rich1 Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 I've been working really hard on moving on and improving. I've seen a counsellor, read a book on relationships and generally tried to improve my life after my failed relationship. There has been NC for 5 days now with the exception of financial obligations. I've said my sorrys, I'm now moving on. But whilst before she was empathetic, she now seems peeved at me? Her emails to me are very matter of fact - though I guess that is to be expected. Regarding the house we both own - she left, I'm paying all the bills apart from her half of the mortgage. I've made it clear that she is not allowed in the house without my permission - after all, she left and took all her things with her. The house is full of my possessions and jointly owned furniture, kitchen ware etc. Her response to this: "I appreciate that, I'm not on about coming round without telling you, at the end of the day the house is part mine and so is the furniture..." I professed that I'm not trying to be difficult but that I'm only looking out for myself - no reply. Am I right in insisting that she can't come round whenever she wants to? I don't want her judging how I'm coping via the state of the house etc - I'm also wary that whenever she has come round before she just takes things without telling me!! Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 Yes you are right ..I would be uncomfortable with the thought she can pitch up at any time . Just keep the airwaves open because you have to sort out whatever you are doing with the house ..but she has moved out ... so she no longer has the right to come in and out as she chooses . However don't you use this against her .... you have now told her , so let it be . Link to comment
SpottiOtti Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 Have you talked to a lawyer about the house? Link to comment
rich1 Posted December 17, 2014 Author Share Posted December 17, 2014 No - I'm not sure there is a need as we've only had it 5 months and all in all its still pretty amicable between us Link to comment
kbbcoop77 Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 I would get the house situation figured out and settled ASAP. The longer you "both" own it and the household possessions the uglier this is going to get, trust me. It won't be amicable for long. Her comment dictates it's already starting to crack. (For the record she should let you know before coming over since she did leave.) Link to comment
larthur1 Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 Definitely in the right! She moved out, that was her decision and now she has to deal with the consequences. Good for you for telling her your looking out for yourself, she did the same after all. I am interested to see what others say on the whole peeved thing. I hadn't spoken to me ex for a while but when I did she was very similar in her responses. Almost annoyed/angry at me. I still don't understand why. We hadn't spoken. I even said in a response to her that she didn't need to be to hostile and she agreed and apologised!? What's all that about? Link to comment
rich1 Posted December 17, 2014 Author Share Posted December 17, 2014 I guess its a defence mechamism! They cope better with the loss if they're angry or annoyed with you! Link to comment
chamachama Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 Delete double post Link to comment
Clinton Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 Not sure where you live and if you were married but legally she may have the right to enter and even live in the home. Get to a lawyer to find out your rights and begin separation proceedings. It doesn't sound like this is going to be an amicable split of the assets. Link to comment
chamachama Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 I would get the house situation figured out and settled ASAP. The longer you "both" own it and the household possessions the uglier this is going to get, trust me. It won't be amicable for long. Her comment dictates it's already starting to crack. (For the record she should let you know before coming over since she did leave.) Totally agree with this poster. Your main goal right now should be selling the house or speaking to a lawyer about the house. Everything else (including your depression, feelings, emotions) comes second. You have no idea how ugly this can and will get. Get it done before it's too late. Because the longer you wait, the worse it will get for you both. Trust me on this one. I've been there. Your animosity for each other will grow and grow until it's hell on earth between you two. If you want to salvage even the slightest bit of "good" between you two... get the house stuff figured out as fast as possible. Link to comment
rich1 Posted December 17, 2014 Author Share Posted December 17, 2014 The plan that we agreed on was to have the house valued and marketed after Xmas. She lives locally with her mother, whereas I have nowhere to go so i t suits us both for the time being. I'm 99% sure she wouldn't screw me over, but yes I am eager to get it sorted. If she gets wind I'm dating she may not be so calm about the situation! Link to comment
chamachama Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 I'm 99% sure she wouldn't screw me over, but yes I am eager to get it sorted. If she gets wind I'm dating she may not be so calm about the situation! Dude, just watch for it. It starts with being short and indifferent to each other. Then it will move to mistrust and being cold. Then it will move to venomous and spiteful. It wouldn't surprised me at all if her family is starting to push for her to lawyer up either. No one wants to be screwed. Eventually if it takes long enough she will do just that. You'll get a letter in the male of her demands down to the penny. The thing is, you're still in denial and she can totally take advantage of that. The more you have contact with her the more mistrusting and spiteful she will get. It's over now and eventually she will get to the point of offense is the best defense. