Would really appreciate opinions/advice!

[SarahBee]

Hi guys,

 

I'm new here, hello! The advice around here seems pretty good so I'm hoping someone can help me.

 

I went out with a guy for nearly 5 years. The most incredible relationship of my life. We got on great and although we fought about things, we always overcame over issues. We lived together for the final year of our relationship, which didn't do us good though, as he slipped into a bit of depression and I felt shut out, so we both kind of gave up as he wouldn't let me in and I got tired of trying. (His parents are divorced if that makes any difference...hes 28 now and they split when he was 15. Hes not the best communicator sometimes but when we took it slow we'd talk it out with any fights int he past)

 

Anyway, we broke up October 2013 but remained wonderful friends, best and close friends. I started dating other people to see what was out there, all strangers and although he knew I was dating, he didn't know any of the people or any of my business. Throughout most of last year I dated several guys but none had a patch on my ex. My ex never dated anyone while we were split up. Fast forward to October 2014 and we're still getting on great - on nights out we start hooking up and I figure this is the start of getting back on track with my ex who I love and he admitted to still loving me.

Around Christmas just gone and he's still a friend but acting a little distant. Turns out he's started seeing a family friend, his sisters best friend who has always been around, even when he and I were together. I guess they developed feelings, as while I was out dating strangers, he would spend a lot of time in with his family and her. I'm shocked and hurt over it - I thought we were getting back on track, and this seems like a relationship of convenience.

I did all the stupid stuff in the beginning, begged him not to date her and that we could make it work. He said hes being sensible though, that we can't get back together and he'd like to be my friend but he can't talk to me while I'm emotional and discuss relationship things with him as it's not appropriate as hes in a new relationship.

 

So weve gone from chatting every day and being a huge part of each others lives to barely talking and seeing each other from a distance in a mutual friends hangout.

 

Is it over? I'm not sure what to do, I experienced other people and i know hes the one for me. Is he perhaps taking his turn to see if the grass is greener? I'm afraid this might stick because they know each other from childhood - it just feels so convenient and strange to me, how do feelings disappear just like that when someone new comes along? I have an email from him in July 2014 saying how he still loves me and thinks of me all the time, that hes always mine and trying something with someone else would be pointless as it would never compare to our amazing relationship. The email was also sad as he said we couldnt afford to hurt each other again. I guess he also changed his mind about not trying anything with anyone else!

 

Anyway, I've accepted their relationship but I know he's the one for me and would appreciate advice as to what I should do next. He also said we would never be in a relationship again, but I had the same sort of frame of mind when I started dating people when we split as I was still hurt. He seems adamant though but still wants us to be friends it seems. He said he doesnt want to fear me contacting him will end up in me discussing 'us' when there is no us.

 

Sorry if it's long and thank you guys in advance, it would mean the world. Trying to stay positive here! I'm sad it took me nearly a year to realise I want him forever but maybe now I'm too late.

[mhowe]

Hmmmm ---you guys split up and you go on to date others and he stays single.

 

Then, you hit a dry patch and start hooking up a year after the break up. But don't discuss anything.

 

Then HE says the hookups need to stop because he has a thing going on with a friend of his sisters.

 

Well --- of course he changed his mind. He found someone to share a relationship with! Did you think he would just wait around until your wild oats were done!~

 

You need to realize he and you are two different people with two different mindsets. After the break up, you dated around and that is fine.

He decided to heal and rebuild himself --- and over a year later found himself ready to open his heart again.

 

You need to leave him alone until you can see him and be happy for him --- and not discuss the past, or a future relationship with him.

[SarahBee]

Well, I did stay friends with him the whole year. It's like he had a girlfriend but commitment free you know? I included him in everything and treated him like a prince. He insisted after we broke up that things were too painful. While I was dating people I did ask him should I stop, that he was the one for me but he said we don't work so I continued but always made time for him.

I guess I thought it was over until we were hooking up again. Why would he choose such a convenient path when I showed him I cared? Do you really think theres no hope left mhowe? We get on amazingly and he still wants to be friends but while we broke each others hearts I know were meant to be and am willing to do it all over again and learn from our mistakes but he seems scared, too sensible.

Surely if something was meant to happen with this girl it would have happened long before?

And he emails me saying hes still in love with me and admitted we're not something you just get over but then suddenly this new relationship changes everything? A girl that was always known as sort of like 'his sister?'

