Ex emailed me today

[csdude55]

Anyone that's kept up with my saga will know about Anna. She's the one I consider to be the girl of my dreams, but we had a very emotional break up last month. She felt it was more important for her to reconcile with the father of her children, which I hate to admit that I understand. What kind of man would I be to come between a family that could be possibly happy?

 

She also comes from a very religious family (Pentecostal), so both her mom and her church were pressuring her to go back to the father. The fact that he's controlling and borderline abusive is irrelevant to them.

 

This is one of her last messages to me:

 

I'm really sorry I shouldn't have gave u hope about us

being together but I think I was giving myself hopes to be finally

happy in my life but I have to be realistic I have kids their father loves them

And he's trying hard to make me happy idk how I'm going

to live with you what if people destroy our relationship

Idk I feel like its the right decision

I'm really sorry

 

The last time she and I spoke was on Dec 18. I've been trying to move on since then, and gave myself a mental "deadline", so to speak. I had decided that if she hasn't said anything to me by Jan 18 (1 month later), then I'd completely give up on her.

 

So, of course, today she sent me a message on a website that we used to talk on. Not a simple text or email, but she actually went to this specific website JUST to send me a message. She even created a new username (I guess she couldn't log in to the old one), so she actually made a real effort to get in touch with me.

 

All it said was, "Hii how are you!!", but that was enough to make my heart skip about 3 beats. Just seeing her name come up took my breath away.

 

I replied a few hours later with "Hi! I'm great, how are you?" She hasn't replied to that, though.

 

I don't think I'm really asking for advice, I'm just... talking. I'm sure that she's still with the father, so while this probably isn't exactly a reach out to get back together, it probably means that she misses the strong emotional connection we had. I do, too, but I just don't have it in me to be someone's backup plan.

[peterl]

Stay strong i understand how you feel but theres is really no point in talking to her. Dont try to be her friend thats not what you want and merely by talking to her it takes you miles back on your healing. Trust me on this i speak from experience and contact just sets you back indefinitely. Go NC again and unless she reaches out and tells you she wants to be with you there really is no point in talking. Thats the only amount of acceptable effort from her. Im not telling you to hate or anything just realise that nothing you say or do will affect her actions. If she ever wants ot come back to you it has to be her decision and her decision alone and not something forced because for example you spoke and she missed you. Again talking from experience unfortunately unless its 100% her decision it wont work. Good luck on you healing and moving on

[csdude55]

You're 110% right. I tried to be her friend after the break up, but it's just not possible. I can't force myself to NOT get excited when she emails. Or turn off the desire to hug her or whatever when I see her. Or make myself not read in to everything she says, looking for clues that she's thinking about "us".

 

Which is pretty much what I told her when we last talked on Dec 18. I told her that I could never see her as a friend, and I don't think she'll ever see me that way, either. I said that we could pretend to just be friends, but we both know it would just be pretending.

 

I'm just torn between hoping she writes back with "I love you and want us to be together", or hoping that she doesn't write back at all.

[peterl]

Trust from my own painful experience with someone, even if she does in my case she did, she never made the next step which was to leave the guy she was with and be with me. In my case it was always false hope and it hurt like hell. And ok i get it theres kids in the way theres a reason. I dont mean to be disrespectful but theres always a "reason". In my case she couldnt leave her boyfriend which she felt nothing with for the last year cause he was depressed and she was afraid hell do something stupid. But she also said all the nice things i bet anna once said to you. Its hard but you have to realise its their own problem. The problem is in their own head and even if you take her by the hand and guide her through what she has to do, which is what i did, in the end its her that has to do it. So your only true option is move on and if she ever finds the courage and will to make a change she will find a way. And as for the kids part imho kids are always happy when their parents are happy even if they are divorced. Kids arent stupid nor do they become emotionaly crippled if their parents are seperated as long as they see them happy.

Im not saying all this to beat you down or anything just speaking from experience. If you keep on the contact theres always gonna be hope creeping up in you and it will never stop hurting. I wasted too many years like that dont make the same mistake and move on. Of course you will be thinking of her from time to time but just remember that theres is nothing you can do to change the situation its only up to her. So just go about your life and if she ever comes back saying she wants to be with you, youll see where you stand about it then, but dont waste your time waiting for it. Best of luck

[weathergirl]

csdude...I totally understand how you feel...your heart skipping a beat, analyzing to the nth degree why she emailed .... and if it means she misses you....all of it!

 

I've been there...I think we all have.

 

That is why it's always suggested that you block a significant other from your phone and all social media after a break up. So this doesn't happen.

