Does anyone have my issue in dating?

[mandeelove]

I used to be a girl who didnt have many standards in dating. I got stuck with the wrong guys, same patterns, same endings. I wanted the bad boys, the alphas etc. So for the first time in forever Im single.. I stayed away from guys for some time. Yes i tried to date but i been working on me .. now that i learned to love myself 100 percent and really get to know me, and due to all the bad experiences, my standards are so high. If a guy does the smallest thing to turn me off, i cut him off ..no warning. i never did that before but now im not wasting a second. That was my issue my whole life and i got stuck in bad spots accepting bad behavior . Anyways, im finding my standards to be a blessing and a curse all at the same time. Ive turned into the pickiest person treating dating like a chopping block. Are my standards TOO high now(if thats even possible?) How do i decipher what to cut off and what to keep. ? Am i wrong? Does anyone have this picky issue and how do u overcome it? Im in my 20s. I dont wanna be alone forever. By picky i dont even mean looks. I mean a guy asked me to drive to him on our 2nd date and i cut him off. That seemed lazy to me. so thats just one example. Any input is appreciated.

[notalady]

I would need more examples of what you consider as unacceptable to determine if you are being too picky or overly sensitive.

 

What's the reason the guy ask you to drive him on a second date? Does he not drive? Or is there an extenuating circumstance? What did he say? it's not a set rule, but about listening, watching, observe and analyse.

[haliescharlie]

Did you ever ask the last guy for an alternative instead? For a second date, take it as a suggestion, not a demand. Take some initiative and suggest something else that works for you; not everyone can know what you're thinking. That's a pretty silly reason to cut off someone. You'll easily cut off the good guys if you have such trivial standards. We teach people what we want and you shouldn't be afraid to speak up.

[mandeelove]

Yes just to clear up the driving thing....he has a car....we live like 7 miles from each other. It was a snowy night. Just didnt think a guy who is trying to make an impression should make a girl drive to him so soon. I did tell him that directly. I have no issue driving to a guy but it takes time and I told him that as well.

[haliescharlie]

It is hard to base what your cutoffs are just based on one incident. I think it would have been easier if you casually suggested something else instead. Like say, "I've actually wanted to try this place to eat, would you like to go?" I believe his reaction to your comment on the driving incident would be notable. If it's difficult working out a compromise because of inflexibility, that may be more understandable if he was very insistent on you driving to his.

[Willywagtail]

I think your standards are probably related to things that annoy you - not to actual 'standards'.

 

The things you should be focussing on are: does he say things and then follow them up, does he have the same values as you, does her treat his exes and his family respectfully, does he treat you respectfully and listen to what you say.?, etc.

 

People who love themselves '100%' as you claim to are tolerant of others and willing to give people the benefit of the doubt. Maybe give some thought to what you actually mean by 'standards'- what are the behaviours that are really important to you, and what are the deal breakers?

 

Then you won't find yourself cutting guys off that might have potential.

[dietrying]

Of course, standards are good, and in your twenties is a perfectly normal time to be developing them. Maybe you are trying to find fault in these guys because you subconsciously don't want to date? You mentioned you haven't been single for a long time. It's not a bad time to enjoy being free and independent for a while until you meet someone you're really excited about.

 

And yes, I do have this issue when dating, and I think it just means I'm not feeling it.

[notalady]

I think your standards are probably related to things that annoy you - not to actual 'standards'.

 

The things you should be focussing on are: does he say things and then follow them up, does he have the same values as you, does her treat his exes and his family respectfully, does he treat you respectfully and listen to what you say.?, etc.

 

People who love themselves '100%' as you claim to are tolerant of others and willing to give people the benefit of the doubt. Maybe give some thought to what you actually mean by 'standards'- what are the behaviours that are really important to you, and what are the deal breakers?

 

Then you won't find yourself cutting guys off that might have potential.

 

Agree with this.

[notalady]

Yes just to clear up the driving thing....he has a car....we live like 7 miles from each other. It was a snowy night. Just didnt think a guy who is trying to make an impression should make a girl drive to him so soon. I did tell him that directly. I have no issue driving to a guy but it takes time and I told him that as well.

 

And what was his response? Or was that your cutoff message, ie this is why I don't want to see you anymore?

[Jeffbobo]

Yes just to clear up the driving thing....he has a car....we live like 7 miles from each other. It was a snowy night. Just didnt think a guy who is trying to make an impression should make a girl drive to him so soon. I did tell him that directly. I have no issue driving to a guy but it takes time and I told him that as well.

 

In my opinion, this situation is less an issue about who is driving which direction "so soon" and more about the fact that the weather was bad (snowy night) and he asked you to drive his way. I would have either postponed the date due to weather or scrapped what I planned for a date in my area and figured something else fun to do in your area.

[catfeeder]

It helps to view trust as less of a black and white thing. Sure, it makes no sense to walk around with blind trust, just as it's not productive to walk around with a cynical chip on your shoulder.

 

Think of trust as a balancing scale where you start off as a neutral 5. From there you observe behaviors and allow people to show you whether to move more toward trusting in increments or away from trusting--and you don't need a blaring red flag to drop the lever to mistrust and walk away. Sometimes that's just smart.

 

Are you in school? If so, your tuition already covers mental health counseling on campus. Consider working with professional who's trained in this stuff to help you learn ways to balance your observations. This is stuff we're not generally taught, and learning through trial and error can be a painful process. I'd take the help if you can get it--it's a worthy investment of your time.

