zebragirl Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I am a woman and I look at porn sometimes. I know my husband doesn't. He's just never been into it. He's never said anything indicating that he would be bothered by me doing it although I've never asked him either. But somehow I feel guilty when I masturbate to porn. I don't know if it's just because I was brought up believing porn or any sex outside marriage is wrong or what. Does anyone else feel this way? Should I stop doing it and should I tell my husband? I just feel weird afterward. I don't actually believe it's wrong to be honest even though I know I was taught that. I think if it becomes an obsession it can cause issues so I try not to very often. But I just don't quite know why like I did something wrong after doing it. Link to comment
Tinydance Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Well I don't come from a religious upbringing but I do have some Christian friends who were brought up to believe that porn and masturbating is wrong too. However, I personally feel that it's fine to watch porn in moderation, as long as it's not all you do and you still get intimate with your partner. I think your husband probably doesn't mind and he may even occasionally watch porn himself, but you just don't know it. I think you have nothing to feel guilty for at all. I watch porn and masturbate to it as well and I love it, but I don't do it all the time. However, I'm single and I think even if I watched porn every day, who cares, I only have myself to answer to. Why don't you suggest to your husband to watch porn together, do you think that would turn him on? Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Masturbation is not sex outside of marriage. Link to comment
BMP2CPM Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Have you offered to let your husband watch you while you do that? Most guys would love to watch their woman do that. Maybe bring it into the marriage rather than have it outside the marriage? Link to comment
zebragirl Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 I think it must be my upbringing that brings along the guilt. Because as a child i was taught masturbation was even wrong. So combine masturbation and porn, double guilty feelings. I don't believe either is wrong but I think there are lingering feelings based on what I was taught that I need to work through I guess. I had thought about asking my husband if he'd like to watch with me. I haven't done it but I am considering it. We need some spicing things up and it might be fun. If not then at least we will have tried? I kind of worry that he'll think it's weird for me to like porn but maybe not. I told him once that it would turn me on to see him masterbate and he seemed like he thought it light be a fun idea. Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 As a child you were also told Santa was real. Time to put the lies of childhood and upbringing behind you. Link to comment
zebragirl Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 My parents were so conservative they didn't even do Santa, lol. But I get your point. There are lots of things I don't believe that I was taught. I guess this is just one more. I just was curious if this "guilt" feeling was normal for other people that weren't raised like i was or if this is just another thing I have to work through from my past. Sometimes I don't know what's "normal" since I am working through a lot of stuff I was taught. Like being inhibited sexually because I was taught to save myself for marriage, it caused a lot of problems with my sexual view of myself and confidence in that area. I know this and am working through it but not always sure what's rooted in something false and what's normal if you know what I mean Link to comment
lukeb Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Feelings of guilt like other kinds of difficult emotions take a long time to overcome. They are not going to be solved by us telling you, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You have nothing to feel guilty about. I'm not sure I would invite your husband to watch porn with you yet, but I would talk about it with him. I don't think it is going to solve these issues over-night but I think it would help. I think the goal should be to feel less guilty about it over time. Good luck. Link to comment
jcaves80 Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Could not agree more!!!! have you offered to let your husband watch you while you do that? Most guys would love to watch their woman do that. Maybe bring it into the marriage rather than have it outside the marriage? Link to comment
Fudgie Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I think mhowe is right in that it's time to try and move on and let go of some of the stuff that you were taught when you were raised. Many of us were raised with things that don't jive in our current lives. Don't let that be a hinderance to you. I would get down to the bottom of where the guilt comes from. No, there's nothing wrong with it and I think you know that intellectually but the guilt comes from your upbringing. Time to work on that and overcome it. Me, I've been a consumer since I was 13/14. No harm or shame in that. 2-3x a week here. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I think mhowe is right in that it's time to try and move on and let go of some of the stuff that you were taught when you were raised. Many of us were raised with things that don't jive in our current lives. Don't let that be a hinderance to you. I would get down to the bottom of where the guilt comes from. No, there's nothing wrong with it and I think you know that intellectually but the guilt comes from your upbringing. Time to work on that and overcome it. Me, I've been a consumer since I was 13/14. No harm or shame in that. 2-3x a week here. The beauty with becoming an adult is you get to decide what values your parents put on you that you should keep and what you shouldn't. These were someone else's values and now you can chose your own. I think your interest in sex and porn is perfectly healthy. . but that would be my value. Decide for yourself. Link to comment
Unreasonable Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Question is, IF your husband watched porn, without you, would you have a problem with it? Perhaps you're feeling guilty because you're getting something he's not? Link to comment
zebragirl Posted January 30, 2015 Author Share Posted January 30, 2015 Question is, IF your husband watched porn, without you, would you have a problem with it? Perhaps you're feeling guilty because you're getting something he's not? I wouldn't have a problem with it in general. The only time I would have a problem with it is if he's using it as a substitute for us having sex ALL the time. Because the situation I am in right now is that we have a very nearly sexless marriage, largely due to what I have figured is his lack of libido and some ED issues and how little sleep he gets. If you are curious on the history of that I have some other posts that go more in depth. So there may be an element of guilty feelings because I'd rather be having sex with him but it's not been happening because of the libido issues. And if I knew he were getting off to porn NOW knowing that we don't have sex, then yes that would bother me, because I'd think "why doesn't he put in any effort with me yet takes the time to get off to porn" on the other hand if you are thinking the same about me, I have been putting in effort, trying to initiate sex with him, have talked to him about getting checked out medically for the ED, pushed him to get his testosterone checked (which he was sure would be normal and was not). But if we had a healthy sex life together, then no, him looking at porn wouldn't bother me. Link to comment
Unreasonable Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Well, I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. Especially if you're sexually frustrated. His testosterone is low and he's having ED issues. Is he doing anything about it? Link to comment
zebragirl Posted January 30, 2015 Author Share Posted January 30, 2015 Well he just found out the results yesterday so I am not sure. I am hoping he will be proactive and I won't have to push him too much to treat it. Link to comment
faraday Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 As a child you were also told Santa was real. Time to put the lies of childhood and upbringing behind you. Sometimes I love you Mhowe. Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Sometimes I love you Mhowe. Always nice to be loved! Link to comment
zebragirl Posted February 1, 2015 Author Share Posted February 1, 2015 Funny thing, we had some conversation last night about sex and his testosterone and ways to liven our sex life up.. Just asked if he'd ever want to watch porn with me. And he was like "YES!" I was a bit surprised to be honest. He started asking if I have and what turns me on and wasn't upset at all! It made me nervous but I am glad he was very open and seemed fine with it Link to comment
Lonewing Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 You're only feeling guilty because it's been substituting for what you don't have...I hope you and him unlock this now!! Sex doesn't have to be P->V to be satisfying, mutual masturbation, hand jobs, oral, you name it, are all perfectly reasonable. Do what you can to help him fix that sleep issue, though...and even if it doesn't get hard the mouth still feels awesome - and that goes both ways!! Link to comment
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