Male or female therapist

[Hoagy]

If you had to see a psychotherapist, would you prefer to have one of your own gender or doesn't it really matter? Are there any dangers (of attraction) between a male therapist/female client or vice versa? Do you think there is any truth in the idea that female therapists are more understanding, caring and sympathetic or can a man be equally good?

 

I would especially like to hear from anyone who has seen a therapist/psychiatrist of the opposite gender.

 

Thanks.

[pippy longstocking]

I have found it is the person more than the gender .... I have been through loads and found women can be as mismatched to me as men can .

 

Last year I was referred to MIND for bereavement and anger management ...I got a man ..he was a very nice man , but his methods where very old school ..we sat in silence a lot and it was painful , I made excuses to cut the sessions short ...When I told my health care proffesional that it wasn't going great even though , as said he is a nice man , and I told her why it wasnt to good , she said his method or working was taught a long time ago , ask a leading question then lapse into silence to give chance for us to then pour it all out and hopefully find the route of the problem ....it doesn't work . Also she said that men deal with things, as we know , with the logical side of their brain where as women deal with things from the emotional side , which is why most find it easier to see a woman .

 

However 20 plus years ago when I KNEW something was wrong with my wiring , I saw men and women it was finally a man who realised I had raging OCD and I saw him for a long time and he was the perfect fit for me in the therapist - client scenario .

 

As a man ..seeing a man means you will have always have that man bond just as us women have that women bond ... but it doesn't mean it will be the right fit hoagy .

 

as for attraction ..yeah sure , it can happen anywhere anytime ..but any therapist who values their carreers would never ever act on it .

[happy_snapper]

I had regular sessions with a female counsellor for over a year. It wasn't ever a problem for me, but that might just be because I'm good at compartmentalising. I can think, "This woman isn't a romantic interest, don't think about it". I think I was attracted to her in the early days, but after a couple of sessions I stopped thinking of her in that way entirely.

I think it also helped that she's married.

She was like a friend, except I felt comfortable talking to her about things I'd never discuss with friends.

[petite]

You should decide based what you're comfortable with.

Therapists are trained to be understanding, sympathetic, empathetic, caring etc.

 

There are many great therapists both male and female. There is a code of ethics therapists need to upkeep and one is to keep the relationship professional at all times, which is why they shouldn't treat say friends or family. Does attraction happen? Yes, and when that occurs it can be dangerous for the client, but that can happen regardless of the therapists sex.

If that happens the client needs to be let go.

 

I've seen a female therapist and absolutely did not get anything worthwhile from her.

My therapist is a male and he is awesome. We have a good working relationship and that's as far as it's ever gotten. I don't know anything about him other than what I have googled, he's never discussed anything personal. Recently he mentioned something about furthering his education just because I am going through something at the moment, and it was basically just to let me know everyone has difficulties and get anxious and nervous about certain things, even him.

 

If you would prefer someone of the opposite sex then look into a female therapist. If qualifications are your only concern look into both.

I suggest you make a list and call the therapists on your list to see how you like them and if you'd be happy setting an appointment with them.

 

Sometimes even a therapists voice can be annoying, don't settle for anything unless you're comfortable. One crucial thing about being in therapy is being comfortable with the person that's there to help you through your issues and difficulties.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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[reinventmyself]

When I was first referred to a therapist, he was a man my age. I was really reluctant thinking I would be more comfortable with a woman. There is probably a lot of truth to that. . in the beginning.

 

But ultimately I am so grateful for having had a male therapist. Seeing a lot of my issues are relationship oriented he was able to give me male perspectives on things that I otherwise wouldn't have gotten from a woman. .

 

I did see a woman for short time when I had scheduling conflicts with my other therapist. . She was great but at the same time I felt like I was confiding with girlfriend. . which I can do for free.

[IAmFCA]

I have always been told that we learn from and model ourselves most readily after teachers and role models of same gender. The key for me has been finding someone whose perspective I can trust. Everyone filters. I am a down to earth woman, no make up, practical choices in clothes, etc. When I was working with a psych who was visibly made up and very well dressed, I found I didn't trust that she could see me properly. I didn't trust her, intuitively. I may have been wrong; it doesn't matter. I found someone else. My new person - well regarded and top education and research - is disorganized, can't remembe rmy backstory when I see her. I don't care. I feel she gets it.

