Listening to a family member's work rants for SIX months; feeling stressed

[Traveler27]

My mother has been having difficulties with discrimination, stress and many unfair practices in the workplace. She even hired legal representation but there wasn't enough evidence to support the case, so now she is pursuing her case through other options. Nearly every day (Monday through Friday) for the past 6 months, I have had to listen to what happens at work, anger about the situation, etc., etc. I am at the point where I really can't listen to it anymore. I've tried to be supportive and listen, and offer feedback where necessary. Now I find myself (nearly) tuning out as it's interfering with my day to day quality of life which is already not the best as I have been dealing with my own very complex issues. Am I being selfish? My mother's work situation shows no signs of improving and from what I've been listening to all these months, is only getting worse. I feel miserable having to listen to it every day for so long.....I want to be supportive but it's making me feel angry and frustrated. So again, based on this information, am I being selfish to want less involvement in hearing about these work issues?

[Capricorn3]

Maybe it would be better for her to look for another job?

[Traveler27]

She's over 60.

[SpottiOtti]

Forget about your mom's stuff for a second.

 

What are you doing to manage your own "very complex issues"? As far as stress management goes?

 

We can only be effective and be there for others when our emotional well is full. If we give and give and give, and don't replenish the well, it is draining and leads to the kinds of feelings you describe. I think it's okay to tell your mom every now and again that you are not feeling very well yourself emotionally, and that you aren't the best person to talk to this about right now. And then make sure you are doing what you need to do in order to keep yourself well emotionally and mentally.

[itsallgrand]

I don't think there is anything wrong with letting someone know how you feel. Especially people we are close to. It's how you say it that matters. So she does not feel attacked, judged, or blamed.

 

She could probably use the break from thinking about it as much as you can. Sometimes people don't realize how much they are focusing in on one topic of conversation, especially if it's something they are stressing about.

 

Can you change the topic? Offer up something else to talk about? Offer up something else to do - that will be away and different from talking about work for her?

[Willywagtail]

I think the best thing is to have a chat to your mother. Let her know that you really, really care about her and that you obviously care about what's happening at work but that maybe both of you need to have a break from it. Propose a solution from her perspective - that is, that you can see it's super stressing her, and that it's getting bad, and that you would like her to think about something else when she gets home from work. Suggest that it will be more peaceful for her to talk about other things and focus on other things. Let her know you care about her well being and that you want to help her, and that you think this would be a good way for her to have a respite from the stress.

[agent1607307371]

Am I being selfish?

 

No, absolutely not. Your own mental heath is paramount.

 

 

True story; there is a woman who works almost as part of my team but is not part of it. And she is stressed to death and can't emotionally handle her job. She would come and set up in our office and chant for an hour "I hate my job". Not exaggerating.

Anyway, I was on anti-depressants at the time and just made the decision that she was bad for me, and any time she spoke that wasn't work related, I was just going to ignore her. And because I stopped being sympathetic and listening to her woes (which were repetetive and never ending), she actually complained to my boss that I was distracted. When I told my boss what I was doing, she was supportive because she was in the office too, and knew that she was part of the problem by continuing to coddle her. She still coddles that worker, and she still has to listen to her problems. I don't.

 

I'm not suggesting that you're coddling your mum, but sometimes once someone finds a receptive audience, they just load everything out on to them and don't stop to think about the other person. It's up to you to put up healthy boundaries for yourself.

[toby17]

I think most people have had a friend or work colleague who complains to the point that you start distancing yourself. Either they're not going to solve the problem themselves or they're happy ranting as the only solution.

 

The difference is you can't really do without a Mom so you're going to have to bite the bullet and tell her. She needs to know that this had taken over her life and it's stressing you out.

 

I would tell her you're don't want to hear anymore unless it's major - tactfully of course (but be prepared for her to try initially then revert right back to complaining).

 

You should probably encourage her to see a therapist.

 

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for her. Can you imagine how many other firends and work colleagues are avoiding her?