DDLama Posted February 16, 2015 Author Share Posted February 16, 2015 Love your pic Gollum. I felt like that yesterday, but today I'm better. Thank you for the smile! I believe Mouse is the smart move too! This evening I have a strong pang of feeling stupid about the entire episode - especially the emotional break up. I wish I would have held it together better at the end. All I can do now is put myself back together and pretend this entire episode never happened. I would like to blame him for the entire episode, but I must realize I was part of it as well. I allowed it. Why? Link to comment
chitown9 Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 What is the part that you played in it...you were codependent and/or an empath. Please let us know how this turns out for you. One good thing is that by now you realize the love of your life is actually the nightmare of your life. Hope that you get to keep your job and that this company does not go belly up. .....chi Link to comment
notalady Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 Life mirrors fiction. Albeit a badly written one from what I've heard. Link to comment
Willywagtail Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I would like to blame him for the entire episode, but I must realize I was part of it as well. I allowed it. Why? Don't worry about that now. There will be plenty of time to reflect on that later. Look to protect yourself at the moment. You are your highest priority. It's too soon to do the in-depth analysis. Get your self protection strategies in place first. Link to comment
chickadeedee Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 >>I'm not looking forward to this, because now I'm playing a game. I hate lies. It isn't a lie, it is self protection. You wouldn't say a battered woman is lying if she quietly makes plans behind the scenes while pacifying her husband to escape her abusive husband without being injured or killed. The same applies here. You've taken a spin with a sociopath, and you need to go totally into self protective mode and not feel the least bit bad about doing whatever it takes to protect yourself. Continue to do a really good job so he sees you as 'useful' on that work front and hence no need to throw you out immediately. And be pleasant if you have contact with absolutely no recriminations or discussions about your relationship or what happened in the past at all. Easy, breezy, work talk only. If he brings it up, just act unconcerned as in 'we gave it a shot, oh well, we're better off just being work colleagues and not worrying about that.' Meanwhile you should continue to look for other opportunities locally to get another job and leave if a good opportunity presents itself. Sociopaths are human predators. And the best way to deal with a predator is to NOT draw attention to yourself, and keep him safely (and quietly) out of reach so he'll have no desire to harm you or mess with you (or he's far enough out of range he can't harm you). He toyed with you like a cat who is not too hungry toys with a mouse, but if he gets hungry or gets bored with the game, that is when he will be dangerous. So stay out of his reach and out of harm's way and do nothing to provoke him. Sociopaths need lots of excitement and stimulation, and if you're lucky, he'll just turn his attention on someone else and other things and start to ignore you because he's had a spin with you already and will now go off to more exciting/stimulating things than you are for no other reason than they are new and different and hence more stimulating. Link to comment
Lonewing Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 This evening I have a strong pang of feeling stupid about the entire episode - especially the emotional break up. I wish I would have held it together better at the end. All I can do now is put myself back together and pretend this entire episode never happened. I would like to blame him for the entire episode, but I must realize I was part of it as well. I allowed it. Why? We do many, many stupid things in the throes of love. Most of romance is stupid. BUT when it's with the right person, it's the best stupid we'll ever experience. You can't blame anyone for him not turning out to be that guy you thought you could be stupid with - he just turned out to be someone else altogether. Don't feel bad about the emotional breakup. It just means you still feel. He likely feels too, and is going through something similar, but don't think you should reach out to console him! You are each others toxic poison right now, and you'll both drink deep until you drown. Because, to be fully honest here, having seen his dark side, you know where things will be when they are at their worst. Living beside him would not have ben a life, it would have been prison. Ask me how I know - I grew up under someone with anger management issues! Link to comment
chitown9 Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I agree with all of this, however, this guy had much more going on than anger management issues. Also, I agree that your priority right now is self preservation and not to worry about the part that you played in this. That is something you can explore at a later date, and it is something that you should explore to learn more about yourself. Best of luck with this whole matter. chi Link to comment
