Another online daing journal

[reinventmyself]

2 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I wondered if he might have anger towards you because of his coldness. Has he told his father and his brother about his frustrations with them?

oomph. . impressed that you read through my long ramble.  Thx 😉

Anger towards me?  You think?   I never thought so, but that is the question on the table by now.  When I hear from him I will point out the fact that I am aware of why he keeps his Dad and brother at arms length and if there is a reason he can share why I am getting what appears to be the same treatment.

Dad and brother are fully aware of the discontent and he's made it verbally known on a few occasions.  There isn't really a right or wrong, though they've all done and said things they wish they could take back.

Big brother and little brother just see the world through different lenses.  Older brother is very cavalier about things.  Easy going, almost too easy.  Not much rattles him.  It's a gift and frustrating at the same time.  It's hard to take him seriously and so casual it's hard to pin him down about a lot things.  As he matures, he is a lot better about being accountable.

The younger one (5 yrs difference) is very philosophical, at times pretty intense and intolerant. In this respect, this is his gift.  He means what he says and says what he means. Unlike his Dad and brother he is a man of his word and you know exactly where you stand with him.   He's also pretty sensitive to older brothers ways and on a few occasions feels let down by him.  But these occasions were years ago. They go hot and cold with each other and often times don't see eye to eye on things.  They speak entirely different languages.

Add in narcissistic Dad, who's runs his life on the messy side.  It's hard to respect his life choices, having just moved in the 3rd woman, post divorce.   Narcissists love to lecture every one else on how to run their lives, yet doesn't see he sets a poor example himself.   

Both boys have Dad's number, but older son is much more tolerant and knows how to navigate Dad.  Where as the younger one is very intolerant.  Get the three of them in a room together, mix in a few beers and what you end up with is gasoline and fire. 

And because the older one lets things roll off his back, the little one assumes his brother has a better relationship with their father.  That the two of them are alike. We had this discussion not too long ago after a dust up with his father. I reminded him that his brother isn't necessarily closer to his father, he just knows how to handle him and not let him push his buttons.

I've always viewed myself as Switzerland.  Maybe that was my mistake.

[reinventmyself]

My precious Granddaughter  ❣️

We had a really good Thanksgiving.  I have typically cooked for Xmas Eve for too many years to count.  Now with the families shifting, growing, losing parents, covid, what fit before doesn't seem to fit any longer. 

This is the 3rd holiday without my mother and with the anniversary of her death just a few days ago, the last two years the holidays have given me a lot of anxiety.  Not knowing what makes sense or where I belong anymore.  I glossed over the anniversary this year and just kept moving fwd.  

I had both my sons, their ladies and my youngest sons in laws over for dinner.  8 total It was a really fun day/evening, sitting around the patio with a fire going late into the night.   4 years and counting I still haven't spent a holiday with my bf.  I have gone by his home after I spent time with my family once or twice, time permitting.  But neither of us have the room to combine the two families.

Christmas Eve will be with my brother's family at his step daughter's new home and Christmas morning spent with my youngest son and his family.  

I can officially stop fretting about how things used to be and have faith that these new uncertain times always seem to work out.  I still run from Christmas music as it reminds me too much of my parents.  Still working on embracing those holiday memories and not letting them make me so sad.

[Jibralta]

So cute! What a beautiful photo 😍