chocolate_86 Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 My boyfriend has played tennis all of his life and loves it. He got offered a free holiday to another country to play tennis.all expenses paid..which means we will be apart about 4 months. We have been together a year. I am completely devastated. He says he wants me to come over for a couple of months. But I do have a full time job with my long service due soon. I am terrified to go over to see him. I've never left my country on my own before ever. He has. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity but I can't help but feel if he really loves me he wouldn't go, no matter how much he would love it. I'm completely in love with him. And he with me. But it doesn't change the fact he will go and I'm not sold that long distance will work for us. I just wonder if our feelings will go away for good. Someone help me I don't know what I'm doing Link to comment
meoww Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 4 months is actually shorter than you might think but I would worry if this becomes a regular thing. Is there any reason why you don't fully trust him? Did something happen that might make you doubt him? I think you have nothing to worry about if he is totally comfortable with having a discussion about how you plan to keep the relationship alive during those months. It's important to have a routine and do little things to show you care. I think long distance works better when there is an end point to the separation and in your case there is. If he becomes defensive and blaming you for not trusting him or starts acting distant then I think you might have to start rethinking the strength of your relationship. There's a lot you can accomplish in 4 months away from him, you could plan on your own life goal to accomplish during that time and that might help you worry less. It's also a good time to take extra good care of your body or give yourself a makeover. Link to comment
relevart Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 It's a once in a lifetime opportunity but I can't help but feel if he really loves me he wouldn't go, no matter how much he would love it. You're being really selfish and self centered. You yourself said this is a great oppurtunity for him and that he loves tennis. He'd be really silly to skip that for someone he has been with for just a year. And would resent you like crazy. You need to be supportive of this dude. It's about him, not you. Link to comment
Clinton Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 If your relationship can't survive this, it's not much of a relationship. Take a deep breath and calm down. Four months is not a long time. Go see him for a short time midway. Everything will be fine. Link to comment
SocialStigma Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 Four months really flies by if you keep busy. My boyfriend and I had been together for only 6 months when I flew halfway accross the world to pursue a summer internship. I was gone for 4 months and we had a 13 hour time difference. He wasn't able to visit me due to him being in school and the cost of a return flight would've been ~$2000. We made it work. He didn't want me to go either but he knew it was something I wanted to further my future career and he supported me. We are definitely a stronger couple now because of it. LD isn't for every couple but if it's only 4 months/temporary, it's really not a big deal if you trust your boyfriend. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 If you really loved him you wouldn't want him to give up this amazing opportunity (since you raised the "if he really loved me"). Tell him with confidence and a smile to have a great time and that you can't wait to see him again. Link to comment
Doc Blaze Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 but I can't help but feel if he really loves me he wouldn't go, no matter how much he would love it. ^^ great way to plant a bad seed in a relationship.... thats def not the way to go about things Link to comment
Theniceone Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 We have been together a year. I am completely devastated. He says he wants me to come over for a couple of months. But I do have a full time job with my long service due soon. I am terrified to go over to see him. I've never left my country on my own before ever. He has. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity but I can't help but feel if he really loves me he wouldn't go, no matter how much he would love it. First, you need to calm down. Why are you devastated? It is a once a lifetime opportunity! You should be happy for him and supportive. Is it such a big deal to you because your life centers around your bf? Then it will be a great opportunity to discover new hobbies, reconnect with friends and/or gain some indpendence. and.. yes you are being selfish. If your relationship is that strong, it is not a short 4 months away that will result in the end of it... unless there are issues you have not mentioned here. You seem to see the glass as half empty....You are terrified to go see him? Why not see this as a project you two can plan together to strengthen your bond. This will also be a growth experience for you. Maybe instead of being ''terrified'', you will become eager to travel and discover new places/cultures. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 If you really loved HIM, you would be happy he has this awesome opportunity. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 I see your point, if he loved you he wouldn't go. Except that frames love for you as a yoke, a leash. Would you want that? Or can love be a power boost, rocket fuel that feeds his engine? You are not a child. Your fear of traveling to see him: if you loved him, you would get over it. See how damaging this thought pattern is? Let love be a fact you do not question, and do not let life events act as a test of it. If he stays and he wishes he had gone, your RL will end. If he goes and you do not last, your RL will end. If you support him, you give your RL a fighting chance. If you figure out how to visit and overcome your fears, you let your RL cause you to grow. Maybe he will be proud of you for reaching beyond your comfort zone. Right now, your behavior is reinforcing the idea that you are not compatible. He is a traveler and a risk taker and he performs at a high level. How do you match that? Link to comment
