Am I getting upset for no reason?

[TheD87]

There was a thread here earlier, but basically I have feeling for a girl I work with who has (had) a boyfriend. My idiot friends gave me a hard time about, making jokes about her and me constantly. There was a thread on it. They all knew I really liked her and were pushing for me to make a move even though she had a BF, and told me they were going to try and set us up.

 

Last night her and one of my good friends, probably one of my best friends, were really flirty when we were playing trivia. He was one of the ones who was giving crap, not as bad, but he clearly knew how much I liked her and he and my office mate kept pushing me to ask her out.

 

So I asked him today point blank, I am getting some vibes, is something going on with you two? He said that I am good at picking up vibes, so I asked, is something going on and he said yes. So I asked her best friend at the office if her and her BF broke up and she originally said I don't know. Then later the friend told me "Yea they broke up, but she told me if I talked to you to tell you that she wants to be single for the forseable future".

 

Is it wrong that I am really mad at the moment?

 

I am mad at her because her and I have become real good friends, and she is going to flirt with one of my best friends in front of me, knowing I liked her, and then tell her friends to lie to me when they tell me she broke up with her BF to be single for a while when I already know her and my good friend are together.

 

I am mad at him for basically going out with someone he knew I really liked and was waiting for her to break up with her BF before making a move. And he goes and makes a move seemingly before they break up.

[Birdie]

Honestly, considering your past threads, I would consider yourself lucky.

 

These people sound so dramatic and it seems like constant high school scenarios keep happening.

 

I know you were quite taken with this girl....but step back and look at her and your friends behaviour. Do you really want to be sucked into this drama even more? I almost guarantee any relationship you would have had with her would have exploded in constant drama with her and your workplace.

 

I would recommend trying to meet people separate from your current group, especially in regards to dating.

[TheD87]

I need new friends. I don't want anything to do with either of them right now. My other friends are telling me I'm over reacting, I'm trying to see if I am or if I'm justified feeling like this

[Birdie]

How you feel is how you feel, if you feel hurt then that's how it is.

 

You don't need your friends permission to be upset by this situation. You're allowed to feel. Just reflect on why this has you so mad, is it a sense of betrayal or as though your feelings have been dismissed? Is it feeling used or lied to by friends? Are these people really "friends"?

 

You can't help how you feel, but you can control your actions. I think taking steps to find new friends would be a great step for you.

[mhowe]

You don't get to call "dibs" on someone else. She is free to flirt or date whomever she chooses, regardless of your interest. Your buddy however...is a snake.

[TheD87]

You don't get to call "dibs" on someone else. She is free to flirt or date whomever she chooses, regardless of your interest. Your buddy however...is a snake.

 

I am not mad at her for going out with him, I am mad at her for telling her friend to lie to me about the situation and play it off like I am stupid and not realizing what is going on. I mean they aren't being good about hiding it, I figured it out.

 

I am mad at him though...I hate the term bro code, but like this isn't cool at all.

[relevart]

You don't get to call "dibs" on someone else. She is free to flirt or date whomever she chooses, regardless of your interest. Your buddy however...is a snake.

Yes, this, especially about your friend. I'd suggest you stop talking it out with your friends, regardless of how you feel. I guess you are young. I was young once, too, and talked incessantly about things that may have been best left alone. At the very least, you seem to confide in all the wrong people. From now on, I'd suggest laying low and putting on a good front. Say you got no beef with the snake or the girl. The less drama, the better.

 

But find new friends.

[chickadeedee]

Dude, everyone's told you at least 20 times you need new friends, and a better class of friends than these immature people. Stop hanging out with these losers. Take it back to strictly work at work, and find people who you don't work with to socialize with. It will uncomplicate your life pretty quickly to do that.

 

Also, it is sad to say, but she clearly is not interested in you romantically and never was, or she would have let you know she was available. It's not a case of the second someone breaks up whichever man hits on her first gets her. She will date who she wants to date, and apparently she wants to date your friend and not you (especially if she told other people not to tell you she was single). That is a hard pill to swallow, but it tells you it is time to REALLY move on and quit hanging out with the whole lot of them including this woman. She's not interested in you romantically, and why bother keeping her as a friend if what you wanted was a romance? It's just wasting your time and is a thorn in your side.

[DancingFool]

Dude, she knows you are into her. It's awkward for her because she is totally not into you. There is no romantic attraction there for her. She probably doesn't want to hurt your feelings or just plain finds it too awkward to tell you point blank to get lost. You work together. So she is doing the next best thing - sending a message that she is not available either because of a bf or because she is not looking to get serious or insert whatever excuse. Bottom line is that she is not into you, she made that clear. Take the hint. Stop hanging around her. It's not going to happen for you.