[Clinton]

Free sex, what guy says no to commitment free sex.

 

Stay friends if you can handle it emotionally but right now you are the " In case of emergency, break glass" friend. You're a backup.

[mhowe]

You asked him if you should stop dating other people ---- and he said "no, don't --- we won't work out", so you kept dating.

 

You guys stayed friends. And when you stopped dating, became FWB.

 

You always "cared". And he held fast to "it won't work". So --- FWB is kinda a default when no one discusses anything and both assume the other shares their own viewpont.

 

He isn't scared. He has found someone he has a lot in common with and they have slowly morphed into a relationship.

 

No --- friends of family kinda of relationship sneak up on you. You are hanging out for a while, and learning about each other without the pressure of "dating", and the next thing you know....a KISS and fireworks. Actually, these tend to be long lasting relationships because everyone already knows each other --- sisters, moms etc.

 

I think YOUR time together as romantic partners has ended. And now isn't the time for a friendship.

[SarahBee]

You dont think youre being a little harsh? I put so much energy and effort into the relationship with him, he has problems but I always took the time to be patient and build it up with him. He has admitted to being scared. I couldn't force him to reconsider, we were both scared. But we got on so well this past year, I thought we could give it another go.

Now he's with someone who is the complete opposite of me, but the week before he was telling me how wonderful I was. Do you see anything from my side at all? He was also part of my family and we spoke daily. His family wouldn't be as close knit but he loved being part of mine.

[mhowe]

What the relationship originally was no longer has any bearing on the present.

 

YOU thought we could give it a go. He told you from the get go it would never work again.

He watched you date other guys for a year. What do you think he was thinking all that time? And why do you think he told you it would never work?

 

He does think you are wonderful. As a friend. Whom he does not want to give his heart to again.

[Clinton]

I don't think it's harsh, just reality

[SarahBee]

So what if I step back and be his friend when I'm ready? We are in the same friend group. What if he realises I'm the one? COnsidering this is his first experience after me, it just seems kind of convenient. As I said, if something was meant to happen there perhaps it would have already?

I do get where you're coming from and I haven't been interfering, we haven't talked about it since January, I haven't bombarded him with madness. I just don't think its over - perhaps he associates the depression at the time with our relationship and needed the time to heal. But we get on incredibly well and its very clear the attraction and love is still there.

He's a very shy person and can be doubtful with himself sometimes. I definitely brought out some confidence in him over the years and he brought out a softer side of me.

[mhowe]

Hon --- you aren't "the one".

 

He told you after you broke up --- we will never work out.

He told you after the FWB was going on --- said hes being sensible though, that we can't get back together and he'd like to be my friend but he can't talk to me while I'm emotional and discuss relationship things with him as it's not appropriate as hes in a new relationship.

 

It isn't "convenient". You want it to be --- it is actually very considered. He has taken his time. It is happening as we speak.

 

You are grasping at straws. Perhaps the depression was caused by the relationship and him wanting to get out?

 

He loves you....as a friend.

[SarahBee]

Hes had depression on and off for the last few years, before I was even with him. So weve been side by side in any way we can for the past 6 years and suddenly he's gone, like that? Seems strange.

If someone loves you as a friend they could fall for you again. I just think it's meant to be. We both hurt each other and did silly things. If he 'wanted out' so bad why would he spend every day speaking to me and hanging out?

[Denguin]

It could be his turn to see whether the grass is greener, for sure. But you had your go at that as well, right? You found the grass wasn't greener. Don't you think you'd be hypocritical if you didn't allow him the same opportunity?

 

Feelings of love are a funny thing. They can be there one day, and they can vanish a month later. I have a love letter from my ex telling me that "she couldn't see herself with anybody else, ever". What do you know? I'm as single as could be, and she's off dating some other guy (I'm pretty sure, anyway). I'm sure what he said to you then was genuine, but it's just a fact of life that people's thoughts/feelings change over time.

 

From what of my favourite TV shows: "... But I guess if you truly loves someone, you have to be able to let them go [if that's what they want]". I don't think you've quite accepted their relationship yet despite you saying so. If you accepted their relationship, you wouldn't be wondering "what to do next".