[YouCanDeleteThisAccount]

I tried to work on a divorce with the ex by trying counseling with a female therapist. My thought was a female would be able to relate more to her issues in wanting the divorce than a man. She bolted because she wanted to be with another guy, but I stayed because I thought she could help me understand what the heck just happened and why I was now divorced. I found her comforting because she mainly let me come in and off load everything that was on my mind, and having a female voice ask the questions and give some feedback was what I needed. Possibly a mother-like figure. However, I also wanted her to give me the female perspective on why a woman would ruin a 13 year marriage, with kids, for an ex-boyfriend she reconnected with a year past. That part was never fulfilled and I eventually quit going because I had plenty of friends who would let me tell them what was on my mind for free, and I felt that all she offered me anymore.

 

I was glad I chose a female because it did offer some values I wanted, but ultimately I didn't get the feedback I needed. Not sure if I would have gotten that from a man, but I think in my situation a man may have realized more that I was completely struggling from confusion but unable to verbalize it at the time. Ultimately, it depends on who you think you will relate closer with.

 

As for attraction; I also found this woman very attractive, but it made me more comfortable than anything. It also made me look forward to the appointments, but it was never anything I would have wanted to be open about or make any attempts on. Not in the least. After you emotionally expose yourself to someone, you really don't see them as a potential date. At least I didn't.

[Cheetarah]

For the particular issues I wanted to address the last time I went therapist shopping, I wanted a female therapist that I meshed well with.

 

Aside from that, the gender was not an issue for me, what mattered was our patient/client relationship. I think it can be difficult sometimes to find someone who you work well with.

 

However, I did have a male therapist in the past, and I got a lot from him. He was wonderful, empathetic and it was only ever a working relationship.

 

I'm not going to say that gender doesn't matter, because I think it really depends on what your issues are. I think I may aim to choose a male therapist the next time as a part of my therapeutic plan.

[ParisPaulette]

1. It depends on your preferences and the therapist involved. Who do you feel more comfortable talking with, who do you get along with the most, what is it you'll be discussing? In my case I was having problems with relationships, my role as a woman, and a traumatic experience involving a man. I chose a female therapist simply because I felt I could open up to a woman more easily and not be having one eye on the escape route like i would have if it'd been a male therapist, right or wrong. I understood my own fears enough.

 

However I have had wonderful male doctors and I'm sure there are male therapists out there who are equally wonderful. At the end of the empathy, caring and not letting you get away with anything or overstepping boundaries on either side is most important in a therapist. Gender is simply what you feel comfortable with.

 

2. Transference between therapist and client--i.e. romantic feelings back and forth--is always a risk, regardless of genders. But it's what a good therapist will do their utmost to never walk into or allow to happen. If your therapist starts making overt or slight of hand sexual or intimate overtures to you or tells you its part of your "therapy" get out of there, report them, never go back. This is where checking your local licensing board for whatever profession they are in and interviewing the counselor or therapist ahead of time is a good idea. A good therapist will never go there, a bad one can and sometimes do. But it's fairly easy to spot early on the way it would be if anyone were chatting you up to date/have sex with you.

 

This is a risk with any of the helping professions though, so I wouldn't worry so much about that as I would just maintain your own personal boundaries and be very clear about what you want and you're looking for in therapy. And if you develop romantic feelings for your therapist understand this is because you are sharing intimate moments, thoughts and possibly even secrets with another human being who is there for you. There's nothing wrong with it, but you can't act on it or make it the focus of your therapy sessions or you may as well have just taken all that money on therapy and run it through a shredder, it will set you back.

 

At the end of the day it's more about finding someone who you mesh well with and understanding you may have to see a few people before you find the one that fits you best. You do have the right to choose and choose again if you like and in this case it's vital to your healing to be with someone who you work well with.

[Unreasonable]

I can't speak for everybody else, but as man myself, I have always had more luck talking to men.

[pippy longstocking]

I did just have a little chuckle to myself about us all ...we are all in / have been /or about to have therapy

 

mad as a box of frogs the lot of us .

