Do most men know...?

[abitbroken]

It's just amusing to me that a lot of people seem to think, after three years of dating, that we haven't talked about these things. I appreciate your insight, but my boyfriend and I have talked about all these issues extensively - religion, marriage, kids, etc. We've even been to counseling. So we're not just jumping into this. We're not planning to get engaged because we want to live together. We're just generally planning to start a life together. We both want to get married, so we both agree that this is the necessary next step.

 

I am glad. It is hard to know everything from a single post, though. When someone asks questions and it seems like they don't know if their partner will "get it" or not about the asking the family, it just begs the question if they have talked about these other things instead of making assumptions - especially if they are leading with the fact that he is eyeing the end of your lease. The best thing to do instead of asking us if he gets it or not, is to tell him directly that in your family, it is expected that the man asks for the woman's hand in marriage, or asks for the blessing from the father to do the asking. It is the tradition of your family. Then it is up to him to decide to do that in his time, or to disagree, or to find another way to accomplish the same goal of honoring the parents, etc. In my family, it is just a formality - the dads don't really protest and say no because they already know the man and have expressed to their daughter earlier in the relationship if they approve of him or not along the way. There are usually no surprises. If you know your dad really likes him and sees the two of you having a future, its not going to be something scary. Some dads who are more traditional are actually hurt if they are not asked. You know your own dad (or if its custom to ask mom or grandpa) on how he feels. I know my dad was crushed when my sister didn't want to do the dad/daughter mom/son dances at her wedding. Its not necessary, but a tradition dad was looking forward to.

 

Anyway - talk about it - tell him how important it is to you. I know you are westernized and maybe some traditions don't matter, but its a way of including the older generation - a token, sometimes. Just speak your mind so he knows what is expected. And then to tell him what is expected of him - talking about moving in once you are engaged, whether that is next month, Decmeber, or a year later, etc. or letting caution fly to the wind

[ParisPaulette]

It depends on one's upbringing I suppose. Some families do that and some don't, mine never did but my ex-husband rang my dad and asked him and told me that as a good southern gentleman of course he was going to do that. I would not assume any man knows to do this though and so would give him a heads up at some point, that for your parents this is a big deal. OR you tell him when the time comes and he proposes to call your parents, that it's a big deal to them, and that he needs to do it then.

[sophie274]

Agree with everyone who has said you should let him know that you want him to ask your parents for permission. In many parts of the US this would be quite unusual. (I, for example, don't consider that I need my parents' permission or approval to get married, and would like any engagement to be private to the two of us at first, so would seriously dislike my boyfriend asking for permission).

[Batya33]

Agree with everyone who has said you should let him know that you want him to ask your parents for permission. In many parts of the US this would be quite unusual. (I, for example, don't consider that I need my parents' permission or approval to get married, and would like any engagement to be private to the two of us at first, so would seriously dislike my boyfriend asking for permission).

 

He just has to get the written permission of ENA posters and then you're good to go.

[sophie274]

He just has to get the written permission of ENA posters and then you're good to go.

 

Ha ha ha ha ha Extra reputation points for anyone who convinces him to do it in extra-romantic fashion

[abitbroken]

As far as the "asking" a point people might be missing is that "ASKING" is not really about seeking permission, but beginning to relationship build with the father. Its about going for coffee or hitting some balls on the driving range and dad being delighted about giving the young man some pointers about marriage. It has evolved from really needing permission. I am not saying people who don't are wrong - I am just saying that for people who think its archaic - it has evolved.

[jimthzz]

It is my understanding, and you have not even brought this up, that a Muslim woman cannot marry a Christian. Just the idea of it can be risky to your health.

 

How are you going to address this?

 

OMG THANK YOU FOR TEACHING ME ABOUT MY OWN RELIGION!!!!!!!! Are you kidding? Clearly, I'm not that religious if I've been dating him openly for 3 years... Plus, I live in AMERICA - where I am free to make my own decisions. I swear, people think Islam is this all-encompassing, crazy religion that dictates your every move. It's not. There are close to 2 billion Muslims in the world - do you really think none of them are marrying outside their religion? Do you really think every single one of them are practicing every aspect of Islam with perfection? I mean, damn. I know you're probably trying to help, but I can't help but find your question offensive.

 

Yeah, I understand. And I appreciate it. I really do. I don't know what's gotten into me. Maybe forums are not for me, haha. It does sorta feel like people you don't know are openly judging your relationship. And I know everyone's just trying to help. I guess I'm just not used to it.

 

I will say one thing. Perception is not always reality.

 

The spirit in which many posters have commented to you is not necessarily how you have interpreted the comments.

 

Have you heard of the term, "leading with your chin"?