Male (or female) dumpers minds?

[DaisyHope]

Sorry I didn't know where to post this so opted for GBT thread.... I've fully accepted or should I say 'given in' to the fact, at 5 months in to break up that my ex who dumped me (out of the blue- yes I know everyone says dumpers have probably planned it for a while..however) I was just wondering whether male (or female) dumpers tend to convince themselves that there is no way back or that things were really bad in the relationship looking back, in order to keep them on track with ending things. Crikey... does any of that even make sense!?!?!

 

I KNOW he'll never be back, and I know you'll all suggest he was planning this a while and for whatever reason it wasn't working or fun for him, however from his friends I've spoken to since (bumped in to) and my friends and family, this all came totally out of the blue. To the extent they all think he freaked out that this was 'it' and decided to make a run for it.

 

Anyway thoughts welcome!! FYI - I really am accepting of the break, even got my first date in a few weeks which I weirdly feel like I'd be cheating on the ex by doing but I'm basically getting out there again....baby steps!!

[mhowe]

Daisy --- there is no generic answer for how a dumper plan or act, regardless of gender.

 

My dumper needed time/space/to not be in a relationship. That is, until he came back. Nothing would have stopped him --- except me saying "no thanks".

[DaisyHope]

Thanks Mhowe I know everyone differs, just interested in opinions so brill to hear yours. You're still on my list of enotaloners who I value the opinion most of!! Even though I was tetchy and sensitive on one of your very first responses to my posts all those months ago!!

[mhowe]

It takes a while to warm to my style --- and then you want to join the club!

[Clinton]

In my experience dumpers don't need to keep on convincing themselves that they made the right decision. They've convinced themselves of that before they dumped you.

 

And one of the most worthless gauges of what a dumper felt is friends and family. I can't count the number of relationships where everyone thought what a great couple they were where it ended permanently anyway.

 

Only the dumpers thoughts and emotions count, no one else's

[Denguin]

It all depends. I think generally speaking it does make sense that the dumper does give it quite a bit of thought before dumping someone. Nobody likes to leave security, especially if it was a long term relationship. If it was, you can bet they'd stewed about it for a pretty long while before ending things. You also have to consider that a lot of dumpers don't necessarily advertise to their friends/family that they'll be breaking up with their SO... If you ask me, his friends/family being unaware can't really be taken as an indicator of anything.

 

I've been the dumper twice. One was a relationship of a year, the other of about 6-7 months. Both times what happened to me is I essentially got some sort of tunnel vision where I started to find something I didn't quite like about the person. Over time (1-2 months), I fixated on those "bad" traits more and more, so much that they overlooked the good. In the end, it's clear that I was just continually trying to convince myself that breaking up was the right thing to do. Looking back, while I don't regret breaking up with either of those two, I definitely think that I wasn't viewing the situations quite so objectively as I thought I was.

 

But again, all of this is speculation. No one will really know what went through his mind except him.

 

 

It takes a while to warm to my style --- and then you want to join the club!

 

I wasn't a fan of your posts to begin with either... But a couple months in, and I'm starting to be won over by your style as well.

[mhowe]

I am an acquired taste.

[WithLove]

I broke up with my first boyfriend "out of the blue".

 

I was taking a shower and in the middle of washing my hair, it just fully hit me that we weren't going to work. I got out, dressed, sat him down and asked him to leave.

 

Now, in retrospect, I know I was thinking for quite awhile that it wasn't working - but due to severe self esteem problems, accepted that I wouldn't find better, so I thought I'd stick with him forever. So I can see how it seemed to him that it was very sudden, but subconsciously, to me, it was not.

 

 

Mhowe, you'll always be one of my favorites.

[mhowe]

I broke up with my first boyfriend "out of the blue".

 

I was taking a shower and in the middle of washing my hair, it just fully hit me that we weren't going to work. I got out, dressed, sat him down and asked him to leave.

 

Now, in retrospect, I know I was thinking for quite awhile that it wasn't working - but due to severe self esteem problems, accepted that I wouldn't find better, so I thought I'd stick with him forever. So I can see how it seemed to him that it was very sudden, but subconsciously, to me, it was not.

 

 

Mhowe, you'll always be one of my favorites.

 

I had that happen to me once as well --- I had an epiphany one day and thought "dear lord --- if this is as good as it gets I want to step in front of a bus". And broke up with him very soon after.

