Should I stay, or should I go?

[Bskytbcl6]

I'm at a loss, and could really use some outside perspective. I'm married with young children, and although I've been content and mostly happy with my husband, I've always felt like something was missing in our relationship. We hardly fight, he's a hard worker and a good father. We don't have a lot in common as far as interests go, and we are complete opposites where religion is concerned (I'm Atheist, he's Christian). Both of us are introverts, and unfortunately we tend to feed each other's depression and become reclusive when together. Recently I got in contact with my first love. We have been friends for years, and haven't dated in more than a decade, so talking to him felt innocent. He wanted to come and visit me, so I told my husband about him and he was fine with it. Our visit went great, until we were left alone and intoxicated, and we both realized we still have feelings for each other. We were never physically intimate, but we were both fighting back the urge to kiss all night. After he left, our online relationship quickly turned into an emotional affair. He wanted me to leave my husband and go live with him 4 hours away. I was so confused and distraught. After about a month of talking I told him I couldn't leave my husband for him, but hoped that someday things would work out and we could be together. I have since told my husband about the situation, and he has taken the news surprisingly well. He seems to think my "affair" didn't count because we were never physically intimate, but for me the emotional connection we felt was so much bigger than just sex. It's been over a month since I spoke with him, but my thoughts are consumed by him every second of the day. I hate thinking that I have given up being with my soul mate, just because I want to stay loyal to a husband who doesn't feel as deeply for me as this other man does. I want to do the right thing, but I also don't want to miss the chance I've been given to be with someone who truly makes my life a happier place.

[SpottiOtti]

Doesn't it suck when the worlds we build with a person inside our heads come banging up against reality? I've been there, recently enough to still feel the sting.

 

You say something was always missing with your husband. You seem to feel more for the other man than for him right now. Parts of your relationship are working, and parts of it are dysfunctional (particularly the part where you feed each other's depression).

 

Then along comes a guy who seems to have the very things you are missing in your marriage.

 

Be careful not to idealize the other guy. I know it's easy to do because right now you see him as a sort of "savior" from a lackluster marriage, but try really hard to recognize in your thoughts when they are turning to fantasy and when they are based in reality.

 

The most important thing you can do right now is to completely sever the connection with the other guy, and grieve the loss of that connection. You will have to get past the emotions associated with that loss before you can approach the question of whether or not to stay married to your husband.

 

I hope you find some clarity soon.

[patterned]

This is a very typical story, you can read about others in a similar situation. The thing is no one is going to make you happy. That's your job. Looking to your husband or anyone else as the source of your happiness doesn't work long term. No one can do that and this new person won't be able to long term either. That's not the basis for anything but a short term fantasy.

[reinventmyself]

You will trade in one set of issues for another because no relationship is perfect.

Take all that energy and mind space you are dedicating to this other guy and invest that in the marriage you have now.

Commit yourselves to turn things around and create the relationship you desire with the husband you have.

It easy to get in a rut and take each other for granted.

It's actually pretty textbook.

It's hard work and challenging to make the best of things.

If you didn't have kids and you could say something about your husband other than words of complacency, I'd say jump.

But that's not what's going on here.

At the very least don't do anything until you've tried something to turn your current situation around.

It doesn't sound like the two of you have seriously addressed it.

No regrets!

[redswim30]

This is a very typical story, you can read about others in a similar situation. The thing is no one is going to make you happy. That's your job. Looking to your husband or anyone else as the source of your happiness doesn't work long term. No one can do that and this new person won't be able to long term either. That's not the basis for anything but a short term fantasy.

 

While I agree that no one can make you happy but you, I definitely understand what you are feeling. I was married to a man who had NO interest in me. I stayed faithful to him, even though I had TONS of other great guys who showed interest in me. He didn't care, he didn't love me. I deeply understand the "why do I even bother" feeling.

 

But I truly don't think the answer is getting together with this other guy, I think its the feeling of freedom and possibility (what he symbolizes) that you are really in love with.

