Ex just texted me, PLEASE HELP

[teeeg28]

Long story short, after a 5 year relationship I was randomly dumped by my gf who I thought I was going to marry. For the first 3 months I did everything wrong in the book. After finding this site I went NC and invested in healing books and things started to turn around. 2 months after NC I sent her a card for her birthday and she texted me saying she got it and we talked for a couple hours but after a while I had to stopped because it hurt so much to talk like nothing ever happened between us and haven't talked since. She was always fine after the BU and it killed me

 

Fast forward 2 months to right now and she just texted me "hey how are you"

 

I am flipping out. Immediately gave me a panic and asthma attack. I know the last thing I would want is to see her and honestly I was hoping I wouldn't hear from until I was completely over her because I'm still hurt and know I would take her back in an instant.

 

I would feel like a complete a**hole if I didn't reply. Honestly in the back of my head I'm telling myself to reply because maybe this is her trying to spark us back into maybe getting us back together. Which I know is bad. And honestly I want to talk with her and would want to see her if we acted like we used too (being in love and all) which is why I think it would hurt if I talked to her because I still want her in the old way. For the first 3 months after the BU trying to be friends was so hard because I still wanted to treat her in the relationship way. Which I feel would be a similar instance to us talking now. But like I said if I didn't reply I would feel like a a**hole because she finally did what I secretly hoped she would do, reach out to me.

 

Please tell me what to do. And sorry if this was confusing, my mind is very flustered at the moment

[Iggy5129]

Do not reply!! It will only hurt you and will not turn out how you want. Keep moving on and stay strong. You are not a jerk for not replying. She is the jerk for dumping you.

[kbbcoop77]

She dumped you. It's up to her to try reconciliation. Be very wary of breadcrumbs. I made that mistake. You need to be VERY CLEAR you are NOT INTERESTED in being just friends. If that's what she wants PASS. That's a one way street to pain. Let her know if she wants to discuss working on reconciliation then you will listen. Anything other than that you are wasting your time and setting yourself up for heartache. TRUST ME. The strongest position you can take is a willingness to walk away and MEAN IT. She will not respect anything else. Weakness is a major turnoff.

[teeeg28]

Kbb so you think I should respond and tell her I only want to talk if it's considers getting back together ?

[AutumnBorn]

T, if you want to get back together and that's all you'll accept, yes, tell her you only want to hear from her if she's wants to try again, but don't sound angry or cold about it. This is about self-preservation. Don't do this until at least two hours have passed from your getting the text. You don't want to appear anxious or flustered.

[sadchick83]

Its the Saturday night before Christmas....Everyone including your ex is getting nostalgic and emotional.

 

Listen to kbb and be very "wary of breadcrumbs." If she really wants you back she will keep texting or contact you in another way. But basically when someone dumps you they think about it for a while and it's hard to turn those emotions back around. Don't let this set you back. I wouldn't answer her.

[kbbcoop77]

Personally I don't think it hurts to make it clear reconciliation is the only topic that's up for discussion. But anything else ..ANYTHING ELSE is off limits and you're not interested.

[kbbcoop77]

As more time goes on however you need to let her go. If she strings you along after this then she is only after friendship and making her breakup experience more comfortable FOR HER. She is only after her own peace NOT YOURS. Trust me on this I learned it and lived it. And got burnt and only because I didn't want to believe what I've read on sites like this. What is written is totally true. People who have gone through this crap really have the answers as hurtful as they might seem.

[teeeg28]

As more time goes on however you need to let her go. If she strings you along after this then she is only after friendship and making her breakup experience more comfortable FOR HER. She is only after her own peace NOT YOURS. Trust me on this I learned it and lived it. And got burnt and only because I didn't want to believe what I've read on sites like this. What is written is totally true. People who have gone through this crap really have the answers as hurtful as they might seem.

 

So you think it would be wise to not respond and she if she reaches out again? My birthday is in 9 days so I am almost expecting her to say something. But if I ignore her now that may turn her off from doing so

[teeeg28]

T, if you want to get back together and that's all you'll accept, yes, tell her you only want to hear from her if she's wants to try again, but don't sound angry or cold about it. This is about self-preservation. Don't do this until at least two hours have passed from your getting the text. You don't want to appear anxious or flustered.

 

What if I'm not sure if I want her back or not. Sure it would be amazing to go back to what we had but I feel she is a totally different person now

[kbbcoop77]

If u feel that way it may be better to move on. If you think she's a different person than it may be better. Don't waste time and your heart. Good luck

[CraigHowes]

If one message has sent you into panic mode then this is no state to try and communicate with her. It would be like pouring salt into a hearing wound.

 

You keep saying you don't want to be an a hole or if i don't reply she won't want me back etc. You need to realign your mindset. Start thinking about you first, it's about your healing and your moving forward. This situation has nothing to do with her anymore as she is not a part of your life.

 

She will have more respect for you for standing up for yourself and showing her with actions that she's truly lost you and then if she does really want to get back with you she will let you know in a much clearer and concise way.

 

So yes either delete it or say I'm trying to move on with my life and i would appreciate it if you only contact me if you want to work things out. Take care.

 

Up to you.

 

Good luck.