DDLama Posted February 16, 2015 Author Share Posted February 16, 2015 I just hosted a conference call that he was on. All good so far. I was professional, confident and happy on the phone and I didn't get any vibe from him that he was annoyed. He didn't place any demands or make any rude comments - nor did he laugh hysterically at other peoples expense or make rude jokes - so maybe he has calmed down. All in all, it went better than expected. But not a single work related email from him yet. Hopefully he will see that I'm a valued team member that he cannot afford to lose - at least right now. I feel so much more relaxed and confident in myself after talking with you in this forum. I can't thank you enough! Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 All the best, Lama. Just be careful not to fall back into this trap. Link to comment
DDLama Posted February 16, 2015 Author Share Posted February 16, 2015 I am in shock - he praised my work performance on a job well done to the executives via email today. I'm surprised. Hope that means he's willing to be professional and work together. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 I am in shock - he praised my work performance on a job well done to the executives via email today. I'm surprised. Hope that means he's willing to be professional and work together. That is great news! Just keep up the easy, breezy demeanor. Act liked there was NOTHING between you two. Maybe you will come out of this untouched, as far as your career is concerned. My ex-husband has a narcissistic personality disorder. It was not fun. The fact that other employees at your place of work did not like this man was a big red flag. My ex-husband has 5 siblings and none of them want anything to do with him. Of course, my ex had his own explanation for this. Love has a way of clouding our judgment. You live and learn. Check out YOUTUBE for narcissism; you will find a tone of information on the subject there and you will receive a lot of support in the form of the information that you learn and the comments of the victims of the narc in their life. I really hope that you come out of this ok. chi Link to comment
DDLama Posted February 17, 2015 Author Share Posted February 17, 2015 He called tonight. The conversation when like this. Me: hello. Him: hello Silence Him: how are you? Me: fine. How are you? Him: Good Really long silence - really long Him: that was an awkward silence Me: yes Him: ok well I won't bug you Me: ok Him: I miss you Me: ok Me: bye Him: bye The call was less than 1 minute long. I was short with him and I was not pleasant or friendly. He must have needed some narcisistic supply. I did not give him any. After the way he treated me - he doesn't care how I'm feeling. Question is - next time he calls I'm thinking about not answering. What do you guys think? Did he call because he genuinely cares? Should I do 100% no contact? During work hours I will have to answer but on my own time? A part of me wants him to beg and another part of me wants him to leave me alone so I can heal. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 He called tonight. The conversation when like this. A part of me wants him to beg and another part of me wants him to leave me alone so I can heal. Beg?!? For what? More punishment? The most you can hope for is that you will be able to hold on to your job! He does not miss you. I can tell you that with absolute certainty. He is telling you what he thinks you want to hear. My narc ex husband sent me a text on Mother's Day to please tell his mother that he loves her and misses her. I told her, but she did not even want to hear it. He stole from her! His own mother! She is so done with him along with his siblings. She will not even answer his phone calls. I have no idea what the purpose of his call was, but who cares? Most likely the purpose was to manipulate you, but really, who cares? This man is not even human, and the more you educate yourself on narcissism the more you will get the fact that he is BAD, BAD news. The best thing you can do is distance yourself from him as much as possible. Only deal with him on a business, professional level...and do it with class. Just hope that you don't get fired for goodness sake! He is BAD, BAD news. You really need to get that because once you do you will get over him real quick. Trust me. Learning how my ex became the way he was made me actually feel sorry for him and pity him actually. What makes the whole thing difficult is that the narc is very charming at the beginning and wins you over. It is all downhill after that. Concentrate on your job. chi Link to comment
Willywagtail Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 No, he doesn't genuinely care, because he genuinely doesn't know how to. Yes, you should go 100% no contact out of work hours. Yes, I can understand the part of you stat wants him to beg. But he won't. He just sniffing you out to see what his next move is going to be. Link to comment
chickadeedee Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 I would not ignore his calls if he is calling in a business context. What you need to do if he tries to take it personal is just develop a statement that you repeat such as, 'we both know it really didn't work out as a romance, so let's just let bygones be bygones and go back to a business relationship rather than talking about the past. i have no hard feelings, but we need to put that behind us and just go back to being business colleagues again.' Then if he tries to get personal, you repeat that each time. He needs to know you are not a threat to him (i.e., are not angry enough to try to make trouble at work), but also that you will not continue in a relationship that is not working. He'll lose interest and find someone else soon enough if you don't bite and don't play. Link to comment
