back at the start.

 

The time we've been broken up for is growing but I feel like I'm not any where close to being okay.

[Ms Darcy]

I was good to him and helped him. When we were together he was a great person and had goals and wanted a future and then it all went downhill when he started hanging out with these friends.

 

I think this is why a relationship between you wouldn't work. When he was with you, he was who you wanted him to be. He's who he wants to be now.

 

And you clearly are not compatible with the new guy.

[Heartbrok3n445]

Well that makes me feel guilty and bad now... I didnt force or make him be that way... I didnt stop him from doing anything that he wanted.

 

He just was like that when he was with me and other people. Then around certain people he changes to do these things.

 

He always used to say how appreciative and greatful he was that he was out of that stuff and how I had changed his life, etc. Then he became close with these friends and I guess wanted to do the same things as them.

 

But I never forced him to be different.

[BrookeHx]

You can blame yourself, him or his friends but while ever your doing that your preventing yourself from moving forward.

 

Your tormenting yourself, can't stop thinking about him and trying to work things out. Your doing this because you care so much about him.

 

Don't you want to be with someone who cares just as much about you? After everything you've been through, now more than ever you need to take a step back.

 

Focus on yourself. Look after yourself, respect yourself and love yourself. If he realises his mistake he knows where to find you and he'll have to put the work in to show you he's sorry. But don't wait around until then you deserve more than that.

 

Right now he knows if he texts you or calls you you would jump at the chance to fix things. That's why he isn't in a rush. He knows you'll be waiting around for him.

 

Make plans with friends/family. Treat yourself. Try something new.

[blanco]

So I noticed you mentioned in another thread that you two are both pretty young (20 and 21), which changes my thoughts on some things. I'm going to tell you what my uncle told me when I was tormenting myself when I was 22 about a breakup of a relationship that dated back to when I was 17: You don't know what you want.

 

I'm not saying you aren't allowed to feel awful. I certainly did with my situation, even though the incompatibilities were really evident. It's just that you two are still so young and there's a non-zero chance that you both have changed quite a bit since you started dating in high school. And there's an even greater likelihood that you two will be markedly different people five years from now. We're considered adults at 18, but I think that's pretty funny when I consider who I was at 18, 21, even 25. Grieve, but don't prolong your agony over someone who is not as invested in a relationship as you are. At your age, there is absolutely no reason to settle. You will come to realize this more and more as you get older and hopefully allow yourself to explore new relationships with other people.

 

And my uncle was right. I didn't know what I wanted. I can tell you that if I had today what I was convinced I wanted at 22, I would be quite unhappy. I would've missed out on some wonderful people who have come through my life since then. I would've missed out on great experiences, and yes, even some more heartbreak that helped me grow as a person. I would've missed out on these things strictly so I could remain comfortable. Comfortable, but not fulfilled, mind you. I'm so glad I didn't get what I wanted. I suspect the same will be true in time with you, especially if you shift the focus to YOU starting now.

[PaintWithLight]

He is a manchild. He has a lot of work to put in on himself. Being single is the best thing for him right now.

[Heartbrok3n445]

But how do I start moving forward and focusing on myself?

 

I thought I could do that after the other day but I've gone back to square one since because he just seems to happy without me and its obvious he doesnt miss me or second guess his decision.

 

I know we are young. But I cant help but feel the same thing as last time will happen and he'll come crawling back. How do I stop myself from feeling that way?

 

And because we are young and I know he needs to be single right now, do you think there will be a chance of him realising anything and trying to get me back? (I know I shouldnt ask but I want to).

 

I dont know how to start moving forward and I dont know how to stop thinking about this.

[blanco]

You start focusing on yourself by eliminating thoughts such as "he just seems too happy without me and its obvious he doesn't miss me or second guess his decision."

 

First, you don't KNOW these things. You are just assuming them because he's playing things cool right now. You aren't privy to his thoughts, only what he tells you, and by the sounds of it, he hasn't told you anything. So you're letting your fears swell up based on your own assumptions, not necessarily anything rooted in fact.

 

I think most of us go through a period of time where we would like nothing more than our ex to realize their supposed mistake and come rushing back to our side. Sometimes it happens, but honestly, more times than not, it doesn't happen. And if it does, it's not long until the cycle is repeated. Why? Because often the reasons for the original breakup are not addressed, changed, or worked on. People reunite because they miss the other person, but what happens when the novelty of the reunion wears away and the original cause(s) of the breakup are still there?

