Thinking about leaving him

[LadyBug1988]

So from day one this relationship has been very emotionally intense and fast paced for me. I started dating a long-time friend who has been after me for 7 years, we know a great deal about each other, and I thought we had a ton of respect for each other as people. He has made me a million promises, but now I'm feeling he's getting comfortable and his true intentions are surfacing.

 

At first he's all "I want to be with you, I'll be the best man ever, I'll never make a fool of you or use you. I respect women, I'm a gentleman, I pride myself on how I treat and talk about people, etc". At first we saw each other at random times during both day and night twice per week, and he invited me with him to gatherings with friends. He posted sweet things about me online, and a really nice picture and I felt he genuinely liked me.

 

Things changed when I slept with him, the very next weekend we only saw each other for like an hour, and the weekend after he spent all his time doing absolutely nothing during the day (so he told me), and waited until late at night to invite me on a movie date where he did his absolute best to convince me to stay the night again so we could sleep together again. I let him know I was feeling uncomfortable because it was too much too soon, and he seemed okay with it.

 

So throughout the week he keeps in regular touch throughout the day, he consistently calls and texts and there's never a morning I don't wake up to a sweet text or a night we fall asleep without speaking. I appreciate that he tells me when he's going out, so I decided to reciprocate that. I noticed when he tells me he's going out I respond with "Okay, have fun" "Have a shot of tequila for me" "Send me a pic of you all dressed up". But when I go out he's like "Oh okay who are you going with?", "So how is it going so far?" "Wya. Home yet?", and when we actually speak he'll specifically ask me what I did. If he doesn't hear from me within a certain amount of time on a regular day I'll get a "???" text message or a call like "Oh I haven't heard from you all day". I feel like if he cared so much about what I was doing, he would make more time for me.

 

Before we slept together he was bragging to a mutual friend about how "I told you I could get her! I told you she'd like me! Told you she'd come around! Told you I can get any girl!" After we slept together he started posting things like "Only a ladies man knows when girls are just flirting or being nice when the average man would be unsure. Don't be the average man, get on this ladies man wave". Then he posted "There isn't a woman in the world I can't get, all I need is time", perhaps 7 years... Today he posted a new video singing a song about how he "Doesn't trick females", and how "She doesn't get anything from him unless she's his girl". He also deleted all posts about me and took down our picture after getting 100 likes and comments. He also established that I am not his girlfriend but he would like me to be in the future although we are exclusively seeing each other.

 

Today I've had so much on my mind I didn't call or text after our good morning text so he called because "he hadn't heard from me all day". He's been telling me throughout the week he misses me and wanted to see each other this weekend but wouldn't make specific plans. So he let me know he was doing absolutely nothing all day today, and is going to a friend's Christmas party later and it would be over very early. I told him to have fun as I already know what he was looking for me to say. He wanted me to initiate seeing each other so he could devise some late night date that would end with me spending the night again after we leave the event. I don't feel comfortable sleeping with him and told him last week so I am not doing this late night booty call date thing tonight.

 

The more I think about him, the more I see lack of commitment, decreasing effort, and weird double standards arising. I'm ashamed of myself for sleeping with him, I am starting to regret dating him, and I do not think he's taking me seriously anymore. I am thinking about how to tell him this and it's feeling like, "I don't think things are headed in a direction I want to go in, and it may be best we don't see each other anymore". Aside from that, I'm not sure what else to say. What do you guys think? Because I think he's trying to play me, and my abusive ex gave me enough heartache and emotional trauma for a lifetime.

[ThatwasThen]

Do you love this man or do you at least LIKE him and would like to see a more committed relationship with him? If you do then why would you tell him "its best we don't see each other anymore" why not just tell him what you told us and then tell him what you would like and see if he would like the same thing(s). If he doesn't want the same things and tells you so in words and in actions then THAT would be the right time to say "I don't think we should see each other anymore."

 

Learn to communicate openly and honestly. Knowing what you want is the first step in getting it. The second step is asking for it if it's not clear its going to be given and if its not going to be given then getting out so you can heal and find someone who is more willing.

 

Most importantly is to pay attention to actions to make sure they are matching words of promise. If they are not, then that is another good time to say "I don't think we she see each other anymore."

[scottlee]

Sounds controlling; it'll only get worse!

[ThatwasThen]

It doesn't sound "controlling" in the least (IMO). It sounds like he's interested in what the Op does when she's not with him. It sounds like the OP is uninterested in what he does when he's not with her.. or at least that is what it appears even if not the intent.

