My boyfriend still has feelings for his ex....5 years on

[lonestarsky]

Hi there, I am new to the forum and was hoping to get some advice on my situation!

 

I met my boyfriend 6 years ago at work, although we initially split up 2 years ago because he still had feelings for his ex. They have 2 children and had been together since they were teens (first love etc). He had cheated on her 3 times so the relationship hadn't been the easiest. 2 years ago she started dating someone new, my boyfriend got jealous and tried to win her back - she told me what was going on and I finished with him.

 

They never got back together but some time later whe and I did, as he said he had sorted out all this 'unfinished business' with her and had moved on. The last year or so has been fine but things have sort of kicked off again. His ex has another new partner, which on the whole my boyfriend has accepted, but he has also told me that he still has these feelings for her and doesn't think they will ever go away. He's constantly texting her (to be fair, he lets me see the texts and they're nothing too bad - mostly raking up the past and telling her he can hardly bear to see her because he never got over her etc, but still, not great). Obviously he can't give up contact or avoid her as they have the children but I've told him I am sick of all this other stuff going on; I don't mind him texting her about the children but anything else is unfair on me.

 

He says he still wants to be with me, that he loves me - its just that he doesn't let many people get close to him (which is true) and when they're close he finds it hard to let go. I don't know what to think. My gut instinct is that we need to break up so he can process these feelings once and for all, I guess I need reassurance that its the right thing to do. I don't know if this issue is because they have children - when you have a child with someone does that mean you've always got feelings for them? Has anyone been in a similar situation? Do you think its possible to salvage anything from this?

 

Thanks to anyone who reads this and for any advice you can give!

[mhowe]

He has told her, and shown you, that he has never gotten over her. That right there is reason for you to walk away.

 

People divorce and move on ---- every day. Having a connection thru the children is not the same as "never getting over".

 

You are nothing more than a warm body.

[Dcgent]

I think you need to find self-respect first, so that you start relationship with those that will respect you. If you had a high level of self-respect, you wouldn't be putting up with this. Obviously you are worried and upset about the situation...so the best way to fix it is set some very VERY clear lines in your relationship with him...#1 being that you will NOT put up with such behavior. But honestly I believe your best bet is to break up with him, spend some time on your own to rebuild your self esteem and confidence and then find someone that is going to respect you. I get the sense that you are lonely and are willing to put up with such behavior for so many years because you don't want to be alone.

[ParisPaulette]

Then dump him, he's using you. Yes, I have no doubt he wants to be with you. After all you ease his loneliness and give him the validation he wishes his ex would give him, but you don't really have his heart or his best of intentions. He should have waited, healed from her, gone full NC AND then and only then when he was really and truly free of all emotional attachments to an ex, started something with you.

 

It's a form of emotional selfishness when someone is so focused on themselves and their own needs that they don't care if they drag others into their own emotional problems and past entanglements and drag them under. Some even use it as a form of control to hold over a partner's head.

 

All you can do is stand up for yourself, tell him "I deserve far better than your half a loaf, suggest you go get some therapy if it's been five years and you can't move on, and don't bring another girl into your weirdness. No one deserves that. Now get your head on straight man, goodbye." Then walk out the door.

 

The fact is hopefully you will, sooner rather than later, because these types of relationships screw with your own self-respect and self-esteem and in the end he doesn't care. It's all about him. And that's not right.

[Clinton]

You're just a placeholder, someone to keep him company because he can't have the girl he really wants.

 

Time to grab some self respect and end it. He's not going to change. Plus he's a known cheater. Tigers don't change their stripes

[Tanzi]

I have children with my ex and we have both happily moved on from each other. We co-parent, we get on well but we have no interest in each other.

 

I know you don't think his texts are "nothing too bad" but personally I would NOT stay with a guy who was sending his ex texts saying how he can hardly bear to see her because he isn't over her. He is basically still pinning for her.

 

Ask yourself this ... if she wanted him back, would he go? From the little you've said it certainly seems as though he would and if you believe that too then the next question you need to ask yourself is whether you are happy being in a relationship with someone who sees you as second best.

 

You should want much more for yourself than that.

[ParisPaulette]

And yes, that's something else. I have kids with my ex and we have both moved on and are happily married to other people now. We also were smart enogh and nice enough to wait, heal from the divorce, be over each other and then start to date other people. And yes, we both coparented and continue to do so and to interact with each other. I actually really like his wife, he likes my husband, it's all good.

 

But there's no way in H I'd ever sleep with my ex or get back with him at all. Even if I were single, even if we were together for some reason. That ship has sailed and it's not coming back and I don't want it to, because hello exes. We couldn't make it work in the first place, so why go down a road that failed again?

 

That doesn't stop us from being good parents or friendly acquaintances. So no, having kids doesn't mean you have a bond that can never be broken. Far, far, far from it. If you can be civil to your ex and coparent that's the rarity. I don't know how many times people have asked me how I did it, still do it, not hate him or slag on him etc. My answer is simple. "I have no emotional attachment to the guy. He was the father of my kids, end of story. And a good guy, but not for me. Again end of story. Next topic please."

 

That's what your boyfriend should feel for his ex and if he doesn't then shame on him for selfishly dragging you into the middle of his unfinished business. DTMFA.

[SpottiOtti]

I'm afraid this may come accross as too direct and blunt, upon rereading; I hope I won't offend:

 

He's a cheater, whose ego is so fragile that he can't bear for someone to move on from him. You want to grab his attention, break up with him and start dating someone else. Guaranteed he'll start chasing after you too.

 

You might also want to get into therapy and figure out why you're okay for being with someone who shows you texts where he professes love for another woman.

 

You are wasting precious time on this guy. You only get to do life once that we know of, so make it count.

[reinventmyself]

""He says he still wants to be with me, that he loves me - its just that he doesn't let many people get close to him (which is true) and when they're close he finds it hard to let go""

 

So. . It sounds like you are justifying that this guy is somehow very unique because he doesn't get close to people. . and therefore can't let go?

Bull on that. .this is a choice and he chooses to stay in the situation and you choose to look the other way and justify his behavior so you don't have to do the hard thing and take firm stand on how you wish to be treated.

 

I will tell you how what my stance is on situations such as this. . I don't share well, neither should you.