 

Outside of that, she is free to do whatever she wants. You don't know if your friend is involved or they are just casual or what their deal is. You are making assumptions based on a vague comment. Frankly, it's not your business. She is not your property and neither is he. They want to hook up, they can.

 

Other than that, what's already been said. Get a life outside of these people. You are getting way too fixated and it's not healthy for you.

[Antago]

I think lying is annoying, but 100% you don't get to call dibs on someone because you find them attractive; additionally, your friend has every right to take interest in a girl you find attractive as well. She is a human-being, not a homemade craft you put on layaway. They obviously are trying to be sensitive to your feelings by hiding something that they 100% do not have to keep hidden, so you should take that for what it's worth and just break the ice for them and openly tell them that they don't have to keep their interests secret or lie to you because of a simple human attraction you felt.

[relevart]

Frankly, it's not your business. She is not your property and neither is he. They want to hook up, they can.

It's actually against the Bro Code. If his friend knows how he feels about this girl, it's fundamentally wrong for him to step in without at least talking to the OP about it. It's not about the girl being anyone's property. It's about the friend knowing that the OP likes the girl. Like someone else, said, the friend is a snake.

[Antago]

It's actually against the Bro Code. If his friend knows how he feels about this girl, it's fundamentally wrong for him to step in without at least talking to the OP about it. It's not about the girl being anyone's property. It's about the friend knowing that the OP likes the girl. Like someone else, said, the friend is a snake.

 

No—I disagree. There is no such thing as "bro code", in truth; the whole idea of "bro code" has been invented by testosteroney-grease-pizza slice "alpha" jocks in order to dance around their insecurities, and realistically no soulful human-being is innately subject to this imaginary animalistic set of rules whereby premarital attractions are somehow part of a pecking order. I don't care how much you pay for your subscription to "Bromance Magazine", I'm not buying it.

[relevart]

I'm not buying it.

Well, that's fine. For you. In 1987 when I was in high school, my friends and I would never do this and expect our friends to be OK with it. I had a friend come to me and tell me he was really wanting to ask out a girl that I liked. I wasn't jumping up and down about it, but it meant a lot to me that he would do this. I gave him my "blessing." We never called it a Bro Code or any such thing. It was just what friends did. Or at least those I was friends with.

 

And the girl said no to him, too! Haha.

[browneyedgirl36]

I agree with a lot of the others here: Technically, you had no "dibs" on her because she wasn't available in the first place (and wasn't interested, apparently). BUT...your friend is a jerk. Actually, I think they're both jerks, but...he was your friend first, and he knew you liked her. Yes, he has a right to date whoever he wants, but still...seems like a jerk move to me. It's not like she's the only girl in the world. He could have gone out with someone that wasn't his friend's crush. And, her telling people to lie about the situation doesn't look so good either.

 

I can't imagine ANYONE I call my friend going after a guy I had indicated I liked -- whether the guy was available or not -- nor would I do that to one of my friends. In fact, I was interested in a guy a few years back and found out that another friend of mine was hanging out with him (I didn't know if they were just friends or what), but I chose not to make any move toward him or ask him out just on the CHANCE that my friend really did like him (she did, and they ended up being involved for a bit, but it didn't work out). She wasn't even that close of a friend, either -- not one of my best friends -- but I still felt obligated not to show pursue a guy that she might really care about.

 

Honestly, they're both not worth the stress and bad feelings. Time for some new friends, for sure. Too much drama here.

[Batya33]

How are you certain that the snake told you the truth about what she told him to tell you? He did act like a jerk. And whatever she said/didn't say by her actions you know she is not that into you so move on from that. They are ridiculous and you can do better.

[Antago]

Well, that's fine. For you. In 1987 when I was in high school, my friends and I would never do this and expect our friends to be OK with it. I had a friend come to me and tell me he was really wanting to ask out a girl that I liked. I wasn't jumping up and down about it, but it meant a lot to me that he would do this. I gave him my "blessing." We never called it a Bro Code or any such thing. It was just what friends did. Or at least those I was friends with.

 

And the girl said no to him, too! Haha.

 

I don't think the year 1987 has much to do with anything; the TRUTH of the soul is that she is a free individual, so is he, and so is his friend; it may offer some level of flattery to the more vocal of the crushers to be given a "warning", but it is not required simply because he was vocal about it—and frankly this "bro code" is the very reason they are being secretive, because it's a load of garbage. The blessing should be there as part of being his friend, and it shouldn't require approval.

