Arguing Over Petty Things

[mbc230]

I have been divorced for 2 years now and right after my divorce was final I got back together with a woman who I am absolutely crazy about. The thing is over the past couple months I feel we are growing apart. I am doing everything I can to make our relationship better. We bought a new house together and moving towards a more positive step in our relationship. Just as of lately she wants to point out what I do wrong in the relationship. No matter what I try she just wants to make it my fault. Our more recent fight was about her being sick. I asked her in the middle of the day if she wanted to go with me to buy a dishwasher for our house and she said she would go. After work I got off went to our house to pick up the mail and then was on my way to pick her up and on my way to pick her she states to me she is not feeling well and that she did not want to go. Let me preface the night before she felt sick, but she felt the need to go out and drink a couple glasses of wine with some coworkers. So I did not feel sorry for her at all. Well so I gave her a little trouble and did not feel sorry for her and she ended up going with me, but all she kept doing was bringing up things that I do wrong and telling her I made her go with me. Even though we were on the main road away from my current place we live at I offered to turn around and go back home. She told me "No that we are out so let's go". Well so I continued to drive and all she kept doing was complaining and pointing out the things I do wrong and what I do is wrong and just carrying on. So I finally just had it so we got to the store and I decided I am done with this and drove us back home. She mentioned to me why are we still together and why did we even buy this house together and keep in mind I used to do that, but I promised I would stop doing it and be a better communicator with her. I admit I am not perfect and I have gone to counseling in the past and I have learned a lot from my mistakes with my last marriage that ended in a divorce and that is not to blame the other person for my actions. But with her it is the total opposite. I just feel our arguments are to stupid and petty and the lack of responsibility on her part with her actions is wearing me out and I am about to exit the relationship if it does not stop. I admit I am not perfect in anyway and I am willing to try and be better, but I do not see it on her part. There are some other factors that I can understand why she is acting this way, but I feel the putting the blame on the other person needs to stop. What do you guys think?

[mhowe]

I think:

 

You started dating way too soon after the divorce.

You bought a home with a woman you were DATING.

You bought a home with a woman you barely knew.

You bought a home with a woman while in the "honeymoon phase".

You will lose money when you sell the house.

[Clinton]

Sounds like a keeper. I'd get out now before your finances become further entwined

[mbc230]

I think:

 

You started dating way too soon after the divorce.

You bought a home with a woman you were DATING.

You bought a home with a woman you barely knew.

You bought a home with a woman while in the "honeymoon phase".

You will lose money when you sell the house.

 

I do know her as we dated 7.5 years ago so it is not someone I barely knew. I was with her 1.5 years before we bought the home. We are more then just dating as we want to get married one day. So how do you come to your conclusions?

[mhowe]

Because you said right after my divorce was final I got back together with a woman who I am absolutely crazy [/b]

 

Rebound.

Honeymoon phase of dating.

Purchase of home together pre marriage is insane

Housing prices not keeping pace with inventory.

[mbc230]

Because you said right after my divorce was final I got back together with a woman who I am absolutely crazy [/b]

 

Rebound.

Honeymoon phase of dating.

Purchase of home together pre marriage is insane

Housing prices not keeping pace with inventory.

 

Ok let me correct myself and say we were friends for about three months before we decided to get back together. I am looking for constructive advise. There is a lot more to it then what I have typed. But I do not have time to write a novel. I do not want to leave her as I do love her with all my heart. I am trying to figure out how to deal with her and it. I am also angry at her for our the lack of intimacy in our relationship. I ask her why and she says she does not know. I also wanted to add that her mom past away back in 2012 and she has yet to deal with that and states that she does not want to go to counseling as it will not help. I have suggested a whole bunch of ways to help, but I know in my heart I cannot help her with this. I feel she has yet to deal with her Mom's death. Her family has done nothing for her as they are only there for her when they need something from her such as a free babysitter, etc. When I was moving her into her apartment her family was no where to be found and they have not been there for her at all when it has come to helping her out. My family has been there for both of us with helping us move and just being there. I am going to blunt and say I do not like her family and she claims to me that she does not like how her family treats her and does not want them to treat her that way anymore, but it has been over two years and she does not do anything about it and it continues and she wants me to go over there house for holidays etc, but I refuse to support her with them especially when they treat her like crap and she does not stand up for herself. I refuse to be around people who do not want to be a positive influence in my life instead every time I have gone over there house to be around them they make it about themselves and I just end up sitting on the couch with her by ourselves. It is exhausting, but she makes me feel bad for not going and to me it is upsetting.