Dcgent Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 agreed, if you really loved him you would let him take advantage of this opportunity. He appears to love you, as he is offering you the ability to come along or most, if not all of the time. Don't sabotage your relationship. Link to comment
greta96 Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 You sound as if your whole life is centered around this guy, and I hope I don't have to tell you how unhealthy this is! What's going to happen if he breaks up with you one day? Are you going to kill yourself, because you cannot live without him? And, I agree with the poster who said you're being way too selfish. This is not about you, it's about him and an opportunity he has been given to do something he loves. Him going doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, it is not a reflection of his feelings for you. On the other hand, what you're saying is a reflection on yourself, and not a good one. If I were you, I'd make sure he doesn't pick up on your feelings about his trip, or he may reconsider being with you in the long run. If you can't be happy for him and support him, then why would he marry you? And 4 months is nothing, all you have to do is live your life as an individual, spend time with family and friends, and the 4 months will be up in no time. But of course, if you made him the center of your universe, it will feel like forever. Nobody wants to be the center of their partner's universe, it's too much pressure, and these relationships usually end in disaster. He will appreciate you much more if you had your own life and hobbies and friends, and if you simply wished him to have lots of fun and told him how happy you were that he had this opportunity to do something he enjoys. Link to comment
No1 Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 This is deeper than what you are making this out to be, you said you were depressed BEFORE the relationship started. Im going to guess you have already told him "If you love me you woudnt go". Perhaps you are not ready for an unconditional, loving relationship. Being distracted is a beautiful thing because we dont have to work on ourselves. Him going away for 4 months will make you face your fears and insecurities and its scaring you. I suggest seeing a counseler Link to comment
chocolate_86 Posted February 3, 2015 Author Share Posted February 3, 2015 Number one- I didn't say he doesn't love me if he goes I just thought it. Number 2 - I have been nothing but supportive of him watching Him play every week, he trains 4 days a week for 2 hours at a time and plays all day Saturday. Number 3. I have to wonder if he would make the same sacrifice for me Number 4- I'm not stopping him from going. I'm just weighing up these things Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 You knew when you got involved with him that tennis was important to him, right? And that it wouldn't be surprising if he'd relocate or travel for tennis-related opportunities? Friendship and relationships are not about that kind of reciprocity -we give and we make sacrifices in a healthy relationship because we want to, not because we expect the equal sacrifice from the other person. And anyway what is it that you are so passionate about as he is about tennis that he would need to make a sacrifice for (if you define sacrifice as being away for a few months while having the opportunity to get together during that time?). Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 Number one- I didn't say he doesn't love me if he goes I just thought it. Number 2 - I have been nothing but supportive of him watching Him play every week, he trains 4 days a week for 2 hours at a time and plays all day Saturday. Number 3. I have to wonder if he would make the same sacrifice for me Number 4- I'm not stopping him from going. I'm just weighing up these things Do you have anything you feel passionately about --- or is your focus on the relationship. Link to comment
relevart Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 Number one- I didn't say he doesn't love me if he goes I just thought it. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity but I can't help but feel if he really loves me he wouldn't go, no matter how much he would love it. Technically, you said you "felt" it as if you knew it to be true. There is nothing to "weigh up." You are either fall down overjoyed and ecstatic for this opportunity he has or you're being selfish. there's no middle ground. You're sabotaging this relationship with your "feelings." You wonder if he would make the same sacrifice? There's no way to know this, but you're looking for reasons to feel bad. If you feel he trains too much and lays too much, I don't know what to tell you. Players need their practice. I think you need to take a good hard look at what you expect from him. Link to comment
chocolate_86 Posted February 7, 2015 Author Share Posted February 7, 2015 I lost my virginity to him. He is my first real relationship..I love him, so naturally I'm going to be upset..I can't believe how quick everyone is to turn on me. I'm not stopping him or making him feel bad about going in fact I'm going for a little bit too. I'm just sad..but I'll deal with it..it's a good opportunity for him. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 I can relate to knowing you're going to miss the person but it's troubling that you would focus on "if he really loved me he would give up this opportunity". I'm glad you will be joining him and I am glad you have shifted your focus to what a wonderful opportunity it is for him from your attitude you expressed when you first started this thread. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 I too am glad to read that you will be going. You are reaching beyond your fear of travel to share this experience. His opportunity is now also your opportunity. Both of you will grow because of this experience. Excellent. Life is for living. Squeeze every bit of juice from it that you can. Link to comment
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