[LadyBug1988]

As much as it terrifies me to say this, I do love him. I love him as a friend, as a human being, and I'm falling in love with him as a companion. He has told me twice already that he sees us being official, moving in together, and much more in the future but wants to just keep talking and see what happens. He's even said he loved me once in a text message, but since he was at a party with his homeboys I assumed he was just drunk and just told him he was really sweet and to call me when he got home. He told me he has been single since his last awful relationship and has talked to many women, but never made them his girlfriend since, and I feel like he's leading me on in the same way until he uses me all up. I see where you said he seems to be interested in what I'm doing when he's not with me, but if that was true why did he decrease the amount of time we spend together. He lives very far from me but in the beginning he made the sacrifice.

 

Lately I've been suggesting fun DAYTIME date ideas, and he's been hemming and hawing and having other plans. He claims he misses me so much but he only wants to see me after 9 on Saturday nights, then takes me out to a club or late movie so it's too late or I'm too drunk to drive home? This has been the trend since we slept together 3 weeks ago, and I'm not interested in going in that direction with him especially when he told me he isn't even my boyfriend, and brags about being a ladies man all the time, and deleted everything about me.

 

How do I ask him to stop making the only day per week that we see each other a late night booty call with late night last minute plans? The way he told me he felt about me is not adding up right now and I don't know how to verbalize this to him. Please help me figure out what to say and how to say this? I don't want to come off as needy "I want to be your girlfriend", because at this point I don't know if I want to be. I just wanted to continue getting to know each other the way we were before we had sex, and I don't want to come off as one of those girls who changes after sex. It has been 2 months after all and he showcased me to everyone he knows, I'm feeling like he's seeing me as a conquest won.

[LadyBug1988]

Sounds controlling; it'll only get worse!

 

That's what a close guy friend told me, we were all out one night and he got all weird and possessive when I walked away from him without telling him where I was going.

[ThatwasThen]

You just tell him what you want, Lady and if he doesn't come through then you walk away. You have to have enough confidence in yourself, to love yourself enough to have strong personal boundaries that you won't let anyone (including yourself) tear down. If he is serious about being your boyfriend then he will step up his game. If he is not, you'll soon enough see that in his actions (or lack of them) that you will confidently break it off knowing you deserve more then being someone's late night sex partner.

 

So: What do you want, really? Do you know? Can you calmly and matter of factly articulate that to him?

[LadyBug1988]

You just tell him what you want, Lady and if he doesn't come through then you walk away. You have to have enough confidence in yourself, to love yourself enough to have strong personal boundaries that you won't let anyone (including yourself) tear down. If he is serious about being your boyfriend then he will step up his game. If he is not, you'll soon enough see that in his actions (or lack of them) that you will confidently break it off knowing you deserve more then being someone's late night sex partner.

 

So: What do you want, really? Do you know? Can you calmly and matter of factly articulate that to him?

 

So he hasn't gotten back from the party yet, but when he calls me I'll wait for him to suggest this late night hang out. I'm thinking something along the lines of "I'm not into our only time together being this last minute, unplanned, late night booty call thing that's been going on. That's not why I started dating you, and that's not the direction I'm looking to go in". Is that good?

[ThatwasThen]

Not if it was me.. No, its not good.

 

I'd actually go to the requested meet and tell him in person what it is I want... NOT putting so much focus or emphasis on what it is I don't want. You can go and NOT have sex with him, have a great conversation and see how he responds to what it is you want while viewing his facial expressions, his body language his hesitation and to even tell if how he's responding is his truth and not just something he thinks you'd want to hear.

 

You can certainly say that what has been going on is not the direction you want to continue in after you've told him what direction you would like to see this go in though.

 

Start out with: I really enjoy your company and I would like to see what we have go in this direction Then tell him how you would like it to go and then ask him what he thinks.

 

That's how I would handle it. Pay attention to what he actually says and not read into the things he says so that they coincide with what you want. His actions after your conversation will tell you his real dating goals with you.

[HeartGoesOn]

This has been the trend since we slept together 3 weeks ago, and I'm not interested in going in that direction with him especially when he told me he isn't even my boyfriend, and brags about being a ladies man all the time, and deleted everything about me.

 

Unfortunately you can't turn the clock back after you've already slept together, and he likely sees that as a regular item on the menu, so to speak.

 

On the other hand, after telling you he's not your boyfriend, and deleting everything about you off his bragging board as well, I would tell him to hit the road, and take his little black book with him. You can do better than this...

[Batya33]

It's easy - if he is not your boyfriend then he has to assume you have other men asking you out etc. Be classy and don't mention this but unless he makes advance plans to see you for an actual date (and tell him you want to get together earlier in the evening) then you are busy or made other plans and what those plans are are none of his business (even if they are plans with yourself). Do not drink when you are with him -order drinks that are cranberry juice, seltzer and a twist of lime so that you can drive home/go home whenever you want. If he doesn't call you until late at night do not answer or simply tell him you're busy.