[WithLove]

Why did you bully her into going out with you? She's allowed to say that she didn't want to come, for whatever reason. then you "offered" to take her back home, even though if you did you'd probably make her feel bad about that too. Sounds to me like you're giving her exactly what she's giving you.

[mhowe]

Cliff notes version elicits same answer.

 

You moved too quickly. And on top of moving too quickly, she was coming off MAJOR stress/life issue.

 

Honeymoon period....now over. Now the real "woman" is showing up.

 

I never said to leave her. You asked me what I thought.

[mbc230]

Why did you bully her into going out with you? She's allowed to say that she didn't want to come, for whatever reason. then you "offered" to take her back home, even though if you did you'd probably make her feel bad about that too. Sounds to me like you're giving her exactly what she's giving you.

 

How would you classify it as bullying her? I asked her to go and she said "Yes" then she tells me she can not go because she is starting to feel sick. She should have told me from the get go that she was sick as she left that out of the conversation. I feel like you are bullying me. I did nothing of the sorts of bullying her. I actually was quiet the whole time in the car. How can you make someone feel bad? I do not control her or for that matter anyone. All you can do is control yourself and that I did. She is her own person and is an adult and can make her own decisions.

[mbc230]

Cliff notes version elicits same answer.

 

You moved too quickly. And on top of moving too quickly, she was coming off MAJOR stress/life issue.

 

Honeymoon period....now over. Now the real "woman" is showing up.

 

I never said to leave her. You asked me what I thought.

 

Mhowe thank you for your advise.

[WithLove]

Perhaps she didn't feel sick at first and only started to feel that way later. Or maybe she didn't really want to go at all, but said yes to pacify you, then in the end decided she didn't care and just said she was sick so she wouldn't go.

 

It doesn't matter what the reason was. Because it bothered you, you should have approached it this way - "It hurts my feelings that you said you wanted to do this with me and now you don't want to because you feel sick, even though you were well enough to go out with friends last night. Let's reschedule to go check out this dishwasher another day so we can be sure it's the one we want." Accusing her of feeling well enough the day before, then getting petty about her not wanting to go, then offering to take her home but only because you knew it'd make her feel bad, is not the right way to approach things.

 

I'm not trying to give you only the "female" perspective. I'm trying to help give you suggestions as to the answer to your question. But your whole tone used in your first post says to me that you most likely argue with her for the same petty things that she argues with you about.

[mhowe]

Me thinks she was hungover and getting a dishwasher wasn't high on her list of fun activities for the day.

[Misssy2]

Hi:

I think there have been little things brewing between the both of you and that you need to sit down and determine IF your going to go forward with the relationship (without faking your happy). Try to discuss the "little" things that have added up to this. When you reach the end of this type of conversation...make a timeline "If we are not doing better by Jan 15....or whatever date. Then we should sit down and have another discussion about how we are going to separate.

[SpottiOtti]

I agree that it doesn't sound like you are in fact accepting your role in the petty arguments, and that you should have just let the dishwasher thing go and rescheduled. It comes accross to me as well like you gave her crap until she agreed to go, and then she got resentful of that and gave you crap right back. Her behavior does sound unhelpful and hurtful and I understand why you got so upset and frustrated. Maybe with some distance from that episode you can see things more clearly, see what both your parts were.

 

Since you can't make her do anything or behave any certain way, all you've got to go on is changing your own behavior and words in ways that will reduce conflict. I think the above poster's suggestion about using feeling words without blame or accusation might be a great place to start. Using feeling words and being honest about when your feelings are hurt go a long way toward reducing conflict in a relationship. Maybe if you start there, she will follow suit.

[mbc230]

First of all I appreciate your clarification. She was sick the day before as she told me and that evening she went out to drink two glasses of wine. Why would you feel sorry for someone that goes out the night before and drinks when she is stating she is sick? Sorry I have hard time believing that and feel sympathy for someone that does that. How can you tell tone from a post?

[mbc230]

Again thank you for your feedback, but I do take my responsibility in any argument. How can you say that I am not taking my responsibility? I just do not know how to deal with her wishy washy ways as she is not taking responsibility for her actions in regards to being sick as she was sick the day before. Do you go out an drink the day before or even when you are sick?

[mhowe]

It is very easy to read tone in a text/email.

 

Like --- yours sounds very unsympathetic and judgmental.

[WithLove]

If you're unprepared or unwilling to accept the way she's being in regards to this instance, and probably any instance that has happened like this, I really think you need to think about the qualities that you do like about her, and ask yourself if it's enough for you to continue your relationship with her.