 

You won't like to hear it, but the only thing to do next is respect his wishes. If you don't, you'll only push him away further. Who knows? Maybe down the line you two might somehow work... But he's made his choice clear, and nothing you say or do will change that. If you feel like you cannot be friends with him during this time, tell him so. You need to move on.

[SarahBee]

Thanks Denguin, I appreciate it! Of course he can have his chance, that would be terrible not to let him. I guess its because we were hooking up it was a bit of a shock you know? Also I know her, I dated strangers but it hurts a lot that I know this girl and I had to block them both on Facebook at the beginning so I wouldnt lash out - although hes such a great guy he would never post anything to hurt me.

I have definitely accepted it as far as I can now (2 months) in the way that I mean I havent bothered him as I wouldnt like ot push him away, but sometimes I have my ups and downs but I know theres nothing that can be done, I just have to move on. I guess I was just hoping for advice to keep me strong. We both made mistakes but I know in my gut there is something there, and I'm willing to get on with my life but he'll always be in it so I think I will always have a glimmer of hope even if I cant act on it.

 

This is the longest ive gone without seeing him so I guess it makes things feel weird/worse but I bet once we go for a coffee when I have a better handle on things we will laugh and joke like we always do and hopefully thatll make all this emotional madness worth the pain.

[jimthzz]

You missed the ride and told him you were looking elsewhere.

 

You seem to think that just because you decided you want too return to what it once was, that he "should" feel that way too.

 

I think you made a miscalculation in dating others and sharing that information with him. No guy that I know wants to hear that his former girlfriend is sleeping with other men (presuming here).

 

But he will be perfectly fine to turn you into a FWB if you are too.

 

He has moved on, I think you ought to and not feel hurt about it. he hasn't been your BF in over a year--your choice.

[Clinton]

Hes had depression on and off for the last few years, before I was even with him. So weve been side by side in any way we can for the past 6 years and suddenly he's gone, like that? Seems strange.

If someone loves you as a friend they could fall for you again. I just think it's meant to be. We both hurt each other and did silly things. If he 'wanted out' so bad why would he spend every day speaking to me and hanging out?

 

Unfortunately when people decide to move on whatever they had between them goes out the window. It doesn't matter if you think the two of you were meant to be, he doesn't.

 

Take some time away from him to clear your head. Going NC wont hurt your chances if he really wants you and it will give you time to heal.

[SarahBee]

I didn't tell him details about the dating Jimthzz, and I didn't sleep with any of them - it didnt feel right. But when my ex needs time to work through things in his head, I know he needs it, so I tried to move on for myself. These were people he didnt know, miles away from where we live. This girl and him live 5 minutes from me.

 

I didnt miss any ride, I put my heart and soul into the relationship. I think he was worried he couldnt give me what I wanted, but I want him to know it's all I want. Maybe he just needs to do his thing. Theres definitely something between us.

[SarahBee]

I've loved him all my life and always will unconditionally. He's the one that I can never see myself without. Even if it ends up as just a friendship, I will always be there for him. It just sucks right now. Time and patience will tell all anyway I guess. I was his longest relationship - others were about 8 months. His Dad never remarried and is happy on his own. My ex is a total introvert and I didnt mind that. He did say this thing is 'something he has to do' but that was back in Jan, it could be more serious by now. I'll remain as optimistic as I can be. He is worth his weight in gold and I'll continue to ensure he knows that (in a friend way) as much as I can in the future if this sticks. I never give up on those I love.

[jimthzz]

I didn't tell him details about the dating Jimthzz, and I didn't sleep with any of them - it didnt feel right. But when my ex needs time to work through things in his head, I know he needs it, so I tried to move on for myself. These were people he didnt know, miles away from where we live. This girl and him live 5 minutes from me.

 

I didnt miss any ride, I put my heart and soul into the relationship. I think he was worried he couldnt give me what I wanted, but I want him to know it's all I want. Maybe he just needs to do his thing. Theres definitely something between us.

 

Are you sure that he knows you didn't sleep with any of them? And just how many did you date in this way?

 

That would be a deal killer for a lot of us guys.

[Denguin]

Are you sure remaining friends with him in the mean time is the smartest idea? It sounds like you're still pretty attached. I tried doing the "friends" thing with someone I was still in love with, and it was absolute torture knowing they were happier without an "us" anymore.