[DaisyHope]

She may have dumped you and you may be hurting but if you say you'll feel the way you would if you didn't respond then I think you should. Point is why play games. Mull it over for an hour or so and the do what you feel you'd regret less and would make yourself feel better. That's what I've done with the 'breadcrumbs' you are you and there is no point being cold if that's not what you were like. Itell just come accross petty. Don't write an essay. Maybe just I'm well and looking forward to Christmas take care. Then resign yourself to the fact she won't respond. That way if she doesn't then it won't bother you. Xx

[teeeg28]

I really like what you had to say. Now it's time to decide if I should remain silent or text her what you said. I want to say something but at the same time I don't want to hurt her feelings/ get into a conversation about not speaking. I only want to talk if she says I want to work on things. I wish she just would have said "hey, I want to work on things if you are willing" that way I wouldn't feel so unsure about texting back lol

[kbbcoop77]

Wishing for what you hoped she would have said is a lesson in futility and heartache my friend. Been there done that. It may be better for you to just cut contact as painful as that sounds. You have to worry about YOU. How Are YOU going to get through this? I will tell you playing friendzies with her is a grave mistake and a one way ticket to wallowing and misery. You cannot be friends I tried it. Learn from my mistake. It won't work as long as you still desire reconciliation. Believe me.

[boniver88]

there is not much you can do. you can either:

1. reply - preferably something like "things are OK on my side. i hope you are doing good as well" (notice you would not ask a question since you don't care). she will either think you are faking you are ok, or you are really doing ok. just keep it short and polite.

2. don't reply - she will either think you are not ok or you just can't bother for whatever reason. maybe you got a new GF by now.

 

it is up to you. i don't know you nor your ex but this sounds like she is looking for an ego boost.

[sky09]

her text, the way you wrote it out, wasn't even a question. you should ask her if it was.

[teeeg28]

I decided to not text her back. It's been over a day since her text and I can't stop thinking about how much I wanted to talk to her (who she used to be, not her current self) I'm pretty flustered still. Any advice on how to stop these feelings of feeling like I missed an opportunity to reconcile for not replying

[kbbcoop77]

If she really wants to reconcile she will break your door down to do it. You didn't miss out on the opportunity. Chances are she misses you a bit and wants to keep you as a friend, this is extremely common. Don't let her. That's a one way ticket to pain ville.

[teeeg28]

If she really wants to reconcile she will break your door down to do it. You didn't miss out on the opportunity. Chances are she misses you a bit and wants to keep you as a friend, this is extremely common. Don't let her. That's a one way ticket to pain ville.

 

We tried being friends for the first 3 months, it was terrible. Nearly every time we would be with each other and would try to ask her to get back together. I know we can't friends.. or at least not until I am COMPLETELY over it. I guess you are right, if she would really want to reconcile, she would find a way to do so. I guess it just hurts that she reached out to me and I chose to not say anything. It really saddens me.

[kbbcoop77]

I know exactly how you feel. That's why sometimes it's just better to block your ex because any contact is a setback. My ex left me 10 months ago and it still sucks but the pain isn't as all consuming as it was. It does get better. Just have to ride it out my friend. Sorry you are going through this, it's not fun that's for sure.

[AutumnBorn]

T, here's the thing about the belief that someone will break the door down for the opportunity to get back with you if they love you. When the initiator of the breakup makes contact and doesn't get a response, they tend to think the other person has moved on or resents him/her for the pain they put their former partner through and moves on. S/he knows they hurt their former partner and they're often sticking their toe in the water to check the temperature. If it's ice cold, no way will that person even consider jumping in.

 

If you feel you missed an opportunity to get back together, it's not really too late. You just need to respond honestly: "I wasn't sure how to respond to your text, so I let it sit for awhile. Please, don't contact me unless you want to try again. I'm not up for torment."

[Zuri]

If she really wants to reconcile she will break your door down to do it. You didn't miss out on the opportunity. Chances are she misses you a bit and wants to keep you as a friend, this is extremely common. Don't let her. That's a one way ticket to pain ville.

 

Breaking the door down. Not always the case. I blocked my ex from texting, emailing. He DID eventually come knocking on my door. Very persistent. I let him in. Over and over. It's breadcrumbs and sometimes people can't stand that you can move on even though they are the dumpers. They miss the comfort of you and feel they have the upper hand because they are the dumpers. Those are the worse. I woukd have saved so much aggravation had I called the police the first time he came banging at my door. I did call them eventually.

[teeeg28]

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So you think I should respond. Hmmmm. I would like to talk to her but I am just afraid it will hurt if she says she doesn't want to get back together and instead she just texted to see how I was. My birthday is in a week and I am hoping she will try to reach out again then.

[teeeg28]

I know exactly how you feel. That's why sometimes it's just better to block your ex because any contact is a setback. My ex left me 10 months ago and it still sucks but the pain isn't as all consuming as it was. It does get better. Just have to ride it out my friend. Sorry you are going through this, it's not fun that's for sure.

 

 

Like I said I've been NC for months and its been better. Just really wish she had not of reached out to me this early because I really not ready to be "friends" And yes I could text her and say don't talk to me unless you want to get back together but then Im afraid I will NEVER hear back from her.

 

I feel I am making this much harder than it has to be for me.