 

I'm going to be blunt: DO NOT WAIT FOR HIM. I get the need to grieve, to process, etc. But you will never start the necessary step of healing if you cannot tell yourself that he is gone. Maybe later on he comes back into your life, but you should not put your life on pause while you wait for a moment that may never transpire.

 

Allow yourself to think about the relationship and what happened, but do not let yourself get caught up in dwelling on what he MIGHT be thinking or MIGHT be doing or MIGHT be feeling. That takes all of the focus off of you. Use this time to reconnect with friends, family; find new hobbies. Get reacquainted with old ones. Exercise. Get out of your home if you need to. Whatever you need to do to not sit around all day thinking about him and what he's doing. I know it seems impossible, but until you really try, no healing can happen.

[Heartbrok3n445]

I think my issue is that I'm stuck IN this cycle. Because this is so similiar to last time, I guess my mind just assumes the same outcome will happen. Not saying I would necessarily go back to him after time passes but maybe I'm stuck in the cycle? I don't know.

 

I think my issue is I dont feel I have answers. He never gave me a definate answer, and maybe thats because he doesnt know the answer but I still feel confused. I'm trying to take his ACTIONS as my answer but I'm one of those people that needs to HEAR it.

 

I know its annoying that I keep going on and on about the same thing and it looks like I'm not learning or putting things into practice, but venting and talking and going over it helps me. Last time in my break up I did the same thing, and the second month was better so I'm hoping that happens again.

 

I know I cant assume what he's feeling or thinking but like I said before, I'm trying to take his actions as answers. I mean, you don't call you ex a b***h and say the things he's said about me if he still had feelings for me? I mean I don't know if that's an immaturity thing but still.

[rich46]

As mentioned already, I am going through a similar cycle. Rather than my ex verbally abuse me and turn nasty though, she simply suddenly started pulling away and when confronted a week later, she ignored my phone call and that was that. After three years. Finding 'closure' is definitely a big deal if you make it like that, and I'm not sure I have the answers as currently trying to deal with it myself.

 

I remember struggling with the stuck-in-a-cycle feelings during my last break up about five years ago. I did move on and started dating others, but my ex eventually became more and more persistent after 3-4 months NC and we mistakenly got back together. Much too quickly. I learned a lot from that. The issues were the same as before, and we broke up about six months later, for good. This second time was very easy to move on from though, and I finally got my closure from that, i.e. gave it a second chance, didn't work, no regrets.

 

Trying now to achieve that feeling as there is no guarantees that an ex will come back every time to offer closure. And in any case, I have learned my lessons and wouldn't want to revisit it after the trust has now gone. I suppose it is true and that we just have to find closure from within, and via their actions, but yeah it is tough.

[Heartbrok3n445]

In your last relationship, were you the dumper or was she? I wish it was easier the second time round for me but its been much harder, I think because we did have a period of 2 years where things did change, than obviously this year started going downhill.

 

I'm sorry your ex just ignored you - I think I'd rather him be mean to be than ignore me! Although he did ignore me earlier in the week when I broke NC.

[rich46]

In your last relationship, were you the dumper or was she? I wish it was easier the second time round for me but its been much harder, I think because we did have a period of 2 years where things did change, than obviously this year started going downhill.

 

I'm sorry your ex just ignored you - I think I'd rather him be mean to be than ignore me! Although he did ignore me earlier in the week when I broke NC.

She was the dumper, although it was more of a "I need time and space" etc etc rather than a big fall out. It was as amicable as could be really, just told her that I needed to be in NC so she could have the required space. I ignored her texts when she started the contact a few months later, and she started acting needy, texting and texting, saying we need to talk, etc. Like I said though, I eventually succumbed at the expense of the new girl I had just started getting closer to, and things just went back to before pretty quickly. Definitely taught me a lot about rekindling, and how difficult it is. Never looked back after that second break up as there were no more "what ifs"

 

Well looking back to my recent break up, she did give me hints during the week of pulling away, and I guess she just couldn't handle it when she realised that I sensed this pulling away, and wanted to talk. Guilt? Immaturity? Probably both as she was a good deal younger than me without prior relationship experience. Getting towards the acceptance stage and at least without a messy ending, and without contact, it will eventually lead to me looking back with a deal of fondness, and NC has made me realise we had different plans for the future anyway which weren't in synch.

[rich46]

Although he did ignore me earlier in the week when I broke NC.

I also think being ignored has made it easier to continue with NC.

 

It feels incredibly sad to be ignored by someone like that...pure disrespect more than anything. At least it feels like that when the break up is still fresh. Remember the feeling and never initiate contact again. That's the way I view it anyway. Don't feed their ego haha!