 

You've been trying to move on...but now that you've heard from her, you're back at square one again! Right?

 

I know it's hard but for your own healing, I would suggest you block her. It's not mean...it's self-preservation!

 

You need to move on and in order to do that, you must extricate her from your consciousness. If you block her, every time you receive a text, you won't be secretly (or not secretly) hoping it's her...or hoping she contacts you on social media.

 

Trust me, that alone is extremely freeing... mentally and emotionally! And it will enable you to move on much more quickly!!

 

Please think about it, okay?

[csdude55]

I couldn't agree more, guys.

 

Peter, I told her all along that I didn't want her to choose me over her ex. I wanted her to realize that he was bad for her, and then separately decide that I'm good for her. There's a huge difference. I don't want to just be the crutch that she needs to leave him.

 

Weathergirl, you're completely right, too. That's why I gave myself what I considered to be a deadline (or a "mourning period", if you prefer) of 1 month. I didn't want to make her think that I was angry or hurt or anything like that, which I thought would probably do more damage than it would help. But I figured that after a month, she'll have moved on for sure, and so would I. Which is why it's kind of funny that she contacted me after 3 weeks and 3 days! LOL God, or Satan, or maybe Aphrodite is definitely messing with me ;-)

 

On some level, though, I'm actually pretty glad that she contacted me today because it made me realize some things about myself. Even though my heart skipped a beat, I guess that I've really already moved on more than I thought, because I didn't break my neck to reply or anything. I thought about how I've been talking to other girls lately, and was able to give rational thought to what I hoped would happen with Anna and whether I was ready to get hurt again. And if she doesn't write back (she hasn't written back today), it's not going to be a tragedy or anything.

 

I think that I have the ability to now tell her that if she's not ready to be with me, then call me when she is. I couldn't have done that 3 weeks ago.

[weathergirl]

Okay...but by telling her to call you when she's ready...that implies you will be waiting and available IF and when SHE decides she is (ready). This places you in a totally vulnerable and powerLESS position.

 

That is not a good message to send. You could say that if you want her to think you will be pining away for her indefinitely......but I would not recommend it!!

 

I don't think you should respond back at all, but if you must, it might be better to say something like "if you ever decide to give us a chance, feel free to get in touch, and if I am still interested and available, we can discuss it." That shows you have self-respect and it will keep her slightly off balance....which is a good thing!!!

 

That way she won't take for granted you will always be there if and when she decides she is ready.. Instead, it will make her realize that if she takes too long to decide, you may have completely moved on and have no desire to get back with her! That you have options!!!

 

This keeps her on her toes, and prevents her from becoming complacent about it and taking for granted you will always be there...waiting... hoping.

 

Does that make sense?

[weathergirl]

I just modified my above post.

[csdude55]

Yep, crystal clear That's basically what I meant, anyway. Not that I'll be waiting on pins and needles for her to call, but that she should call me when she's ready, and if I'm still available then we'll talk about it then.

 

I'm too dang old to sit around waiting for someone else to make a decision.

[Snny]

Do not talk to her, do not respond to her messages. If she is creating user names to reach you (especially after you blocked her) change your user name so she cannot find you. She has to learn that if she intended to walk away, then she needs to accept that choice. You cannot walk back and choose a different path all the time.

[csdude55]

My ex sent me a message on Sunday, after 3 weeks of no contact. Our entire conversation:

 

Her (Sunday, 2:53pm): Hii !! how are you!!

 

Me (Sunday, 5:13pm): Hey !! I'm great, how are you !!

 

Her (Monday, 11:03am): I'm great what have you been up to

 

Me (Monday, 4:22pm): How's your new job and everything going?

 

And... now it's Friday. She hasn't read my last message, and for all I know she's forgotten all about us having a conversation.

 

But on MY end, I'm checking about once an hour to see if she's read it or replied. I'm waiting around on pins and needles, constantly just... hoping. Praying that she's going to write back and tell me that she made a huge mistake and wants me back.

 

It's pure torture. There's just no other word for it. Chaney himself could take a lesson from her. I have no idea how she's feeling on her end, whether she's anxious about writing back and pouring her heart out to me, or if she's already forgotten about me. Do I mean everything to her, or nothing? I have no idea.

 

So to answer your question... I have no idea if responding was a bad move for you, but for me, not so great. At least, not so far. But for all I know, your ex might write you back in the morning and tell you exactly what you want to hear.

 

I wish you the best of luck with it, though.