 

I do worry for you that your husband didn't seem to care. That says a lot. I think you need to reexamine your marriage.

If you don't want to work it out, then you should just consider getting divorced. Don't waste his time if he's not what you really want.

If you do want to try, suggest counseling with him.

 

I will say this, don't stay in a loveless marriage to "prove" anything. No one else has to live in your shoes. It's easy to say "stay married" when you aren't the one IN the bad marriage.

If you decide that staying is not what you want, please don't think that getting a divorce makes you a bad person, it doesn't. Staying in a bad marriage doesn't by default make you a good person, either.

I know lots of people that stay in bad, loveless marriages in order to show what " good people" they are to the world. The lie is that the world doesn't reward you for suffering silently.

And your kids won't appreciate your sacrifice after they are grown either. I know I don't. My parents did me ZERO favors by staying married.

 

I got divorced, became MUCH happier and am now married to a wonderful man who actually loves me, treats me wonderfully, and is a FAR better match for me than my ex EVER was.

I can't imagine if I had stayed in that bad marriage in order to "prove" something to imaginary people who don't live my life and ultimately don't care anyway.

I cringe even now to think of the time I wasted being miserable trying to "do the right thing" instead of reaching out for happiness.

 

Remember, the path forwards isn't always easy. And who's to say what is "right" or "wrong". At the end of the day, it's all opinions anyway.

 

My best advice, stop talking to your old flame for now. Figure out if you want to stay married. Have a brutally honest conversation with your husband. Find yourself. If after some time has passed, you are still thinking of him, maybe then you can talk more about a potential relationship.

 

Right now is not the time to make that decision. Emotionally (because I have BEEN there) you feel like you are drowning, so you are grasping onto whatever positive emotional anchor you can find.

This does not mean that you are in love. It means that you aren't happy and are craving a means to discover happiness again.

 

Good luck to you. If you need to PM me, please feel free. I have been in your shoes, things CAN get better!

[ParisPaulette]

First, drop the whole soul mate bit. There is no such thing. No one out there completes you, you do that yourself. So it's not like you're going to die or forever be unhappy, because gosh that missing part of your soul is not with you since hello, you are married to someone else. Sorry for the rant, but I hate that whole soul mate bit used to justify bad behaviors, I really do. Besides if this guy were really that you would have married him in the first place, so no. Not buying it.

 

Now, on to the business at hand. You sound like you married too young and yeah, it's true, you may be at a crossroads where you and your husband are not really the best of partners. But before you go off trying to fill in a fantasy romance somewhere else with an ex (remember, the guy is an ex for some reason as in you didn't make it work before and you didn't marry him before, so chances are kind of good that ship may end up tanking as well again) you need to stop a minute and realize you have a first responsibility to your husband and yes, your kids. Them especially, all the men be hanged in the deal if nothing else. Because nothing hurts kids like finding out mommy or daddy cheated on their other parent and yes, most kids find out sooner or later if cheating of any sort, even emotional, is going on in the household.

 

So take the time right now to face the music, tell your husband you are not happy with him and your life together, go get some counseling and sort things out and either get a divorce after that, if you both decide it's not working for you, or fix whatever is wrong in the marriage if you decide to stay together. And get that all cleared up BEFORE you let anyone else enter the picture. In the meantime stop communicating with the ex, period. If it's meant to be and he's not just an escape from your problems he'll still be there when you get things in your marriage all sorted out. Or not.

 

But either way you need to get yourself up on a very short rope right now and sort your marriage out before you do anything else. You owe your husband that. You owe yourself that. You owe your ex that. And you especially owe your kids that.

 

Also, I am someone who was once married to a lovely man, but neither of us were in love with each other. Eventually we talked things over, got some counseling, and agreed to divorce rather than face the temptations to have affairs to try and get what was missing in the marriage to begin with. We stayed civil, our kids grew up fine and happy, we each married other people who were a better match. My point in telling you this to illustrate it can turn out just fine if you do the right thing first, not the wrong one.