An old friend upset at me for insulting his new friend

[ItRainsItPours]

So a bit of a back story, this past New Year I went to my friends party, he's still in college and it got very rowdy. I don't drink around crowds so I am sober as the part erupts around me. I was sitting at a table talking to a friend with my arm outstretched gesturing, at the same time a girl walks by and bumps into my arm and spills her wine on herself. I say "sorry I didn't see you there" but she storms off visibly angry. I just shrug my shoulders and clean the wine out of the carpet.

 

A couple hours later these two girls come up to me and ask me if I was the one who bumped into the girl, that she had been crying about her dress the entire time, and asked if I would apologize. I said I didnt want to because I already tried to apologize even though I didnt think it was my fault. My back was facing her so I couldnt see her and she was carrying the wine, if anything I think it was more her fault. They kept saying how upset she was and that it would help her feel better so I said sure.

 

I go find the girl and say "I'm sorry, if I realized you were upset I wouldve come talk to you sooner."

"Well this was a very expensive dress, I think you should atleast pay for it to be dry cleaned" She says

"...I don't think thats fair, my back was facing you and I didnt see you coming. And you were carrying the wine, if anything it's both of our faults" I say, still in a calm tone because she does seem very agitated

"Well then you can **** OFF THEN! JUST **** OFF THEN!" She screams while putting her hand in my face.

I literally say "Ok" and walk away, trying to diffuse the situation. She follows me in the next room trying to instigate a confrontation, I told her I'm not going to talk to an unreasonable person. Thats when her friends pulled her out of the room.

 

Even though I did not sink to her level and remained calm and non-confrontational, I felt defeated. I know I made the right decision by walking away when she started to scream and curse but it still was humiliating. I thought I might have some drunk knight and shining armor think I caused that and try to jump me with his fraternity brothers. I also felt like she took advantage of me and the situation. By apologizing she took that as me admitting guilt and that I should give her money.

 

She screamed at me because she could. I am 6 feet tall and 230lbs and am a black male, if I were to scream at her I would be met with hostility and very possibly violence. She on the other hand after screaming and cursing at me is met with a bunch of different people asking if she's okay and trying to comfort her. She acted that way because she knew she could, she knew I wasnt going to retaliate in a meaningful way. I go through great lengths to come off as gentle and non-threatening to people due to my appearance. This was a very dehumanizing experience for me.

 

So the girl at the party is friends with my friend Don. Tonight me and these friends were having drinks when the topic of this past new year's came up. I said that girl with the wine was a *insert expletive*. I know, not nice to call people names but it was said lightheartedly and Im sorry but she earned that much with her behavior. My friend Don immediately got offended and started defending her. "She was just drunk, she really is a sweet person". To which I respond a nice person doesn't curse and scream at strangers for no reason, and being drunk is no excuse. He kept defending her and I kept saying that she was not a nice person if thats how she treats people. My friend Don ended up getting extremely hostile saying "She's my friend and I don't appreciate you speaking about her that way in front of me" in almost a challenging tone.

 

Thats when I said whatever and dropped it, and we carried on with the rest of the night. But it got very tense, his tone was extremely adversarial, everyone in the room went quiet during this exchange. I know people defend the people they care about, but him and I have known each other foryears and she could not have been more disrespectful to me if she tried. I tried to be empathetic and as calm with the girl as possible and she all but spat in my face. And Im very hurt that one of my old friends cant see that, that he actually focused hostility at me for being angry at someone for cursing me out when I was trying to be nice.

 

I'm going to talk to him about it because it does really bother me. Do you ENA folks think my friend is not being loyal to me?

[chitown9]

i think your friend is blind sighted by this girl. He is either with her or trying to be with her, if you know what I mean. She, on the other hand, was simply trying to put a guilt trip on you with the motive of trying to get you to pay for getting the dress dry cleaned. When that did not work she got dramatic, drew attention to herself and played the victim.

 

I am glad that you stood your ground and did not get stuck with her cleaning bill for the dress, because that is what that scene she made was all about. Don't sweat this incident. It is not worth your time or energy. Life is too short. Enjoy it.:strawberry: chi

[ItRainsItPours]

I never thought he might be acting this way because he likes her. She is attractive, that would make a ton of sense. And you're right chitown, life is too short to get hung up on negative people.