 

Additionally in the OP, I'm going to also severely frown upon someone vocally attempting to establish a social crush on a girl with a boyfriend; it doesn't matter that she wasn't married—she was unavailable and attempting to establish some sort of dibs with your friends in reference to this girl is utterly disrespectful, even if it's behind doors … It's a form of rooting for her romantic failure, and trying to get some sick sort of attention and support from your friends on the matter has to do with nothing. Frankly, the OP has already shown extreme disrespect, dishonor for her relationship, trespassed on her boundaries, disloyalty by questioning his friendship, paranoia by poking into the dos-and-donts of perceived interactions between her relationship with his friend and a total disregard therefore by being unwilling to bless and accept their feelings and situation, unwarranted jealousy, self-disgrace by being unable to just be content with himself as he is, hypocrisy by crushing on an unavailable girl yet wanting her for himself, coveting, and objectification because it's clear they barely even have a relationship at all apart from his peeping eyes.

 

The solution here is to learn a little thing called free will, love, and respect.

[Antago]

I really think it's more of a bruised ego here to just decide his friend is a jerk because he was pursuing a woman someone else decided to run their jaws about being attracted to; the lesson here is not that his friend is a snake, but to stop trying to establish boundaries where there are none. People have really got to get over their selves about "I called it first"; every person is a universe unto themselves, so to suggest that he could have just "picked a different girl" is a remarkably disgusting comment. People are not toys in a first-come-first-serve clearance bin.

[Batya33]

I agree the OP should not have behaved as he did with a woman who had a bf but he is single and she wasn't married so there is some gray area there. Code or no I think that common sense and friendship requires some form of checking in before acting on feelings. I remember one or two friends of mine not asking if they could set up my ex with a friend of theirs or invite my ex to social gatherings where I was also invited and I felt somewhat slighted -I would have said ok in the first situation and decided not to attend in the second situation but it would have been nice to be acknowledged.

[Antago]

I agree the OP should not have behaved as he did with a woman who had a bf but he is single and she wasn't married so there is some gray area there. Code or no I think that common sense and friendship requires some form of checking in before acting on feelings. I remember one or two friends of mine not asking if they could set up my ex with a friend of theirs or invite my ex to social gatherings where I was also invited and I felt somewhat slighted -I would have said ok in the first situation and decided not to attend in the second situation but it would have been nice to be acknowledged.

 

When dealing with exes it is a different story; I think in that case such activity could weigh on your heart with sorrow … But I am not okay with people crotch-watching others and thinking that their social circles should keep tallies on this sort of behavior.

[TheD87]

Look, she clearly isn't into me. I get that, I am not mad about that.

 

I am mad at her for being shady and basically acting like I am a fool, telling people to lie to me, when she so obviously flirts with him in front of me last night that I actually figured out something was going on before anyone told me a thing just based on her behavior around him. Her acting like I am an idiot and telling people to lie to me is why I am mad at her.

 

The guy involved....I don't want anything to do with him anymore.

[browneyedgirl36]

I really think it's more of a bruised ego here to just decide his friend is a jerk because he was pursuing a woman someone else decided to run their jaws about being attracted to; the lesson here is not that his friend is a snake, but to stop trying to establish boundaries where there are none. People have really got to get over their selves about "I called it first"; every person is a universe unto themselves, so to suggest that he could have just "picked a different girl" is a remarkably disgusting comment. People are not toys in a first-come-first-serve clearance bin.

 

Well, we'll have to agree to disagree, and I stand by what I said. I don't think of people as "toys" in a "clearance bin" -- quite the opposite, actually. From what the OP has posted previously about this group of (very juvenile-acting) friends, however, I'm inclined to think that this is THEIR attitude toward people. I wouldn't be surprised if this "friend" drops this girl in a heartbeat and moves on to someone else, having lost a friend in the process.

 

I'm not here to argue -- just to state my opinion, which is that the OP needs better friends.

[mhowe]

How do you know she asked people to lie to you? Because they said so?

[TheD87]

How do you know she asked people to lie to you? Because they said so?

 

I asked her carpool mate/best friend if she broke up with her boyfriend, she originally said she didn't think so. I told her that I am pretty sure something is going on with her and my friend, she then said "Ok she told me I could tell you they broke up, but that she wants to be single for a while". She was real obviously flirting with him last night and my friend says there is something going on between him. I am super mad at him at the moment and want nothing to do with him, but he is not the type of person to lie or exaggerate something.

[mhowe]

Single people are allowed to flirt. You really are taking this much too personally. She has made it clear that hour interest in her is not reciprocal. Its really that simple.

[TheD87]

Single people are allowed to flirt. You really are taking this much too personally. She has made it clear that hour interest in her is not reciprocal. Its really that simple.

 

AGAIN...I am not mad at her not liking me or liking him...I think she is acting shady and the way she is handling it is bad.

 

Him on the other hand, I am mad at him for basically everything.

 

Keep in mind I just found out within the last few hours so I still may be a little hot on the issue.