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 First of, with your request that she only come by appointment, you pretty much told her that you don't trust her with your things, aka you expect her to cause damage or steal. That's the message she is receiving from you. You are actually lucky that her response was merely curt rather than total outrage. I'm not sure why you are surprised she is suddenly cold and hostile. I mean you pretty much implied that you think she might steal/damage your stuff. Wow... As for the house and her ability to come to it. She owns the house same as you do. She can come and go any time she wants. Just because she took her stuff and left doesn't negate her rights to the property. You are not a tenant paying her rent with a signed lease, so you don't have the 24 hour notice protection in this. Stop living in denial and start separating your things. If the furniture is also half and half, then meet with her asap to go over each piece and what you want to do about it - she takes, you take, buy each other out, sell it, dump it. Make a list of every single item and sign off mutually by each one on what you agree to do with it. Do it now, before things really go downhill. Put in writing the date that you will put the house up for sale and stick to it. Once all of the above is sorted out, then you can take time to deal with your emotions. Right now is the time to protect yourself from serious potential problems that are brewing as we speak. Link to comment
larthur1 Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 Right now is the time to protect yourself from serious potential problems that are brewing as we speak. ominous...... Link to comment
chamachama Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 Honestly, what will eventually happen is that they will need to write up a legal document and get it stamped by the judge. Anyone with a brain in their head will tell you to do that in order to protect yourselves. When it comes to selling the house, there will need to be lawyers anyway and they will need to split the checks and cover their own butts. They will most likely request a legal stamped document detailing where the proceeds of the house will go and how they will be partitioned. That process will suck man and the faster you get it done, the less painful it will be for you both. You have to remember now, she KNOWS you want to be back with her. That will cause her to fight, and be super mean and cold and even vindictive and calculated toward you. Your need for reconciliation with her is like a huge middle finger to her right now and it angers her and scares her....and what happens when you get an animal scared and angry? They bite the f out of you. She will eventually do what ever it takes to not only get that house sold and be away completely from you, but she will fight "hard" to get the upper hand in the deal while she does it. My advice for you is send her nothing she can print or keep electronically. Whatever you send her WILL be saved for possible presentation to a judge. Dude, whether you know it or not, you are entering a war and you are simply not ready to fight. Protect yourself. Move things along as fast as possible. Get the legal document written up by a lawyer (should only be about $250) and get her to sign it. Be as fair as possible and send her copies for her to edit until you both agree on it. Then bring it to court and get it stamped. Trust me, you will thank me later for that. As it stands right now....its the wild west with you two and the house. The tension will build and build and emotions will flame up leading to massive gun fights at the not so OK Corral. Put it this way, at this point you are in denial and you wish for her to want to be with you again. Well, if you don't want her to "hate" you forever....do it as soon as you possibly can. As in start TODAY.... Link to comment
DancingFool Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 No, not ominous. Just realistic. Here are potential points of conflict for you in no particular order: 1) Putting the house for sale and when 2) Agreeing to the sale price 3) Accepting the offer 4) If there are funds left after all the fees and bank are paid, splitting the proceeds and how. 5) Furniture and things in the house - value, who gets what, how to dispose of it fairly, etc. Then you have her family and friends whispering in her ear that YOU might take things, damage things jointly owned OR become a squatter in that you won't move out or agree to sell or try to hurt her by letting the house go for too low a price or maybe trying to get too much so it won't sell, etc. There is a storm brewing and the more you just sit and wait, the more she is going to start believing what she is hearing. So that's why the advice is to act fast to forestall all that. Make that list. Both of you sign off on it. Get a lawyer involved in terms of escrow accounts and splitting the money. Get everything signed and documented. Then you can sleep at night in peace. At the very least if she does try something, you have covered your rear. At best, it will actually help you part ways amicably and cleanly. Link to comment
chamachama Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 Btw, in case you think she would NEVER do anything to make things difficult for you... My friend last year was in the same exact boat you are now. Living in their house, she moved in with her sister. He dragged his feet and in the mean time contacted her every so often sometimes to talk about the house, others times to manipulate her to try and take him back, and other times to argue with her and whine and get angry at her and freak out etc... Well she started replying "please don't talk to me about anything but the house." Every time he strayed from the subject even a little...he got that message. This occurred quite a few times. She saved all the emails and texts. She brought them to the police. He was arrested (taken to the station in cuffs and everything) and handed a partial restraining order. He wasn't to come within 300 yards of her. And the only way he was allowed to converse with her about the house was through a mediator. She also became cut throat with him and took a hard stance on EVERYTHING and gave him nothing that he didn't have to fight tooth and nail for. The entire process was exhausting for him and only recently was the house finally sold. And trust me when I say there is not one friendly feeling between them now. They seriously can't stand each other and I seriously don't think they will ever speak again. Trust me when I tell you he said the same EXACT thing you did. "I'm certain she would never screw me over..." You've been warned.... Link to comment
DancingFool Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 Ultimately, by telling her that she can't come on the property without your permission or you being there, you fired the first shot that could start an ugly war. It doesn't seem like you even get that part. Link to comment
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