 

I apparently have a fan club today. Gracias

[sara-pezzini]

I broke up with my ex. No one saw it coming yet i had been thinking about it for months and therfore was very sure it was the right thing to do and nothing can convince me to go back.

I don't believe in break ups like this out of the blue. No matter how much of a shock it was for youand his friends, he had to have doubts for a while. No one breaks up with someone just on a whim because they are suddenly faced with this is it. That is bull and i don't believe that.

The one who does the so called dumping has thought about it before! Even if they don't realise it themselves.

 

I wouldn't have put this in the getting back together section though because it makes it seem that you still have hope of that. Breaking up or healing after break up would have been more appropriate imo

[sara-pezzini]

I am an acquired taste.

 

That was funny!

[ParisPaulette]

It won't be one answer. In my case when I ended it with someone (I hate the word dumped BTW, it sounds like a bowel movement, so let's call it ended and I was the ender) it was always at the point of no return. If I was ending things then I was over the person and for me at least once the feelings were gone, they were gone and not coming back. I don't tend to fall back in love after feelings die. It'd be like trying to make a good cup of coffee out of week-old grounds that have been sitting in a cup--not gonna happen.

 

I want nothing to do with any of my exes currently except the ex-husband since we have kids. And I'd much rather talk to his interesting, funny, whip-smart current wife any day of the week than him although I hold no animosity to the man and he's a good father and a good man.

 

It's just once those feelings are gone for me, they never come back.

[TallnDark20]

Daisy

 

I foolishly broke it off with my ex whom I'm still in love with.

 

My reason was both that I felt as though she had changed in the relationship for me and not because she wanted to be that way and because i loved her i thought i owed it to her to let her go.

 

However when i communicated this i lied and said the spark was gone I made the decision for the both of us so that she wouldn't have to she loved me dearly but i was more in love and thought i was being noble (if i could go back would have talked it out) but the more time you're alone with your thoughts you can make up the way you'll end it and then talk yourself out of it.

 

The day i met my ex and we broke up it was just a conversation about us that turned into maybe we should end it i don't want things to fizzle out (utter bs because it was a communication issue not anything about control)

 

What I'm trying to say is:

 

Number 1) REGARDLESS of whether you do get back with him or not always remain positive about who you are and what you can offer to a relationship with him or someone else

 

Number 2) In my opinion it's obvious you still care/want him back as you posted for other people to provide their opinions... Please ask him don't live your life wondering why not get it STRAIGHT from him

 

I know you may be thinking easy for you to say but if not him you'll never know.

 

I'd say best plan of attack drop a text and say hey something's been on my mind can you help? And go from there or better yet call him! Put him on the spot it's better when there's been no contact for a long time.

 

God bless I hope you find closure.

[Kadbanoo]

 

I wouldn't have put this in the getting back together section though because it makes it seem that you still have hope of that. Breaking up or healing after break up would have been more appropriate imo

 

AGREED! There really should be some guidelines... 99% of the "getting back together" stories are about people who WANT it, not actually doing it (or have done it). Those stories should really go in Breaking Up or Healing after a break up - agreed.

[chamachama]

/Sarcasm on

 

Dumpers usually get the morning paper and have an espresso on their way to their morning jobs. Once at said job, they wonder about each and every one of their dumpees and think to themselves "that was impulsive to break up with them, but there is no way back..." Then the dumper usually takes a lunch break, but instead of lunch they head to fight club, where they usually kick some butt and then its back to work until approximately 5:45.

 

/Sarcasm off

 

There is no actual answer for your question. All breakups are different. All dumpers are different. All dumpees are different. All relationships are different. There is no way to generalize what "dumpers" do and their reasons for doing it or not doing it. Stop trying to rationalize contact. He didn't mistakenly breakup with you. And he isn't sitting there all day thinking about you. And he certainly isn't thinking that he wants you back but can't because he doesn't think there is a way. That's pretty ridiculous and completely illogical in just about every way. Stop renting him so much space in your mind. He isn't renting you any at all.

 

Keep doing what you're doing. You're doing really great with NC. Try to understand that this like everything else happened for a reason. You really need to move on, even in your mind. Have you thought about dating again?

 

 

p.s. the reason I went with sarcasm was because I wanted you to see how silly it is to rationalize the possibility that he is just stubborn and all that you might need to do is contact him and tell him that its ok, and he can have you back....and he will be like "oooooh well that's a relief! Great! lets be back together then=)". That's simply not the case.