chickadeedee Posted February 17, 2015 Share Posted February 17, 2015 btw, you need to really resist the temptation to try to keep this a personal relationship and things like wanting him to beg... that is unhealthy and toxic and you already know that he has serious emotional problems and is abusive, so why stick your head in the lion's mouth again? You'll get a temporary sense of power, but then will be right back where you started again trying to survive in an abusive relationship with a sociopathic man. Go back and re-read what people wrote here if you get the temptation to continue to engage with him personally. All that won't go away just because you or he are a bit lonely on any given day. Link to comment
DDLama Posted February 17, 2015 Author Share Posted February 17, 2015 I get it. I am not going back to that toxic wasteland of a man. I look back on how he treated me and essentially beat me into submission, then reached inside my chest and pulled my heart out. But he didnt stop there, oh no, he decided to stomp on my head and heart really hard with both feet - all the while no emotion - while I cried and begged him to stop. I will not give him the time of day outside of professional work function and avoid when possible. I can try to offset my travel to the project so as I'm there when he is not and visa versa. Thinking back on the minimal word exchange last night he is: - not sorry otherwise he would have said so - doesn't care otherwise he would have said that - not worried - same - all he wanted was to tell me is that he missed me - does he really think I care about HIS feelings right now? Seriously? You get what you give. Thank God I have level headed advice from you guys. You are making me strong! I'm not mad at him. I had the best sleep last night in 2 weeks. Today another conference call. I will be my chipper self. I'm not doing this to try to get back at him - honestly this is for me!!! I am stronger than I thought. How did this man strip me of my personality, dignity, and self? Everyday is one more step in the right direction. I have my Job!!!! I think so long as I keep doing it well he will leave me alone. I'm not answering anymore off hour calls from him. If he calls during the day I have no choice but to answer, but after 5 - that's my time. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 DDLama, you have come a long way since your first post. Just remember though, even if he said he was sorry does not mean that he is, and even if he says he cares does not mean that he does. Professionally, you seem to be handling this matter perfectly. Good for you. So important that you keep this job. Glad that we could help, and please keep coming back. It is a caring community here and please contribute to others as well. chi Link to comment
DDLama Posted February 18, 2015 Author Share Posted February 18, 2015 Thank you all. Yes I have come a long way in a short amount of time and I feel great! I owe a lot of my good feeling to you caring people on this forum. I would love to be able to contribute one day, but first I need to do some healing. Inside scoop: apparently his behaviour at the project site has gotten even worse this week. He is being overly gregarious and hysterically laughing. i hear that people are fed up and tired of him. Cutting people down and laughing at them. Not sure if he's 1) so happy that we broke up and he is overjoyed, 2) happy that now he can pursue his new love interest, if there is one, 3) nervous laughter because the project is doing very poorly and very close to failure, 5) overcompensating about what a great guy he is (not), or 4) all of the above. Everyday I feel so much better. Sure I miss his evening telephone calls and hearing the inside scoop on the company, but trading that for my sanity is so worth it. I'm worth it!! Thanks again all!! Cheers! Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 Maybe he will be fired and you can rest easy with your job. Now wouldn't that be grand? The good thing also is that no one at work knew you were an item, so anything he might say is just rumor and has no hard proof aside from meeting the kids. And if people like you better than him, you could have dodged a bullet on that. Stay strong - head held high - I would start to look for opportunities just because you can, but things could get better where you are at. I highly suggest counseling as well. Link to comment
DDLama Posted March 8, 2015 Author Share Posted March 8, 2015 Update: all is good. No contact. Work is fine even though he doesn't send me any emails unless he absolutely has to include me. No phone calls from him. I still miss him but I'm moving on. I booked a business trip and I hope he won't be at the project the same time as me. Thanks for all your help and support on this forum. I feel fantastic! I'm happy! I didn't realize this before, but he slowly drained the life out of me. I'm back! Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.