[Brokenhart84]

I think you have to look at your text message. I've been listening to videos from Brad browning on YouTube. He states that you should always be the one to end the conversation first. Also you should not send "empty" texts as well as ask how they are doing. When she asked what have you been up to, you should have appeared like you were actually moving on and enjoying your life.

[csdude55]

Sorry to the OP for hijacking your thread, but I think the last 2 messages were directed at me. I actually had a different thread on my ex contacting me, so I don't know if a mod should move these two posts to that thread?

 

 

 

I think you have to look at your text message. I've been listening to videos from Brad browning on YouTube. He states that you should always be the one to end the conversation first. Also you should not send "empty" texts as well as ask how they are doing.

 

IIRC, Brad Browning is about picking up girls, right? Not relationship stuff? IMO, there's a pretty big difference. I'm not bragging or anything, but I've never had a hard time picking up a girl; it's making her take me seriously is where it gets a little trickier.

 

In this case, our chat sessions used to go on for HOURS. She would always initiate with a "Hey" or whatever, then she'd check back every hour or so until I replied. From that point, we'd just sit and talk all day and night. For whatever reason, girls I've been talking to lately don't seem to want (or understand?) the art of an ongoing conversation; they treat texting like a live chat room.

 

Knowing that, what you would have sent in reply, after she opened with "how are you?" We hadn't talked in 3 weeks, so other than just jumping in with talking about myself... I'm not sure what else I could have said?

 

When she asked what have you been up to, you should have appeared like you were actually moving on and enjoying your life.

 

You're talking about the last message I sent, where I snipped the content? In that one, I think I did sort of give that impression; I tried to keep it light and funny, but I briefly commented on "the horrors of dating" and a party I'd recently attended with a mutual friend.

 

And well, I ended with a comment about her new job, because she's working at a restaurant I used to like, but I've been avoiding it since she started there. I was hoping that she would at least reply back with "come see me", or at least say something that would make me feel like it wouldn't be intrusive to go eat there.

 

Either way, that's all irrelevant because she hasn't read my last message

 

 

Well, the good news is she hasn't forgotten you. She might be having some issues with her current bf and needs some reassurance that there are other options - or, that she can still get positive male attention. I read a bit about your situation from other threads, but, I couldn't find enough to enable me to make even a guess about her intentions.

 

As for what you mean to her, avoid the sort of all or nothing thinking you seem to be doing. You don't mean nothing to her, nor, do you mean everything to her. You two were together long enough that she is never going to forget you, though. I think you know that. What you don't know is whether this is the first step in getting back together. It might be, but, it's probably not. Exes do this all the time, but only a small fraction of couoples get back together (although, as the thread entitled just that proves, it does happen)

 

Doofus, I'm only guessing that you were replying to me? I'm going to feel pretty stupid and narcissistic if you meant this for the OP! LOL

 

I can reiterate the whole story if it helps (heck, I think about it all the time but don't have anyone to talk to about it, so I'd love to just rehash it), but in the end, I don't really think that I mean nothing to her; I guess I was just being emotional when I posted that. But what I don't know is whether she really just misses me as a friend, or if she still loves me and is struggling with it. That's the real kick in the teeth.

 

Our break up is what made the whole thing so confusing and hard to get past. It went for over a week, honestly. She basically said that she was just kidding herself that she could "finally be happy", and needed to take her ex back. After some back and forth, I mentioned that I wasn't OK with us breaking up at all, but she seemed OK with it. Her reply:

 

Its not that I'm OK with it I just need to decide once and for all

I really want to be with you but something tells me its not going to work and I'm scared of that so I'm going to continue my life and I hope everything turns out good

 

That "I really want to be with you" made it hard to swallow. I know that she's worried that our families wouldn't accept the relationship due to race (she's Mexican, I'm white), and that her church wouldn't accept her being with a man that's not the father of her children (she's Pentecostal). So I'm almost convinced that our break up is due to outside pressure, not that she doesn't love me.

 

Anyway. A few minutes later, she said:

 

I'm sorry honey but you have to accept this. Its the end and we both have to continue our lives

 

My reply:

 

No. I don't accept it. There's no way you went from loving me yesterday to feeling nothing for me today.

 

She went silent for about 20 minutes, then her reply was:

 

I'm so sorry for everything I said. Can you please come be with me tonight?

 

Then about a minute later:

 

Wait no what am I saying we have to end this

 

So I didn't go to her that night, we just kept talking online. When I say "online", I mean that she was going to a specific website (sort of like this one) specifically to talk to me, so even though she was breaking up with me, she was constantly going out of her way to talk to me.