[Hoagy]

Thanks for the feedback everyone.

 

I ask because I'm thinking of retraining as a therapist myself. I've been in and out of therapy over the past ten years and hope that I might be able to put my own experiences to good use. It'll be kind of cathartic therapy for me too. But I am aware that this is a common issue and some clients will refuse an opposite sex therapist. It seems to be one of those professions, like primary school teaching, where the ladies outnumber the gents and I'm going to be a 'rooster in the hen house'. I was just afraid that that, being of the male persuasion, I might scare off any potential clients.

 

Of the three therapists I've had, two have been female and one male. They were all good and all brought different perspectives to the table. I think I felt some slight attraction for one of the ladies but I would never have acted on it. My trust issues wouldn't have allowed it.

 

I'm thinking of having a picture of Sigmund Freud on the wall of my consulting room.

[lostandhurt]

Wow!

 

Great answers from everyone.

 

I think it does depend on what the problems are. Sexual, marriage conflicts, emotional, general life issues, stress related, work related, abuse and on and on.

 

For me experience trumped what gender they were. Someone that had heard and seen it all and was successful is what I needed. Also someone that taught you how to fix your own problems, not just prescribe meds.

 

Lost

[reinventmyself]

But ultimately I am so grateful for having had a male therapist. Seeing a lot of my issues are relationship oriented he was able to give me male perspectives on things that I otherwise wouldn't have gotten from a woman. .

 

 

I just thought of a better way to say this:

 

Along with a male perspective he was also able to model a healthy interaction with me. As I would share something that transpired in a relationship, he would put himself in the place of the male partner and give me a response that was a model of a healthy exchange.

 

Sadly, I was often surprised at how opposite it was from what I was used to getting. (shaking my head)

At the same time obvious. . (duh, yah that's how that scenario should have gone. . but didn't)

 

I don't think having this type of exchange with a female therapist would have had the same impact.

[Seraphim]

I prefer a woman because I don't want to discuss sexual abuse with a man.

[mhowe]

My trainer (male) is also a trained psychologist. So I get to shrink my body and mind at the same time! Double bonus!!

[and so it goes]

There are some things that men can only understand about other men - and vice versa. It cuts out alot of unnecessary explaining.

 

Also, with one counselor I accidentally developed a mini crush on her (I probably wished that more women would listen to me like she was doing) and so obviously the sessions were not as affective as they should have been.

[reinventmyself]

There are some things that men can only understand about other men - and vice versa. It cuts out alot of unnecessary explaining.

 

Also, with one counselor I accidentally developed a mini crush on her (I probably wished that more women would listen to me like she was doing) and so obviously the sessions were not as affective as they should have been.

 

I am probably not going to say this correctly but it's therapeutic to a sense to develop a crush on your therapist (transference)

If anyone's interested in it google it . . I'll butcher it trying to explain it.

 

They are there to replace your parent, partner whom ever in the therapeutic sense to teach you to develop healthy attachments.

It's very common to develop an attachment (and desired?) to them in this way.

It's also very confusing at times. .

[mfan]

There are some things that men can only understand about other men - and vice versa. It cuts out alot of unnecessary explaining.

I agree with this - I had a male therapist and a female therapist at different times during my life. I specifically wanted a man when I was a young man, because I thought he would know and understand the issues that young men go through. I think I made the right choice there. Later in my life it didn't matter.

 

As for the OP's mention of the idea that female therapists are more sympathetic and act more caring - some are and some aren't, plus it might not be so great to have a therapist actually feel bad when you tell her sad things - I've even read about instances where a therapist cries while listening to a patient's stories and to me that would be very discomforting.

[Hoagy]

I've even read about instances where a therapist cries while listening to a patient's stories and to me that would be very discomforting.

 

Quite true. Sympathy all well and good but you would hope a therapist would remain strong and professional throughout. Sometimes a client may need them to be a stabilising influence that can be relied upon - a rock to cling to in a tempestuous sea. A male therapist can act as a father or uncle figure, especially where such a figure is lacking in a client's support system.

 

It may or may not be related, but I cannot buy underpants if a male assistant is serving. Shirts, trousers, shoes, jackets and ties - yes. Underpants - no.