"To let that which does not matter truly slide"

[AnalyzeThis]

I don't think it is right to call her names, though.

[Willywagtail]

I actually think you should have been a gentleman and offered to pay for the dress to have been cleaned. It may have been your fault, hers or the both of you, but the polite thing to do would have been to make the offer.

 

I mean no disrespect, but I also think it was churlish of you not to want to apologise as well. It was New Year, she was upset about her dress, and she was drunk. All good reasons to swallow your pride and do the polite thing. She may have been acting disrespectfully, but that doesn't mean you should have reciprocated, or called her rude names.

 

Sometimes life is not about being right, but about doing the right thing.

[1a1a]

I completely disagree, totally not the op's fault that some dumb, drunk human was incapable of navigating bodily obstacles at a party. People spill drinks on me all the time out at pubs and clubs, I don't go baying for blood, and apologies, and money, it comes with the territory. Also, the op apologised when the wine was first spilt.

 

Op, I am so glad you did not let her brow beat you into buying a new dress, so much entitlement. Yuck!

 

Sounds plausible that your friend would like to be more than friends with her hence his hostility.

[sophie274]

What happened with the wine was obviously an accident - I wouldn't say it was anyone's fault. It was nice (and the right thing) for you to apologize. I don't think it was necessary for you to pay for dry cleaning, and she should not have screamed at you. I'm sure it does have a lot to do with her being drunk: a lot of people get very emotional and out of control - not an excuse, but an explanation. It does seem a bit of an overreaction for you to feel dehumanized by the experience. Who hasn't gotten yelled at by a drunk person at least once? It´s not pleasant, but you shouldn´t let it affect you too much. It wasn't personal at all, and had everything to do with her and not you.

 

As far as your friend, I think calling her a name unnecessary and rude, and what caused the fight with your friend Don wasn't you saying that, it was you insisting that she was so horrible after he started defending her. I think it would have been more appropriate to apologize for using the insult, say that you just really didn't appreciate the way she treated you at New Years and got a very bad impression then, and then moved on. Don doesn't have to be sleeping with her or want to be sleeping with her to get upset that you're insisting she's a jerk. I just think that's a bit lacking in social tact. No one likes to hear someone insulting their friend, even if the friend really did something reprehensible. Perhaps if you'd been a bit more mild "we had a bad encounter on New Year's Eve and she behaved very poorly towards me" rather than "she's a horrible person", Don would have been more sympathetic.

[ParisPaulette]

Oh.my.god. That girl is a total whackadoo, "I'm a speshhhullll snowfwake and I deswerve all the attentions and you owe me a new dwess, because I'm too much of a moron to carry a glass of wine and watch where I'm going at a crowded party."

 

Tell your former friend to have fun when she finds some reason to freak out on him and never speak to either of them again. Give. me.a.break. If she were my daughter I'd have some very harsh words for her and make her apologize to you.

 

Zero tolerance for people like that. You were a whole lot nicer than I would've been, that's all I'm going to say about it. You don't need people like that in your life, period. And you didn't call her a name until after you had tried to handle things with her repeatedly, but the fact is she wasn't going to get handled on it. My suspicion is she may not even have intended to pay for that dress, just purchased it for the party then was going to take it back until the accident. Besides wine can be cleaned out of a dress and if it's that damn expensive then don't go to a party and drink in a dress you're afraid to get dirty in first place, you total moronic little twit. See, I'm insulting the girl and I don't even know her, but her actions are simply beyond the pale in my books.

 

Yeesh, some people's sense of entitlement really chaps my hide. I'm afraid your friend wouldn't have liked what I had to say about her either.

 

Oh yeah, and I'm a woman by the way, who's had plenty of drinks spilled on me.

[Unreasonable]

I think you mostly did everything right. However, when someone starts vigorously defending someone, take it as a signal there is something going on between them (even if it is just a strong friendship) and just drop it. If she was Don's wife, you wouldn't have called her that, would you? You cannot "win" in that situation.