 

And this most recent message was the same way. She didn't just send me a text on a whim; it would have taken her a few minutes to pull up this website, create a new account (don't know why she didn't use the original one), then look up my username. So it felt pretty relevant... but then, why no more replies??

 

 

It sounds from your other threads that maybe you're dating now? I think doing that is a very good idea and you should start if you haven't been. Don't look for anything serious, but it's important to remember that your ex is not the only great woman out there. There are TONS. This will help you take her off the pedestal you've put her on. That in turn will help you handle future texts in a more balanced way.

 

I was sort of giving it a go, but not anymore. I realize now that I was really hoping that going on a date would distract me from her, but that didn't work at all. In retrospect, I was treating these women the way I treated Anna (the ex), and was then disappointed when they didn't respond the way Anna would.

 

Worse, I can say that I've not had one sexual fantasy about a woman other than Anna, even after the break up. I've tried, believe me! I would start out thinking about one girl, but my mind would just go back to Anna. So I really can't date; it's not fair to anyone. And frankly, I don't really want to. I want Anna back.

 

I guess that it's not unfair to say that I've put her on a pedestal, but I don't think it's as simple as that. I'm 39 years old, and have never once in my life connected with a woman the way I did with Anna. So just letting her go feels a lot like giving up on my one shot at true love.

 

I know that there are plenty of great women out there, that's not the problem. I just broke up with my LTR who was great, too... but I didn't love her. There's no question that I can find another great woman, but will I love her the way I love Anna? If the last 39 years have taught me anything, it's that the odds are very much against it.

 

 

As for replying to texts, I'm actually in favor of it. You never know where that might lead. In the future, if it were me, I'd cut down on the exclamation marks. Letting her know that you're willing to talk is sufficient to get the ball rolling. The exclamation marks make you seem a little desperate. And, although you probably are, she doesn't need to know that. If she's just checking to see that you're still available for her needs, then it hurts your chances of extending the conversation.

 

You're probably right. I was actually trying to match her enthusiasm... she sent me 2 sentences with 2 !! at the end of each one, so I did the same. I didn't want to come accross as too excited, but didn't want to seem aloof, either.

 

But now I haven't heard from her in a week again, so... back to square one. I do NOT like relinquishing control like that, though. Now that she's reached out and said hey, I'm debating on going to the restaurant where she works, sitting down for lunch, and let her be the one to decide whether it's OK to come over and talk. It's either that, or sit around on pins and needles for another month, hoping to get another "Hey" message that still might not go anywhere.

[weathergirl]

Oh man I am completely confused now.

 

csdude you keep referring to the OP as if it's someone else (not you)...your post no. 13, line one, for example.. But I just went back to page one and from what I see...YOU "are" the OP of this thread?

 

What am I missing here???? I am thoroughly confused.

[weathergirl]

csdude..my two cents is you should not have responded back at all..

 

But if you must...instead of attempting to charm her and pull her back in by being "light and funny," give her a quick response back to her question (two words or less).. but DO NOT ask her anything in return that ends with a question mark...

 

In other words, don't engage her...she dumped you remember? Let HER engage you!!!

 

It's not rude to do that... it's smart and self protective...and shows her you have self respect and you won't jump like a puppy dog every time she tosses you a bone....the latter of which is a huge turn off!

[GG33]

Wow we are in similar positions. Mine decided to work things out with an ex. They have a kid together and broke up with me December 22. I felt a connection with him I hadn't felt with anyone in years.

 

How long did you date this girl?

 

I have not heard from mine and I hope to hear from him someday. But another part of me doesn't care. I don't want to be someone's backup plan and I feel like he may not have been completely honest with me that his previous relationship was fully over.

[pippy longstocking]

CS ..you are the op ??

 

 

I am award winningly confused

[notalady]

The link you posted is this post. OP, have you lost it? Haha

[pippy longstocking]

The link you posted is this post. OP, have you lost it? Haha

 

hahahaha I was running round in the same circle as well

[csdude55]

Oh, good grief, this whole thing is a mess.

 

Post #11 was in response to this thread:

 

 

 

The mods moved post #11 and #12 to this thread (I agree with #12, but not #11). But they forgot to move this post, which came before my post at #13:

 

 

 

And they forgot to move this post, which should have been immediately following #13:

[csdude55]

Wow we are in similar positions. Mine decided to work things out with an ex. They have a kid together and broke up with me December 22. I felt a connection with him I hadn't felt with anyone in years.

 

How long did you date this girl?

 

You're right, these are very similar. The last time I saw mine was on Dec 17. We talked a little on Dec 18, and then silence until last Monday (which prompted this thread).