[LadyBug1988]

So you're saying to take a more positive approach. So how about: I really enjoy your company but I'd like our only time together each week to not be some late night booty call. That wasn't what we said we wanted from each other upon dating, and I'm not interested in going in that direction now or ever.

 

We have established many times what he and I both are looking for in this relationship, and he would reassure me before we slept together regularly. What I want is no secret, so do you think being so delicate with how things are turning out will be taken seriously?

 

Last week when I told him I was uncomfortable with the rushed intimacy, he said absolutely nothing, he hardly responded to me, he only looked at me and the ceiling uncomfortably. He kinda just quietly said "Oh well it's okay if you're uncomfortable. We don't have to do anything", but somehow we ended up sleeping together anyhow.

[LadyBug1988]

It's easy - if he is not your boyfriend then he has to assume you have other men asking you out etc. Be classy and don't mention this but unless he makes advance plans to see you for an actual date (and tell him you want to get together earlier in the evening) then you are busy or made other plans and what those plans are are none of his business (even if they are plans with yourself). Do not drink when you are with him -order drinks that are cranberry juice, seltzer and a twist of lime so that you can drive home/go home whenever you want. If he doesn't call you until late at night do not answer or simply tell him you're busy.

 

The thing is he established with me that he's the only person I'm seeing, that was very important to him up front. I do like what you're saying and I'm going to start saying "It's too short notice, I have a lot going on today". Since we have gotten into the habit of letting each other know when and where we go out to, how would me now changing and going "none of your business" seem to him? It's just not something I've ever said, do you think this will come accross poorly? I am never drinking with him again, and that was a wonderful observation as well.

[ThatwasThen]

Yes... I agree she can do better too and that's why she should have that conversation with him.

 

To break up with him and then let him possibly hoover her back isn't going to be a good thing for her emotional health nor will it give him a chance to remedy. At least if she knows that she was clear in her communication to him about her personal boundaries/needs/wants and he still doesn't step up then she'll know, without a doubt that he's incapable of delivering and she'll have no desire to have a re-do with a true D-bag.

 

If someone told me that it was none of my business then I'd be offended. You don't ask him what he was up to when he's not with you, Why don't you?

 

Again I suggest you ask for what you want and see if he's willing to give it. Why are you so easily able to tell him what you don't want but seemingly you're skittish about telling him what you DO want?

[LadyBug1988]

Unfortunately you can't turn the clock back after you've already slept together, and he likely sees that as a regular item on the menu, so to speak.

 

On the other hand, after telling you he's not your boyfriend, and deleting everything about you off his bragging board as well, I would tell him to hit the road, and take his little black book with him. You can do better than this...

 

That's what I'm thinking, is it even worth me telling him I don't appreciate this behavior or just chalking him up? I like what ThatWasThen was saying about communication, perhaps he's just thinking I'm okay with this.

[LadyBug1988]

Yes... I agree she can do better too and that's why she should have that conversation with him.

 

To break up with him and then let him possibly hoover her back isn't going to be a good thing for her emotional health nor will it give him a chance to remedy. At least if she knows that she was clear in her communication to him about her personal boundaries/needs/wants and he still doesn't step up then she'll know, without a doubt that he's incapable of delivering and she'll have no desire to have a re-do with a true D-bag.

 

I like you're idea, I'm definitely going to let him know how I'm feeling. He'll probably just say "okay whatever" since he slept with me and told the world we were dating already. Like mission accomplished. I'm just scared to doing it in person, but I understand why it's important.

[ThatwasThen]

Pretend you're texting him.

 

I'm glad you understand the importance of that conversation. Let us know how it goes.

[LadyBug1988]

 

If someone told me that it was none of my business then I'd be offended. You don't ask him what he was up to when he's not with you, Why don't you?

 

Again I suggest you ask for what you want and see if he's willing to give it. Why are you so easily able to tell him what you don't want but seemingly you're skittish about telling him what you DO want?

 

I guess I don't ask what he's up to when we aren't together because I trust him. I honestly don't even think of asking him because he always tells me. I'm afraid to tell him what I do want because I don't want to come accross as needy, and I feel needy because we have already established what I want a million times.

[LadyBug1988]

Pretend you're texting him.

 

I'm glad you understand the importance of that conversation. Let us know how it goes.

 

I will and I appreciate your help!