[shessofly]

You seem to be in deep denial. My opinion - instead of sitting still and feeling/working thru the pain after the breakup you jumped straight into dating and pushed the bad feelings down. Now that the reality that he has moved on is staring you in the face you are experiencing this pain as if the breakup just happened. The email you keep referencing was several months ago...the friend he's dating whose place in his life you are downplaying actually sounds like a friendship that has blossomed and could turn into a valid, stable relationship. convenient would have been if he had jumped on her immediately...but that is not the case. On top of it all he has made it clear that he is not interested in trying again. Blame it on fear, depression, his parents' divorce...whatever. The end result is that he has chosen to move on. Accept the situation as is so you can heal.

 

Really not trying to be harsh here, just trying to help you see it from the outside...you can move forward if you can accept that the relationship you had has ended and stop making excuses/trying to analyze his feelings.

[Lady Amalthea]

He has expressed no interest in getting back together for a long time now. You keep saying his new relationship is "convenient", which I don't find to be at all. They have spent many months getting to know each other more intimately, and they share that special trust you get with someone you have known all your life. I find the whole FWB situation you offered much more convenient than this new interest he has.

With luck you will step out of the mindset of hanging around just holding hope of it working out eventually, because that will only bring you hurt. Move on and close this chapter of your life.

[mhowe]

Are you sure that he knows you didn't sleep with any of them? And just how many did you date in this way?

 

That would be a deal killer for a lot of us guys.

 

You went from sleeping with this ex for 5 years to a celibate year of dating?

[ParisPaulette]

Yes, it's over. You need to let him go and go NC. I'm sorry, but it sounds like he sort of kept you around to wean himself off the idea of having you around until he knew for certain the family friend was into him. And now that he has her you are no longer needed. Be prepared though for a spate of calls/texts/renewed interest any time their relationship gets rocky though and to again be shelved when it all gets good.

 

Sorry, but you cannot be friends with the guy and you mistook hooking up for getting back together instead of realizing you'd taken a demotion from girlfriend to just FWB. Take him at his word fully, he has said it's not happening and he's with her now. And that's true.

 

Stop being in contact, delete and go NC. Not all relationships, no matter how good at one point, have staying power and the two of you weren't that compatible once you moved in together. And that's a pretty big indicator this person isn't meant to be your lifelong mate if you can't live with them without it all going downhill from there.

 

As much as it hurts, consider that now is really when you're breaking up for good, go NC, heal and date other people without him hovering in the background to pull you in. You will heal much faster and move on like you should have to begin with. I'm sorry, but that's all that's left to do now if you want to get your life back and stop living in a past that didn't work that well when push came to shove anyways. I know it's not what you want to hear, but it's what is whether you want that or not.

[SarahBee]

None of the dates lasted long enough for me to feel comfortable to have sex with strangers. And I can't just delete him unfortunately as not only do we have mutual friends but he works for my dad. He also wants to be friends as he said those 6 years meant a lot but I couldn't dwell on them right now. He's even on a wedding invitation as my plus one from close family friends. People figured we were a sure thing and figured we'd work it out since we were joined at the hip!

None of you here know him or how he is with me so I guess that's the downfall of forums but you're all definitely right on the not holding out thing! He's a very sweet, genuine sincere person and that's rare. You don't meet those every day..everyone loves him as he's just such a pleasant guy. Ill just have to make the friend thing work in time considering our situation with friends, family and work. He'd still drop everything if I needded him and is great with advice on things so we'll be friends when it's less painful and leave it at that.

[TallnDark20]

S.B

 

First of all as you probably realised a lot of people in this forum have been hurt...they communicate in a very harsh tone without sympathising AT ALL sometimes!

 

In my opinion after reading that it sounds as though RIGHT NOW he is not wanting to be with you.

 

It is absolutely ludacris that he told you that in July and now he's gone full circle unless he wasn't being genuine which I doubt given your lengthy history it sounds as though he may be confused or be wanting to venture out & see how a relationship w/ this girl could turn out.

 

My advice would be do not cut yourself off from him especially if you love him the fact he has said that's not what he wants proves that he is being sincere in this. But you DO have to respect it espcially if he is in a relationship now be a good friend give him advice every now and then reminisce on the good times. I think if you two are meant to be in the long run their relationship wont last. If he is happy with her it will kill you to see this but at least you live with no regrets and know you've done all you can.

 

God bless