 

It's hard to say, exactly, how long we were together. We were platonic friends for a long time, which turned in to close friends, which turned in to a love connection. From our first official date to the end was only a few weeks, but it's hard to determine a day that the relationship actually started.

 

She said "I love you" for the first time about 4 months ago, so if I had to pick a day for it to have started, I guess that would be it. And while 4 months doesn't seem like a long time, I know that she and I connected more strongly in those 4 months than I had connected with my previous LTR of 20 years. I can honestly say that, at 39 years old, this was the first time I've ever truly felt like I was in love.

 

 

I have not heard from mine and I hope to hear from him someday. But another part of me doesn't care. I don't want to be someone's backup plan and I feel like he may not have been completely honest with me that his previous relationship was fully over.

 

I totally get that. Anna (my girl) was 100% honest with me... painfully honest at times, so I don't question her honesty or anything. But like you, I'm torn. On the one hand, I know that I want her back, and I'm just going to compare any future girl to her (which is pretty unfair, because they're going to be compared to the future I THINK Anna and I would have had... which means they're competing with a fantasy). But on the other hand, I don't like being second choice, either.

 

But in this case, I can't even tell if I'm second choice. If you read through all of our messages, I'm (almost) certain that I'm really her first choice, but she's succumbing to family, religious, and peer pressure to be in a bad relationship. That she's trying to do what she thinks is the "right" thing for her kids, but is still thinking of and wanting to be with me.

[Ms Darcy]

But in this case, I can't even tell if I'm second choice. If you read through all of our messages, I'm (almost) certain that I'm really her first choice, but she's succumbing to family, religious, and peer pressure to be in a bad relationship. That she's trying to do what she thinks is the "right" thing for her kids, but is still thinking of and wanting to be with me.

 

I think this is your ego talking. You guys dated for a few weeks right ... only sort of. She had KIDS with this guy. I think she's unhappy with him for sure but everything about her interaction with you screams "rebound" or distraction from my unhappiness a la Bridges of Madisen County.

[GG33]

I think this is your ego talking. You guys dated for a few weeks right ... only sort of. She had KIDS with this guy. I think she's unhappy with him for sure but everything about her interaction with you screams "rebound" or distraction from my unhappiness a la Bridges of Madisen County.

 

That's how I feel about my situation. I don't want to put my life on hold and give away my power to something like that.

[csdude55]

You're probably right, Ms Darcy. Although I've never read Bridges of Madison County (or watched the movie), so I can't swear to the analogy

 

I guess that, technically, we were "together" for about 4 months, depending on how you define "together". But we've been close for 6, maybe 7 months. Not a huge amount of time, of course, but she was only with her ex for 3 years. They got pregnant early in the relationship, and religious pressure is what pushed them to try to stay together.

 

I have no doubt that our relationship started out as a distraction, but I don't know if that means that it was ALL it ever was to her, or all it ever would be. She was in a loveless relationship, just like me, so isn't it possible that she just fell for a better guy?

 

I don't know if it's my ego that makes me think that I was really her first choice, or the words she's used. One day she says "I love you so much, I just want to run to you and be in your arms forever", then the next she says she's afraid that it isn't going to work and she needs to be with her ex for the children. Then she says "I was giving myself hopes to be finally happy in my life but I have to be realistic" and "I'm sorry honey but you have to accept this. Its the end and we both have to continue our lives", but then less than 30 minutes later she says "I'm so sorry for everything I said. Can you please come be with me tonight?"

 

Maybe I'm just seeing what I want to see, but even when she's trying to break up with me, she's constantly saying that she loves me and wants to be with me, but she's trying to do what she thinks is the "right" thing. It's like, she had a great inner struggle between doing what she thought was right, and doing what she really wanted.

 

Not only does that make it REAL hard for me to move on, but if I'm going to be honest, her almost Herculean efforts to be a good mother just make her all the more attractive to me. This is a girl that has sacrificed so much in her life to try to be a good mom, and now she's sacrificing a relationship with a guy that she (says that she) loves, too. Nothing is more beautiful to me than someone that will always put their children first... especially now, when I'm in a phase of life where I'm thinking about building a family.

[Ms Darcy]

For your own sake, the bigger you make the relationship in your mind, the harder it is to let go.

 

Ultimately, a woman isn't going to go back to a man, have sex with him, build a life with him, if she's not getting something out of it emotionally and then some FOR HERSELF. She's not having sex with him thinking of you. I mean, I hate to be crass like that but it is what it is.

 

And my bet is that she's telling him a lot of ego-stroking stuff too.