[ParisPaulette]

Holy crap woman, you should've been out the door the moment you found out he was running around bragging about how he "got you" like you were some sort of prize at the fair. Break it off with him. He sounds like a total pig with his bragging and misogynistic comments about women.

 

Tell him it's done and block and delete him. You can do so much better than a bragadocious little boy who has such little self-esteem or respect for others he can't stop puffing himself up to everyone just to try and hope anyone thinks he's cool. Sorry, I don't see that talking to someone like this is going to get you anywhere. You're saying it over and over again and he's not getting it, because he's too busy looking in the mirror trying to convince himself he's a great guy.

 

Sometimes we make a mistake in who we sleep with or choose to have in our lives, but that doesn't mean we have to continue the mistake. And yeah, I think it's a mistake and you know it and are wondering what to do. That's simple. Just end it and move on and learn from the experience.

[faraday]

I'm with PP. When I read your OP, I thought "that guy is such a tool." And then I read the responses and I thought I missed something.

 

This guy is not dating material...and he's going to mess with you if you stay. I hope you get out.

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[1a1a]

With ParisPaulette and Faraday. The bragging is a red flag, deleting evidence of you from facebook is a weird flag, not trusting you to go out alone is a red flag. Hemming and Hawing about day time invitations also a red flag.

[CraigHowes]

Yea i think most people missed that this guy is a complete insecure jerk.

 

Think if he has to brag and over confess being with you, what is he hiding?

 

Also when your partners out you leave um be and let them have a good time. You don't integrate them into who there with and harass you if you don't reply. That's controlling and he's insecurities coming out.

 

Also as a man i will tell you this. Don't sleep with a guy your not in a relationship, we lose respect for you and just see you as a bit of fun. You are currently his booty call when he wants you. Once he's got that he'll go back to being nonchalant about everything until he is horny again.

 

If a man is interested in you, we will move mountains to try and see you and make plans. We are men, we are hunters, we chase women and when we are generally interested we can't hide it and you'll just know.

 

Ditch him so all he's friends can make fun of him and he'll get the wake up call he needs.

[LadyBug1988]

Pretend you're texting him.

 

I'm glad you understand the importance of that conversation. Let us know how it goes.

 

I tried what you said, and really prepared myself to never speak to him again. He stayed at the party all night and called me on some "I miss you baby when am I going to see you?" blowing me kisses and stuff but never made plans. This made me so angry I deleted him from my Facebook and Instagram and didn't want to deal with him anymore. I called him this morning and told him I enjoyed our time together, I couldn't be his weekend F-buddy, I wanted to find a boyfriend and be in a committed relationship, he expressed that he wasn't my boyfriend so I was no longer interested and not to call me anymore. He didn't say anything so I said bye and hung up and blocked his number.

 

He called be back on a different line like in total shock. To make a long story short he was upset I was trying to break up with him, and wanted to know why and what he did to make me feel that way. He said he wished I would have communicated my concerns earlier instead of bottling them up and trying to break up with him. He said he didn't realize I was feeling that way and thought calls and texts were enough, he said he realized he hadn't seen me like that in a while and was thinking of plans but was distracted by other things he had going on in his life. He asked me what I wanted, what direction I wanted to go in, and what I wanted to see happen.

 

I told him that I wanted to continue getting to know each other the way we were before we slept together, it came to a screeching halt immediately after and that showed me the conquest had been met, he won. I explained how all of the little things mentioned in my original post shaped the idea that he was playing games and screwing around with my time. I explained that I never actually reached the point where I was 100% sure he was the person I wanted to be with, that's what we were supposed to be GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER AND SPENDING TIME for. Since he discontinued I assumed he was uninterested.

 

He refused to take "I'm not talking to you anymore" as an answer and apologized but seemed genuinely hurt and kind upset with me for choosing to walk away from him instead of talking about it. He asked a million times what this was really about cause he was under the impression everything was perfectly fine, and who the new guy was I was into. I told him I wasn't interested in anyone but him, there was nobody else. He asked if I still liked him, and if I still cared for him, and if he could see me today. He said he wants me to see his mom and his family like he asked me before but I didn't want to. I told him no before because I had stayed the night and his mom was in the kitchen the next morning and we were going to come from down the hall and she'd know we had spent the night together. I felt that would look bad, especially to a mother. So I agreed today.

 

He said whatever I need to happen, he will make it happen and reassured everything he wanted from me and our relationship. He was upset he let me view him in a negative light and wanted to change it. I re-added him on Facebook and Instagram.

[faraday]

I think you made a mistake taking him back. He's shown you who he is...and he didn't want to hang out with you before. This "change" will be short lived.

 

I wish you luck....but I have a feeling you're going to get jerked around a lot

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk