Thinking about leaving him

[ParisPaulette]

Well, we'll see, but I think this is more game-playing. Especially when he didn't actually taken any responsibility for his own actions and instead blamed it a) on you not speaking up and b) him continuing to refuse to hear what you were saying and insisting that only you being interested in some other guy would cause you to break up with him.

 

I still see those narcissistic tendencies and think you just peaked his interest in keeping hold of you and seeing how much further he can push the boundaries and take the game. Sorry, I know it's not what you want to hear, but I really don't see this ending well just because of the guy's overall character to begin with. Not because of anything you do or don't do. You can't fix someone who's a tool to begin with and this guy sounds like an entire shed of them through his remarks, his attitudes, his lack of taking any responsibility or even his denial of why you wanted to break up to begin with.

 

Let us know how it all works out.

[LadyBug1988]

I see what you're saying. I just got back in from the day we spent together and he seemed genuinely bothered I was feeling that way. Since the initial conversation was on the phone, I think he held back cause he wanted to talk in person. Today when we met, he said he understood why I was feeling that way and everything I was saying is true, how can we make a decision if no time is spent. He said he was sorry, and never wanted me to feel that way again. We went out for dinner, and hung out with some of his friends. I don't know what it is but every time I meet his friends and family they know everything about me. They know all about my career and interests, they always know my name, and they are extremely friendly and hospitable. They never fail to make me feel like they're my friends too. They also refer to me as his girlfriend, and he introduces me as his girlfriend. He said he's nervous now that I'll take off and leave him, and the thought of me not being with him hurts him. He said he loves everything about me, and that phone call we had earlier hit him hard. He looked a little down when we first got together, but throughout the night we had some good laughs and had a great time.

 

Now he's asking what I want to see happen, and what the next steps should be. As of right now he's still in the dog house, and I'm going to give this until the end of the year and make my decision (a complete 2.5 months). I did not verbalize this to him, and next time I won't give him the opportunity to beg me not to leave him. Now he's really emphasizing that we communicate and I let him know if I don't like something. Deep down inside I feel like I'm seeing my old friend again, the way his friends and family treats me scores major points because he has to talk about me a lot and say a ton on nice things for them to behave the way they do. He's also mentioned that he never brings women he's dating around his friends or family, he's very serious about me and that's why he does it. He understands that if I continue to feel that he's screwing around with me and wasting my time, I'm gone. I told him there's no way in Hell I'm chasing him, now I'm just going to sit back and watch to see what he changes.

[LadyBug1988]

I think you made a mistake taking him back. He's shown you who he is...and he didn't want to hang out with you before. This "change" will be short lived.

 

I wish you luck....but I have a feeling you're going to get jerked around a lot

 

 

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Thank you for your response, I'm giving it 3 more weeks, I'm not allowing him to string me along until I fall in love with him. I think 2.5 months will be enough time for us to make a decision. Both he and I know that if he can't or isn't willing to treat me properly, I need to find someone else who will.

[ParisPaulette]

That's actually a good thing. Now, you do need to speak up and you need to see if when he relaxes the other behaviors come roaring back. Also it may well be he has serious self-esteem issues and was trying to build himself up so to speak thinking that would make him look cool. I say that because so much of what you detailed sounded like a Napolean Dynamite type of conversation wherein an awkward teenager tries to make themselves feel cooler and look cooler and it just comes out all wrong. I don't normally say that, but something about everything you've detailed makes me wonder about that.

 

I would have a sit-down talk with him about the whole bragging/misogynist/pickup artist type lines and tell him what a turn off that is and how unnecessary it is. It is not the way to get women and I have seen a few guys who were so clueless or desperate that they'd act like that thinking it would get them girls.

 

Anyways I think you're smart to just see where this takes you and hold back and see what happens, see if he can sustain his actions and treat you better or if he slides back into that once he thinks he has you again. Maybe the guy will step up to the plate and get the idea that it's not true that nice guys don't finish last, they finish first.

 

Either way good for you and good luck to you. It sounds like you know your worth and understand now that if he wants you in his life he is going to have to treat you well. Good for you.

[reinventmyself]

Great advise. . Speak of the positive things that you do want, not the things you do not want. To lead with a negative will almost guarantee defensive response. I understand when you are conflicted or hurt it's hard to do.

[luxurylover]

its good youre catching all these things upfront. His facebook posts sound immature btw. Also, the fact that he took down pics of you and him sounds messy.

 

This is my advice though: I say be honest. do it face to face definitely. let him know how you feel. if you want to stay with him, set the standard now. I don't think what you want is unreasonable, and that is (from what I read) Consistency, respect, maturity, something more concrete (but maybe this will come in time...) and not having a dbl standard. If you really want to stay in this then just let him know how you feel. If not, I say let it go and tell him why.

 

Also, I don't think u stated how long you'd been dating, maybe I missed that part. I feel that there's no "set" time limit on when someone should start using bf/gf titles ...but after talking about future tentative plans with you (quote: he sees us being official, moving in together, and much more in the future but wants to just keep talking and see what happens) ...you would think that after a reasonable amount of time that title would've been established. some ppl say titles aren't important but I think they help establish expectations, boundaries, and a feeling of commitment etc.