 

Meanwhile, you're smart to err on the side of caution. I wouldn't be thrilled with a guy who's asked me to drive in the snow, either.

 

Head high.

[Misskitty16]

I would need more examples of why you are cutting them off, but I agree with you on the example you gave with the car. Overall, it sounds like you are on the right track, but people aren't perfect and you want to limit your "cut offs" to those that seem lazy, rude or disrespectful. People make mistakes and it's important to recognize the difference between mistakes and genuine mistreatment or character flaws. Or maybe someone doesn't have a lot of experience dating and they may not always make the "proper" moves.

[missmarple]

Everyone has their own standards. A friend of mine won't date men shorter than her. Another one won't date them if they're even 1 day younger. A third one if they don't have a car..etc, etc.

If you feel you are too picky, you probably are. I suggest you make a list with things you absolutely want in a partner (for example, to be polite, smart, educated, contact you daily or twice a week or whatever, etc) and, then, stick to it.

[Scoe141]

There are things that one should be willing to compromise on and things that are deal breakers. No one is going to be perfect. You need to ask yourself, what can you live with and what can you live without. For example, Im super clean and tidy. Sure I would love to find someone who was as clean as me, but what if they're not? Is that a deal breaker? No. It's something Im learning that I can live without. If someone smokes, now that's a deal breaker. You could make a list and post read it over. You may read something and think, "oh that's silly!"

 

Good luck.

[DancingFool]

I don't know what standards you have, but I'm going to guess that they are actually good and you are simply not quite used to ruthlessly weeding out those who don't fit. You are well on your way there, but at the moment it feels weird and foreign.

 

As for the example that you gave, that's not so much a standard as a correct judgment that mostly likely this guy is not good news. Not only should he have not asked you to drive, but he shouldn't have been inviting you to come to his place on second date. That doesn't sound like a date to me. I think you were right to back out and drop him.

 

Being aware of these kinds of little things certainly will cause you to reject many guys, but that's not necessarily a bad thing and it will not lead you to being single forever. It will lead you to finding healthy relationships. To find the right guy does mean ruthlessly weeding out the bad ones. It takes work and it takes effort, but I think you are on the right track.

[mandeelove]

Thank you all for the great opinions and advice. The thing I am going to do is make a list of my deal breakers and things I can not accept....and then things I might be flexible on. The little things in between I will just speak up about to correct their behavior. Like someone said, not all guys are experienced in dating and sometimes we have to teach them how to treat us and what we like. thats very true. I am learning to voice my opinions more. I think the biggest fear I have is missing red flags. I did it in the past and months down the line the red flags blew up. So im trying to trust my gut more. The thing with the guy asking me to drive was a red flag because there wasnt a circumstance where he was car less etc . He was simply being lazy....Didnt want to pick me up and that was an issue. Is he going to be lazy with everything. ? That was my next thought... I then asked him to drive and he cancelled the date. So that showed me he wanted it easy. It brought me back to a time in the past where an ex of mine made me always drive to him. Never made effort. i cant have that again..... anyways I am new to dating. I had a bf most of my 20s so Im adjusting to what its like out there. Like someone said, there has to be someone who is going to meet my requirements and hopefully wont be single forever ☺

[Ms Darcy]

For endeavors like finding love, having requirements or standards for the person you are dating is important. But I sense you have missed the part where you should have equally high standards for yourself - in terms of patience, courtesy, kindness, generosity, integrity, etc.

[catfeeder]

The thing with the guy asking me to drive was a red flag because there wasnt a circumstance where he was car less etc . He was simply being lazy....Didnt want to pick me up and that was an issue. Is he going to be lazy with everything. ? That was my next thought... I then asked him to drive and he cancelled the date. So that showed me he wanted it easy.

 

For me, the issue would be less about him not wanting to knock himself out, and more about the suggestion that I should risk my safety to drive in a snow storm for him.

 

Really?

 

If he had said, "I don't really want to drive in this storm, and I don't think you should, either--how about if we reschedule?" That would have been fine. But looking out for his own safety while suggesting that I risk mine? He's a turd.

[mandeelove]

For me, the issue would be less about him not wanting to knock himself out, and more about the suggestion that I should risk my safety to drive in a snow storm for him.

 

Really?

 

If he had said, "I don't really want to drive in this storm, and I don't think you should, either--how about if we reschedule?" That would have been fine. But looking out for his own safety while suggesting that I risk mine? He's a turd.

Omg yes. My thoughts exactly ! There was ice everywhere !

[Jeffbobo]

For me, the issue would be less about him not wanting to knock himself out, and more about the suggestion that I should risk my safety to drive in a snow storm for him.

 

Really?

 

If he had said, "I don't really want to drive in this storm, and I don't think you should, either--how about if we reschedule?" That would have been fine. But looking out for his own safety while suggesting that I risk mine? He's a turd.

 

Thank you. A snow storm for Gods sake! My point exactly. I'm from Minnesota and have driven through many a snow storn. That kind of thing doesn't phase me. Lol.

 

Also, as far as a guy not coming to pick you up. I'd think it depends on the circumstances. If you live a ways away and he plans something in his home town for the two of you and he asks you to meet him for example. Don't see anything wrong with that.

[catfeeder]

Also, as far as a guy not coming to pick you up. I'd think it depends on the circumstances. If you live a ways away and he plans something in his home town for the two of you and he asks you to meet him for example. Don't see anything wrong with that.

 

Good example. The balance to strike is not playing a princess, but not being a doormat, either.