[mbc230]

If you're unprepared or unwilling to accept the way she's being in regards to this instance, and probably any instance that has happened like this, I really think you need to think about the qualities that you do like about her, and ask yourself if it's enough for you to continue your relationship with her.

 

Thank you that is nice advise. There are so many things I love about her. But to me all these arguments we have had could have been avoided if she would not carry on. Like I said I admit to being apart of the problem and I should not have harassed her, but I was so aggravated as it happens more often as of lately.

[mbc230]

It is very easy to read tone in a text/email.

 

Like --- yours sounds very unsympathetic and judgmental.

 

I am not sympathetic to someone who goes claims to be sick then goes out after work to drink when in my opinion they should be at home resting to get better. But again there is not no tone in writing anything as the person could be sincere in what they are typing. I also feel that you telling me about the honeymoon phase about me buying a house is your opinion, but I feel it is not the right one. How soon do you wait to do anything with anyone? There is no set time frame to do anything with anyone such as buy a house or move in together. I would like to know how you have determined this. I keep you using the "I sayings"....So how is that being judgmental?

[mhowe]

You asked "what do you think".

 

Thereby asking my opinion.

 

I have a rule book. That particular rule is #42, on page 6.

[BigKK]

This is a complete stab in the dark, since we obviously only get to "see" from your perspective.

 

For one, I think both of you are being petty. The dishwasher disagreement is just the tip of the iceberg, breakdown down the fight is pointless you two have much bigger issues. So realize that first, analyzing who is right and wrong is a waste of time.

 

 

For me it sounds like she is not happy, perhaps for a number of reasons. I bet owning a house with you is adding more stress, because walking away is not an easy option.

 

I don't see an easy solution, you two aren't the greatest communicators that roamed the earth, she doesn't want any counseling, she questions your relationship, you two got together fairly soon after your divorce...not sure on what advice to give except I'd ask if you think she is worth fighting for and not analyzing a stupid fight but trying to get to the root of the problem. You mentioned no intimacy...why? She doesn't know? I'm sure she does, perhaps she feels stuck? No passion after a little under two years... normally all these "signs" point to moving on if she doesn't want to work on it with you. You own a house together, might be wise to take a loss on it...and move on

[WithLove]

It sounds like maybe she's not at your maturity level, as far as some things go. And maybe that it can be overlooked for the most part, but when it comes to stuff like this, it makes you question if you can tolerate it. Because since it keeps happening, this is probably who and how she is. Try talking to her honestly. You need to explain that the way she argues over petty things is changing the way you feel about her, and it's making you argue back in the same manner (which may or may not be who you are as a person in general). Maybe suggest some nonemergency counseling to try and find out why she feels the need to snap back during disagreements in this way.

[mbc230]

BiggKK you might be right, but of course as I have mentioned the fight is very petty and stupid and I agree with you, but the fact that it keeps happening and I feel that I cannot fix it myself. She needs to be willing to work on it as I have been wanting to work on it, but do not know how at this point. I wish I knew if she was unhappy or happy. She tells me she is happy, but I am having a hard time believing as the stupid things that occur in our relationship and in my opinion can be solved. I have sat her down to talk to her about this, but I feel everything I say goes in one ear and out the other.

[BigKK]

BiggKK you might be right, but of course as I have mentioned the fight is very petty and stupid and I agree with you, but the fact that it keeps happening and I feel that I cannot fix it myself. She needs to be willing to work on it as I have been wanting to work on it, but do not know how at this point. I wish I knew if she was unhappy or happy. She tells me she is happy, but I am having a hard time believing as the stupid things that occur in our relationship and in my opinion can be solved. I have sat her down to talk to her about this, but I feel everything I say goes in one ear and out the other.

 

my last ex started to pick a ton of petty fights with me, stopped being intimate, being mean to me. The point that my sister said she was no longer comfortable hanging out with us. She used to be so lovey dove. She was down right rotten to me. After a two hour questioning session...it came out...she's done, and doesn't want to be with me anymore, doesn't want to work on things, and wants a break up, but she was "too scared to hurt me" so she never said anything.

 

She had a long list of pent up things that angered her...she never told me them.

 

 

Not saying it's your case, but that's what I think when it's petty things for a long time. Is this a temporary speed bump, or an ending road block?

 

 

I sat her down, asked her what's wrong, ready to work on whatever issues that came up...she said everything's fine and doesn't know why, I kept asking and asking, and poking, and questioning, and finally got it out of her