Mom makes me feel un important

[zebragirl]

My mom is constantly favoring my sister and not following through on things for me. It really makes me feel like she doesn't care that much. She wanted to make a Jesse tree and ornaments for it, for my family and one for my sisters family.

 

I have a 4 year old daughter and have been married for 10 years. My sister has 5 kids and had been married 5 years. My mom somehow got me to help her with making the ornaments for them gifts. I honestly can't remember how she convinced me, if she asked, assumed or just talked me into it. I don't remember. Never the less I, I am helping. Its not hard by is time consuming.

 

We were down to crunch time because there is one ornament for each day of December and it was nearing the last week of November. My mom said we really only had to get the first week done by Thanksgiving and work on the second week during the first week of December and so on. My sister was coming down for Thanksgiving so mom could give us the finished trees and first week of ornaments then. Well as she realized how time consuming it was she said if we just got my sisters ornaments done by Thanksgiving that would be fine and she'd finish my tree the weekend and give it to me to start December.

 

Well here it is December 1st. I did my part. Got all the first week of the ornaments worked on and back to her to finish her part by Thanksgiving. She was literally still sewing buttons on the tree to hang the ornaments, ON Thanksgiving day while we were all there. She said on Friday she was working on my tree. Well. Here it is Monday and I have not heard from her since Friday. I messaged her Sunday and asked how she was and told her my daughter came down with a fever and is ill. I know she saw my message because it was on Facebook. But still no response.

 

So here's the frustrating thing. The bends over backwards so to speak for my sister and her kids but won't for me. She was going to make my daughter a quilt for her bed back when she turned two, even said it would be done for her birthday. Never happened. When I asked about it she said she didn't realize my daughter wasn't going to have a toddler bed. That was a total excuse because we had discussed the size and picked out the colors togethor but then she never made the quilt. I still feel angry about that. She goes to see my sister monthly and invites me along at times then wants me to drive(its an hour and a half away).

 

She buys my sister stuff to help out that my sister should be doing herself. She thinks she's helping but really it just makes my sister less responsible.

 

Its really frustrating and I feel like she just won't get it if I bring it up to her. I guess I wonder if there is a good way to bring it up to her, especially not following through. She's always late to everything and just doesn't seem to understand the effects of her actions on me.

[Moontiger]

She sounds like a flake.

 

 

I would just be aware of that an adjust your expections of her accordingly.

[2600degrees]

Have you ever talked to your Mom about it? Something like "Mom, sometimes I feel like you care more for my sister than you do me and that makes me feel unloved."

[Batya33]

Assume she is not going to follow through on those projects and you have to lose the whole "she loves my sister more" - it will just eat away at you and there's a great risk your daughter will pick up on it. If there was a life and death emergency would she come even if your sister needed help pairing her socks? If something that extreme ever happens then sure, talk to her. Quilts and ornaments are not worth it. I'm a mom of a 5 year old -until recently he had 4 grandparents, now unfortunately 3.

 

Out of all 4 grandparents combined he has been babysat for a total of 2 hours since he was born (and that is over two different days). None of the grandparents is physically capable of babysitting. Often we have to babysit one of them so to speak when we also have our child with us. None of this is a complaint on my part. And yes my mother favored my sister and in a way still does. Life isn't fair but it's not worth the negative energy - especially because I want to be the best mom I can be.

[DancingFool]

This sounds very simply like your mother likes to take on big, ambitious projects, but then doesn't have the capacity to see them through, so she flakes out. Stop helping her, stop doing them for her, and certainly lower your expectations about her actually coming through on them. On the other hand, if your mom likes crafts and so do you, then maybe find a way to do them together that is just for the sake of it, for bonding and companionship and just enjoying the project together.

 

The other factor is that a gift is still a gift. You are not entitled to get it even if it was promised. Calling and demanding the gift, honestly, it would put me off pretty badly. I can't imagine calling my parents up to ask for a gift that they promised but never sent. If they chose not to do it, oh well. It's their choice, their decision. Be happy for what you do get and remember that they do not owe you anything at this point in your life.

[catfeeder]

How close do you live to Mom, and how often do you see her?

 

My guess is that if you were the one to move an hour and a half away and see her only once a month, you'd have the same cache' as your sister has now.

 

Your Mom underestimates the time and effort of big projects and burns out. You can either take that personally, or you can view her as part of a majority. Most people with creative vision rarely have the organization, skill and stamina to bring that thing to fruition, and that speaks of her independently of her feelings for you. So you get to pick whether you want to hurt yourself with that information--and if there was a molecule of value in doing that, I'd support you in it.

 

Head high, and reconsider reverting to sibling rivalry.